unfaithful son in law

grandmaagain I wonder where this self-questioning is coming from? Your reaction is distressing to read and from my own and others' similar experience, I have found that we go through a series of strong emotions, mainly on behalf of our beloved children, when their relationships fail for whatever reason, but your reaction is back-firing on you at the moment. Your SIL would never have thought 'what can I do to really hurt my MIL?' You wouldn't have been given a thought when he was philandering, so what's stopping you acknowledging that he's fallen short as a husband and now he has to step up to the plate and be a decent father? No-one has questioned whether you have been a good mother - it just doesn't come into the discussion.

As others are gently reminding you - we urge you to look after yourself and give yourself permission to move forward. Your progress in coming to terms with this event will not detract from your abilities as a mother. You don't have to demonstrate that you no longer care about him in order to support your daughter. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Those feelings do not go away and you have happy memories that don't need to be wiped. I often feel I could strangle my ex DIL for how she has treated my son, but I still do care for her as the mother of my grandson, no matter how irritating, and occasionally callous, she can be. It's something we learn to live with. Do look after yourself today x

CAROL - Agree with what you have said, having been in a similar position

Granmaagain I think you are very brave to share your problem here but the quality of advice coming through is priceless. All I can add is (and it comes across very clearly) that your daughter is 'a chip off the old block' - two very strong sensible, thoughtful women.

Someone I know has been through a painfull estrangement recently, and the anger from her parents towards her partner has made her feel even worse, because she still has a child who loves his father. When you were told what had happened you actually suffered from shock; the next stage is anger and then thoughts of 'what could I have done to prevent this happening?' They're all natural emotions but you have to go through them to reach the healing process which will happen. As I said before, when men bahave like this they really don't give a thought for anyone else and really don't comprehend the enormity of what they've done.

grandmaagain, what a sterling job you've done of bringing up your daughter. You've taught her how to be strong and how to deal with the horrible things that life throws at us. What you need to do now is stand back and allow her to manage the process of moving on. She's got this far along the road and her own determination has given her the strength to do it. If you can manage to be 'light-hearted' (not at all easy, I know) when you all meet up for your DH's birthday get-together, it will let her relax a bit and not be worried that you'll break down. She'll know that you're making that effort, but I'm sure will appreciate it. Time will tell. Give yourself a couple of weeks and things will seem easier. xx

GA
you are definately right in the fact that it is "old news" to her, the past few times we have seen her we have had a sense that she is relieved to be out of this sham marriage. I suppose one of the things I feel guilty about was that I thought we were all so very happy all so close not sensing the unhappiness that lurked under the surface, big sis feels the same way she is pale and as deeply shocked as me, she always thought she knew little sis better than anyone. I don't for one minute think he thought about us when he betrayed her, but no I will not forgive him the pain he has caused is spread too wide.

I agree with Carol, grandmaagain.

However difficult it may seem at the moment, you must try to believe that your son-in-law was genuine in his friendship and attachment to you and your family. None of us really ever know what goes on in the minds of other people, not even your own family. Your daughter and he tried to resolve this matter without your knowledge, but in the end he must have felt a very strong "pull" to deceive and damage his family even though he knew it would devastate everyone involved. Think about the Football Manager, Gary Speed who commited suicide last week - everyone, but everyone assumed that his life was perfect and then he just went and hung himself and to date, no-one, not even his own parents and wife, have any idea what went wrong.

I can speak with some authority on this subject as I was supposed to have had the perfect 22 year marriage in the eyes of my family and all my friends. I hid my personal dilemma for seven years before I could tell the truth and not a day goes by when I wish I had had the courage to "speak up" as soon as I realised my marriage was over. But I did not , and my whole family was devastated when I left the marriage and my three children because they did not know what was going on in my head and heart - because i did not want to hurt them but then I did anyway. This all happened 22 years ago and all is well now but i always believe that there are two sides to every story and it is worth listening to both.

So however much you wish to blame your son-in-law at present - nothing is ever black and white and when you have reflected on his good side - ask him to explain what has happened and why. You may discover that he is genuinely devastated about what has happened and you may all be able to go forward without too much anger in order to rebuild your lives for the sake of your new grandson.

Best wishes and hopes for a positive future for you all.

Mdougall
how kind of you to relive the anguish of your past in order to try and help me again I am overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers.I have had to come upstairs out of the way of DH. We are putting up the christmas tree ready for GD to help us decorate when she comes back from nursery at 11 30, our oldest set of lights bought before the girls were born are the ones that have stopped working. DH is deparately trying to fix them you can see on his face I must be able to fix something these are the lights from our childrens childhood and daddy is trying to make things right it is heartbreaking to watch him

Granmaagain: May all the Blessings in the world visit you and your family this Christmas.

As Maya Angelou often says in her books: "When you know better, you "do" better".
This is so true, and as grandparents, it is up to all of us to "do better" and lead the way.

grandmaagain, I do know what you mean when you talk about the Christmas lights. The empty rawness of what has happened seems to make everything hinge on making things better. Parents feel that they have to make things better for their children, don't they? What would be more realistic though - would be for your DH to go out and buy some new lights, throwing the other ones away. Once they've gone into the bin he'll forget about them.
It's all part of the 'moving on' process, just like your daughter moving things around the house after having got rid of your SiL's things that he hadn't taken with him.
Keep steady. Someone somewhere said, "This too, will pass." Today you'll be celebrating your DH's birthday? Warmest, warmest wishes to you all. xx

yes we have and on the whole it went well, DD very prickly but then that is normal for her and is something I have always found difficult . We had remarked how much calmer she was after GS's birth and how much easier she was to talk to, well that has changed and I don't know wether to be relieved or worried, either is not going to be useful! hey ho! DH very down he missed SIL very much but knows he mus'nt show it. older DD and her DH have been here as well so that lightened things a bit and of course it was our day child minding their DD today which is always a joy. at least now when they come for christmas it will not be for the first time without SIL.

GA I'm glad your evening went well but I am starting to pick up on some things from you posts that I don't think you're aware of.

You seem to be a highly emotional person which is not necessarily a bad thing but can be very difficult for those around you if they are not the same.

From what I have read your daughter seems to be very level-headed and is dealing with everything with what appears to be quiet dignity.

I can understand your hurt, it is only natural of course but do you think your extremes of emotion may make your daughter uncomfortable, hence she is "prickly"? If you are as emotionally charged all the time, as comes across in your posts, she will certainly find this very difficult. I imagine your attempts to act normal come across to her as forced and uncomfortable.

Please understand none if this is a criticism, we are all guilty of bringing out our inner tiger when it comes to our children, but at some point we have to accept their differences however difficult we may find it.

At some point you will have to be able to be civil to your sil as he is your ds's father and that will never change.

You also need to be prepared for her to take him back, I understand this is probably not going to happen but you need to respect her decision either way.

Whether we agree with them or not we have to support them, it is our biggest and most unenviable job.

Much love to you all xx

Hi GMA I'm glad you got through the birthday and it was ok, ok is better than not! Also the first time of doing anything after such a shock is going to be difficult but it sounds like you all handled it well. I've been thinking hard about what to say to you and am a little worried that people may think the strong emotions you show on here are actually how you are being in real life? I doubt that is the case though, it sounds as if this is a safe place for you to vent those powerful emotions but in RL you are dealing with the situation as a mother, and a good mother at that, in the right way by supporting your daughter. as someone has already said she will be further along the line of accepting the situation than you, your husband and other daughter and it's like playing catch up. for what it's worth I think your thoughts and feelings are entirely normal, that horrible lump in the pit of your stomach, the feeling you can never trust again and the unanswered questions. The horrible sadness of it all. If you weren't feeling like this it would be very odd, it shows that you are a caring and thoughtful parent so please don't think that you could have done anything to prevent what has happened. just a small tip that I have learned to help me cope, when I cant sleep I am using meditation to help. Nothing fancy, just using my imagination to send me somewhere else, in my case a lovely small island with lots of books and some bracing weather with me cocooned in a place of warmth and safety and NO ONE there. If I try hard enough it really does work and I am better for helping my son when I fell refreshed. love to you and yours gow xx

GOW!thank you every word you have said is true that is exactly what I feel .I have never cried in front of her she would hate me for it she would like to be an island she does not understand that we hurt FOR her and because of what has happend. we would love our family back whole again but accept it will never be so I also wish she would let me love her it is like trying to cuddle a cactus and has been since she hit adolescence.her husband was a lot easier to love and we felt closer to her through him I could talk to him I miss him so much.

grandmaagain I am reminded of my relationship with my mother. Her responses were emotional and she was inclined to take on everyone's burdens which I resented and usually kept emotional issues well away from her. I was really free only when I moved 4000 miles away. When I suspected that my then husband was beginning to look elsewhere, she was the last person I'd have confided in. This doesn't mean that I didn't love her, even when she irritated me to bits. I'm sure your DD feels the same. Please, just accept that she is different and don't ask for more of an emotional response than she wants to give.

PS I am worried by your remark that her husband was 'easier to love' and wonder what you mean. What do you mean by 'love'? If you mean giving affection and getting it in return, that is a very 'easy' definition. I am very sorry for your DD if you find her difficult to love if by that you mean being overtly affectionate and cuddly. I hope I have misunderstood your concept of love.

Annobel and grannyt your thoughts reflect my own. I want to be really careful and not upset you grandmaagain because you have described a really upsetting period of your life. When I worked as a relationship counsellor, being non-directive and placing thoughts and responses with the person I was providing a service to, gentle challenges were part and parcel of that process. There are quite a few Gransnetters on this thread who have put those gentle challenges forward, but I wonder whether you are ready to hear what is being said yet grandmaagain? I'll leave it there for now, and send you my warmest good wishes

GA: you have obviously been hurt but this should be about your DD. The more you shoulder needless blame, the more you are placing more focus on yourself. Consider how your DD needs your love right now. Have you thought that showing more love to SIL than your actual DD has more than likely been sensed by her? Hence the anxiety she feels possibly in confiding everything in you?
Her needs come first right now, nobody elses. It may well be that given time and space but with the right support from SIL (who must, it is hoped) be realising his past mistakes for both herself and DG then the two of them may well get back in time. DD therefore needs to know you support her no matter what and by being as you are right now wont help suopport her in any way. The more you 'grieve' the more distant she is likely to be with you
It is only human to feel the way you do but please place DD as the main focus of attention here
SIL must still be seeing and being there for DD and himself, so that should be an important factor
Has SIL ignored her completely or is he trying his best to fix something which at present seems unfixable? If he is trying to change his ways and recognise his mistakes then I am sure DD must see that in some way but in trying to get on with her life and quite rightly remove SIL's stuff from the house she is showing she can cope at the moment.
You need to transfer this feeling of 'love' you had with SIL, over to DD right now. How will you feel if she is left to get on right now on her own having to care for DG as well?
Trust me and all others on this site who are offering encouragement, DD needs YOU not vice versa right now so please try to step into her shoes and be there

I did'nt love SIL more than I loved my daughter he was just easier to approach and I felt he helped me get closer to her. He is going every day to see GS ,so I am hoping the lines of communication are open between them. We have told her repeatedly that she is the focus of our thoughts that her decisions are the ones we will respect and we will always be there for her I'm not sure what else you want me to do.

Don't worry GMA I think people just want to help and perhaps are getting the wrong end of the stick but it's very easy for all of us to think beyond what you are saying and read into it more than it is. But please rest assured that no one wants to hurt you. I think it is/was a very good thing that you loved your Sil that must have been a really good thing for your daughter when they were together, imagine the opposite and how that would have affected your relationship. I love my Dil although I am hurt that she doesn't love my son, not quite the same as you are going through but I know my son was very happy that we got on so well. I too recognise that my son's decisions are the ones I will embrace and although sometimes that's hard, and sometimes they change without warning, it is what we instinctively do isn't it? It's no wonder your daughter is a bit "prickly" at the moment but I bet she wouldn't swop you for anything. We love our children prickles and all! take care xx

Good morning gma. I hope things are settling down for you and, like gow1 I agree that people are wanting to be helpful. I find that there's a wealth of wisdom here on Gransnet and some things that others have posted have enabled me to take another look at my own views and behaviour. We're never too old to learn, are we? I wish I had lived amongst a group of friends and neighbours like our pals here on Gransnet when I was going through the pains of divorce, seeing my children struggling with first adult relationships, and worrying about health and elderly parents. What I have appreciated most is reading how other Gransnetters have offered 'tough love' advice,coming from their own experiences and knowing how things have turned out for them as a result of good or bad decisions. You will find your way through this current experience and come out the stronger for it. It's good to know that your SIL is in frequent contact with your daughter and their baby, and when hurt feelings heal in time, who knows ........you may find yourselves at some get-together in future where everybody can be comfortable in each others' company, knowing everyone has moved on and found happiness again.

GMA - I must apologise if anything I have written has hurt you in any way. You have been hurt enough. all I wanted was to help you understand your 'prickly' DD a little more, from the point of view of a 'prickly' granny who's had her thorns gradually removed over the past 50 years!

Annobel

Sometimes it's easy to pick up on throw away remarks which make a situation more understandable. When my friend said that, perhaps I was still churning over in my head what had happened to my son and that, perhaps he was moving on and I wasn't, I felt slightly hurt [even though I did feel, at the time, that was the case, and had become aware of it myself]. The fact that you were so fond of your SIL means that, not only did he betray your daughter, but he betrayed you as well, which makes it hurt even more. Much as men do want children, they can feel alienated when their wives are pregnant and, like little boys they want to be the centre of their wive's universe and can seek solace in other relationships. They can also suffer from 'post natal depression'. When my marriage was crumbling, I said to my husband 'do you want me to leave?' and he looked very sad and replied 'you left me a long time ago'. I wish I'd had the support of gransnet in those days, as I had no family to turn to, and sometimes we need to look 'outside the box'. All that I can say is that, when you're hurting there is this overwhelming sense of support on here. Feed off that, grandmaagain; it will help you through this.

over the last weeks your support has been invaluable I thank each and every one of you