Live webchat with sex & relationships expert Suzi Godson - today 10.30-11.30am

This is a question for Suzi. Sorry if it's a bit...errr.

My OH seems to be interested in us watching some sexy internet-based videos (without putting too fine a point on it) together. I think this sounds quite fun, and why not? Not something I've done on my own, though.

I keep trying to find something on the internet that I would find exciting (i don't trust his taste to find something I would like!) but to be honest all the websites seem like a pits of awfulness (I am doing my best not to be a prude, but honestly...). Is there anything out there that caters for women a bit more? Or any recommendations on how I could find something? Lots of it seems so, well, violent. Googling isn't helping, can you?!

effblinder try the website 'beecourse.com' started over 8 yrs ago by Mary Clegg(now in late 50s and qualified psychosexual consultant). Her goal was to provide info and resources especially for the over-50s in a non-pornographic ,non-threatening way.
As well as advice they supply videos,books,sex toys ete.etc by mail order(in plain covers !)

I can't see myself needing tips on tantric sex any time soon...!

I would quite like to still have the odd bit of fun, but I just don't see it happening with my husband's attitude. He seems to have lost all interest.

Suzi, do you think this is normal and should I just deal with it and accept it as part of a relationship that is fulfilling in so many other ways or should I try to change his mind? I find it quite difficult emotionally to do this - the public common consensus is that men want to have sex all the time. Very hard to feel like it's not one's own fault!

I'm with eggmayo here - it's now 12 months (more or less to the day - not that I'm counting) since my OH and I had sex. Successful sex, at any rate: we've had a couple of no-shows (so to speak), the last being in, I think, August. I have a Rabbit which gets used regularly, but it has a lousy attitude to foreplay, and post-coital cuddles are a definite no-no. I don't like to initiate in case he isn't up to it, and lord knows what he's thinking - last time I broached the subject he was adamant that he hadn't lost his libido. And I worry that last time the main problem was that I just wasn't getting aroused - but the Rabbit is so "vigorous" that his frankly rather limited repertoire isn't doing it for me. And no, I can't think of any way to explain that; and yes, I've suggested "sex toys", and explained that it takes me longer than when I was in my 30s.
It doesn't help that the menopause has left me distinctly delicate when it comes to sex. Maybe he's just afraid of hurting me: he has hinted at that.
The relationship is better than it's ever been in every other respect. But I'm way off 60 - is this it?

Go see gp. Dinoestrol cream might help the delicate bit if you mean sore and dry!

Right! I can add my voice to eggmayo/fatfairy's but with a twist: past 60 husband is up for it mentally, but not quite physically, and whilst I don't have any of the menopausal problems mentioned, I'm not feeling it re the extra effort that needs to be put in to get us on the same page so to speak (couldn't really be bothered, is that just being lazy?) And it takes a lot of effort. . We've 'talked to the GP' but (to paraphrase a famous person who said this on TV after his prostrate cancer treatment) - O-rings or pumps?! Come on! Also agree that mechanical toys are just too - well, mechanical. So I'm not expecting any miracle answers but will follow the webchat with interest.

Hi Suzi, My DH was made redundant about 7 months ago and since then we have had almost no sex. He's always tired or has a cold or finds some other excuse. I am sure he's depressed and I know that can have an impact - but I feel he is punishing me and taking out the situation on me. He knows I'm upset and feel pushed away. Have you got any tips for interesting him? Please don't ask me to talk to him about it because I've tried and he won't engage with it.

My husband fantasises about anal sex when we are having sex. This is obviously turning him on though I have to say it's not doing much for me. Do you think I should broach the subject with him when we are not in the throes? Does it mean he actually wants anal sex? This has only started quite recently and I am rather bemused by it.

Hello Suzi,

I am will be 54 this year, my husband is 57. We have been together for 11 years in April (second marriage for both of us) and married for almost 8 years.

I have always had a higher sex drive than him, but we have now not had full sex for 7 years. (It tailed off almost immediately after we got married!) He has had periods of being out of work, which leads to him being depressed (but refuses to go to our GP about it). When pressed he blames the lack of activity on this, but for a while he had a job that he absolutely loved, but still nothing happened.

We have occasional "intimacy", nearly always initiated by me. I have tried leaving it to him, but it just wouldn't happen.

I feel so sad about this, as I absolutely adore him, and feel that making love is an extension of the way I feel about him and something very special and precious that we should share.

I know that he wouldn't consider counselling, as he doesn't even it find it easy to talk about things with me.

I feel that it is just never going to happen again. He was never what you might call adventurous, even when we did have a sex life. I don't expect him ever to leap from the top of the wardrobe strangely dressed and clutching odd devices, but it would be so nice to make love again.

Any advice?

Many thanks.

skydiver - my partner used to think anal sex was more or less his "right". Until one day when - for some strange reason - he was talking about the awful tests men have to go through to check for prostate cancer - basically a finger trawl around the prostate via the anus. I let him be appalled and horrified for a few minutes - then reminded him of his interest in anal sex. I noticed he's never raised the subject since.

I'd love some advice please Suzi. Happily married, both enjoy sex when we actually do it - but most of the time we are just too tired to even think about it both still working, looking after DGC, busy lives) We both agree we would like to do it more - but the idea of sleep if usually just too tempting (how much the opposite of younger days?). So - is this normal? What can we do? Thanks

Oh - while I'm here can I ask one more thing? How often is normal? Yes, I know it varies but one always gets the impression that everyone is having far more sex than we are and I'm sure most of them are making it up!!

My 80+ lady thought 2 to 3 times a week wasn't very often! Her husband was a bit younger.

fatfairy and skydiver - I find that one way of being nagged for anal sex is to mention that you read somewhere that (the desire for it in heterosexual men) may be a sign of latent homosexuality. You'lll never be asked again. (I made that up by the way, but it's a wonderful get out clause).

sorry that shd read one way of getting past being nagged ...

Hi Suzi,

I wondered if you could give me some advice about lubricants. There is a product called "vielle" in my local chemist, which I am really resistant to buying because I believe it means old in French, or even "the old woman." Not great marketing. Then there are various things in garishly coloured bottles that promise to taste nice. I bet they taste of cheap sweets really.

Is there anything you can recommend?

getmehrt we've just found and started to use a lubricant called 'Sylk' - and it is brilliant. Plant based so no nasty chemicals - you can buy it online or get your GP to prescribe it for you. We had tried several before this and they were not as good. Hope that helps you.

Hi Suzi, Mr granIT is interested in sex first thing in the morning when all I care about is a cup of tea and I really struggle to feel excited about anything else, and much less interested in the afternoon or evening, when I would be only too happy to go to bed. Have you any suggestions for resolving this difficulty?

My body is not what it was - and I worry that this is making me inhibited in the bedroom (prefer to hide under a sheet frankly) - any tips?

I recently went to a party where I bumped into a man I used to know in my twenties and fancied madly. Back then one or other of us was always going out with someone else. We had a fantastic evening flirting and laughing and we have been out a few times since then. He is not currently in a relationship, he says, but has always "had difficulty with monogamy."

I don't want to get married again - or even a particularly serious relationship - but I do feel I'm entitled to ask for proper attention while I am seeing someone. I can't make up my mind whether to call a halt now or to go along with it.

In your experience, are men naturally non-mongamous? Is he just honest? or is he, as I suspect, a bit of an idiot and not prepared to be open to me?

About six months ago I found out that my DP was flirting with a work colleague online. He says there was nothing serious in it but I was deeply hurt. (The flirting was quite outrageous and she is half my age and very attractive.) Since then I have found it very difficult to lose myself in sex. I get flashes of fury and want either to burst into tears or do something violent.

For what it's worth, I believe him when he says they weren't having an affair (I saw her emails and they were quite polite and cool) but I can't forgive him the betrayal. Am I going mad? Is there some way of getting over this? I feel I have in normal life, but when we have sex it all bubbles up again and sort of takes me over.

spid I hope this is something you can work your way through. Some men are just plain daft! She hasn't behaved badly, and it's a bit of thoughtless behaviour on his part. Let him know feel furious with him and need to recover, then make a list of all the horrible jobs you need doing and crack that whip!

Carol I love that whip!! . Men are so stupid, just led by their trousers!

Dear Suzi

Slipped disc plus healthy sex drive - help!! The two are really not compatible but there is not much I can do about the former and I don't want to give up on the latter

Thank you

k

Spid, my brother did the same thing and my lovely sister in law was really hurt. He told her that it happened all the time in offices and that it was harmless. Don't blame you for nort wanting rampant sex with him, but love the idea of the whip ! Hope you can work your way through it. ((hugs))