Live webchat with sex & relationships expert Suzi Godson - today 10.30-11.30am

jil

Hello Suzi.

Can you please explain tantric sex to me. I have thought this sounded interesting ever since Sting (sigh) first mentioned it some years ago, but have been unable to get my head round it.

Can you please explain it in very simple terms so that my husband can understand.

I believe you can do it for hours. All day even.

Thank you.

jil ?

Hi Jil

Have to say I am not the best person to ask about Tantric sex. I forced my husband to come to a Tantric workshop with me a couple of years ago and I clearly wasn't cut out for it. The class was run by a woman called Leonora Lightfoot – which wasn’t a good start I felt – and the room was full of people w who wanted to hold hands and ‘share’ their feelings.

It is true that if you master Tantra, you can apparently make sex last for hours (not something that I currently have time for), and the key, apparently, is to time your breathing – you inhale while your partner exhales – and you have to try to 'take the breath down deep inside your body', which sounds a bit yoga-ish. To quote a Tantric guru “Becoming conscious about your breath is central to all yogic practices and is foundational in Tantra.”

You also need to keep your eyes open because, according to the guru “Truly witnessing the act of love is profoundly transformative.”

And you have to do everything really, really slowly because “A leisurely, slow build helps men control longevity and piques women’s arousal. The longer you linger in this process of building energy, the longer your session will last and the more energy you will build”.

Also, if you did everything really quickly it would be over in five minutes.

Because it takes ages, your mind will obviously be distracted by the cobwebs on the ceiling, or the fact that you could do with a cup of tea. When this happens you need to focus and try and be in the moment, all the moments…. for five hours or so.

If this whets your appetite and you would like to give it a go, the class I attended is called Diamond Light Tantra. www.diamondlighttantra.com

effblinder

This is a question for Suzi. Sorry if it's a bit...errr.

My OH seems to be interested in us watching some sexy internet-based videos (without putting too fine a point on it) together. I think this sounds quite fun, and why not? Not something I've done on my own, though.

I keep trying to find something on the internet that I would find exciting (i don't trust his taste to find something I would like!) but to be honest all the websites seem like a pits of awfulness (I am doing my best not to be a prude, but honestly...). Is there anything out there that caters for women a bit more? Or any recommendations on how I could find something? Lots of it seems so, well, violent. Googling isn't helping, can you?!

Hi Effblinder

The best way to ensure that you avoid the usual clichés is to look at porn movies made by women, for women. There are a number of female directors making porn that is female friendly and sex positive. The following websites are worth investigating.

Erika Lust's films have a cool modern feel:
www.erikalust.com/films/
Petra Joy's are more visual and sensuous:
www.petrajoy.com/vision.asp
Anna Span’s are a little more hardcore:
www.annaspansdiary.com/movies.php

eggmayo

I can't see myself needing tips on tantric sex any time soon...!

I would quite like to still have the odd bit of fun, but I just don't see it happening with my husband's attitude. He seems to have lost all interest.

Suzi, do you think this is normal and should I just deal with it and accept it as part of a relationship that is fulfilling in so many other ways or should I try to change his mind? I find it quite difficult emotionally to do this - the public common consensus is that men want to have sex all the time. Very hard to feel like it's not one's own fault!

Hi Eggmayo

Although the common consensus is that men want more sex than women you wouldn’t believe how many emails I get from women who are in the same boat as you. I have written a lot about this issue on my website www.moresexdaily.com so have a look at the site and if you have specific concerns you can get in touch with me there.

The fact that your husband does not want to have sex with you is not your fault and if sex is important to you then your husband has a duty to, at least, talk to you about why he has lost interest in it. Sex does decrease over time but intimacy is the glue that holds your relationship together so you can’t afford to let it go. It does not have to be penetrative if your husband feels challenged by that, but it does have to be physical and affectionate.

Perhaps if you re-frame your need for sex as a need for affection, attention and intimacy he will feel less anxious about having to perform? And if his real anxiety relates to the unreliability of his erection, as long as he is not taking Nitrates for heart problems, he can get a prescription from his doctor for either Cialis or Viagra.

fatfairy

I'm with eggmayo here - it's now 12 months (more or less to the day - not that I'm counting) since my OH and I had sex. Successful sex, at any rate: we've had a couple of no-shows (so to speak), the last being in, I think, August. I have a Rabbit which gets used regularly, but it has a lousy attitude to foreplay, and post-coital cuddles are a definite no-no. I don't like to initiate in case he isn't up to it, and lord knows what he's thinking - last time I broached the subject he was adamant that he hadn't lost his libido. And I worry that last time the main problem was that I just wasn't getting aroused - but the Rabbit is so "vigorous" that his frankly rather limited repertoire isn't doing it for me. And no, I can't think of any way to explain that; and yes, I've suggested "sex toys", and explained that it takes me longer than when I was in my 30s.
It doesn't help that the menopause has left me distinctly delicate when it comes to sex. Maybe he's just afraid of hurting me: he has hinted at that.
The relationship is better than it's ever been in every other respect. But I'm way off 60 - is this it?

Hi Fat Fairy

It sounds as if he should go and see his GP. If his erection is unreliable then he should get himself a prescription for Viagra or Cialis (see my note to EggMayo).

Ciallis is better because it lasts for 36 hours so sex can be more spontaneous, whereas Viagra only works for four hours.

I suspect that if your husband had more faith in his erection he would be able to spend longer on foreplay. More foreplay would mean you were more aroused, especially if you make sure to use plenty of lube. And that, I’m sure, would improve things for both of you.

If you feel a bit delicate down there you might also want to discuss using oestrogen cream with your doc. You put it on daily for three weeks and then once a week.

Also, have a look at the ageing section on www.moresexdaily.com/thesexthieves/aging/. There are some very good comments from readers and doctors about vaginal lubrication.

E1saBe

Right! I can add my voice to eggmayo/fatfairy's but with a twist: past 60 husband is up for it mentally, but not quite physically, and whilst I don't have any of the menopausal problems mentioned, I'm not feeling it re the extra effort that needs to be put in to get us on the same page so to speak (couldn't really be bothered, is that just being lazy?) And it takes a lot of effort. . We've 'talked to the GP' but (to paraphrase a famous person who said this on TV after his prostrate cancer treatment) - O-rings or pumps?! Come on! Also agree that mechanical toys are just too - well, mechanical. So I'm not expecting any miracle answers but will follow the webchat with interest.

Hi E1saBe

He’s not up to it but you are, so why not get your needs met first.

Sex does not have to centre around penetration, nor does it have to revolve around male orgasm.

If he can talk, he can give you cunnilingus!

If you make it all about you, you take the pressure off him.

And the most arousing thing for any man is feeling his partner come on the tip of his tongue….

crisisgran

Hi Suzi, My DH was made redundant about 7 months ago and since then we have had almost no sex. He's always tired or has a cold or finds some other excuse. I am sure he's depressed and I know that can have an impact - but I feel he is punishing me and taking out the situation on me. He knows I'm upset and feel pushed away. Have you got any tips for interesting him? Please don't ask me to talk to him about it because I've tried and he won't engage with it.

Hi Crisisgran

That sounds like a really tough situation and I can understand why you might not want to talk to him, however you can’t go on like this.

Unemployment is a well-known trigger for depression and research by Morten Blekesaune, of the Institute for Social and Economic Research, has established that losing your job also increases the chance of losing your relationship. Because depression tends to make people withdrawn and lethargic, it puts pressure on the functioning partner, who is forced to take responsibility for paying the bills, cleaning the house, making social arrangements, calling the repair man or minding the children. Inevitably, that domestic imbalance builds resentment.

In simple terms, depression creates distress, and distress makes people depressed. It is a vicious circle, which is very difficult to break, and married couples who are dealing with depression are nine times more likely to divorce.

So, he needs to talk to a doctor because I suspect he may need anti depressants. Once he feels better your sexual difficulties should resolve but if they don’t you should try and get a referral to a sex therapist. Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

skydiver

My husband fantasises about anal sex when we are having sex. This is obviously turning him on though I have to say it's not doing much for me. Do you think I should broach the subject with him when we are not in the throes? Does it mean he actually wants anal sex? This has only started quite recently and I am rather bemused by it.

Hi Skydiver

It is a well known fact that most women only have anal sex twice. Once to see what it is like, and the second time to see if it was really that bad.

If your husband’s fantasy progresses and he expresses a desire to try anal sex I would suggest you invest in one of these www.bondara.co.uk/rampant-cock-and-ball-strap-on.

Tell your husband that you are more than happy to try out anal sex.... ON HIM!.

I guarantee you will only ever have to use your strap-on-dildo twice. Once for him to see what it is like, and the second time …..

phoenix

Hello Suzi,

I am will be 54 this year, my husband is 57. We have been together for 11 years in April (second marriage for both of us) and married for almost 8 years.

I have always had a higher sex drive than him, but we have now not had full sex for 7 years. (It tailed off almost immediately after we got married!) He has had periods of being out of work, which leads to him being depressed (but refuses to go to our GP about it). When pressed he blames the lack of activity on this, but for a while he had a job that he absolutely loved, but still nothing happened.

We have occasional "intimacy", nearly always initiated by me. I have tried leaving it to him, but it just wouldn't happen.

I feel so sad about this, as I absolutely adore him, and feel that making love is an extension of the way I feel about him and something very special and precious that we should share.

I know that he wouldn't consider counselling, as he doesn't even it find it easy to talk about things with me.

I feel that it is just never going to happen again. He was never what you might call adventurous, even when we did have a sex life. I don't expect him ever to leap from the top of the wardrobe strangely dressed and clutching odd devices, but it would be so nice to make love again.

Any advice?

Many thanks.

Hi Phoenix

It sounds like the two of you have a very warm and loving relationship so it really is a shame that there is such a big gap where your sex life should be.

You clearly have a big heart, but it worries me that you are so accepting of your husbands refusal to go to counseling, or to see his GP.

By shutting the door on the idea of help, he is effectively refusing to do anything to make the situation better and that is very unfair on you.

If he suffers from depression he needs to get help because as I pointed out to Crisisgran, the implications for your marriage are very serious.

I've said in an earlier post that it does not matter what form intimacy takes. It doesn't have to be penetrative but it does have to make you feel connected. Without that physical bond you lose hold of each other and since sex and intimacy increases dopamine and oxytocin it would be hugely beneficial for your husbands mental health too.

jakesgran

I'd love some advice please Suzi. Happily married, both enjoy sex when we actually do it - but most of the time we are just too tired to even think about it both still working, looking after DGC, busy lives) We both agree we would like to do it more - but the idea of sleep if usually just too tempting (how much the opposite of younger days?). So - is this normal? What can we do? Thanks

Hi Jakesgran

I don’t know if you heard me on Women’s Hour last week but I was discussing the idea of scheduling time for sex. Basically, my hubby and I were having a tough time. He was going to work at six am and coming home at seven pm. We were both studying at night. My kid was ill and we just never had the time or the energy to have sex. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I had a total melt down about it all, so he came home from work for lunch and we ended up having sex. And then he came on Thursday at lunch. And we carried on carving out those two hours a week until the holidays came and there were kids all over the house again.

It was really fantastic and a plan I would highly recommend for people who’s daily lives are destroying their sex lives. It obviously does not have to be at lunchtime – we were lucky he worked nearby – it could be Saturday or Sunday mornings or Wednesday at six, whatever works for you.

As for what is normal, well I will be gathering the results of my sex survey soon and I will be able to tell you lots of really interesting info about who does what, when and how often. In the mean time do not believe the hype about twice a week being average. It is more like once a month and when you are over sixty that drops to about once every two months.

greatgablegran

I recently went to a party where I bumped into a man I used to know in my twenties and fancied madly. Back then one or other of us was always going out with someone else. We had a fantastic evening flirting and laughing and we have been out a few times since then. He is not currently in a relationship, he says, but has always "had difficulty with monogamy."

I don't want to get married again - or even a particularly serious relationship - but I do feel I'm entitled to ask for proper attention while I am seeing someone. I can't make up my mind whether to call a halt now or to go along with it.

In your experience, are men naturally non-mongamous? Is he just honest? or is he, as I suspect, a bit of an idiot and not prepared to be open to me?

Hi Greatgablegran

I can’t work out whether you are in a sexual relationship with him?

If you are and you can’t deal with the idea of non-monogamy then you have every right to give him an ultimatum.

If the relationship is just about fun and flirting and has not yet progressed to sex, then it would be unwise to make a big a deal of it.

His “difficulty with monogamy” may in fact be a polite way of letting you know that he does not want a relationship with you.

In terms of relationships in later life, it is often better to keep things on a casual footing rather than trying to follow the path of earlier commitments that may have progressed to marriage and children.

You don’t necessarily need to aim for cohabitation and shared financial responsibilities. Dating, sex and companionship may be enough.

northerngran

My body is not what it was - and I worry that this is making me inhibited in the bedroom (prefer to hide under a sheet frankly) - any tips?

Hi Northerngran

You are not alone. A couple of years ago a survey, by Shuc, a bathroom equipment company, revealed that 33 per cent of British women think that they are too fat to appear naked in front of their partners and one woman in ten has to switch off the light before she can undress.

A similar investigation by the magazine Psychology Today found that 15 per cent of 3,452 women said that they would sacrifice more than five years of their lives to be the weight they want, and 24 per cent said that they would give up more than three years.

Fortunately, gravity is gender neutral and ageing men suffer from exactly the same insecurities about physical deterioration. It is just that they are not allowed to moan about it quite so openly.

You can’t turn back the clock but you can do your best to eat well and stay fit and make the most of what you have.

You could also do what Janice Turner did in the Times last weekend. She dressed up as an eighty year old for the day in order to understand what it was like to be physically restricted in a society that sets so much store on youth and mobility.

As she discovered, there is nothing like looking and feeling your mother’s age to make you realise that you are not quite past it yet.

There is info on female and male body image on my website here www.moresexdaily.com/thesexthieves/female-body-image/

Your can read Janice Turner’s article here
www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/magazine/article3295417.ece

granIT

Hi Suzi, Mr granIT is interested in sex first thing in the morning when all I care about is a cup of tea and I really struggle to feel excited about anything else, and much less interested in the afternoon or evening, when I would be only too happy to go to bed. Have you any suggestions for resolving this difficulty?

Hi GranIT

You need to meet him half way honey. If you don’t want it in the morning and you are not too pushed about it in the afternoon or evening, you aren’t exactly leaving him with many options are you?

If your husband wants sex all the time and you don’t want it at all then the two of you need to agree on a compromise. It will probably mean you pushing yourself to your maximum and him decreasing his expectations to his minimum.

getmehrt

Hi Suzi,

I wondered if you could give me some advice about lubricants. There is a product called "vielle" in my local chemist, which I am really resistant to buying because I believe it means old in French, or even "the old woman." Not great marketing. Then there are various things in garishly coloured bottles that promise to taste nice. I bet they taste of cheap sweets really.

Is there anything you can recommend?

Hi Getmehrt

I’m a big lube fan and I’ve tried em all. Vielle is actually pretty good, as is Syllk, but Astroglide is definitely the best.

'Yes' brand is nice (and organic) too, and so are the Coco de Mer ones, but they are a bit more expensive.

Basically, go for a silicon base and you can’t go wrong.

Also, try applying it with surgical gloves.... so wrong and yet so right!

crosspatch

My GP has suggested that I should take anti-depressants (SSRIs) but I am reluctant, at least partly because I have heard they can lower your sex drive. Is this true? I have felt quite low since a bereavement four months ago but this depression has not particularly manifested itself in sex.

Hi Crosspatch

If you feel really down you shouldn't avoid antidepressants because you may only need them for a short time to help you get through this difficult time.

Yes, SSRI's do reduce libido but the older MAOI"S don't.

There is also a combination of two newer anti depressants which actually encourage female libido, but annoyingly I will need to log back in later and give their names to you as I can't remember them off the top of my head.