How to deal with mil need advice

Bubble, my mil was great and never interfered but was supportive. On the one (only one) occasion my FiL mildly contradicted my instructions to my six year old, I just said quietly but firmly: "She'll do as she's told." As this was coming out of my mouth, mil's hand was being placed on Fil's shoulder and he was being gently but firmly pulled away. He subsided. DD did as she was told and stopped her 'for the benefit of grandpa strop'. All was well

Mil is coming round today so I have my fingers crossed for a nice visit

Right, I'll cross mine too . Assertiveness is not aggression.

Good luck, bubble22, and do let us know how it goes. Calm but firm is the way to go!
The only time I have ever interfered in my own daughters' parenting was when one of them tried to interfere with her own daughter, who was trying to wean my great-grandchild at the age of 11 months. Fortunately, my gd is a very confident young mum and ignored her mother but she told me later she was glad of my support when I told her mother to back off and leave her to make her own decisions about the right way to wean the baby.

Don't be put off posting by J08's remarks -she specialises in them - one of the favourite comments is 'just saying'. It would be such a shame if a new member was affected be her unpleasant posts.

There is a thread for those of us who have been denied contact with our children and/or grandchildren and after getting up the courage to pour out our worries and sorrow we were told by at least one nasty member that it must be our own fault. Fortunately, he or she was told off in no uncertain terms by many members and I believe has left the forum. You get people like that on all open forums.

Thanks for your comments it has helped me GE into the right mindset

^^ helped me get into the right mindset

I think the problem is many grandparents feel that as they have born and brought up 1, 2 or 3 or more children themselves they know better than their DD/DDiL who has just had her first child. So they constantly butt in to tell you/show you what you ought to be doing. Its not done from any malice but because they really believe they know best.

They do it because they want to 'help' because they love their grandchild so much. I was fortunate DMiL never said anything but my DM was always trying to 'help' in the early months. I was kind but firm and did it my way and she eventually stopped saying anything, although I could always see her thinking it!

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Being assertive is constructive, J08. Bubble appears to be sensitive and aware about the issue. I didn't see anything spiteful in Greatnan's posts, but yours seemed to be intent on setting the cat among the pigeons. Let's have a peaceful day, eh?

Of course, I only meant the part of her post relating to me. Quite honestly when I thought your post was not much better.

I don't intend to have any sort of a day on here.

Bubble; did she actually put your baby to her breast?? If so I'm astounded. I once went out for a short shopping trip only to return home and find some friends had come round to visit. My baby had woken up and it had been suggested that my friend, who was breastfeeding her own baby at the time should feed her. Thankfully this didn't happen. If I'd returned home to find my baby latched on to someone else I don't know how I would have handled it. It's you MIL that needs to grow up and back off. Don't let her ruin this time for you .

'Only the part of the post relating to me'. Yet again can I point out [yet again] that this thread is about the OP and not you. To tell her to 'grow up' was an insult, by the way.

JO8 --A Hug.

I cannot add much to the constructive advice and sympathy so far, but wonder how much you have to see her? Is she round every day? If so- a previous engagement or 5 might come in useful? Alternatively if she comes for a loooooooooooong visit, again could you set a time when e.g. you are going out/friends are coming round/you have the Health Visitor?
Perhaps also some diversionary tactics - like asking her to do something really useful (no not a long jump off a short pier) like making a meal/popping out to the shops/putting a load of washing on or hanging it out or ironing.You c ould kill 2 birds with one stone- 1) she might leave you in peace or 2) at least she would be useful.
I do feel for you, she is being dreadfully insensitive at best and a MIL from Hell at worst. I do hope I am not like that........

It comes down to the meanings of words - again. Assertive means stating your own position, and being in control of what is your business. Aggressive means over-stating your side and trying to control other people's business, to the point of bullying.

Bubbles is in charge of this baby, not her MiL. If she were to attack her Mil verbally (or physically!) she would be aggressive. If she allows her MiL to believe that she is the final arbiter of the baby's regime, she would a doormat. She sounds sensitive enough to take the middle way and have things as she wants them without alienating MiL. Assertive and subtle without tipping over into aggression. It is a fine line but it will have the best result.

Bubbles, I feel for you, and I can only suggest (after all the very good advice you've already been given) that you speak to your Mil as you would like to be spoken to, in a similar situation.
Kindly, with a smile, and ignore her silly reactions.

Your baby, your rules Bubble22. In my opinion that is the beginning and the end of it. She has no right to interfere or imply you are doing any thing wrong. I am afraid from my experience some MiLs have to learn how to behave, and it often takes a big argument to put them straight, and that is down to your OH. You have a little baby to think about and care for and he should be protecting you from stress. My DDs trust me implicitly as they know that whatever it is they ask of me regarding their babies I will do, as my motto is "their baby, their rules" whereas one of my DDs has a MiL who almost always questions her actions, and tries to do what she thinks right. Needless to say I am the one who gets to look after the children. Good luck xx

Jingle, last week you called me a silly old trout and I let it go. Now you have called me spiteful......have you heard of 'Three strikes and you're out'?

My ex husband and I had a simple rule - he dealt with his family and I dealt with mine. I think it is much easier to put your point firmly with somebody you love, without any long lasting resentment.

Are you living with your mil, if this is the case it could be very irritating if she is constantly giving advice which you have not asked for.

If not but she is constantly round at yours start going out. Join a mother and baby group and get out of the house it's good for you and the baby.

The thing probably she as forgotten is that all babies are different what works for one doesn't for another. You could have six and they are all different.

You need to get on with her for everyone's sake but I really do think your husband should be more supportive, ask him to have a word with her and his father to get the message across as she it is getting you down and you really want to enjoy this time in babies life as it is so short.

Tegan - yes mil was holding my baby and had my dd head next to her breast. It upset me and I did raise my voice at her and said do not tease my baby girl and and to stop that now. Yet she never apologised.

Gracesmum - mil lives 5 mins in the car and we now see her once every two weeks or once a week. I don't mind mil having long visits if they are planned so she can have time with my dd but its just her as a person I'm finding hard to spend time with.

Jeanie99 - no we are not living with mil (phew!)

I have joined a mothers group so may start opening up once I make some good friends

I do find it hard to like her. I'm trying to make sure I don't snap. I will work hard!

Today she came over and was playing with my dd and I said look at my dd chunky toes they are just like mine and i just laughed. I do love he chunky toes. Then mil said no I think dd looks like my daughter I'm like ehhh? So my dd looks like my sister in law.

I swear every time I see her she has to say my dd looks like someone else but me - maybe it's something I will never understand oh well.

I'm pleased I have posted as everyone's comments have been extremely useful and getting me on the right track.

Thanks everyone

I called your post spiteful*Greatnan*. Believe me, that was nothing to what I actually had in mind.

Go ahead.

Please keep posting Bubble and let us know how you get on; sometimes we hear from people and then they never post again and no one knows what has happened to them. I think you need more confidence and you'll get it from talking to people on here. Good luck .

A mothers' group is a great idea. You can thrash out your issues with women in the same situation as you and compare notes. There's always someone who has dealt with the same thing, and people to socialise with when you need a break