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How to deal with mil need advice

(94 Posts)
Bubble22 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:38:13

Hi I thought I'd come onto this site as I have noticed some dil have made postings so thought it may help!

I'm going to have to be straight to the point as it will be a long post sorry! Basically I find my mil hard to deal with. I think deep down she is a nice person but I'm not enjoying her company.

I have a 4 month old daughter. I exclusively breast feed its been hard but feel pretty proud I have managed to keep going. Well my mil doesn't listen to what I have to say and I just wanted to see if you have any good advice.

Basically my Dd has a bit of reflux and often beings up a bit of milk so after a feed she needs to sit in her chair as she doesn't like being held she wriggles a lot! So me and DH have a little routine and it often helps keep her milk down if she is sitting still for a bit after a feed. Mil just insists that she needs winding when I have already done it. She even by passes me and picks up my dd without even asking and tries to wind her I have asked her to leave my dd be as she is fine. She also tries to wake her when she is sleeping and when I ask her not to wake her I can tell she doesn't like it when I ask her not to do things and I know I ask nicely as my DH is present and he has reassured me I haven't been rude.

When my dd needs feeding I say right I'm off to feed her and my mil says she doesn't need feeding. I don't understand why she feels the need to say that I am wrong when I know she is due for a feed and dd is routing. I find her rude implying that I don't know what my dd wants. I'm very confident and know what my dd needs.

Mil has acted inappropriatly by mimiking breast feeding my baby whilst she is screaming her head off - this put me of her straight away. I thought she was extremely rude!

Mil constantly asks me about my finances, dd is going to nursery so mil asks very nosey questions about my money which had nothing to do with her

Mil shakes her head and pouts when she can't get her own way. One time I was holding my dd and having a lovely cuddle mil asks to hold her and I said not yet as I am enjoying my cuddle. I would have passed dd over but she got up and started shaking her head and rolling her eyes. I mean can't a mother just finish her cuddle?

How do I deal with her. i have told my dh that inam on a verge of blowing up. He said that hr would go and talk to her but i think it needs to come from me? do I start being straight with er and say I'm not discussing my finances with you then switch the kettle on?

Please tell me that this isn't normal mil and dil relationship? I'm a conscientious person I don't tread on anyone's toes and I don't ask person questions about other people's finances.

Our relationship was distant before I had my dd we just met at family meals and the was it. She does like to take over and I really don't like it sad

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 05:53:47

Bubble, my mil was great and never interfered but was supportive. On the one (only one) occasion my FiL mildly contradicted my instructions to my six year old, I just said quietly but firmly: "She'll do as she's told." As this was coming out of my mouth, mil's hand was being placed on Fil's shoulder and he was being gently but firmly pulled away. He subsided. DD did as she was told and stopped her 'for the benefit of grandpa strop'. All was well smile

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 06:05:40

Mil is coming round today so I have my fingers crossed for a nice visit

Bags Sat 13-Jul-13 06:25:59

Right, I'll cross mine too sunshine. Assertiveness is not aggression.

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 06:26:24

Good luck, bubble22, and do let us know how it goes. Calm but firm is the way to go!
The only time I have ever interfered in my own daughters' parenting was when one of them tried to interfere with her own daughter, who was trying to wean my great-grandchild at the age of 11 months. Fortunately, my gd is a very confident young mum and ignored her mother but she told me later she was glad of my support when I told her mother to back off and leave her to make her own decisions about the right way to wean the baby.

Don't be put off posting by J08's remarks -she specialises in them - one of the favourite comments is 'just saying'. It would be such a shame if a new member was affected be her unpleasant posts.

There is a thread for those of us who have been denied contact with our children and/or grandchildren and after getting up the courage to pour out our worries and sorrow we were told by at least one nasty member that it must be our own fault. Fortunately, he or she was told off in no uncertain terms by many members and I believe has left the forum. You get people like that on all open forums.

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 08:06:05

Thanks for your comments it has helped me GE into the right mindset

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 09:48:52

^^ helped me get into the right mindset

FlicketyB Sat 13-Jul-13 11:22:12

I think the problem is many grandparents feel that as they have born and brought up 1, 2 or 3 or more children themselves they know better than their DD/DDiL who has just had her first child. So they constantly butt in to tell you/show you what you ought to be doing. Its not done from any malice but because they really believe they know best.

They do it because they want to 'help' because they love their grandchild so much. I was fortunate DMiL never said anything but my DM was always trying to 'help' in the early months. I was kind but firm and did it my way and she eventually stopped saying anything, although I could always see her thinking it!

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 11:23:33

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

whenim64 Sat 13-Jul-13 11:29:49

Being assertive is constructive, J08. Bubble appears to be sensitive and aware about the issue. I didn't see anything spiteful in Greatnan's posts, but yours seemed to be intent on setting the cat among the pigeons. Let's have a peaceful day, eh? smile

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 11:36:14

Of course, I only meant the part of her post relating to me. Quite honestly when I thought your post was not much better.

I don't intend to have any sort of a day on here.

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 11:36:46

Bubble; did she actually put your baby to her breast?? If so I'm astounded. I once went out for a short shopping trip only to return home and find some friends had come round to visit. My baby had woken up and it had been suggested that my friend, who was breastfeeding her own baby at the time should feed her. Thankfully this didn't happen. If I'd returned home to find my baby latched on to someone else I don't know how I would have handled it. It's you MIL that needs to grow up and back off. Don't let her ruin this time for you flowers.

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 11:38:59

'Only the part of the post relating to me'. Yet again can I point out [yet again] that this thread is about the OP and not you. To tell her to 'grow up' was an insult, by the way.

Nonu Sat 13-Jul-13 11:39:11

JO8 --A Hug.

gracesmum Sat 13-Jul-13 11:49:55

I cannot add much to the constructive advice and sympathy so far, but wonder how much you have to see her? Is she round every day? If so- a previous engagement or 5 might come in useful? Alternatively if she comes for a loooooooooooong visit, again could you set a time when e.g. you are going out/friends are coming round/you have the Health Visitor?
Perhaps also some diversionary tactics - like asking her to do something really useful (no not a long jump off a short pier) like making a meal/popping out to the shops/putting a load of washing on or hanging it out or ironing.You c ould kill 2 birds with one stone- 1) she might leave you in peace or 2) at least she would be useful.
I do feel for you, she is being dreadfully insensitive at best and a MIL from Hell at worst. I do hope I am not like that........hmm

Elegran Sat 13-Jul-13 11:54:17

It comes down to the meanings of words - again. Assertive means stating your own position, and being in control of what is your business. Aggressive means over-stating your side and trying to control other people's business, to the point of bullying.

Bubbles is in charge of this baby, not her MiL. If she were to attack her Mil verbally (or physically!) she would be aggressive. If she allows her MiL to believe that she is the final arbiter of the baby's regime, she would a doormat. She sounds sensitive enough to take the middle way and have things as she wants them without alienating MiL. Assertive and subtle without tipping over into aggression. It is a fine line but it will have the best result.

Ella46 Sat 13-Jul-13 14:19:59

Bubbles, I feel for you, and I can only suggest (after all the very good advice you've already been given) that you speak to your Mil as you would like to be spoken to, in a similar situation.
Kindly, with a smile, and ignore her silly reactions.

nanapug Sat 13-Jul-13 15:21:49

Your baby, your rules Bubble22. In my opinion that is the beginning and the end of it. She has no right to interfere or imply you are doing any thing wrong. I am afraid from my experience some MiLs have to learn how to behave, and it often takes a big argument to put them straight, and that is down to your OH. You have a little baby to think about and care for and he should be protecting you from stress. My DDs trust me implicitly as they know that whatever it is they ask of me regarding their babies I will do, as my motto is "their baby, their rules" whereas one of my DDs has a MiL who almost always questions her actions, and tries to do what she thinks right. Needless to say I am the one who gets to look after the children. Good luck xx

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 16:49:08

Jingle, last week you called me a silly old trout and I let it go. Now you have called me spiteful......have you heard of 'Three strikes and you're out'?

Greatnan Sat 13-Jul-13 16:51:26

My ex husband and I had a simple rule - he dealt with his family and I dealt with mine. I think it is much easier to put your point firmly with somebody you love, without any long lasting resentment.

jeanie99 Sat 13-Jul-13 17:25:23

Are you living with your mil, if this is the case it could be very irritating if she is constantly giving advice which you have not asked for.

If not but she is constantly round at yours start going out. Join a mother and baby group and get out of the house it's good for you and the baby.

The thing probably she as forgotten is that all babies are different what works for one doesn't for another. You could have six and they are all different.

You need to get on with her for everyone's sake but I really do think your husband should be more supportive, ask him to have a word with her and his father to get the message across as she it is getting you down and you really want to enjoy this time in babies life as it is so short.

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 18:03:17

Tegan - yes mil was holding my baby and had my dd head next to her breast. It upset me and I did raise my voice at her and said do not tease my baby girl and and to stop that now. Yet she never apologised.

Gracesmum - mil lives 5 mins in the car and we now see her once every two weeks or once a week. I don't mind mil having long visits if they are planned so she can have time with my dd but its just her as a person I'm finding hard to spend time with.

Bubble22 Sat 13-Jul-13 18:11:26

Jeanie99 - no we are not living with mil (phew!)

I have joined a mothers group so may start opening up once I make some good friends

I do find it hard to like her. I'm trying to make sure I don't snap. I will work hard!

Today she came over and was playing with my dd and I said look at my dd chunky toes they are just like mine and i just laughed. I do love he chunky toes. Then mil said no I think dd looks like my daughter I'm like ehhh? So my dd looks like my sister in law.

I swear every time I see her she has to say my dd looks like someone else but me - maybe it's something I will never understand oh well.

I'm pleased I have posted as everyone's comments have been extremely useful and getting me on the right track.

Thanks everyone

j08 Sat 13-Jul-13 18:47:32

I called your post spiteful*Greatnan*. Believe me, that was nothing to what I actually had in mind.

Go ahead.

Tegan Sat 13-Jul-13 18:54:48

Please keep posting Bubble and let us know how you get on; sometimes we hear from people and then they never post again and no one knows what has happened to them. I think you need more confidence and you'll get it from talking to people on here. Good luck flowers.

whenim64 Sat 13-Jul-13 19:03:37

A mothers' group is a great idea. You can thrash out your issues with women in the same situation as you and compare notes. There's always someone who has dealt with the same thing, and people to socialise with when you need a break smile