Eldest Daughter problems, advice needed..

Agree, I don't think it normal either, but it's a one off [I hope?]it shows how stressed she is feeling, and of course you are as well.Now I am older and look back I can see how sibling rivalry affected my family. Children [even grown up ones] are forever trying to see if you love one of them more, do you give gifts to one of them etc. Groan, it's a minefield.However, she does need you to tell her that you love her very much, and there will be jealousy about the grandchild. Good luck.

I moved out when I was 19 to live in a shared flat with another girls as my parents lived at the back of back of beyond and getting to work was very difficult by 'bus. My Mum didn't speak to me for three days when I prepared to leave but I would never have spoken to her in those terms. I think she was upset that I was going but couldn't find the words to express that as we were not a touch-feely family.

I got married at 21 and DH and I managed to buy a small cottage for £1600 (!) which my Dad helped decorate and for which Mum made the curtains so I reckoned I was forgiven!

I think by 20 most chicks are ready to flap their wings and leave the nest and maybe that's at the heart of Optimista's DD1's clear unhappiness.

I think she - the older one, should be praised for not becoming pregant at 17. All this having babies even if they are so cute as they are at 12 weeks,was a mistake but its happened now. Stick up for your older daughter. She did not ask to be born but if you can still bring this resentment about her birth up to the surface after 20 years - something for which she is not guilty of, then it shows that part of the problem lies with YOU.

I feel sorry for her at 20 having a baby in the house and younger sister being praised for producing it. All this cooing and smiling at the new baby. She must be sick of it.
Stand back. Don't enter into any arguements, keep smiling and say 'Ok then' or something similar. And cut down on baby adoration in her presence.

I am with margaretX on this one. Yes it is great that your 17 years old and her partner have held the relationship together at such a terribly young age, but I feel for your 20 year old, She is working, paying her way, has her boyfriend to stay occasionally, and does not get pregnant. her younger sister is celebrated for having a baby before either of the parents are in a position to look after themselves financially or even emotionally and gets all the praise!

Oh Optimisticnana what a dreadful situation you find yourself in.

IMVHO I think it is your 17 year old daughter, her partner and their baby that should be looking for somewhere else to live. I was pregnant at 17 (not proud of the fact but I lived to tell the tale). I gave birth to my son at 18. There was no question of me staying in the family home and nor would I have wished to. I agree with what MargaretX said in an earlier post. You really should be showing disappointment towards your younger daughter for becoming pregnant so young. I too feel sorry for your 20 year old daughter.

I agree with mishap and some of the other posts.

She should not speak to you like that and if she is Daddy's girl could Dad have a quiet word and say he knows things are difficult but it's not acceptable to speak to her Mum like that. I hope other daughter and boyfriend are pulling their weight re chores and rent. Your daughter is probably feeling jealous but can't articulate that so it comes out as rudeness towards you.

She needs to know you love her and if you appreciate small things even just her doing the washing up.
I too think your other daughter, boyfriend and baby (who I'm sure is adorable) need to find their own place. Are they more likely to be offered somewhere, which would be better than your older daughter being the one to go.

My aunt once said to me that my mother's health was not good because it was 'your fault, she had such a terrible time when you were born'. Which upset me greatly (I was about 16 at the time) and upset my mum as well.

Tell her you still love her just as much, despite the new arrival. They say each baby brings its own love with it, so there is always enough to go round.

What a minefield - her world changed and she had no say in it, and hasn't had enough experience of life to be able to cope with it patiently. Too broke to be able to afford to move out of what must be quite a noisy household, and maybe not quite ready to move out, either.

Every time she gets upset, just tell her that you love her, as the others have said, and that you would do the same for her, but that you are dealing with it the best way you can but are very happy that she didn't get pregnant at such a young age.

When I was 20, I couldn't bear babies! Small noisy instruments of torture, so my hormones would definitely not have been interfered with. She, of course, may be different. Maybe she is slightly jealous.

Hi optim Families ay who'd have em...

I personally think that the best thing you can do is just
IGNORE HER

She is totally doing it for the attention.

Also the thing were she tones it down when Dad is around, when she is being dis respectful, you be twice as nice to her--believe me it works! she will be totally confused and stunned.

Once she learns that her tantrums are not attracting the attention any more, she will give it up.

I know it is not nice to think that your own daughter is such a spoiled individual, it is just the way it is sometimes and hopefully ignoring her will give her time and space to figure it all out for herself.

Retaliating by ignoring and treating her like a spoilt child is not a constructive way for these parents to act - it will exacerbate things, add to the conflict, rather than address them by telling her she is loved and appreciated, and must speak respectfully to her mum from now on. She's feeling excluded, whether she can help it or not, and it can soon be remedied. How lucky is that baby, having parents, auntie and grandparents on hand during his first few months?

when Usually I would wholeheartedly agree with you. however, I am sure that she has tried all of that but her daughter is still being un grateful and dis respectful. Some children can be un kind and jealous of their siblings, it is just in their nature. I have seen it in my own family, it really is destructive behavior.

Some sisters would have been happy for their sister, if she had good supportive parents when needed, however this daughter is acting like a jealous school girl and should really be offering some help rather than hindrance.

Just my opinion.

I think someone of twenty is quite old enough to just 'muck in' if she still wants to live in her parents' house and to stop being a pain in the arse. Family teamwork.

There is no excuse for telling your mother to F off at that age. None. Nada. Zilch. It is, simply, unacceptable.

Not sure how I'd deal with it myself but it would certainly include "a piece of my mind" and the laying down of civilised ground rules. I would also expect the support of her father and he'd get a piece of my mind too if that wasn't forthcoming. I can't imagine it wouldn't be though.

I totally agree with MargaretM

Or even MargaretX!

On reflection I also think that the young couple should find their own place to live. There are schemes for social housing for young people with babies. It may mean you 'evicting' them and the girl moving to a hostel for a while with the baby but they have chosen to lay down and make a baby and are now responsible for themselves and the child.

I think that the resentment would come from the older girl having to give up her room. Why couldn't the mother of the baby stay in her room with a crib and the boyfriend remain with his parents if possible. It does seem very unfair and I would probably have felt the same.

Sorry to sound harsh but she really does sound as if she needs some TLC and understanding of the situation which was none of her doing.

I'm with MargaretX, When and Flower on this one. I agree it isn't ok to tell your mum to F off, at any age frankly. I do feel for the older daughter though.

I messaged her this morning that I loved her and wanted to start afresh and we've agreed to talk tonight ... thanks, wish me luck.
With regards the youngest we made the best of what happened, her boyfriend stays so he can help with the baby or she'd be worn out.
They are planning to move out next year.. I will feel happier knowing they can cope...

Sounds like progress, optimistic. Good luck

I think you've both been hurting lately [I know whenever I went through a bad patch with my daughter I hurt inside terribly]. Perhaps, when you speak to her tonight it would be a good idea to start it off by asking her what she is 'feeling' [not that I'm an expert]; otherwise she might go straight into defensive mode. Good luck!

While I like most of us think F***off is inapppopriate, no, actually downright rude, I nevertheless have some sympathy for your DD. Why is she still living at home though? I would have thought most girls would want to be sharing a flat with a gang of others by the age of 20 or don't kids do that anymore? Our 3 were always welcome at home but once they had gone to university they only ever came back in the holidays and although they still had "their" rooma, basically never lived at home after the age of 18/19. I can sympathise with her because she is in the small bedroom, she had the sense (as she may well see it ) not to get pregnant, but here you are understandably besotted with a new baby and she feels she has got the rough end of the stick. Sibling rivalry does not stop once the "terrible twos" are past and I can see why she feels squeezed out. Quality time together might help and making her feel she is special of course , but it also sounds as if she is ready to fly the nest and perhaps needs a little help to do that without a big fall-out.

'Fuck off' is such a commonplace expression these days. It can even be said in a friendly jovial fashion and of course it is all over tv!

Good luck with tonight optimisticnana1.

I often think of something my mother said about thirty years ago when I was having a lot of comflict with my then teenage DD.

I was all worked up and asking mum what she thought I should do and she replied

'It's up to you to sort it out because you're the oldest'.

At the time I smiled, thinking that was a bit simplistic,, but her words have often come to mind since and the advice has stood me in good stead.

That's how I see it, too, Petallus. It's a bit of a bugger when you get to 65 and realise that you really are the oldest, but at least I can do what your mum did and give the same advice.

Things haven't quite worked out as I would have liked them. I waited up last night to talk but when she came in at 10.30 (with boyfriend) she was too tired and we agreed to talk after work. So I came straight home to sort things out. I was hoping we could arrange days we could go to the gym or for lunch together. As soon as she came downstairs I could tell she didn't want to talk to me, she was waving her hands saying I don't listen to her. So I said ok I'm here and won't speak I'll just listen but she said that she wasn't going to give a speech. I just said just talk and we can sort this that I love her but she stormed upstairs shouting. . I said if we dont sort this now I don't know what to do unless you want me to avoid you. To which she said yeah...
With the disrespect, rudeness and her not wanting to sort this out I see I have no choice for my own sanity I will keep out of her way and see if it blows over.
It either will or won't but I cannot keep going to try when her hostility shows she wants me as far away as I can go.
Thanks for all your advice but sometimes only time will help

Oh dear. Beginning to think she does need to grow up a bit . Keep your head down and come on here to let off steam [that works quite well;most of us have done it at one time or another!].

Thanks Tegan... I'm feeling a little sad that things are so cold between us at the moment but I'm not going to be spoken to like I'm worthless when all I want is for everyone to get along.
Maybe one day, think I might be on here letting off steam a lot in the next few weeks :'(