Eldest Daughter problems, advice needed..

Thanks...I'm trying....
Last night I hugged her before she went to her bf and said I love her. She said she loves me but wants me to listen. I've said I'm trying. ..
Watch this space

I've removed the restriction with her boyfriend staying, now he can stay whenever she wants him to. Trying to see everything from her point of view.
Thank you for all your advice, hopefully things will start improving if I keep looking at her point of view x

Good luck and remember you can always come here when you need to vent

Hi optimisticnana1 (good name) absolutely the right thing to do, keep telling her you love her. The saying that children need loving most when they are at their most unlovable remains true long beyond the terrible twos - my two are now well into their 30s. Our children have their own homes and live some distance from us. But much as our daughter was thrilled to become an aunt, she was worried about the changes in family relationships this would bring and several times, although it was said in a jokey manner, asked if I would still love her or would love her less.

We made a point of taking her out for a meal in the midst of the 'new baby euphoria' for some 'adult time' alone, and to talk about her life. More difficult for you as you live under one roof but it is so much more difficult for today's young adults to find a place of their own than it was for ours, economic times have changed dramatically. Try to keep your sanity in the midst of this, things will get better - and don't try too hard to change your DH - sounds similar to mine and they are assets in other ways! .

optimistic well done, I think you are doing all the right things now.
I hope things continue to improve, as it must be pretty busy in your house

I have had my ups and downs with my daughter who is now almost 50 but no matter what we are able to talk about it later.
Maybe you are short on a few boundaries like if they want to live here there must be boundaries.
Of course it would seem that she is jealous of her sister but that should be between the 2 of them not you. it maybe a long standing jealousy.
I sympathise with you because it is horrible to have cross ups with your children but it would seem it was time for her to move out or zip up.
Have you thought of having a family conference and where is your husband in all of this does he not put his foot down.
maybe if you all sat down together as a family to each taking turns to speak about what is upsetting them, not accusing others or being critical but trying to find a route through. It is scary but will make a difference.
Maybe you could find a family friend to act as an adjudicator?

Oh well done optimistic - it must be so hard for you but I am sure things are heading in the right direction.

I think it`s time your daughter had a taste of the real world.
It certainly is not not normal for a daughter to swear at her mother.
Respect works both ways. Talk to your husband and get him on your side.
He is obviously oblivious to what`s going on. Make him aware.
Sit down together, the three of you and make it clear that if she doesn`t change her ways, she will have to find somewhere else to live. How she does that is not your problem. Be very clear and mean what you say.
If she doesn`t comply, then pack all her things for her and leave them by the door for her to collect on the way out.
I know it may seem harsh, but she will find her way after all she has a boyfriend and probably could stay there. She probably wont think so at the time but you would be doing her a great favour and it would make her a better person, having to fend for herself.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Good Luck!

Sometimes you need to look at your own point of view as well .

I've read most of the post. has anyone suggested she spend more time with this daughter? One on one time together? both daughters need to feel special to there mum. My sister was jealous of me and it was because she felt my mum liked me more.Silly I know but emotions don't always make sense.