Do all women get fed up with their husband's 'stuff'?(long)

I think I'm with jingle on this one and I have to say I couldn't put up with it. When DH and I got together over 35 years ago he didn't know or want to know anything about housework his life was sport and music and the house was just a dormitory. I was brought up with Army (mother) and Navy (father) tidiness discipline - everything has a place and everything is in its place. I trained as a nurse and I added hygiene zeal to this so something had to give. These days DH does more housework than I do, all the ironing, gardening and DIY and keeps his stuff in the bedroom allocated to it. This was not achieved without some monumental rows early on and not without some of his stuff miraculously disappearing every time he left the house. It quite literally would have driven me made to live in a mess.

mad!

If you lie down someone will walk all over you!.
Stand up for yourself.

Shove a load of his stuff into a black bin bag and leave it outside the back door.
Tell him to move it or it goes to the tip, and make sure the threat is carried out!

He'll soon learn.

I live alone. I like men but I realise I couldn't live with one now.

Having said that I would probably drive most people mad. My sewing and crafting, although sorted, tidy and labelled (the bits not in use) are all over the house - in pretty units. I started to set up a craft room and decided one of the plusses about living alone is that I can have a craft house!

I have known some lovely men but give them house room ... no way.

We seem to be a generation caught between so many changes. Many did not work full time, did not build up their own pensions and had to do a lot of negotiating!

My son is (of course) the nearest thing to a perfect husband that I have seen as he has been well trained. He takes his turn with the cooking, cleaning and child care and they run their business together but he can still be annoying and do "man things" or joint things in a "man" way. I am sure his wife, the best DIL ever, annoys him by doing "women things" or doing things in a "women" way too. However, it seems to be very worth while to them thankfully. Often it is. Sometimes though it just isn't.

Lona, a true hoarder will never learn. He'll just find somewhere else to stash his stuff - garden shed, garage, the boot of his car...

There's a lot of issues going on here, quite a few of which I can relate to [especially as I'm also a hoarder]. As for the childrens rooms being taken over, when mine left home [my son did move back several times as the boomerang generation tend to, sometimes alone sometimes with his girlfriend] my daughter did point out that my house was 'a shrine to their childhood'; she would have been happy for their childhood stuff to be thrown out. At the same time when she saw that my partner [who only stays at weekends] had somehow left ten pairs of shoes in 'her' room she was pretty upset by it. My ex was an engineer and did DIY all the time; I still have a garage full of bike bits, lathes etc. But I never appreciated the fact that he could fix anything and everything until he'd gone. I did thank him once when he came round to sort the car out for me. 'I never thanked you for doing stuff like that, did I?' I said. He looked very sad and replied 'I'm an engineer; no one ever thanks us '. At the same time he never did any housework and created an awful mess whenever he did anything. I now get grumpy with the S.O. who loves shopping and cooking but wouldn't have a clue as to how to put a shelf up .Maybe you could do a list [I'm a great one for lists] with a problem and solution column and sit down with your husband and go through it with him?

Ana Just as well that I've not got one then!

The drawer in DH's bedside table is stuffed full of rubbish, as is the shelf underneath. The small table next to his fireside chair is staggering under the weight of fishing magazines.

He's nearly outgrown his shed so I've just bought another one. He's taking rather a long time to erect it though.

I have never believed that old chestnut 'a man doesn't see what needs done', of course he does and if he doesn't pull his weight, he is LAZY or he has a wife who runs around after him doing it all, letting him away with it!

A man like this? I would make his life unbearable!

Spot on jings

Ana, The clock performance a mystery to me and most of the family.

I suppose it's a form of symbiosis, merlot, and if it works for them...

If you lie down someone will walk all over you!.

I was once told, many years ago by a lovely gentleman at the Citizen's Advice Bureau, that if you are prepared to behave like a doormat, you shouldn't really be surprised when you are treated like one.

Depending on if you want to remain married (for whatever reasons are guiding you), state your needs clearly and calmly but letting your husband know that this can't go on.

I would strongly advise against just dumping any of his belongings - a friend of mine did that (after warning him that she would) and found that her husband retaliated by dumping a lot of her things. It could all get very unpleasant.

If you really can't live with it anymore, it maybe time to rethink your life with him regardless of other things.

It sounds to me as if his hoarding is beyond the usual level, sarahsweetshop . Have you ever seen any of the TV programmes 'The Hoarder Next Door, with the psychologist Stelios Kiosses?

He considers most extreme hoarding and your DH sounds as if has arrived at, or is close to, being an extreme hoarder, is a symptom of mental illness, often depression. The link for his site and the programme is: stelioskiosses.com/page21/page2/index.html .

The NHS also taking hoarding seriously and the following link may be helpful www.nhs.uk/Conditions/hoarding/Pages/Introduction.aspx

These posts have shown me that I am not alone! I feel better already.

In our house it's a case of "see a surface, put something on it" or "oh the floor has just been cleaned, I'll spill something on it'. I try to ignore all the niggles I really do because I'm sure I niggle DH too - although I think I'm pretty perfect really . There are times though when I just want to run away and play house on my own. I wonder if its because I'm an only child?

My DH is rubbish at housework - the trouble is, so am I . I don't have a regular domestic routine, but I do have a tipping point when I can't bear it any more. I do, however, get irritated when he opens a drawer looking for something then absent mindedly wanders off, leaving it open. It isn't because he expects me to close it or to clear up after him, he can only seem to focus on one thing at a time. Are men really from Mars and women from Venus?

Does anyone know a woman who hoards stuff like this?
At our present home we have loads of space - barns etc plus house - which is slowly being filled with Eddie's stuff. He buys things for me too that I don't really need - mostly cooking and gardening machines.
I worry that when we have to leave here ( or one of us dies) our poor kids are going to have to sort it all out. And dispose of most of it.

Yes; I'm a hoarder .

MiL is. They are downsizing soon. All their married life they have had to buy bigger and bigger houses to accommodate her various hobbies, more and more sheds. Now they can't cope with their huge house and garden, even with a gardener. FiL says that he is going to have to pay around £5000 a year just on a storage facilty because MiL gets tearful at the thought of parting with her stuff. She was teacher until she was 50 and she has kept every. single. item. that every child ever gave her - even though he can't remember who gave her what. A whol cabinet of photos from when she thought she might be a photographer. An industrial papermaker. More seeds than Kew have in their cold store. (never managed to get a decent garden going in her life) Dressmaking stuff. Art materials - she is a pretty good artist, but has kept every single sketch ever. At least a ton of pencils. 3000 books (she counted) left after they had a big cull and donated the rest to the local library. Hundreds of cookery books and implements but is incapable of cooking from scratch. Several sets of china, ditto of cutlery. Many millions of ancient towels, duvets and so on - in fact they have three lofts, one is filled with shelving units full of bedding.

They have freezers and fridges in their massive garages. When they pile so many ancient cars into the garage that they can no longer get to the freezers at the back, they add to the chaos by buying more fridges and freezers. Her FB page this week advertises three freezers for sale. How they will get them out I cannot imagine, but I suppose it's a start - however I wouldn't want to be the first to open the door as I know for a fact that no-one could get to one five xmasses ago and we had to go without the brandy sauce that she had made months previously!

As for old clothes - everything since the 80s, I think and a few from the 70s. They have at least 8 wardrobes.

FiL collects organs, of the playing variety. He is leaving one up in a loft as a surprise present for the next owner. No small item, this. He collects wooden puzzles of amazing intricacy, and jigsaws. And trains, and railways.

With them as role models, it's not surprising that I have had the odd spat with DBH. Our first row was over an old board game that no-one ever played but he refused to let me clear it out. It has never been touched, in the 20 years we have been together, along with half a dozen others.

I can't help but feel that the problems here are much deeper than the obvious. I'm sure we could all find things in our partners that annoy us from time to time. Most of us accept those annoyances and they do not become a problem as the good points outweigh the bad.

I beg you to try to find the positives in your relationship before you get too hung up on the negatives.

Sounds horrendous Janerowena, let's hope you don't have to clear it out. It was horrendous clearing out my stepmothers house which was crammed with stuff , I can't remember how many trips to the dump and charity shop we did. We did manage to get a charity to come and pick up loads of stuff as well. It took days of work. I am a chucker outer and my OH is a hoarder, but I manage by insisting that he keeps all his stuff in his area: the garage, shed or study. No storage of stuff allowed in bedrooms, kitchen, living room. Anything left lying around will be chucked out or put in the garage or study for him to store somewhere. That way I get a calm minimalist living environment and he can store as much rubbish as he can cram into his area. He has improved I must say and did mange to throw away his university notes ( 45 years old) and some ancient paperbacks recently which were yellowing and unreadable. I have my own ( spare) bedroom for my sewing machine, clothes and books which I keep suitably tidy and in order.

Janer, ANOTHER VIEWPOINT if they have all this stuff, might be worth some money .
You could put it on EBAY, when the time comes, as it will, as sure as night follows day.
Still that makes me sound quite mercenary,

My DH had to put up with my stuff and untidy habits, however when he cleared up, which wasn't often, it was a case of shove it all under the stairs or behind the sofa! At least I went through everything methodically and put things in their right places when I had a clear up! I would quite like to be surrounded by his stuff now. I have become quite organised and tidy since he died

Have a garage sale or take it to a boot sale.

No M oney in Car-boot sales , garage, or yard sales , the only people nowadays, who profit are dealers , who know what they are looking for !!

I have a friend whose DH cannot miss a "bargain" as a result they have 9 wheelbarrows, 1 conservatory- never put up. 3 greenhouses not put up and 1 that is, a campervan never used, a boat - since sold. Tons of china. a "spare" central heating boiler. I could go on and on. So ladies think yourselves lucky!!!