I have lurked on this thread over the past few days.
This has been my second Christmas without my dh. I was dreading Christmas again this year, although I had a meltdown on Christmas morning, ( I had taken myself off to the garden) I suddenly felt so alone although I had ds, dd and all the gc around me, I just wanted dh to hold me..... there in the garden appeared a robin and sat about 12 inches away from me on a branch did not move, I blubbed and talked to dh, mad I know but I felt he could hear me. I wiped my eyes and rejoined the family.
my 4 yr old gs, who we looked after on a daily basis often asks to watch one of the dvds we have with dh in.... this gives comfort to us all, as gs summed it up saying thats good I can remember grandads smile, voice, laugh etc it really keeps him alive in all of us.
I have found that after 20 months without dh I do have some fairly ok days, however sometimes the loss hits me really hard like the first day, the reason? Something minor, its like I am ready for the big things I know will upset me, anniversaries, birthdays, family get togethers etc etc. When it really hits me is silly things, a certain song on the radio, a film that dh liked, the lights fusing, or when I broke my tie 4 weeks ago, I just sat and cried for him, his sympathy and the fact that if ever I was unwell or sad he would make me a boiled egg, only thing he could do, and better than me! I so wanted him.
be kind to yourself, do things for you, make decisions for you, look to a future that whilst not ideal, is the best you can make it, know that dh would be pleased you are taking control again.
My gc, dc and I still talk to the moon and take comfort that in their eyes grandad is the Man in the Moon.
take care all fellow gns who have lost, or are slowly losing their beloved ohs. Cease the day and make happy memories, or remember the happy times.....eventually the happy memories appear more often than the sad ones.