Awful weekend.

You know your son best rubylady. You have posted at times about how kind and caring he can be. It seems he has his problems and you are his outlet for those. I know how hard it is and have posted about my son several times on here in the past.

Good advice to build your own life, tell him how much he hurts you when he speaks to you in this way, stay calm and trust that he will come through it in time. I know how very hard it can feel but try not to let it get to you. He has shown that he is capable of better things and he will grow up eventually. As much as any male ever does anyway

I still think you should speak to the tutor too.
Your son's not an adult, he's a 17 year-old boy who needs guidance.
He may be at college but presumably at his age, it's a sixth-form one.

Unless things have changed since my DCs were at school (the local comprehensive if anyone wants to know) there were regular parents evenings and the teachers welcomed input from parents at other times too.

Viewing this as a problem in the relationship rather than everything being down to the bad behaviour of your son might help matters. Maybe with a bit of joint therapy.

Speaking to your son's college would only make matters worse.

How do you think Ruby's son would react to the suggestion of joint therapy, Petallus?

Maybe Ruby on her own would be a better idea.

I know from my own experience that it can be very helpful to gain insight into how one's own behaviour is contributing to the situation.

Behaviour like this is completely unacceptable. But it will have a root cause, which to an adult might seem petty and blown out of all proportion.

The way forward might be to adopt a 'pick your battle' approach. Often with teenagers they do not see the relevance of some 'rules', such as a tidy room or having clean,ironed clothes.

Standing back and ignoring some behaviour (as long as it is safe behaviour) can give both parent and child some space.

It is a difficult time, the transition between the all encompassing parent of a child and the child learning to be an adult, standing on their own two feet.
it takes two to argue, sometimes stating your position and then walking away is required. Good luck, Im sure you'll come through it. x

ruby I'm sorry you've been so upset this weekend. You've had some very good advice on here, I agree that you should not allow him to treat you so badly.
I hesitate to put this, but is there any chance that he's been using cannabis or any other drug? This could be a possible explanation for his temper and bad behaviour.

I most certainly would not put up with behaviour like this and have never had my son's speak to me in such a manner,and they where not goody two shoes either just had respect for other people specially their parents,I would if I where you Ruby when he is calm and responsive speak to him as to how his behaviour is affecting you and in no uncertain terms tell him he is more than welcome to move out and the next time he starts his antic's open the front door and show him the way out and tell him not to come back until he knows how to respect you and keep to you actions do not relent in any way,he will soon get the message tough love works well in my estimation.

Or it can result in the teen having to live in the woods at the bottom of my garden, which has just happened in my village. The boy's mother left last summer and the father lost all desire to deal with a stroppy moody teen. He kicked him out. Various people have tried to help, but the father refuses to have him home. The boy, so my next door neighbour told me two days ago, is sleeping in a den by the river that all the village boys have made over the years. One friend took him to social services but that didn't work for some reason. So sad. He seems to have a few people he can go to for hot meals. I awoke in the night to hear a huge rumpus of chickens, turkeys and the wild geese. Apparently it was him trying to break into my neighbour's chicken house to find somewhere warm to sleep. He just wants to go home, but his father won't let him.

Hello I'm new to this forum and have scanned quickly through the messages and have to admit we raise our kids to be the way they are! Except in exceptional circumstances where it is not the parent's fault as to how they turn out.
I doted on my daughter, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, I drove her up to university last night stayed over in her room overnight as the weather was not conducive to late night driving and also because I was hanging on thinking I was needed but she has just ignored me, woken up this morning and gone to university, not even asked me if I wanted a up of tea which I cant do on my own here since the kitchen is for the students and I would feel awful in there on my own.
She is expecting me to unpack for her and then wait for her to return to take her food shopping.
Ive had enough I have been ignoring my husband forgetting his needs and now I am paying, I dknt know how to make things right, I fear i may have left it too late.

Ginette your DD is probably embarassed that her Mum is sleeping on her floor! Leave her some money for shopping if you like but go home and leave the girl to get on with it for heavens sake!

Ruby it's obvious that this situation can't continue, whatever it is that's causing your son's behaviour.

I don't think it wise to sit it out and accept his actions as part of growing-up, it'll all come right in the end and that he'll eventually come to his senses, etc.

If I'm correct, you have a serious cardiac illness and your son has psychological issues? (apologies if I've got that wrong) in which case you need to take control and seek professional help.

Yes, Ginette go home. You have helped her launch her boat onto the sea of life, now let her take the helm and steer it herself.

She doesn't need you to unpack for her, let's face it you will probably put everything into the wrong drawer. Same with shopping - leave her a list of "suggestions" for things you think will be essentials. She will find out for herself what to add to that list. She is going to have to shop for herself very soon, best to start the same as all the other fledgling students. Possibly buy milk tea bread and butter before you go and leave it for her.

Allow her to be the grown-up now. She will only be playing at houses for the first few weeks but practice makes perfect (well, as near as a student can get to perfection)

Leave a note to say that you don't want to take over her life, so you have left all her things to do with as she likes. You are going home now but will be delighted to hear from her how she is getting on, as soon as she can spare the time. Lots of love, Mum.

Then get on with YOUR life.

Ginette. Students often have people stay over. The uni my child was in let people stay over 3 days in 7.
You are perfectly entitled to use the student kitchen.

You may want to go home after though!

rubylady I noticed that the tone of your second posting was very different from your first.

Your first post started off: "I have cried, felt sad ....." and the feeling behind it is of great sadness.

Your second post is a very angry one: "We pussyfoot around our children far too much these days. I would not have dreamed of speaking to my parents in such a way. I would have had my mouth washed out long ago".

It sounds like your parents were pretty authoritarian and didn't display the "unconditional love" that absent talked about (I think some parents' love is not unconditional but dependent on what they perceive to be "good" behaviour.)

My feeling is that even when we try to do things differently from our parents, we can't entirely escape their values and practices. Perhaps you have been torn between trying to be more "liberal" with your own children and outwardly respond to your son's unkindness by falling into sadness and depression. However, what seems to lay beneath that sadness is the "wash your mouth out" anger of your parents.

Of course, it is very hurtful when children say really horrible things to us - and I expect most parents have experienced this at certain times in their children's lives. I know I have, and from other posts on here you can see that young people can say some devastatingly cruel things to their parents.

I think that rather than letting yourself become overwhelmed with sadness/anger - staying in bed, crying, etc., (which puts your son in a position of power over, but also responsibility for, your happiness - scary for a young person) it would be better - if you possibly can - to try and present a calm and unruffled surface (even though it is quite natural and understandable for you to be upset).

As others have said, you certainly should, when things have settled down, explain to your son that the things he says are very hurtful and it is not justifiable to speak to another human being in such a way.

As Mishap said, above all stay calm and get on with building new contacts and friendships in your own life. If you are in the habit of doing a lot for your son (cooking, laundry, etc), gradually withdraw from those tasks - and perhaps ask for his advice and help in dealing with practical/maintenance issues in the home.

Rubyladyis there anything in particular he is blaming you for? Something he feels is your fault, and he cannot cope with?

Sadly, I think it is not unusual for children now to be what would, in the old days have been called selfish and ungrateful. They are a privileged generation who have been allowed to think they can say and do what they like with little thought for others. Then again, to some extent, probably all teenagers are self obsessed and a little willful and it's not until you have your own children that you realise some of what your parents did for you.

For those who are suggesting contacting the college tutor - I think you have no idea how remote the universities are now and how they react to parents calling! We tried to get the university/ies to talk to us twice - once when our oldest had been home for the weekend (in her first term) and had gone back distraught and we couldn't contact her and we were worried. The second time was when the younger one was in her first term at Sussex and had been awake for virtually a week unable to sleep because of other students partying all night on the flat roof above her room, which was both not allowed and dangerous. We got very curt responses in both cases and although some slight action resulted, we were very much made to feel that we were nuisances, over-involved parents and they were now adults and no one was going to talk to us rather than them!

Given the situation you've described rubylady I am tempted to say tell him that if he speaks to you like that again, he can consider it notice to leave home and mean it. Then, be determined to live your own life. I've had some trouble with my children, especially the oldest who has said some things that I can still not, privately, forgive her for. Nevertheless, having spent far too much of my time feeling angry, vengeful and depressed, I've decided the best thing is to distance myself and get on with my own life in however many years I have left and to comfort myself with the thought that perhaps one day, she especially, will feel bad!

Actually annie I think you will find that ruby's son is not at University yet, he is at a college, presumably 6th form as he is considering going to Uni next year.

Ginette She is expecting me to unpack for her If there is some reason why she cannot unpack for herself perhaps one of the other students may be kind enough to help her sort herself out. I am sure they will all muck in together to help if she is unable to do it.

The only time DD2 seemed to need help was cleaning her room before leaving at the end of the year

rubylady you are understandably very upset, but because you have been crying about this and spent the weekend in bed your son now has control of the situation. You need to get the balance back in the relationship somehow.
If you can get out and about and start joining groups, making friends and making a life for yourself you will be responsible for your own happiness and in control of your life.

janea There was not find much in the way of communication, help or pastoral care when my children got to sixth form.

Perhaps the school my children went to was extra caring then Rose because they identified a problem for us and brought it to our attention and then thanks to a joint effort, the person concerned got back on track

Not all are as caring, janea; some seem to think that by the 6th form they should be behaving as responsible adults!

How awful for you ruby. My DD and myself have had our differences especially when she was in her teens but she never said anything so hurtful. Sometimes if people are upset/hurt/angry they hit out, usually at the people who love them most. Like Ginette says above, I have also run around after my DD when she was younger, pandering to her every whim etc only to be treated appallingly. Things are better now. I hope you sort this out.