Awful weekend.

I agree with Eloethan-very sensible.

Ive had enough I have been ignoring my husband forgetting his needs and now I am paying, I dknt know how to make things right, I fear i may have left it too late.

Not too late. It is always a danger to be 'devoted' to the detriment of your DH when you have them for such a short time and then get decades (hopefully) with just DH. It is hugely cloying to the children as they get older.
The way to put it right is to let go a bit-a train back to university would be fine in poor weather.

I think OP needs to get busy with her own life.

Ginette - just let her go!

could be two other factors...girlf who could be needy and him needing to show her she's the most important woman in his life ( not that that's an excuse, just a hidden morive perhaps given his failure to show other way); ex? if girlf has met ex, who knows what disinfo is passed on. Houng women can be terribky prurient and self-righteous

Its dawning on me that I need to let go. But as she is my only daughter its so hard.

Oh I know it is hard - but she does not need Mum around all the time now! Develop your own interests and be there in the background for when she needs you, as she most certainly will, but not as much. Let her go with a good grace, making sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her, and she will drift back to you ready to develop a new sort of relationship with you.

I have done this 3 times with 3 girls and remember the wrench when the last one ventured forth. But I was working part time, running choirs and other arts projects and these filled my life and kept the pangs at bay. And she felt freer knowing I was not at home pining.

This is the moment when you really start to have an adult to adult relationship - when she starts to know that you are not going to do everything for her and solve all her problems; and when you can watch her begin to find her own way and blossom as an adult. This new relationship will not instantly drop into place but will develop gradually over time - and it will be just as precious as the relationship you had with her before - just different.

Let her go to get her back!

Go home and get your life back Ginette - you've spent years being a mother to your only child (?) or is it your only daughter and it's time to let her go. She needs her freedom and if you give it to her she'll be able to grow into a woman and you'll have a better relationship eventually.

It is very different for Ruby dealing with a grumpy teenager at home. She still has to live with his moods and mouth. If he is planning to go to University this year then he has exams, probably 'A' levels, to sit so he will be under stress and he will need support to get through these.

Ruby you need to sit down with him. Explain that you both need to work together to create an environment conducive to study and that it is in both your interests that he passes these exams and takes up his place at Uni.

Teenagers are more likely to act out of self interest than through any desire to please parents.

Ginette baby birds only learn to fly when mum gently persuades them (or pushes them) out of the nest.
Think ahead a few years.
Do you want to see an educated independent young woman making her way in the world of work?
Would you prefer to have a needy daughter who has to rely on you to carry out the most basic of tasks?
Let her get on with it. She should do her own shopping and learn to budget.
She should do her own laundry and wreck a few sweaters!
She should organise her own wardrobe and discover that clean clothing doesn't magically reappear in drawers, courtesy of the laundry fairy!
I've been through this 3 times and have worked out the difference between9 pandering and supporting.
Let her get on with her life while you get on with your own grown-up concerns.
Tough love plus change of focus?

The thought of unpacking for an adult daughter shocks me to the core. I took my GD to uni some years ago and I'm 100% sure that she wouldn't have allowed me near her suitcases, though occasionally I helped her out with a bit of shopping and a free lunch. Please, Ginette, let her grow up. She will be grateful for it in the end and you may have a friend instead of a dependant.

We saw our 2 boys ( at different times ) into their rooms, dumped the cases and said goodbye! Each had a large tin of home made cookies, as ice breakers with fellow students.
She'll be fine and so will you. x

I haven't packed or unpacked for mine since they were about 14yrs.
You give them roots and give them wings. If you do it well they come back because they want to spend time with you.
In case of rubylady I would take Anya's advice.

Is this a modern generation thing ? are we raising little drama queens that need mummy to hold their hands ? I was working at 16 and left home on the eve of my 18th birthday. My mother waved me off on the doorstep and from that day on I was on my own. DD was transported to university, case and boxes deposited on floor and goodbyes said. DS was exactly the same except I think I made his bed for him. I expected them, as adults, to be in charge of their lives from then on. If you dance to their tune you are making a rod for your own back.

Thankyou Mishap and Anya sound advice but I cant seem to pull myself together. Its so lonely. Im off work at the moment so the loneliness is horrendous. I have to let my girl go she has so much to look forward to, is it really wrong I'm so envious. She has her whole life to look forward to and I don't know how I will be when she goes to America in her last year with the intention of staying I will crumble.
I'm so grateful for this outlet as I'm sat here with the TV on for background noise and still really feeling hopeless.

I hear all of you. I suppose I am holding on to her because she's only just started university its because I allowed this relationship to become the way it is as I have no family, lost friends due to spending ALL my time with her. My husband is not supportive at all he has stopped speaking to her since just before Christmas because she has a boyfriend! He did this a few months ago and then they had a chat one day in the car going to a wedding and she was elated. He's resorted to his old ways again being pig headed and in the process doesn't speak to me as I support them.
So this is much more than just her leaving for university. Its about no family, no support network and the empty void in my life. I was one of six children brought up and lived in Africa only moved to the UK in 1995 and my daughter was born in 1996 and I had to bring her up on my own. Ive always had people around me, until September when my daughter left. I worked and rushed home to be with her. We did a lot of things together so now that's stopped I feel bereft.
Does anyone understand my predicament?

I do understand. Making this difficult transition from being the centre if someone's life to being on the periphery is very hard. I think many of us would identify with that. There is no doubt that a bit of shakiness in a marriage relationship can make this all the harder, as what you are left with seems less than satisfactory.

Maybe you could rethink this. It looks all gloom and doom to you at this moment, but you may be able to look upon it as an opportunity to develop and expand your life as an individual rather than as a wife or mother. If you are short on money and cannot afford to do some of the things you might like, you could look at volunteering - it is a brilliant way of meeting new people and recovering a purpose in your life. Only you can fill this "empty void" that you speak of, and to do that you will have to gird up your loins, pick yourself up and make up your mind to do it. And I suspect that it will help your DD to see you out there making a new life for yourself as she will jot feel responsible for your happiness - and you will have something interesting to talk to her about when you see her, instead of just picking up the washing!

This is a new phase of your life, one which many of us on here have adapted to, and it is an opportunity for you as well as a loss. Latch on to that positive aspect of it and make a new life for yourself.

Mishap is right about finding your own life again.
I have boys and girls. All now flown. Some are no longer in the country. They are enjoying themsleves immensely.
You need to take joy in seeing your daughter enjoying her own life.

You now need to think about you. And your husband.
Have a look in the papers. See if there are any things that spark your interest.
It is a transition time. Transition is always difficult.
Google about this time.

Mummy birds can still fly!

Of course 'mummy birds' can still fly!
Stop seeing it as the end of things and instead see it as a beginning. You are free to follow your own interests and in doing so you will find that you have a much better relationship with your DD- having a mother reliant on you is a heavy responsibility.

Your DH sounds very controlling- maybe this holds you back?

Sorry- it seems to have hijacked OP- but it is still relevant. Rubylady needs her own life and an honest discussion with her son on living together in harmony.

Ginette you're suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome and it is horrible, but believe us when we say it gets easier. My two started Uni at the same time and I thought my world had ended. Within a year I was glad to see the back of thrm when they went back to Uni!!! Honest. Love them to death but two weeks back home and I was climbing the walls.

I appreciate all your advice but when you are right in the middle of the situation its hard, I hope I can count on your advice and support and write my feelings without judgement I really need the support right now as I stand alone, its not a nice time in my life. I am just grateful for this outlet. I know there is a liggt at the end of this tunnel just this tunnel is never ending at the moment, please be patient with me, I have never been this low.

(((Hugs)))

Thanks Anya Hugs to you too xx