Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

When we found out ES was going to be a dad again I calculated the baby would be due this month so was rather confused when DS said the baby was due round about Christmas, hence the invite to Aus.

Well we found out today, via a member of our staff, via face book that he has arrived and wait for it, was born on Monday 16th November SO was born on my DH's, his grand dad's birthdayor maybeor even; not sure what to feel, how to react butdefinitely comes in to it and I've shed more than a few tears.

So there you have it. We know his name but no other details and knowing his name is all we need really for his Christmas and bday cards.

November 16th; DH's birthday, Yogagirl's sad anniversary and our second, never to be known grand son's birthday. And to think the odds of that little baby being born on his grand dad's birthday were 365 to 1.

Downton is great, only 1 more episode to go, oh apart from the Christmas special of course.

So sorry about Aiden's birthday Rhinestone. Oh dear, not being equipped to handle family is frighteningly familiar.

It all feels a bit weird to be honest. I thought it wouldn't matter but it does; that I wouldn't care but I do and that I'd be able to cope. Well the sky hasn't fallen in, I'm not crying (at the moment) and I'm still here so all things considered ..........

Smileless wish I could give you,huge hugs sending them anyway. Please be kind and if you want to cry do, I was in total bits when found out about Daisy, mainly shock and disbelief, she was about 6 months when an old school friend told me in supermarket !

Being prewarned is less of shock but still s and it will hurt I wish it didn't.

Omg fancy being born same day as dh birthday ! Wow.

You,are ahead of us we do t know date of youngest Lola only know name as Tor wanted speak to her dad 2 years ago when he went try build bridge. S I law was having none of it.

Thinking of you smileless and try focus on that lovely son in oz you going to for Xmas but give yourself time to let shock sink in.
God bless you and bring us all peace of mind xxxx

God smileless unbelievable! Your new grandson born on his granddad's birthday! How does Mr. smileless feel about that? It's quite incredible! Congratulations & how sad to also have to say commissarations as well and you were here for the birth too! Do you think baby came early? I'm lost for words, what to say to you, apart from we feel your pain & just wish God would sort this sorry mess out for us all. Happy times turned into unhappy ones, and for what!?! Big {{{Hugs}}}
Rhinestone sorry to hear about your husband, same thing as smileless in Oz. Sorry you've not seen your dear GS yet, his old is he?
How awful to hear about your forthcoming GD in the supermarket Celebgran Big {{{hugs}}} to you too

When I had my C, my biggest joy was seeing my mum&dad with them, seeing all that love between grandparents & grandchildren was heaven. I just cannot believe our offspring don't have a moment (or two) of sadness at not presenting their new baby to their mum & dad, with pride and knowing how much their mum & dad will love their children! This hasn't happened to me, initially I dreaded the thought of hearing my EstD was having another baby, but 3yrs on I feel I wouldn't care now, but as you have said smileless when it actually happens........!

Hi yogagirl was even worse she was already 6 months old! I refused to believe Tor could be so cruel then found out via Facebook and. My son was one of most upsetting times of my life I just could t stop crying.

I survived but as you say what waste of what could be such happy times for us all.

I pray still but someone up there not listening !

Found out about 3rd one from store where she is pharmacist told us she on maternity leave, the tears just come and Gra has take me home.

Yesterday I met old friend for lunch afterwards wandered in marks, felt choked again as they had musical tins biscuits penguin shaped, in old days would got it straight away penguins were Tor s thing.

I didn't cry but had bit of a vent with dear husband when got in.

THATS tough for you yogagirl no oh to vent on!

Enough gloom we got keep strong. All have lots look forward to.

I hope and pray your son will contact you smileless xxx

OMG Smileless what a surprise! I want to congratulate you but also cry for you at the same time. I'm sure your ES thought of the coincidence having a child born the same day as his dad. And every year he will always think of it even if it's only for a second. You can't help but to know.
Yogagirl is right. I too had the joy of having children and watching my parents and my grandparents playing with them and kissing and hugging them. Celebgran said it all. What a waste of time crying when it could be a happy time for us all. It's even worse to find out these things from other people. I remember the joy I felt telling my parents they were going to be grandparents

Aiden turned five on the 18th. They posted a picture of another cake my EDIL made him. I'm surprised they haven't blocked my daughter from FB seeing as they didn't care enough to invite her and her family to Aiden's party. I am going to the therapist today but at this point what more can she say? We have done everything we could to
Talk to them and clear the air. But the cowards do t want confrontation.
I had a horrible day yesterday crying and such. I'm better this morning but still want to say angry things to them and tell them what spoiled, ungrateful, entitled brats they are to do this. I'm sure all our EC feel powerful now and in control. I too pray but everyone's sleeping.

Thank you dear friends, yesterday was so strange I'm glad it's over.

I 'phoned DS in Aus. yesterday and he said he hadn't told us because we'd said back in May that we didn't want him telling us anything about his brother and family so was trying to respect our wishes. He has a point of course but it would have been better to have read it in an email from him, or would it?. I suppose it wouldn't have mattered how we'd heard the news unless of course ES had told us himself but then again hell hasn't frozen over yet has it.

When we learned she was pregnant I'd calculated the baby would be born this month and said to Mr. Smileless wouldn't it be weird if the baby was born on your birthday. He loves that reference to him Yogagirl, made himwhen I told him. So I was more than a little confused when DS suggested we go to Aus. for Christmas because that was when the baby was due; perhaps maths isn't his strong point; no, if my memory serves me right it isn't. So he wasn't born early bless him, but what a day to come into the world.

Oh I did that today Celebgran, went out for the day with a dear friend and was looking at all of the lovely things we could have bought for our grand children.

I remember how happy, proud and excited we were when our boys' grandparents were going to meet them for the first time. How thankful we were for the emotional and practical support and advice we received, well not always for the advice but the help and support were greatly received and I never lost site of the fact that the advice was always well intended.

Her parents are no longer together and her mum isn't in the best of health so any practical support will probably be thin on the ground. With his brother in Aus. and having cut off the rest of his family, there'll be no support there either.

DS 'phoned this morning to make sure we were both OK. Thank God for him, his lovely wife, Mr. Smileless, family and friends and for all of you. Life goes on, and in that regard I've booked our flights for next October when we'll go to Florida for the entire month.

Yesterday was awful, today a little better and tomorrow is another day.

for you all.

Thank god for your nice son smileless sooooo hard for me tonunderstand let alone you why on Earth it has to be this way.

Well done for being posiitve, we have 10 days in la palma booked for April, and cruise for September, plus 3 weekends, and today booked another couple shows at theatre we love in Colchester, only way is keep posiitve.

Good idea month away next October but oh dear we will miss you, you normally connect.

All seems bad news lately and November is no fun so here's mfor us all. Been bit naughty ref Maltesers last night and dear little box milk tray they doing the £1 ones I. Iceland sometimes chocolate is necessary!
Just eaten delish beef casserole and dumplings (tho say so myself) Rosie now barking in hope of leftovers., naughty girl

Good evening all. Xx

Went to the therapist today and she told me that she thought my ESS was narcissistic and that narcissistic people do not think about consequences of their actions. She told me to go out and live my life.it would be easy to do that if I didn't think and analyze all the time.
So my cousin tells me about her friend who has been estranged for many years with her son. The friend presently has cancer and NOW the son has come around . My cousin thinks this is fabulous and all I can think of is the time wasted with his father before he became ill. Who wants to become sick in order to see our children?

Totally agree rhinestone tend to think sxx email they don't want to know you when you well !?

Good advice from your therapist but is damn hard to follow.

We trying step back as bel mooney advised but none really tells how to stop thinking of them and being hurt over so many bittersweet memories, and must admit envious of other families and mother daughter in my case closeness that we once had. It is impossible to remove it totally from your mind and I doubt they can either.

Our children have turned what would have been Heaven into Hell!!
Daisy was 6mnths Celebgran when you heard, yes terrible for you
I'm now into my 4th year of estrangement, the pain doesn't lessen, just the sharp edge fall away a little. My poor little Laila, no real family in her life, I absolutely loved and adored her & she me, same with little Jack. I fear for Laila, not being with her folk that really love her. Her stepdad is nasty & wants his son to come first before Laila, that's part of the reason we were cut out, as he perceived she was getting the most attention & love from us. Sorry waffling again
Do hope your feeling a bit better today smileless after your shock You have your Xmas holiday in Oz to look forwqard to with your lovely Son :-)
Rhinestone your dear little GS was 5 how lovely, your edil no doubt wanted your D to see his cake and then tell 6you all about it I think the best therapy is here with us, as no one understands more than those in the same sad boat :'(
Must dash ND & baby coming over and then we are going for lunch by the sea :-) ND is feeling rather tired so I said we will come back here and she can jump in my bed and get some sleep. Baby's here! Just given her a cuddle :-) mum feeding her now and then out we go to the seaside :-)
well it is Friday ;-)

Yogagirl you put that soo well.

My hairdresser said to me yesterday bless her (done mynhairnover 10 years)that she there for me but like rest of friends she can't understand the hell I am going through she thinks my daughter is a disgrace and I have to agree. Claire knows all we did for her.

You sadly spot on yogagirl the edges smooth off but pain is endless.

It just flares us up having photo but as a dear friend said we can cherish it.
However it does remind us of all we missed over this 7'years of hell.
Still we have rebuilt our lives.

On bright note give that little babe cuddle from me yogagirl,
And enjoy,

We have visit from dear little Danika and her lovely mum yesterday they lift our spirits.

Edgy day (computer problems etc)followed but we had good night out with good friends so life goes on and can be v good! We danced night away live music we heard before v v good.

Is cold wet here today Gra gone work we got f Sinatra tribute tonight but I am staying cosy today ! Happy weekend all.

Delurking. Dgs's birthday approaching, but debating if there's even a point in sending anything. DD and her ultra-controlling DP will either send it back or bin it without giving it to him. DD has cut herself off from everyone in our entire family now and almost all of her friends. We used to be so close, just the two of us. I have two dcs at home, much younger than her, and she wants nothing to do with them and has said some dreadful things about them. I've all but given up that I'll have a relationship with dgs at this point, as she is determined to lock family out of her life. Her choice, obviously, but it is sad.

Hello heavenknows

Sorry you've been cut off like us
I used to send my GC cards for birthdays, Xmas & Easter, but they would be posted back through my letter box all ripped up :'( They have now moved, still just 5mins away, but I have no add, so i put their cards in their gift sacks, and put money in an account I opened for them. So keep sending cards to your GS but not to your D. I write a little letter to both in the cards.
SNOWING! Well it was this morning, good job I've my yoga to teach, other wise I think I would hibernate
I had a bad nights sleep last night thinking about my EstD &GC, woke thinking about them too :'(
Nice to near Danika lifts your spirits Celebgran. My ND&baby do the same for me, but once they've gone :'( :'(
Have to go as Hudle on go slow
Hope you're OK smileless

Afternoon ladies and welcome heavenknows;I wonder if heaven does know why our children turned out to be so beastly because we certainly have no idea do we. I post cards for our grandson's birthday and at Christmas. I always buy 2 so I have one for his memory box and will do the same for his baby brother. It's irrelevant to me what they do with them, what matters is that I send them

There was an 8 day old baby in Tesco's yesterday crying. It's such a distinctive sound isn't it, you always know when the baby's just a few days old by the sound of their cry. Well it cut in to me like a knife and I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I just can't stop thinking about him; what he looks like, smells like and feels like to cuddle and kiss. I'm sure my fixation will wear off eventually, I'm just hoping it'll be sooner rather than later.

Oh dear, oh well there's nothing I can do about it is there.

We've had all sorts of weather here today already; snow, sleet, rain and strong winds but at last there's someto enjoy, until the sun goes down.

Enjoy your weekend everyone. I don't have to go out at all, apart from walking to dogs, so I think I'll hibernate Yogagirl, if only for a couple of days.

I thought about sending a card, but not sure I would deal well with having it returned. My dcs at home ask to see dd and dgs, but I have to keep making excuses, as I can hardly tell dcs that dd doesn't like them and wants nothing to do with them. They'd be devastated.

DD has been deliberately nasty, but I've tried to shield them from it. Unfortunately even if she decides in future that she wants a relationship with us as a family, there will have to be some firm ground rules set.

Think it must be something internal, instinctive, a biological pull of nature, grandmother for her grandchild smileless I really hope my EstD doesn't have another child, if our senses take over and therefore more pain :'(

If only "ground rules set" heavenknows ! How long have you been estranged from your D & does she live near?

We got 8 inches of snow yesterday so I cancelled where I was going and stayed home. ( Can't wait to get to Florida) But my roses were still blooming.
Friday was my EDIL's birthday. We did not send a card. But my ESS posted on FB that she was his love, his soulmate and partner in crime. Well I would definitely say " partner in crime is correct." How she could tell me in an email that her boys deserve better because my DH is the only grandfather and he had only seen the boys a handful of times in eight months. That's correct. We initiated seven visits because both my in laws died six months apart and my mom was in the hospital three times in that time period. We were care taking. But they had ten weeks off from teaching. And yet EDIL says they have no time to visit. Where was their compassion ? We had two homes to clean out and one to sell three hours away. No help from them. No concern for my DH after losing two parents. No visits from them that summer. We live forty minutes away. It was doable. And they are mad because we called them out on their behavior. Again our children think they can say and do what they want without consequences for their actions. But if we say something they don't like..... they cut you off.
Heavenknows- I haven't been on here long at all but this site has brought me comfort knowing I'm not alone. Hope we can help.

I think you must be right Yogagirl that there's an instinctive pull because this little boy is the child of my child so perhaps our senses do take over.

I feel as if I've been climbing an emotional mountain for the last 3 years and just as I was about to reach the summit, there's another one to climb. Those old feelings and physical responses have come back; I don't want to live here, I want to move away, waking up with a headache and that horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

All of those when I awoke this morning but then we skyped DS in Aus. and I felt much better. We had such a laugh with him and a 2.5 hour talk, it was great. Knowing that 4 weeks today we'll be with him and our lovely d.i.l. for Christmas gives us something wonderful to look forward too.

I've climbed one mountain so should be able to climb another, I just hope it doesn't take as long. Never having seen or held him should I think make it a little easier.

Yogagirl We spoke some about 6 months ago, but she was quite rude and nasty and refused to allow me to see dgs. She lives in the same town as I do and works on the High Street, although not in a shop that I frequent.

"Ground rules" as in if she does decide to reopen communication, I am not going to just roll over and allow her to be nasty and awful to her siblings. They're young children and disabled, and she has decided that they aren't really disabled, but just badly behaved and has criticised my parenting over it, saying they need to be disciplined much more harshly. She was NOT disciplined harshly at all growing up, but she moaned that I let them get away with things she would never have gotten away with. They go to two different paediatricians and there is no question there are disabilities, so I find her attitude quite offensive. I've tried to explain their disabilities to her, but she's not interested in facts.

I honestly now understand when my ex's mum says to me "I didn't raise him to behave that way..." because I feel the same way about DD "I didn't raise her to behave that way." Makes me feel old.

I'll point out that DD was already 20 and had dgs when my next younger child was born, so she was not pushed aside to make room for another child or ignored growing up due to the needs of a disabled sibling. It was just the two of us up until she was 18 and when she moved to attend University.

Oh smilless I think wherever you. Move the pain comes too
Is hard to live so near to your estranged son I reckon though of course.

I am o. Bit of a low, somehow we both are, time of year.

We definite no co tact this xmas though.

Managed quick chat to my dear son today but he still sounds rough full catarrgh. On 2nd lot antibiotics back dr again next week.

Feel bit more positive about Xmas we will take champagnes crackers, and have been asked make mince pies that's fine.

Was great fri night had good old dance.

Today went to carvery with friends as had bad experience at pub we normally meet them at. To our shock they went to carvery while I was at loo, we both thought how rude, so,didn't go that well normally we enjoy seeing. Them, got Xmas meal with them in 2 weeks. Hope that goes better!
Maybe bit sensitive at moment but we did think that rude.
Sorry heaven knows that you have problems with your daughter do hope it resolves soon.

Smileless is hard so glad you got to skype your. Ns and it made you laugh,
We will survive.
Yogagirl hope was lunch and cuddles with little one
Night. Night all xx

Sorry you are feeling understandable down Smileless You've lived in that house a long time & love it, your brother & mum nearby, I think if you sold up and moved you would miss it all and remember they put their house up for sale last year, so you could move, only for your estS to move just after, your nasty dil would no doubt think that a 'job well done' causing you all that heartache! Thank God for Skype & NS :-)
Sounds like your EstD is jealous of her siblings heavenknows is their father the same as hers? With 'ground rules' I was thinking more on the lines of actually getting to the point of being back in their lives to make them!
You do get about a lot Celebgran dancing lifts the spirits for sure, I love my double dance class on a Monday :-)
Rhinestone you did the right thing in not sending a card to your dil, they are really being unkind to your husband, hope he manages to sort it out quickly, as the longer it goes on the harder it will be to resolve!