Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

Well today is my EstD 26th birthday. It should be a day of celebrations, instead it's a sad day, I really miss her :'( I just hope she thinks of us today and misses all the fuss we always made of her, lovely cards & presents, all the buntings up, out for a lovely meal or a party at home. Her nasty husband doesn't believe in cards or celebrations! I remember when it was my darling Laila's 2nd birthday, I went round and there was no bunting, cards or presents, you would never have known it was her birthday, till I got there with it all and then my ND came with P&C too. My EstD said they would celebrate when it was Jacks birthday, which was 12days away!! I'm hoping it was all on hold till nasty got home, that way we wouldn't be part of it, just his family (not related to my Laila, just stepfamily)
I had a special bond with my daughter Jenni-Ann, as I de!ivered her myself, on my own!, which I think gave us a special connection, we were telepathic on many an occasion. I remember her trying to get through to the doctors for days without success, on third day I phoned the doctors to try and make the appointment for her, finally getting through, the receptionist said to me " you'll never guess whose on the other line, it's your daughter!"

Yogagirl I wondered about jealousy, but I've always made sure to have time for her. If I asked her if she wanted to get together, she always had some excuse that she couldn't. It's not like I didn't try. She stated at one point that she resented dgs as she had to give up her "freedom" for him, but there's not a lot I can do about that. She chose to have him, and we were there for her - she lived with us the first 3-4 years of his life. It's like she resents having to be an adult, and honestly, I can't say I have a lot of patience for that. I've not just come out and said "grow up" but I have stopped her when she was being horrible and told her that it's not appropriate behaviour for an adult. She says and does things now that she would never have done as a teenager. I miss her, but I don't miss the dreadful attitude.

I think I've just come to the realisation that there's nothing I can do about this. She knows my phone number, she knows where I live, she knows I will be there for her, but that I expect her to act like an adult and not be horrible to people. I guess it's just wait and see now.

Still not sure what to do regarding dgs's birthday. I've got a couple weeks to decide at least.

heavenknows send your little GS his birthday present & card, he must miss you a lot if he lived with you for 3-4yrs, he must wonder where you are :'( As for your EstD; no reward for her cruelty to you and her Son your GS. Good luck

Oh yes heavenknows do send a card. Whether our cruel and bitter children like it or not, we are grandparents to their children and sending, at the very least, cards for their bdays and Christmas is what grandparents do so to hell with what they want.

I shall be putting 3 cards in the post before we go to Aus. one for each of our grandchildren for Christmas and a bday card for our first; he'll be 4 in January and as I always do, I'll buy 2 of each so there's one for their memory boxes.

A difficult day for you today Yogagirl. It's still hard to accept that days that you used to bring so much joy now bring only heart ache. I remember how thrilled we were when our first GC was born, we were over theand even received 'congratulations on being grandparents' cards; no cards this time though. When it's ES's bday I remember how beautiful he was and how much I loved him and then I think of what he's done and continues to do and wonder if I ever really knew him at all.

It's good to know that you're keeping yourself busy Celebgran, that we're all getting on with our lives as best we can. If I could just stop thinking about that little baby, 1 week old today.

Morning all I made fool of myself at dr yesterday fist of all. Y bp was sky nigh with nurse am due to me and Gra having upset over trivia as usual.

Then had appt last night about medication tried explain lft low since seeing photo of mollie dr was so kind I just started crying! couldn't stop then oh dear. He gave. E sedative take for 5days hope it helps, then go back may need antidepressants I tried explain been 7 years and do t want take tablets but I was too tearful so was hard, oh hell. So we. Issued folk da ci f was horrid day apart from lunch out and Gra bought me flowers but he was reason I was so stressed! Men.

Got client today and acquacise must get go gin take Gra work firsts.
birthdays are so hard yogagirl
smileless hard for you too we all going through it.

*Smileless*my heart breaks that you can't see your DGC. And for the rest of us. How about sending your ES a congratulatory card? Will you be doing that? Can you reach out again and write something in the card " a new baby , a new life" and " let's start anew " ?
**Heavenknows **I agree about sending the card. We decided not to send any more gifts as we don't know if they are really telling them who it's from or not. So we wrote in our GS card that we wanted to take him to get a gift. I don't know what to do about Xmas gifts though.
Celebgran" it makes me mad why these doctors throw around antidepressants all the time. Your depression is situational not clinical. Maybe talking to a professional is a better idea. Mine has helped me.
Why we have no legal right to see our GC is
ridiculous. Here if you were a part of your GC lives and one of the parents has died or divorced, a grandparent can petition the court to see their GC. But if your child cuts you out of their life then it's okay with the courts even if the GC lived with you.
Makes no sense to me.
YogagirlI feel your pain about your ED birthday. Both my ES and ESS have birthdays next month on the same day.
My therapist told me to send a card only because I really want to not out of obligation. I will let my DH take care of his son . Even though my ES didn't call or send me a card on mine I will probably send him one.

Oh dear Celebgran & smileless . We keep telling ourselves we are getting better at handling the alienation, but our hearts just keep on hurting :'(
I've just written to my !local MP, asking if anything can be done in parliament, especially as I'm being kept from my beloved GC by stepfamily! There really needs to be a bill to stop this cruel & needless alienation, after all, we are not wanting to see the alienator, just our beloved GC :'(
I did feel very sad yesterday, on my baby daughter's birthday, we would have had such a laugh talking about her unusual entry into the world!

Rhinestone our posts crossed. I agree with you about antidepressant, i take St.Johns Wort, which is a natural mood enhancer and it does take the edge off. My S.i.L controls my daughter with antidepressant, pumps her full so she can't think straight Another birthday coincidence; your S & SS on the same day
Please don't take offence wheñ I talk about stepfamily, I'm referring only to my granddaughters, I do know some stepfamilies are very loving & nice to all family and extended. Good idea about smileless sending the card with those words, nothing ventured! My GC's Xmas gifts will be money in their bank accounts I opened for them & cards in their gifts sack, these are gifts I bought them on the first Xmas and birthdays after being cut out :'( :'(

* Yogagirl*Well I'm certainly not offended because it's my stepsons kids I have been talking about. I have known my stepson since he was fourteen and now he's forty three. Do you tell the GC where his gift money is?
We are opening an account also but haven't told them yet. So far we have just asked to take our Aiden to get a gift.
It has been explained to me that each state makes its own laws concerning grandparents rights. And that it is hard to enforce these strange to parent grandparent right because it's a he said, she said type of thing. No concrete divorce or death. Imagine that! You have more rights as a grandparent if one of the parents died or gets divorced. Yet the parent is the one in power even if they are mentally ill .. They are still in charge. What a world
!
I'm having a lunch with an old friend who lives out of town. She has eleven grandkids and some are step but they all let her see the kids. I have heard her being angry with her children and yet none of them dont talk to her. My DH didn't have an argument with his son yet we are cut out . It was after my husbands and my visit to the grandkids that my DH was ignored all evening by his son. I exchanged emails with his wife the next day about her husband's behavior and that's when she told me her children deserved a better grandfather.

Hi everyone

Just joined today, reading through some of the posts that interest me and found this thread. I was amazed to see so many other grandparents who are in a similar position to me. Our family was torn apart 5 years ago when our divorced daughter met a new partner. She wanted a new life - one which did not include any of her family. She moved away and broke off all contact with us. We are not allowed to know her address or where she is working. I won't bore you by attempting to stress what a close family we were - but believe me, we really were like sisters. She broke our hearts.
I'm fortunate in that we have since repaired our relationship with our ex son in law who makes sure that we still see our grandchildren when he has them. Family occasions still include them but our daughter is not there. I still send her birthday/Christmas cards etc but I have to admit that I send them so that I have a clear conscience. We have found a way to live with the situation but I am sure that if we weren't allowed to see our grandchildren I would have gone crazy. My heart goes out to you all who aren't as lucky as I am in that respect. The months before we were contacted by our ex son in law were a living nightmare and we will be eternally grateful to him for doing the right thing for our grandchildren.
I hope the future holds something better for you all - I really do.

Hi skyartist and welcome. I have been on this thread with some of these wonderful ladies for more than 3 years now. I go on a couple of other sites too and it still amazes me how many are facing the same predicament and the depths some children will go too to torture their own parents. Thank God for your ex s.i.l., to think you'd have lost contact with your grandchildren if not for his intervention. It's frightening isn't it to know that a former s.i.l. can have more care and compassion for his ex in laws than their own children; what does that say about our children.

Dear Celeb I'm so sorry that you're struggling but don't feel that you made a fool of yourself because you cried. It's much better letting it out then trying to keep it all bottled up. Mr. Smileless and I have had a couple of near misses since hearing about grandson no. 2 that we wont be allowed to see. It's difficult sometimes trying to keep emotions under control and not take it out on each other.

Thanks Rhinestone but sending a card just isn't an option. The last time we attempted to make contact with him (18 months ago) we received such an awful email that, well I still can't believe what he wrote. The day we found out about the new baby, Mr. S. said he wanted to read it again so I said 'well read it aloud' but after a couple of pages I just couldn't stand anymore, it's so vile, so he started to read it to himself but after a few moments couldn't stand anymore either.

To be honest, at this point in time I can't think of anything worse than having any kind of involvement with him. Most of the time if I think about him I just feel numb, a nothingness. If I do experience any kind of emotion it's anger. He's not the person I knew, he's turned into someone I don't understand and don't want to know.

He almost destroyed us and our marriage. He tried to come between us and his brother and there was a brief and terrifying time when we thought he might succeed. I don't want his anger and bitterness in my life. It's taken all of my strength, courage and faith to get this far and I don't think I have enough left to cope, if he came back and then did it again.

Thanks smileless and and for you too I think is harder as you so close but I know when Emma old school friend of Tor told us about Daisy I was I. Total bits, it could not believe it ca. thill re ember the shock and deep deep sorrow what did I do that deserved such cruelty. Thing is we didn't evd. Know when or if girl or boy until that next x as she sent a card to her godmother with name on. I was I. Bits again, meanwhile we sent catholic priest round with presents in hope of getting information he reported back was a girl and I we t over and peeped I window saw photo o. Window cill felt like criminal.

Well on Brighter note have done my client manicure and pedicure red with y gold glitter on big Toe and index finger look good! She Gave me £5 tip good to feel appreciated.

Well sedative taking effect so off bed going see gypsy in London tomorrow Rosie off to Joan's bless.

Smileless your son emails sound like my Tor letter fkk from solicitor it was totally vile and insulted my character where did the hatred come from nothing I would not have done for her.

Sleep well all x

Rhinestone I opened an Issue for my GC that matures when their 18yrs, can't tell them about their acc's as no contact what so ever. Yes, seems to me it's the good kind grandparents that are cut out!
Skyartist welcome. So sorry to hear about how cruel your D is being, it's just not something we can get our heads round, I just don't know how cutting off their birth family ,especially their mums, can bring them happiness! You are immensely lucky to have such a kind and considerate ex si.L who makes sure you still see your beloved GC. I'm sure you'll be internally grateful to him, wish he was my S.i.L one for you and one for your wonderful s.i.l

smileless yes it is awful how it effects the whole family, as you know nasty sil took my Son from me by using the "your my brother" tact. My ND said it's because Jenni-Ann (EstD) always said he was my golden boy, so they knew it would kill me a little bit more to take him too, but I really love my C equally, or I did. I remember how badly this effected my ND, one day she was driving to work and she started crying so much she had to turn around and came to me really distraught, strangely my EstD mil was driving on the other side of the rd and saw my ND turn ! I'm on another FB forum with 1,600 members, all in the same sad boat, I find it overwhelming at times ,all the terrible sad stories, some of actual suicides!

Celebgran that was good of your priest to go round to your D, i asked my vicar to help, the one that married my EstD &sil, but he wouldn't, as they no longer went to his church. I used to hire his church hall for my yoga, so knew him quite well.
and for all you'll have to wait till the weekend for some

Predictatxt ßorry about the typeos!

Welcome to Skyartist and I am happy for you that you have an X S.I.L that has a heart. Lucky for you.
YogagirlIt does effect the whole family. Lately my DH and I are bickering terribly. I'm mad all the time and he's mad all the time and taking it out on each other. I wanted to leave earlier for Florida and he said no and when asked why he said he didn't know.
It's a bad time of the year with the EGC birthdays and both our boys birthdays coming up around the holidays.
I wonder if my ESS tells his kids that we sent a card or even if what we wrote inside was read.
SmilelessMy heart continues to break for you and your husband and especially them living so close to you. My Es turned into his father ranting and raving and being unreasonable. Mentally ill perhaps?
I lived next door to a boy growing up who married, had a falling out with his parents about his wedding and never spoke to them the rest of their lives. At one point both he and his parents were at the same funeral and were encouraged to mend ways with each other and both were stubborn. His sister sided with the parents. Well both parents died and his sister became ill with cancer. He was encouraged by friends to call the sister and he did. They were going to meet but the sister died before they could. And it was too late to make amends.
His children never met their grand parents nor his sister. From what I hear he has tremendous guilt about his sister. I don't know about his feelings for his parents.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel worse. I'm saying this because I'm still going to try with my son. I have nothing to lose. If he thinks its harassment to send cards then so be it. Husband can do what he wants with his children. If my ES sends me a nasty note I don't have to be nasty back but so far it's just me doing the talking while the kids ignore. But they wilI still be reading. I will try this for the next year and then see how I feel then.
By the way.. where can I find the other site for estranged loved ones?

You must do whatever feels right Rhinestone. That's what's so wonderful about this thread, there is so much understanding to be found here. Even if one of us makes a decision that others would not make, there's no criticism just love and support.

OMG Yogagirl 1600and accounts of suicide. I was thinking today about last spring, when he'd left her and we went to see him. Despite all that he'd already done and the awful things he'd said we were there for him and then about 2 weeks later he went back. No message, no 'thanks for being there but if I'm to make a go of my marriage I can't have anything to do with you'; nothing. That would have been something wouldn't it but nothing. Then just a couple of weeks later Mr. S. has a heart attack scare and again, nothing.

Sorry, but I shouldn't think for a moment that the GC who've been taken from us know that we send them cards and that we love them. That would require our EC to have the courage of their convictions and our ES is a coward. I used to be so proud of him and now I'm ashamed and embarrassed that he is our son.

like the sound of that manicure Celebpleased she gave you a tip, it's nice to be appreciated. Mr. S. said to me the other day "you keep a beautiful home"; he often says so and it always makes mewhen he does.

Sorry but couldn't wait until the weekend for aso am enjoying one now while Mr. S. cooks our dinner. All is right with the world, well as right as it's ever going to be. Only a week since we found out about our 2nd GC. Just bracing myself for the first time I see them pushing him around the village but 'better the devil you know'.

Have a good evening everyone; stay strong and take care.

Oh smileless and . It made. Mum stomach lurch to read that about seeing the new little one being pushed round.

We been bit strained after Monday and the high bp a d me breaking Down at doctors, I als lts wonder about writing to tell Tor but Colette waste time as of course she doesn't care about us at all.

NICE TO see new ladies but they too have upsets.

Still we try and be upbeat too.

Yogagirl I asked the priest he didn't really want to help to be honest, it was t our local one he r.i.p. sadly died last year he offered to help but didn't do anything when I was desperate to find out info, the priest at kesgrave was quite cold about it he saw us in a cold office was t very kind but agreed deliver presents and told us about Daisy.

He said he could f get involved had to be careful with little one s and he felt the love that went I to the gifts Tor should realise how much we cared he didn't feel we could do more. We were bit disappointed but at least he went, gosh vicar was t going to put himself out then !

Snow was v good we home now!

In my book all our children are cowards if they can't have a conversation with us.
Where did they learn to run away from problems?
Gee Smileless it's very apparent that your EDIL is at the root of all this if your son stops talking to you when they are back together. What lies is she telling him? But yet you said that he left her. Well it's been my experience with many people that it will happen again. Maybe not now but there will come a point when he will decide it's better to leave than stay. During those two weeks did you see him often?
Do you have any idea what he may be mad about? Maybe you said it in past posts before I got here.
Today is our Thanksgiving and I am making the dinner. I am sad that my daughter will be with her husband's family, don't know anything, of course about Es or ESS. But at least I can be thankful for my daughter and her two children being in my lives. Mom has bipolar disorder and my brother has paranoia, anxiety , and depression so I hope it all goes well. I sometimes wonder if my son inherited these disorders.
Friday is what the retailers here call Black Friday. It's a day I stay away from shopping but there are people lined up outside stores to get bargains for the holidays at the wee hours of the morning. Not me. I'm actually having a lunch with my friend that works in the same school as my ESS. That should be interesting.
Take care all

Oh yes, Black Friday; we seem to have inherited that from our American cousins and after some of the footage broadcast after last year's fiasco I'm surprised that it's being repeated and fully understand why you're keeping clear of the shops. It's not the queuing outside the night before that gets me, it's the way some people behave once they get inside, you'd think they were fighting for survival not for bargains.

We only saw him the once Rhinestone and he just oozed self pity, anger and bitterness. I think he's mad because we didn't grovel, beg and plead to be able to see them and our grandson. He's mad because we wouldn't apologise for the things we've been accused of doing and saying that we've never done and said. Above all I think he's mad that we've abandoned him to his fate, to the life he's chosen with her. He wanted 'space' so we gave it to him; he wanted to be left alone so we've left him alone.

You have an awful lot to contend with, I do hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and all goes well with your mum and brother.

Sorry that you and your DH are finding things a bit of a strain at the moment Celeb. It's strange how this situation affects us. I feel really tired, and have done since we found out. Perhaps it's the sheer effort that's required just to keep going day in, day out when all you want to do is stay in bed.

I bumped into a lady who used to live next door to her parents for several years. She said 'I hear they've had another baby' so I replied 'apparently so'. She looked taken aback so I gave her a brief account of what had happened and after saying how awful it was and how sorry she was she said 'so, she's a psycho like her mother'; 'oh no' I replied, 'she's far worse than that'.

Poor thing looked quite stunned when I left. Her daughter was with her and said 'how awful; I couldn't bare it if I didn't see you mum'. I remembered a text message ES sent me once, totally out of the blue; 'I love you mum and don't know what I'd do without you'. Those were the days.

Really fed up lost. MY post!

Rhinestone good idea enjoy lunch and forget shops and Black Friday

We did get extra £30 off London show and stay next march late birthday great for Graham.

We ok smileless it is just me really got so down since seeing mollie picture beginning perk up now booking stuff etc.
today really enjoyed acquacise it was quiter and swam 14 lengths this week,

Guess what we went to ballroom lessons this evening , very good and small class lots help which we need, couple friends came with us.
Life goes on and. Feeling. More positive, determined not to take anti de
Resents, no tablet will help with sadness over losing Tor and the little ones,

I think. My blip is receding!

We finally giving Tor what she wants smileless no contact not even for little ones this Xmas lets see if that makes her happy.

NIGHT NIGHT all x

Well it was a nice Thanksgiving dinner with DH, mom and brother. Moms meds make her anxious but I am hoping she will get used to them and it will stop.
Had lunch with my friend that works with ESS. She said she asked him if Aiden had a birthday party and he said yes. He knows we are good friends. Apparently he tells everyone at school that he's so stressed out but doesn't say why. She said it disgusts her to look at him when she knows what he's doing to us. She thinks DH should stop by his house when vacation comes this month. I talked to DH about it and he reminded how it didn't turn out well for me with my ES. Besides the kids would be home and cause a stir if they saw their grandpa if they remember him.
*CelebgranI have noticed that when we give our children what they ask for they still are mad. They want to be left alone and then they get angry when we do.
Well *Smileless I*think you got your answer. Like mother like daughter. If he left her once it will happen again. Then he will be back for your support. It won't get easier being with her with two children now.
Sure wish DH would take ballroom lessons with me. We took some fifteen years ago but he's not from the dancers like I am. Bummer!! I need some fun and working out at the gym is not much fun but it does help me forget.

Dear Celeb, Rhinestone's right, if we try to get in touch they don't like it and if we 'give them space' they accuse us of abandoning themso basically, it makes no difference what we do or don't do, what we say of don't say SO I do what I want (which is only sending bday and Christmas cards to our GC) and I don't give a .... what they think.

I'm assuming that your receding blip is a good thing Celeb; hope so or I'm going to feel rather silly about it. Mr. S. and I tried ball room dancing lessons several years ago but we weren't very good, it was really hard and our teacher said one of the problems we had was I wouldn't follow Mr. S.'s lead. He thought that was wonderful as he insists I'm like that about everything; well I am a bit, well quite a lot but not about everything.

Oh dear I need to snap out of this. I'm not weepy or feeling particularly down in the dumps just a bit tired but the most frustrating thing is I just can't be bothered to do anything. I've been putting off little jobs all week which means they all need doing today and ..... I just can't be bothered.

Have a good weekend everyone. Are you seeing that beautiful little grand daughter Yogagirl? if you are give her a cuddle and a kiss from me.

Aagh rhinestone my,dh is not that rhythmic bless him but we determined try master basic waltz and quickstep maybe?!

Had call from my son this morning it sure does cheer me up!

Only quickie but checking on my health since taking sedatives,Last one tonight, missed last night as had few drinks! Was quite fun at rock n roll dave (singer) evening and we took Tor godparents.

Today agatha Christie play at local theatre.
Awkward as Mutual friends seem bit strange with us had fall out with their daughter on f book should kept quiet I know still they going be there tonight visited us about 6 weeks ago and emailed to say they v busy with daughter unwell and sick mother mmmmm. Who cares but hate excuses we are lucky with reasonable amount of friends don't. Need ones like that, know. Her for over 40 years too !

WELL quick rest and get on with chores
Good weekend all is cold here in frinton