Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

Footnote
My S.i.L also snorts cocaine, I've never seen him do that, but ND told me. He never smoked Skunk in my house only at the top of the garden, I didn't feel it my place to say anything. At the hight of the troubles, a policeman came round and said "your s.i.L would for sure get your D on drugs as it makes him feel better about him doing it and also he has a drugs buddy" The policeman also said, regarding my D cutting herself off from us that "It will never be the same again!" I remember his words as I thought "Oh, it will" 3+yrs done the line I know he was right Makes me wonder if he was talking from personal experience.

OMG YogagirlSkunk is much more potent than regular marijuana. And to use cocaine also? Why would your daughter be okay with that do you think? Do you think she would do drugs with him?
Does his family know about it? That could explain a whole lot of estrangement. If they are doing drugs together and especially if that policeman knew, that would not be a healthy environment for children and certainly a reason to remove the children from the home and place them with a relative. The policeman is right. Getting her to do drugs with him makes it okay in his mind. I'm so sorry because I know what drink and prescription drugs are doing to my son in law. My daughter is ready to divorce if he doesn't get sober.
He has been having blackouts . That's not good . It takes a strong person to give the ultimatum and if your daughter is not doing drugs she may not be okay with it but afraid to give him an ultimatum. I'm so very sorry.

SmilelessYou may not want to move but to stay when Mr. S retires. Wouldn't that be torturous for your son? To always have to be on the look out for his parents? From what you have said previously about your ES and his wife, they can't be very happy even though they are back together. Another baby won't help that but it may add to the stress of their marriage even more. And when they do part again he will look for support again from you. It's just a matter of time.

Rhinestone My s.i.L makes no secret of his drug taking, his mother is àn alcoholic, they both have the same personality disorder, large part being pathological lying!

. I'm feeling upset today, just been reading through emails, so upsetting to read. Just been in contact with the courts, wanting to check if there had been a home visit from Cafcass, but confirmed only telephone interview, from court case for visitation. I wanted to know for sure, as I know they would lie and say there had been. So I now have from the courts "No home visit was ordered'. I'm now all upset as had to go through all the paper work again :'(

Oh Yogagirlthat must have been very upsetting and difficult, if there had been a home visit would you have been able to see a copy of any report that was made?

I do think it must be harder for them living so close than it is for us Rhinestone and can't really imagine just how hard because goodness knows it's bad enough for us. If he were to look to us at some point in the future for support I'm not sure what we could do for him anyway.

That policeman was right when he said 'it'll never be the same again' Yogagirl, it wont, it can't be. So much damage has been done already. The years we've missed of our grand children's lives an never be given back to us, the cruel things they've said can never be unsaid and try as we may, we'll never be able to forget them.

Have you ever had something that was really precious, like an ornament for example that got broken and you repaired it and even though no one else could see the repair, every time you looked at it that's all you saw, I can't help but think that's what it would be like for me if we ever tried to repair our relationship with our ES. The biggest problem of all would be the lack of trust; how could we ever trust him again. When someone does the unthinkable, something you'd never have believed them capable of, isn't it more likely that they could do it again.

Where's all this coming from, well Mr. S. left the package on the door step but unknown to me emailed ES to say he'd done so and got a reply today thanking him for doing so and apologising (I think he'd said sorry) for not replying earlier as he'd only just got the email. Mr. S. just said there was an email for ES and not knowing he'd emailed him, well I was totally[tchshocked].

Now, it's the first 'polite' message we've had in 18 months but I got no comfort from it, I felt panic stricken. I worry that Mr. S. is tinkering with a pandora's box and no good can come from it. I'm afraid, it's as if the fear that he might one day want to come back is greater than the pain of knowing that he wont.

Smileless, is that because you feel it's fleeting? That any moment he could turn cold and nasty again?

Or because you're not sure what it means? Maybe you feel he was polite because it was a package he was expecting and not something you and DH were trying to give him or your GC? Are you afraid that if you brought over a gift of your own, you would be back to receiving the same old negative responses?

Or have you adjusted enough that having him come back into your lives would be disruptive?Are you worried he and DIL would bring with them too much drama? Is that why you're "panic stricken?"

Whatever, please remember it's just one polite reply and try not to look beyond that or read too much into it. I think you'll feel better that way.

smileless it must feel good to have got a nice reply from your Son, even though it doesn't mean anything. If my estD came back, yes you would be waiting for it to happen again, but this time there would be no running after her at all, i would make sure that my GC would know thàt when they reach a certain age they can visit their nan & auntie without their mums permission, anyone know what age that would be? I did get a copy of the Cafcass report from their telephone interview, it was so packed with lies, every statement! He even said that when he booted her out of their family home during their big argument & she came and stayed with me, that it was in fact on doctors orders for her to get some rest with her mum looking after her I just wanted to be absolutely certain it had just been a telephone visit, not a home visit, which it was.

Posted as Hudle on go slow, so closed a few things hoping it would speed up, I swapped my BB provided on the 7th so could be that settling in
When I renewed my will last week, I put a clause in explaining why my EstD & estS were not inherit, even if we were to be reconciled in the future!

Sorry Yogagirlbut are you looking for reports about home visits from the court to your ED's home? I may have missed some previous information. What a pain having to do paperwork all over again.
Smileless Your analogy is spot on. I told my DH the other day that after ten months of this nastiness I'm only concerned about seeing the boys. I don't care to be involved in my stepson or his wife's lives anymore. Even if we reconciled I would NEVER trust either one of them again nor would I care if my DD never spoke to them. ( imagine them telling my DD that they didn't invite her to Aiden's birthday because they didn't want her to have to keep a secret from us)
It will never be the same again. You can feel sorry for them that they have chosen this path but none of us have to run back into their arms because they are willing to speak to us.
I'm happy for you Smilessthat your son was polite but you probably feel like you don't trust him on one hand and on the other you are questioning whether is is changing. It's so difficult to figure all this out.

Hello everyone,

Reading your stories has helped me a little with what I am going through right now.

My son and his wife live roughly 200 miles from me. My son is late forties, his wife just forty. They are both high fliers, live life at a million miles an hour, and always seemed very happy with each other, and with that lifestyle. I was delighted for them. I have some health problems, which means travelling alone is not possible. I still saw them fairly regularly though, my son probably more so, and they came away on holidays with me. From the beginning, I felt that my son's wife held something of herself back. I have two sons, and the three of us have always been very close, particularly since I was widowed some years ago. At first, I think I over compensated with her, buying gifts, hoping for a mum/daughter relationship. Finally, I accepted that it wasn't to be, and we settled into what I thought was a comfortable relationship.

To my - and their - absolute delight, they had the most gorgeous little girl, who is now two years old. I have seen her just twice, the last time when she was nine months old. During both those visits, it became glaringly obvious that my daughter-in-law resented my even asking to hold her, let alone help feed or change her. I just put it down to new mum stuff, and didn't show how hurt I was. This was over a year ago, and every time an arrangement has been made since, she has made an excuse to cancel. This means that I haven't seen my son either.

However, she has now decided that she is not comfortable coming to my home any more, and a recent birthday celebration - mine - was cancelled because she apparently said the only way she would come is if they stayed in an hotel, and I could visit briefly. I have a large family home, huge garden for the little one to play, and also have spent a lot of money to buy all the things they said she would need when she first came to stay, as well as more toys than Hamley's. I asked if she or her parents would accept my son taking the little one to stay elsewhere whilst she visited them. Needless to say, I didn't get an answer.

She is from another country, although still within the EU, and it appears that she only wants the little one to know her family, and their culture. They spend weeks at a time there, and will be there through Christmas and the New Year.

I am beyond heartbreak, as is my son. I have told him that I will not make a fuss, or do anything to cause him unhappiness, or put more pressure on him. It breaks my heart though, because he seems so lost. We are in constant contact, but of course, it feels like I have lost him too. I miss him.

Sorry for the epistle, but I just needed to get it out.

Gabrielle8, it is awful the way you have been treated. It seems as if your daughter in law controls everything including your son and is probably envious that your son thinks so much of you. He must be heartbroken for the way you are treated. Eventually all this will come to a head.I cannot see a way out except perhaps appeal to her better nature as a mother, have you written to her and to say you have missed her and your grandchild. I am sure she knows that already but it must be worth a try. I very much hope that the situation gets better for you and if it doesn't that you do not make yourself ill worrying, I know how it can take over your whole life. I am glad you have another son to support you. Wishing you all the very best for the future.

Gabriell8

My heart goes out to you but you are not alone. This sort of behaviour by daughter in laws is not uncommon, even by those of the same culture as their husbands.

You have not lost your son. He has remained in contact with you because he loves you. He is 'in the middle'. Stay strong and remember that.

I have no solution for you except to say that so many grans on here have gone through the same or a similar experience.

Welcome Gabrielle, as much as I know you will always find support and compassion on this thread, it always grieves me to know there is yet another parent/grandmother missing her child and grandchild.

I very much doubt your d.i.l.'s behaviour is due to her coming from another culture but everything to do with her jealousy of the relationship you have with her husband, your son.

It is beyond reason that you've been unable to see your grand daughter for a year and 3 months. It's great that you're in constant contact with your son as many of us on here have no contact with our children who've married nasty and controlling wives/husbands but what I fail to understand, and I'm thinking of my own son when I say this, is why do our sons or daughters enable their partners to do what they do, because they are enabling them and they are wrong to do so.

No doubt I'll be criticised for that, and told that it's a wives/husbands duty and responsibility to stand by their wife/husband but not when they're doing is wrong. Often during our life time we are faced with a decision; do we do the easy thing or the right thing, why? because it's often so much harder to do the right thing and our ES in taking the 'easy' option has done just about the worse thing he could have ever done.

You do still have your son but I understand why you feel as if you've lost him because in a way you have, but regular contact with him is hope and you need to try to hold on to that.

I came on earlier today and had almost finished my post when my laptop decided to close itself down so it could update itself, whatever that means, and I lost my postit was rather long so if I put it on the end of this one this is going to be really, really long so I think I'll wait until tomorrow but in the meantime thanks for your post Wendysue very insightful of you, have we ever met.

Apart from this post being far too long, it's getting late and I've had a pretty crap bad day which probably explains why Mr. S. and I are in the same room, not really talking, he's plugged into his eye pad wearing headphones and I'm on here listening to the new Cold Play album which is FAB and couldn't give a .... Rather listen to Chris Martin any way.

Gabriel my heart goes out to you and it does seem so unkind, please keep good lines open with your son and try not to criticise his wife hard that it is, I feel we may have gone wrong there as my husband made it clear he was t happy at how s I law looked after our daughter.

I can imagine how hurtful to get things ready to be told that they preferred hotel that is so rude.

Bit tired so hope got that right I can't scroll back on here

Smileless so sorry you had bad day and here's some
I spend yesterday lazing and felt bit better today we sent rest cards, support group small private one o go on we all sent each other cards this year been good. Amazing the wonderful friendship to come out of tragedy, I sadly do feel its tragic losing my only daughter and 3 little ones,

Yogagirl wow your s I law is more of a liar than mine I do believe.

Yes smileless it is easier to do the wrong thing often than stand up and fight for the right thing.

Few tears today shame as we went out for lunch and turned out be nice one as wether spoons kitchen closed to we upped it a notch, then chose lovley watch for dear husband Xmas out of my meagreness earnings!
He chose me one too, plus a rather nice red handbag to add to collection!

Then saw photo on my f book of Danika as angel, I didn't know it was her playgroup and I just cried as I wasn't to see my own little ones ! It is hard isn't it.

Had phone call tomorrow ref cbt therapy to see if I am eligible on nhs,
Also going back to have few more blond hilites put in pleased with cut and rest but felt bit dark on top inhave red, dk brown blond and different med brown base, my poor hairdresser is brilliant bless her.
She I if fitting me in tomorrow will report back.

You can gather Gabriel we chat about all sorts on here not us sadness.

Off watch few soaps now! God bless all.

Sorry yogsgirl forgot to say and is so hard going through sad a paperwork I bought storage box and put most unpleasant stuff ie letter Tor wrote to cut us out of her life, z2nd class stamp and all! And letter via solicitor assassinating my character. The kind of stuff it hurts like hell to look at. Also the police involvement and out complaint to them etc etc.

Wow no I would never ever trust her again and I doubt she would be able l face me after all she has done to me.

The door is always open and I would try to rise above it as she will always be my daughter and I will always love her.

Glad you found 'our page' Gabrielle and have a!ready got some good advise & understanding
You do make me laugh smileless
Celebgran stop handing out all that we have to wait till Friday
It's hard isn't it Celebgran after all our estC have done to us and as much as we try to hate them, we still love them and would do anything to hold them in our arms again. I went to a garden centre yesterday, all the Xmas things and the Xmas music playing, I had to stop myself from crying :'( All this grieving, for all these years and for no reason, nothing we have done or said :'( I think of my poor little Laila growing up without her real family around her, no family stories, only things from her stepfamily, which would mean nothing to her, my EstD would not be able to talk about or share stories from her family under the circumstances and of course same for you C&S :'(

Sorry yogsgirl trust me to be in hurry for

We must try not to dwell on thread stuff, but is hard agree.

In my case it probably was,spmething I said but I am sure I don't deserve such cruelty no one does.
Off hairdresser so better get dressed for more glam blonde hilites to be added!

Have good day all. Our dancing class tonight

I meant dwell on sad stuff

Welcome Gabrielle. You will find much support here. I remember my mother being mad at my father's mother because she would call him up and ask him to come over and fix something. My mother thought my grandmother was taking my father away from her. She was jealous and in later years confessed to me that she was wrong.
So I definitely think it's jealousy. It's great that your son has gone over to the " dark side"with her and is in contact with you.
My suggestion is that you kill her with kindness. Maybe when they come to visit you can do a girls thing of lunch and shopping and let your son stay with your GD. You get more bees with honey.
Show her that you are interested in her not just your son and GC. You have nothing to lose and maybe she won't feel so threatened.

Thank you everyone for your understanding.

I am very aware that I am lucky to still have the loving relationship that I've always had with my son. In fact, I worry more about how this situation is affecting him than me, which is why I keep re-assuring him that I won't be making waves. Sad though it is, I have not been allowed to develop any relationship with my granddaughter, so I try to take the view that what I've never had, I won't miss. It makes me cry to read about those of you who have had your grandchildren in your lives for years, then had them snatched away.

As far as killing my daughter-in-law with kindness is concerned, believe me the kindness I've shown her over the past ten years should have seen her off by now! For birthdays and Christmas I have bought all the designer stuff that she is so fond of, totally funded several foreign holidays, and turned my home upside down to make her welcome. Which makes it all the more confusing that she has suddenly developed this attitude. Also, as she has no intention of ever coming here again, she has effectively put an end to any hope of changing anything.

I am still acquainting myself with all your back stories, and they are unbelievably sad. I have lived a very full life, been round the block a few times as the saying goes, but I never realised there were people who could so easily rip others lives apart, with such viciousness and cruelty.

Lately, I'm believing a lot in Karma, and that people get what they deserve eventually.....Gabby.x.

We did that for our d.i.l. too Gabby, much good it did us. Yes killing our d.i.l. sounds like a good ideaoops, should I have put killing our d.i.l. with kindness, nope shan't, can't, wont ever be doing that but seriously it's different for you because you still have contact with your son and long may that continue.

Ooooh don't be mean Yogagirl,do we really have to wait until Friday for our;are you sure, can't I have some tonight for making you laugh?

If only that were true, that you don't miss what you've never had but you do. We hardly got to know our grandson in his first 8 months but still miss him terribly. We haven't laid eyes on the babe but still miss him. Maybe we're missing what we could have had, should have had in our lives.

I'm sure we all think as you do, we "never realised there were people who could so easily rip others lives apart, with such viciousness and cruelty" and for those of us who are on the receiving end of such treatment from our own children, well it's quite simply unbelievable.

I think you should seriously consider changing your user name to Glamgran Celeb what with your fab manicures and lovely hair do's I think that would be most appropriate.

I know thatis at the root of our troubles Rhinestone and it seems to figure in the majority of these estrangement issues but how you're supposed to deal with it is beyond me.

Been shopping with a dear friend today and bought a 'Grandson's 1st Christmas' card, well 2 actually, one to send and one to keep; same with a Christmas card for our other GS and for his birthday too. I'll put them in the post as we leave a week today to stay with friends for the night before flying off to Aus.

Have a good evening everyone and ashhh don't tell Yogagirl.

Smileless very naughty early what will yogagirl say.

We did our dance class and do enjoy it takes our mind of the sadness.

I too was kind to my s I law and did like him, but never ever thought he could be so cruel and rude to us and go to police??.who does that to their family.

Had my hairdo and yes feel glamorous good idea really smileless!
I always felt chuffed was Gran at 52 not too old I felt little did I know would be ripped away. We are similar smilless mollie was only 9 months last Time I held her but I love her very very much and always will. I love Daisy and Lola too but never seen them mollie we held at few hours old and the joy was indescribable. I adored seeing her weekly for next few months,
Had to go through it all with my phone assessment for cbt and as dr referred me should get it but 5 month wait

Oh smilless you soon leaving us ! It will do you power of good.
Gabriel I at a loss to know why your d I law has turned against you, other than possessiveness but it is totally unfair.

I will never understand how Tor our estranged daughter can shrug us aside and not care about us while I am still deeply sad guess that's penalty of loving your kids it can't be switched off,
God bless all,

Rhiñestone your right about the jealousy thing
Gabby hope the Karma hurrys up, I've been waiting a long time now
Celebgran hope your blonde bits turn out nice
smileless you can have your well it is Friday As I said before, it's a material biological pull towards our GC, whether you've seen them or not. I have friends who have GC in American and another in Canada, they are always flying over to see them, with all that immense distance, they see their GC and I don't and mine live 5mins down the road :'( :'(
Im meeting my sister at Lakeside this afternoon, for a Xmas lunch & shopping, hope it's not too búsy! Have baby Clara coming over in half h9ur, as my ND is going to the hairdressers. Xmas tree up, so will decorate it when my ND gets back, so tha5 will be lovely.

Sorry girls forgot the well it is Friday