Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

To all of you unhappy ladies who are not (for whatever reason ) seeing family members may I refer you to my post ---Estranged Grandparents .
You all have my sincere sympathy ,I know exactly what you are going through .I can only say stay strong ,keep in contact with cards etc ---- even if you have no response --and hard as it is make no criticisms -----we can, after all think what we like but the old saying 'least said soonest mended' worked for me .I wouldn't like to print some of the deadful thoughts I had !! ! ! !
Again stay strong I hope that things will work out for you all as it did for me .God Bless .

To all of you very unhappy ladies may I refer you to my post Estranged Grandparents .I will not go all through my story again , that would be too boring for you all .I will only stay ---be patient ,stay in contact from time to time (even if you have no response ),and dont make any criticisms (your thoughts like mine can be quite murderous ,but best kept to yourselves ! ! ! )
I wish you all good luck for the New Year and may things work out well for you all x

Sorry , I seem to have repeated myself ---yet another senior moment ! ! ! !

Well so much for my " kill them with kindness speech". What do I know anyways.
Got woken up with a horrible cramp in my calf and now I can't stop thinking about the boys birthdays coming up. I have a card for my son but DH is not going to send one to his. I have such anxiety over the coming holiday too. I should be happy I am not having to do Xmas eve work and yet I am sad. I am leaving for five weeks in Florida the first week in January so it's torture for me to around waiting.
ESS posts his ten to Zen list on Facebook. It's what everyone should get rid of in their life.He aspires to an enlightened and Buddist life but obviously he is failing. Let go of anger and let go of blame are on the list. (Seems to me he is not enlightened yet)
i bought his boys Xnas cards but not sure to write in them that we are holding the gifts, or want to take you to get gifts, or just say nothing. What's your opinions as this is the first Xmas estranged?

IMO rhinestone still send cards and a voucher or small gift you can post, we have done that each year, not got us anywhere but we feel the little girls arent to blame a d we hope they will know we always cared, I
Photograph each card and gift or voucher and put them onto the blog I do online for Mollie the little one we knew.

This is my first time too Rhinestone of being unsure how to handle the cards and pressies situation. Sooooo....after much soul searching this is what I've done. Put a decent amount into my sons A/C, and told him to get whatever they would all like. Apparently my granddaughter wants a keyboard, as she has been going to Bach to Babies concerts, and loving them. How I would love to see her banging away on the old Joanna! I wanted to say spend it all on you and the little un, but I refrained. I got round the card thing by sending one to "Son and his family". I have, however, also sent a beautiful Medici Angel Granddaughter card, saying how much I love her, and that I'm always thinking of her.

As I thought, they will spend Christmas with my daughter-in-law's family abroad, probably New Year too. All I can hope is that during her family time, she may give a thought to me, as I will be alone.

I am afraid that the ESS and his wife aren't reading our birthday cards and telling the GC who the presents are from. I don't want to chance that. I will send a card but I cannot send presents . I will just put the money aside for a later date. My thing is that if our children are not talking to us then why would they even mention our names to the GC and tell them who the presents are from. This is all too weird for us. I cannot wait until Karma catches up with my estranged SS Mr. I am so enlightened.
And yes I am being snarky.

Rhinestone say iñ your Xmas cards to your GC that you want to take him to get his gift, that way he'll ask to see you to get his gift
Gabby
Hudl3 on go slow

Reading through this thread and trying to catch up, as I am fairly new here. So just a few random thoughts...

Celeb, I think it's great that you bring up some happier topics, too! Good luck with your hair!

Yoga, I understand your choosing to disinherit EstD and SIL, even if you reconcile at some point. However, chances are, if you do reconcile, you will change your mind - and your will. If you and DH both passed and your reconciled ED saw that you left her nothing, despite the renewed relationship, it might give her the idea that she was "right" when she cut you off? Do you care about that?

Gabrielle, I think I spoke to you on another thread. Here, I just want to add that I, too, think it's good that you still have a connection/contact with your DS. Also, I agree that you should avoid speaking against DIL, even if he complains about her (perhaps you already realize this). I know it may be hard. But if he repeats anything bad that you say to DIL, it may make things worse. Also, in the end, he may feel he has to defend her and, ironically, it may drive him away, even though he brings these issues up. Maybe not, but I've heard of that happening. I don't think it's worth the risk.

Hope you enjoyed your shopping trip Yogagirl and putting up your Christmas tree. You must be really looking forward to your DGD's first Christmas; just one of so many wonderful memories you can make.

The first of everything, birthdays, mother's day, father's day and Christmas are the hardest as you don't know what to do for the best Rhinestone and Gaby. I get cards for our GS, well both GS's now, always 2 one to send and the other to keep for their memory boxes. No gifts as the only Christmas present we ever bought him which was for his first Christmas was returned, rather brutally. It's enough for us to know that at least we do something and maybe one day when they're grown up, even if we're no longer here, it will be enough for our GS's too.

The whole 'wills' issue is very difficult and requires a lot of soul searching. Our main reason for disinheriting our ES was so his wife wouldn't benefit from our estate, and when your son tells you you are no longer a part of his life, it just seems inappropriate to have him as a beneficiary. Regardless of what the future may hold we are unlikely to change our minds. I suppose we may consider doing so if they divorced but even then it's unlikely.

I was interested in your comment Wendysue as to how Yogagirl's ED may feel if they reconcile at some point and Yogagirl doesn't change her will back. Might that make her feel that cutting her mother out of her's and her children's lives had been the right decision after all. That's something that perhaps we should all consider.

Unless a parent has been abusive there's no justification in cutting them out of your life and even if an adult child finds their relationship difficult with their parents, why make their own children lose out by denying them contact with their grandparents.

We haven't disinherited our S to punish him, our reasons for doing so are complicated and many, more than the one I've referred too. If there were to be some form of reconciliation and our wills remained unchanged, and following our deaths he felt his original decision to cut us out had been the right one, then it would have been better if he'd never come back.

The greatest gift we could ever give our children was our love, and from that love came all of the things we did for them as they were growing up and continued to do.

If all of that love wasn't enough to prevent them discarding us, why would an inheritance or lack of one make any difference.

well that's as deep thinking as I'm prepared to get for one day, or several for that matter. Have a good weekend everyone.

Listening to Xmas songs, Xmas stories of nativity plays and all, makes me very sad thinking about all the happy times we should be having with our beloveds, instead must a whole !or of grieving and dreaming about how it should be
As for the wills. What about our nice children that have stuck by us and been through the same torture all these years for no reason, then to get the same inheritance as their sibling that has caused so much miesery, heartache and more. If my EstD came back and said "sorry" that would not mend my broken heart, my heart is forever broken. If you smash a plate on the stone floor and then say sorry, will it be whole again? No it will still be broken!

And putting my EstD & S back in my will, if they did decide in the future to reconcile, gives them the message that what they did was ok! They have damaged their children, their mothers & father's and their siblings, they destroyed our once happy loving families. No! no rewards for doing all that!!

What you have said Wendysue is totally illogical. They would not have been cut out of our wills, if they have not cut us out of their lives and destroyed their own families. You've put the "cart before horse' with your statement!

Yogagirl is absolutely correct. We don't punish bad behavior when our children are little so why do it when they are adults. We have our wills written so that if our children die before their spouses the money goes to their children. We have not taken the boys off yet but when we come back from Florida it will be one year of estrangement. We will do it then.
We have sent a note in little Aidens birthday card plus texts asking to take him for a gift. No response.
My DH was so upset last night he was crying. I'm actually going to call the courts and ask for some mediation to see if they can send a letter and scare them. I know a lawyer that got some grandparent laws passed in our state and may seek him out to see if he wants to take up this estrangement thing.
I'm so afraid for my DH . He was rubbing his chest so I hope it was just anxiety.
These EC have no idea. And I also agree that even if they said sorry , how do we get back those lost years. What they did was so damaging. I don't hold grudges but this is beyond that. Unless we abused our children physically or mentally they have no case against us. What they continues to do is ABUSIVE to us.

Wendsue,didn't mean to upset you,yogagirl I am sure.

I do think it is very difficult part of me thinks what the hell I won't know or care after my time !

We posted the cards and soooo hope at least one Gra daughter got to open them!

On brighter note just enjoyed roast lamb and lucky Rosie got the bone!

Say so myself dinner was delish !

We went to Tor godparents for Chinese last night, and find it difficult for various reasons.

Sadly woke up feeling so sick, could t be properly sick tho!
Not great today but enjoyed meal!

Yogagirl you are correct regarding rewarding bad treatment of us, if we reconciled with Tor I would be unlikely to alter will I shall leave her my diamond stud earrings she borrowed for her wedding day I think.
I do have huge jewellery collection that will expect go to my Grandaughters even if they don't know me.

Our son is one who has stood by us for 7 years so that is longtime for Tor to try and make up for not that she seems to care.

Hope you're all doing OK ladies, as what for too many the worst time of the year fast approaches.

Your poor DH Rhinestone. Too many times I've had my arms around Mr. S. while he's wept for the loss of his son and GS's. Sometimes seeing his pain is more difficult to cope with than my own. Give you DH a big (((hug))) from me. I'm sure the chest pains are due to anxiety and stress, Mr. S. and I are still getting them but if you're at all concerned get him to see a doctor. Not long now until you go to Florida; I do hope you manage to relax and have a great time.

It must be strange spending time with Tor's godparents Celeb, are they still in contact with her? I'll be posting the boys cards on Friday, one each for Christmas and one for the eldest's bday. in January; he'll be 4. So much time has gone by, so much has been lost for him as well as for us.

I feel the same way Yogagirl, I'm sure we all do. If something once precious and beautiful gets damaged or broken, even if we are able to stick it back together again, it's never the same and every time we look at it, the flaw is all we see, well that's how it is for me anyway.

I don't know about all of you but I feel as if my nerves are being slowly tightened. I'm sure the build up to this Christmas is worse than last year, it shouldn't be because we have a wonderful holiday just days away, it must be because of the new baby. Such a precious gift that should bring so much joy and yet brings the opposite.

So many strange new emotions this year. I'm all over the place, remembering all the wonderful family Christmas's in this house. It used to be lit up like Blackpool. I've been here nearly fifty years, and wherever I look, I see my boys, laughing and happy. Now....nothing. There doesn't seem any point in putting up lights or a tree, just for me.

I hope those of you going away have a lovely time. I will be thinking of everyone, especially Kupari....Gabby.x.

MORNING, just feeling. Low today got annoying backache.
Poor husband got bad toothache saw dentist on anti biotics for 5 days if doesn't work then root canal treatment.
It is horrid for him and both of us irritable !

Wonder if did right thing sending card and vouchers to Mollie Daisy and Lola was pleased with cards but is draining and bel mooney was right too hurtful with no response.

I met Tor godmother over 40 years ago smileless but the friendship has been fractured quite a bit. They did hear from Tor first few years but have t doe. For about 3 heads now. They were absolutely no help or support and really wonder why we still see them?!

They going away for Xmas and have asked to see My son she did take day off to see him in summer. He has invited them for Boxing Day lunch not told us and she smugly mentioned it yesterday. That is what she was like with our estranged daughter always going behind my back (they been emailing and facebooking our son like crazy to get arrangement)

I guess as know. Her so long we keep appearing papering over cracks.
She inside friend that drags you down if that makes sense? As poor husband poorly with tooth asked them come to collect Xmas presents we both felt depressed when they left!

Sorry rant over.
Smilless you must be excited not long now,
Not just the new birth we feel struggling too guess we forget now sad these
Times make us.

Yogsgirl at least you have a gorgeous baby to cuddle!

Celebgran Are you still friends with the godparents because you are hoping secretly that through them you will see Tor someday should they reconnect?
In my world I would rather have less friends than one who leaves me depressed and drags me down. We have our EC to do that.
People change and sometimes you have to move on. I'm not telling you what to do just what I would do. But to me friends should be loving, caring and supportive.

Today is my deceased father's birthday. This is a hard week with that and the ES birthdays on Sunday and then Xmas. I just want to sleep the week away.
Gabrielle8I can relate to you as this is the first year I won't be doing a family party for the holiday. We have to get used to a new normal I guess.
DH and I made a decision to just send cards with no gifts to the grandchildren. We will put another note in it like we did for Aiden's birthday that we want to take them to pick out a gift. DH decided to not text but call his son and leave a voicemail to ask to see the kids. He and his wife will be off work for two weeks. We then decided to call the court to see if a letter can be sent out asking for visitation. We won't do that until after Florida. This is our last chance for communication.

Celebgran do Tor's Godparents have children of their own? If they don't, that would explained their thoughtless actions & words over the years. My sister doesn't have children and she sometimes says some thoughtless things. My dad would always say "Childless women make the best Mothers" (in their minds only)
Yes it doesn't seem to get any easier at Xmas time Smileless the sharp edges of our emotions have lessened, but now it's the length of time! Our fourth Xmas without them! all those lost happy times, I just keep imagining them, which I know I should stop this, but can't! My nice daughter said she wants to take me to an Hypnotist to get rid of my sad thoughts for my EstD & GC, but I don't want my thoughts of them taken away, so what can you do
Father Xmas has bought me a new laptop for Xmas, very generous of him I must say waiting for it to arrive, I'm typing on my desk top dinosaur now as my Hudle is getting on my nerves with regards to typing! Hope you enjoy your Xmas in Oz with your nice Son, wish I was heading for the sun . My friends that I spend new year with are going on a cruise to Dubai on Friday, sounds fantastic, I was invited to go, but can't leave my ND & new baby GD on Xmas day
Gabby I thought like you on the first year of estrangement, no tree, no deco! I did in the end and every year I get a lovely fresh Xmas tree and put the outside lights up, nearly breaking my neck, I might add . So put up your Xmas deco, mine look so pretty, they lift my spirits Sorry it's a bad week for you Gabby
Rhinestone I hope you and your hubby are feeling better, all of us grieving mums/grandmothers & dads, have been in such emotional pain, that it does transpire into adverse reactions in our bodies! Hope you get to take your dear GS out for his Xmas gift and that you have a peaceful Xmas in Florida
No wine today ladies just

So sorry Rhinestone those should have been for your bad/sad week
Don't worry Gabby you can keep yours
I know what you mean about sleeping Rhinestone Just pulling the duvet over your head to try and block out what's happening I do that!

If we were running a competition to see who can include the most smileys in a post, I think you could win Yogagirl.

Well clearly we're all struggling with the run up to Christmas. We're finding it difficult to get into the 'spirit of things' and I'm sure it's in part due to the few meagre decs. we've got in the house which is of course because we fly to Aus. on Saturday.

You might find it cheers you a little Gabby if you have a few, even if it's just a tree and a few lights. Isn't itthat even our memories can't bring us much joy at this time of the year but hopefully one day, we'll be able to remember how things used to be with laughter instead of tears. I do hope you'll have a good day on the 25th, spoil yourself and remember that everyone on here will be thinking of you as we think of one another.

Do you think that's possible Yogagirl that a hypnotist could rid us of our sad thoughts? they'd have to be very good to deal with us lot on here wouldn't they. Ahhh it's all beginning to make sense now, therestrictions, you're worried that you'll fall of your ladder again while putting up your Christmas decs.well you could just take more water with it.

for you Rhinestone as you think about your father's birthday today. I wonder what he'd have thought about what's happening with your family? I often look at the photo I have on my wall of my lovely gran and wonder what she'd have made of it, she'd have probably rung ES's neck.

I just don't seem to be able to get enough sleep at the moment, perhaps it's our brains' way of shutting everything down and giving us a little rest bite from the pain.

Oh yes Celeb I remember now. 40 years of friendship is a long time and to have managed to sustain it in such difficult circumstances can't have been easy. You might regret it if you let it slide. From what you've told us all about your DS, I can understand them wanting to see him on Boxing day, I'd be quite happy to spend the day with him myself.

Here's a BIG (((hug))) for your back ache; promise not to squeeze too hard and one for Gra. with his toothache (((hug))). Had that once myself and it's really horrible so I hope he gets it sorted before Christmas.

Have a good evening everyone. for all the boozers and afor those with most restraint.

Morning girls
Well I'm back on my Hudle smileless so you can take the funny faces crown back añd thanks for the cup of tea, it's delicious Hope your all packed and ready for your wonderful trip to Oz to spend Xmas with your lovely Son and D.i.L
I'm onto my last classes before Xmas from today's classes, so I'm making up some fun things to do, giving out Xmas cards & little chocolate German Xmas cookies having 20per class I've a lot of writing to do now, so best dash and get it all prepared

Glad you enjoyed theYogagirl I'm having one myself at the moment. Finished packing and both cases are under 20k so that's a relief. Had to put my shoes in Mr. S.'s as mine was getting a little on the heavy side.

I hate packing, especially for 2 and no doubt when we get there Mr.S. will say "why didn't we bring such and such"; 'we'.

Got a lovely message from DS last night "can't wait to see you both xx". Feeling much better today, it'll do us good to get away for a while and spend time with them both.

That sounds like a lot of work Yogagirl and a lovely idea, I'm sure all your class members will appreciate it.

Wellbrake over, pile of ironing to do now and still a few things to sort out; makeup, nail stuff. Better not put that in Mr. S.'s case, might be a bit if for some reason customs wants to go through his case, the ladies shoes might be bad enough.

Omg all these smileys!

No yogagirl no kids of their own explains a lot.

Rhinestone You just saying what I have thought for long while.
We are going to distance ourselves quite a bit.
Just need friends to lift you up not drag you down.

I am feeling bit tearful just seen doctor about knee xray results got severe arthritis both knees and have essex consultant he does t think steroid jab will help great! I am well nervous about that.

On happy note swam 16 lengths today
After acquacise of course. And dancing class tonight, just hope can keep dancing !

Sad day 7 years since my dear father in law passed away, miss him dreadfully and it was just 3 months later Tor cut us out.

Smileless Bon voyage and keep in touch, yes I agree after 44 years won't do drastic just step back massively from the godparents rhinestone is right things change. I will never forgive them for refusing to support is ke write to Tor when we were t allowed to, take her stuff over etc. They were so close to her and just did smug when she contacted them first few years.