Alone for Christmas

Hope you're all having at least an OK day, especially those alone

Myself and OH are just having a quiet day, not huge amount on TV for us, but may rewatch a favourite film later. We did have a laugh this morning, watching our 2 new kittens exploring the island, one suddenly took it into his head to try and jump to shore - needless to say he had a rather chilly dip and realised he could swim!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=99mApf9pfb4

Wishing you all well xx

I am just about muddling through. OH has typically wandered off upstairs doing something on his computer.

My son and daughter both called early which was nice, but DD, then at her MILs with my DGS's and their young cousins left me feeling more out of celebration mode when DD skyped me from there.

I should not begrudge them this, as my co-granny's GCs live in the EU and she does not see as much of her other GCs as I see of mine. (They all live 50 miles away from us and co-granny has a lot of family near her.) I would never want my DGS's to miss out on their cousins.

It is OHs unwillingness to engage in any "fun" activities that makes me feel lonely. He has always seemed reluctant to play board games etc with the kids when they were small. Actually fun is not a concept he understands at all.
I get DD & co on Sunday for a couple of nights

Thank God for BBC Radio 4 at times like this. There is usually something worth listening to when all else fails.

I was so sorry to read your post Rubylady; how upsetting for you, I hope you're having a better day today and your son has at least had the decency to say 'sorry'. I wonder why we have that old saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me', when words can do cause so much pain and the hurt can go on for years.andfor you.

I hope you managed to carry on muddling through yesterday Nelliemoser, that today is a better day and you have a great time with your DD & co tomorrow and for the duration of their stay.

Had it not been for our DS and d.i.l.'s invitation to come to Oz I know
Mr. S. and me would have struggled yesterday even though we'd have had family and friends to share the day with. You can be in a room full of people that you love, and still feel the pain for the loved one who isn't there.

I hope you all manage to enjoy the rest of the festive period.

I see your DS continues to be insufferably rude Ruby - you are an angel to put up with this. I'm afraid I'd have stopped housing, feeding and financing him a long time ago (((hugs)))

I am wrestling hard to find somewhere/way to ease/get rid of my hurt feelings. Turned to GN today (rare thing) to see if others are struggling like me. I am an open loving affectionate kind of mum/MIL. Not perfect but never done anything terrible. DD cut herself off many years ago and there are 2 GC I've never seen. Yes I've tried everything over the years but she won't communicate at all, even when she was told I had cancer. She has never told anyone why. DS won't broach it with her and I've never asked him to as it's not his problem. DS and DIL kindly invited me for late breakfast xmas day and as always they barely spoke to me. They just don't communicate. I get no answer when I speak to them about anything from world affairs to the weather or things that are important to them or me. I make the 220 mile trek by train (not in good health) every month to see them (and to help terminally ill elderly parents) but it's so disheartening to be blanked for hours. I do hate feeling barely tolerated. Though considering how my DD treats me I am VERY grateful to be included in their lives at all. When any of DIL's family drop in DS and DIL chat with them non-stop and are so friendly it's like a knife in my guts. I have asked why they don't speak to me and DIL says she and DS 'run on logic and only speak when there's something to say'. Yet they're only like that with me. After years of being pleasant and rising above it while dying inside I'm feeling inclined to treat them the same when I visit and make it solely about my 4 y o DGD, who is the light of my life and we have a lovely relationship. Again I am VERY grateful to be allowed this. Despite my dodgy body I get on the floor and play silly games, cuddle lots and we talk non-stop. I hate feeling unhappy and sorry for myself and I know there are others hugely worse off. My problem is where to put those hurt feelings. They are so hard to live with every day but at times like these they take me over. I bought my kids up alone from ages 2 and 3 after their dad cleared off, then lost my health and career 13 years ago but manage my life well. I have many interests and do charitable activities. U3A has been brilliant for me and I have good friends but the pain of rejection is always there and worse on special days. My 56th birthday on NYE. Gosh this is a mega-long whiney rant! I'm actually quite cheerful otherwise. Sorry GNers. I'll shut up now. Thanks for allowing me this outlet even if no-one reads it. Happy New Year to you all. x

I'm sure no one would deny you this vent nanaseaside

You are probably right when you think it best just to concentrate on your little GD and stop trying too hard with your son and DiL. Perhaps just enough 'talk' not to come down to their level?

You seem to have quite an active life away from them so make the most if this.

Where to put your hurt feelings? Buy a diary for 2016 and put them there. Write it all down and let it out.

Seacliff, I hope you enjoyed your Xmas. No harm if it was quiet. I don't think a day has to be full of noise - even laughter - to be pleasant.

Nellie, I hope you "muddled through" ok and maybe found good shows to watch on the television or a DVD if OH wouldn't join in anything that was fun for both of you. I'm sorry the skyping was less than satisfactory, but glad your AC got in touch with you. Hope you are feeling better today!

Nanaseaside, my heart just aches for you! TG, there is a place like this where parents/GPs can come and vent as you just did! To have a DD CO you and a DS and DIL barely speak to you! Oh! That must hurt so very much!

Is it possible that this is a matter of different communication styles? At least where DS and DIL are concerned? Like maybe they're all about being calm and logical and you tend to get more emotional (or vice versa)? Or they're into chatty conversations about superficial topics and you prefer deeper stuff (or vice versa)? Could that be the problem?

Whether it is or not, I think you're wise to just focus on GD. Also, I agree that you should cut back on trying to converse with DS and DIL. Just do what they do and "only speak (to them) when there is something to say." Even if it gets down to, "Please pass the salt." Maybe they'll be relieved (sorry) but maybe they'll wonder what's up and seek more communication with you. Either way, you'll be better off. Why knock yourself out trying when it there are no results?

IMO, it's wonderful that you can still see past that to appreciate their inviting you and getting the time with little GD. I think it's great, too, that you have an active and interesting life, overall (I'm sorry about your health problems and such, but that doesn't seem to have held you back, fortunately)and are able to be "quite cheerful" most of the time.

I get it about the "pain of rejection" always being there, however. So sending you some (((hugs))).

Grannyactivist , it is you who is the angel ! what a lovely story and I hope you all had a lovely day x

Sorry wrong thread

Wendysue. I meet more and more Wendys as I get older. I volunteer for a small charity and there are four of us. I have even come across one with the same surname (online - Future Learn)

Nana seaside that is very sad.

It is lovley to be able enjoy your grandchild though so guess you can't rock the boat.

We just returned from my dear son who I adore.

Have or say his partner does talk and we are fond of her, but I did put on estrangement thread she is very very don't like say lazy but Leave It all to our son, absolute minimum effort all frozen veg for Xmas lunch, we took lovley crackers, wine, champagne, etc the meal was dreadful really.
Sorry sound horrid ungrateful but we wonder if its deliberate, maybe she resents us there, her mum is in s..Africa. Who knows as she is very welcoming verbally.
When we arrived it was v cold, wet towels on radiator in our room, the boys her teenage sons were supposed to have cleaned?,! no food prepared fish chips collected by our son.

Mmmm I guess I go to too much trouble it's very unlikely we Will travel 200miles to stay there again.
So hard when our lovely son is all we have, but we were so cold, and felt for our son trying to do his best with it all.

He desperately wants us to move nearer, but don't think that would be great as we have all our friends and social life here.

I think he felt embarrassed, she offered us drink I said oh gin tonic please, no tonic,maybe orange no juice mm poor oh ended up with instant hot chocolate I did get martini and lemonade so that was nice. It just felt like she obviously had made no effort and was quite ok with that, she said sorry this came out of packets and isn't hot?! We also drink out of coffee jars, I offered them glasses and mentioned wasn't keen on jars, dh and I had to laugh as jars were all that appeared.

Sorry must stop ranting.

Coffee jars? You mean, like the jars Nescafé comes in?

celebgran it sounds as though I was 50 million times better off on my own-I even used a proper wine glass for my wine with my evening meal. my house was very cosy, appreciated by my cat!!!

It does sound a long trip to be treated in that way and to be cold as well to me would be the end. I feel sorry for your poor son. You may well be better off spending Christmas together in your own home next year with everything around you.

Definitely charleyngirl!

Sad as i love spend time with our son.

Ana they are the Doug Egbert glass jars? Horrid like drinking out of jam jars,

Oh I see! How odd - I thought people used them for vases etc. not to drink out of...

Well it hasn't been a bundle of laughs, but I have survived another year of Christmas. I should have DGs's arriving tomorrow so I am doing a full vege christmas dinner.

You can't be serious! (as McEnroe would say) - drink out of coffee jars???? Is this April 1st?

I got out a bottle of Peroni my favourite beer and it is still on the kitchen table. I have had no alcohol this week since I tried some very nasty red wine I was going to use as a wine gravy.

(It all went a bit wrong which is a good reason to stick to your old trusty recipe.)
" I thought my mother was a bad cook but at least her gravy moved."
(or at least it did not taste vile.)

Celebgran, sorry your visit was not more pleasant - it's always miserable to be cold in someone else's home. Is your DiL well? I ask as it sounds as if she finds it hard to make much effort with food, cleaning. The coffee jars is odd, I've not come across that sort of thing since student flats in the 1960s! Does she have glasses that she doesn't bother to get out or is money very tight perhaps?
Your son must be so distressed by it all, no wonder he'd like you nearer.

I've noticed jars are the thing for smoothies, they usually use a straw. I didn't think they were meant to use without a straw. It's a bit like in restaurants, ordering your meal and it comes out on a bread board.

If you move celebgran there is no guarantee they will stay in the area.

Hi Nelliemoser, how was your vegi Christmas lunch? Did you do the traditional nut loaf. I suspect this year many more people will move towards either giving up meat, or continuing to eat less of it.

I can empathise completely. How can they enjoy themselves knowing your left alone? What happened to all we taught them? Kids don't owe us anything by right but as parents themselves they'll know we 'earned' it.

How sad but reassuring to know that I'm not alone. Well I am actually, since I moved to be closer to the eldest of 3 daughters for health reasons. It was supposed to be her helping me but with two grandchildren & a husband who works away from home all week, it's been the other way around.

He and I had a falling out almost 2 years ago & it was 100% my fault. My daughter put the phone down on me when I expressed an opinion that it was a 'big ask' for her MIL to take her 2 yr old away to their caravan for 4 days - on the day of her birthday.

Me & D made it up & got back to being really close & mutually helpful although it exhausted me (I have an incurable, progressive disease). I apologised to him & explained I was under a great deal of stress since I was being tested for cancer of the throat. His response was 'I don't care, I just don't care.
I'm not allowed in their house if he's there & have to get out pronto when he's on his way home.

My D told me that they were spending Christmas at home and due to a road diversion I passed her MiL house on Xmas day to see her car their & that house all lit up and load of his family there. I spent xmas day contemplating suicide. I am taking time to decide how I should react to being lied to & all the other hurt.

At 65 I don't relish the thought of moving house again but right now I just want to get way from it all,

Madge Please don't think like that, you are vital to other people, people on here for one and can find others who will value you and what you can give them and you will find that they give back in return, unlike the people we share blood bonds with, unfortunately, but there it is.

It is dreadfully hurtful to be told that someone is not bothered when you are suffering with a disease and are undergoing tests and you have to find the strength to go through it virtually alone. But put it on here how you are doing, PM me if you want, do anything to get you through it and to feel ok about yourself.

I have had my family turn their back on me, my son walks away at times if I cannot breathe, at other times will make a brew or get my inhaler for me but is hardly the carer of the year. My DD does not want to know and has not spoke to me for nearly 2 years, even though she knows of my health conditions. Other family expect me to be the partying person I was some years ago but I am not now and so they leave me alone now. Good, I will get on without them all.

I have some tests to undergo soon, which I have put off due to nursing my dad but I have to put myself first now. So tests and also I will go and see what the food bank do as I might try to give an hour to them to talk to people coming in for food. I'll see how things go but my life has to change a bit this year, starting also with the slimming club next week, get some of this weight off, for my health.

My DS, who I currently live with (for the next 8 months til he goes to uni) tells me that I am old, my taste is terrible with whatever I do, puts me down regularly. Roll on University opening its doors this year because I will start to live again properly when I am free from this abuse. Until then I will plan my way through the next few months, and hopefully time will fly by.

So come on, chin up, no talk of suicide or I won't have anyone to grumble to! Make some plans for yourself, see if there is anything in the area you are in now which is more for your age or interests. Let me know what you find out. Take care love, you are a very worthwhile person, keep telling yourself until you believe it. Xxx

What a lovely post rubylady. I hope you're OK, to be on line in the early hours of the morning must mean you're finding it hard if not impossible to sleep. I'm in Oz at the moment so am 8 hours ahead of you. I hope you don't see this post for several hours because you're now sleeping.

I don't know what to say to you Madge, except to repeat rubylady's kind words. You are worthwhile, and deserve the love, care and companionship that we all do and you're not alone. You'll find many virtual friends on GN so don't despair. Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and take care.