Alone for Christmas

Madge, first I'm going to chime in with the others and remind you there are people who need and value you, including those of us here. Even if DD doesn't always treat you the way she should, I'm sure you mean a lot to her and her kids. And how about your other DDs? I'm so sorry for the hurt you've suffered, but as you can see, you're not alone. Please don't think of checking out because of it. Just come and vent here when you're upset. You'll get plenty of support. (((Hugs!)))

You know, I'm sorry about the rift between you and SIL and the fact that DD lied to you about Xmas. Is it possible that there was a conflict between her and SIL over how to spend Xmas and they ended up changing plans last minute? Or that she lied so as not to hurt your feelings or make you feel left out? You ended up getting hurt, anyway, but she didn't know that would happen. Please give her the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, Madge and Ruby. I think some young people have a very hard time accepting their parents infirmities and go into denial. I had a brother like that - just couldn't deal with it when either of our parents were ill or suffering from a disability. If it's any comfort, I don't think it means they don't care, just that they can't handle it. And if they feel they still need our help, as with your DD, Madge, then I suspect it's even harder for some of them to face the reality of our health issues.

Still, I know it must make things more difficult for you when,on top of your health problems, you have this pressure to be your "old self." All I can say is please try to ignore that pressure and do what's best for you. (((Hugs))) to you both!

Celeb, I'm so sorry your visit with DS and his partner wasn't totally satisfactory. As I mentioned in the other thread, they may have decided to take a yours/mine approach to family. Or that may be what she wants but he's resisting. So you get them each waiting for the other to buy/prepare food when you and DH come and it ends up with nothing being ready and so forth. IOWs, you may be getting caught in the crossfire of a silent conflict between them (sigh). Since she's friendly to you, I strongly suspect that's it. Either way, again, very sorry about this.

As for the idea that their teenage sons were supposed to clean up - well, maybe they were supposed to but didn't - the risk of counting on teenagers, I guess. If I'm right about a conflict between them over who entertains his parents and so forth, then this may have been an attempt at compromise - you know, so neither of them had to clean up, the boys would do it (yeah, so much for that!).

I know it must hurt to hear that her mother gets treated "like royalty" (or whatever your exact words were, I don't have your post in front of me). I hope neither DS nor his partner are telling you about this - that would be very insensitive of them, IMO. I hope you're getting this idea from photos on FB or something like that. But if you are, please remember that FB photos don't show everything. There may be some slights and frustrations you don't see/hear about.

But if they're doing the yours/mine thing, then it's up to DS' partner to do for her mother and maybe she goes at it whole hog. No conflict there, the way there is when you people come to visit and she starts expecting him to be the host. That might explain the difference. You see what I mean? Perhaps it's not the case. but maybe...

grannyactivist What a lovely couple you are to invite an old lady for Xmas lunch I am sure she will enjoy telling you her life stories I mean that in a nice way sad that she is on her own .. I am lucky that I am close to my children but some folk live too far away and cannot make it to see their children......

The only people I know who put themselves out to invite lonely people to their home are Christians, but you would never suspect it as they are not preachy. As someone who lives mostly alone, I am struck by how infrequently friends who are couples never invite singletons to their dinner parties etc. The kind thing to do is to invite even those who we are not particularly fond of to our homes and make them feel welcome. Life isn't all about our cosy easy get togethers.

Piffle.

Great word, Anya! Have you been catching up on Dickensian this afternoon too?

Smileless2012 Thank you for your lovely comment. I am frequently up during the night, health problems means I can't stay awake for a full day so tend to have to sleep late afternoon/evening so up later but I have to admit that I love it, when all is still, quiet and at peace with the world instead of busy, noisy and my son asking for my attention, lol.

I hope you are having a great time in Oz and the weather is not too hot for you. Are you visiting relatives?

Wow we have had amazing day ?Invited to good friends for lunch and tea and it was soooo good relaxing and they went to so much trouble. We been friends for a long time but not spent day in their home for ages it did us so much good as we were very irritable and stressed before we went!

To be honest the difficult xmas left us both drained.

Bless you wendysue sons partner is in good health butmjustmtadmlazymand addicted to her iPhone. She prefers to do craft work and is skilled at. needleworkm to be fair she works full time also. I realise she can't do it all and she prefers to sit around on iPhone or sewing to actual cooking. Or cleaning.

Glad not just be about coffee jars,
Our son is very high earner but,they rent huge house so lot outgoings and both had debts. She knew I named jars on Last visit and we offered them glasses when they visited were refused? ,!?
Madge keep your chin up and he's agree smileless that was lovely post from ruby lady,

I think the drinking jars are a bit of a trend at the moment. I've been bought some for Christmas and like the look of them - though they do have straws included

celebgran, surely the only important thing is that your DIL gave you a warm welcome and was kind to you during your visit? We're not all cut out to be domestic goddesses, and with her full time job, teenage family and craftwork she can't have much time to be lazy.

If you really think that she deliberately tried to make your Christmas miserable, of course that's another matter entirely

My teenage GC were given the drinking jars for Christmas and they were a huge success. They are very trendy.

Celebgran I wouldn't be happy if my MIL made it clear that she doesn't like my crockery/glassware and offers to bring her own!

I'm sure she doesn't like some of your homewares but is perhaps too well-mannered to comment to your face.

To be honest you do sound very critical and quick to find fault.

I'm not sure what forum I should put this on, so forgive me if I'm in the wrong place. I need an outlet for this, as on one level it seems so silly, and on another it hurts and it's going round and round in my head and I don't know what to do, or who to talk to.

Neighbours.

I live on my own in a row of terraces. On one side there's a young couple who have been there for around 7 years, during which time we've exchanged cards at Christmas, up until this year, when they didn't reciprocate. I don't see a lot of them but we 'hello' each other, that's it. On the other side a new neighbour moved in on the 20th Dec, I pushed a card through their door, introducing myself - no response at all. I know this will seem silly to most of you on GN but it's left me feeling more paranoid than ever.

I've been ill over Christmas - still am and I feel weak and vulnerable as I have no family nearby. I'd feel 'safer' if I knew the neighbours were 'looking out for me' but I'm anxious about approaching them in case they see me as being a nuisance.

Anyone having a similar problem? (please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment)

boheminan, and I hope you start to recover soon.

Perhaps the established neighbours have stopped sending cards - many, particularly younger, people seem to have gone over to e-cards or charitable donations in lieu. I think it's a shame, personally, but times change.

I hope the new neighbour's just been busy over Christmas and will make him or herself known to you soon. We all like to feel that someone's looking out for us, so there's nothing at all silly about your concerns. Best wishes to you.

I agree with Maggie that the new neighbour has probably been busy settling in and sorting him/herself out - it's only been just over a week, after all.

Not at all silly to feel vulnerable when you live on your own with no family nearby, especially when you've been ill. I do hope you feel better soon, boheminan and manage to get a bit of confidence back

Maggiemaybe I think when your partners parents have driven200 miles it is not great idea to be at gymn and spa and make no preparation.
My poor son did his best even offered come and collect us.

I wouldn't dream of offering anyone coffee jar to drink from.
Not question of being domestic goddess really just manners.
I would be ashamed not to prepare for any guests.

It makes me a bit cynical really but not intention of falling out with my son over it he really did his best.

Bohemian that is bit hurtful we had 2 new neibor song recently popped card through their door and they both responded.

However easy get paranoid if you alone and not well wish you well.

River walk I am not her m I law she is still married to her son's father.

No I am not overly critical I don't happen to like drinking out of coffee jars to my mind a nice glass adds to enjoymnet of drink.

Why bother to post something negative like you did? Without bothering to read anything properly.

When they come to my home I spend hours making sure place is clean and a nice meal ready. Maybe I am too conscientious.

Rubylady your DS is in for a shock when he gets to University, he will have to share a kitchen and bathroom with strangers, clean up after himself do his laundry and nobody will want to live with a brat who storms off in a tantrum if he doesnt get his own way. He sounds like a very rude and immature young man. You need to think of yourself a bit more, eat what you like when you like do a few more things you enjoy, use your considerable skills and life experience and leave him to it. Have a lovely New Year and make it about you.

Maggiemaybe sadly I think craftwork is a luxury I certainly could t afford time or money for when bringing up family and working my priorities were hygiene and feeding. Family.

I certainly didn't have time for hobbies then,

Thank you Maggiemaybe and Ana for your wise words. I hadn't thought of the e-card explanation.

It's sad that in some ways virtual greetings are eroding small communities, as neighbours don't seem to verbally communicate anymore - we are all seemingly becoming more insular....

Rubylady you should introduce your DS to a washing machine because you do not want piles of dirty washing coming home with him whenever he bothers to come home. Enjoy your new life after he leaves the house. He will appreciate you when he has gone to share kitchens and bathrooms with strangers. Look after no.1 for a change.

celebgran If I could have spent Christmas with my son and granddaughter,
I would have happily drunk from the bottle, and eaten Iceland's finest!

If you could have forgotten your own high standards and accepted that everyone has different priorities, you would have had a much happier time.

I think you're missing my point, celeb. I imagine you're looking at this through our generation's eyes, where the woman was always expected to prep for and entertain guests, no matter who they were or which side of the family they were from. And the guy practically got a medal if he pitched in, LOL! The fact that you say, "my poor son did his best" underscores that for me. Why "poor?" Why isn't he expected to cook for you, etc., as much as his partner is? Even if it's true that she doesn't care that much for cooking and cleaning, that doesn't let him off the hook entirely.

I know, I know, you and I come from a different time. But they're more likely to be doing things according to how many young couples (not all, of course) do it today.

I may be wrong, of course. But IF I'm right, no worries - I'm NOT saying he sluffed off. I AM saying that he probably has a lot to learn about entertaining guests. And that he MIGHT have been hoping that his partner would cave and do more of the work, after all.

One thing I totally agree with you on is that it's rude not to be there when an invited guest arrives, unless, maybe you're late by accident. Some people, IMO, take this yours/mine thing too far (if that's what this was about).

Ouch celeb! That's a bit harsh.
Your DIL may not do enough housework but neither does your son.
He didn't prepare any food for your visit either. The coffee jars are definitely a thing, it's trend to use them instead of cups. Check Pinterest

You sound like you don't like your DIL which is fair enough you just sound like different people, if you have made it obvious to her then you can't expect her to want to slave away in a kitchen cooking a 3 course christmas lunch and blitzing the whole house for your arrival.

It's rather obvious you don't like your son's partner Celebgran - but you need to exercise some tact or things could turn nasty.