32 Year Relationship Over

So sorry to hear your news. Please hang in there, it will take time but you will begin to feel better.

So sorry to hear this. Please do not think it is all your fault being co dependant etc. That's just his story. As I see it we are all dependant on each other in many ways. I hope you have some good friends to stand by you. There are many caring and interesting people out there.Wish you all the very best.

I am so sorry you are going through this Kitspurr but you will come through and surprise yourself how good the new life can be.
My husband walked off for another woman almost to the day 40 years after we married. He took two months to move out during which I was angry to the point of illness but once that period was over I felt an overwhelming peace. It wasn't a good marriage. The financial side of it was terrifying as he had made such a mess of it and I was being chased by the taxman and didn't know how to begin to sort it out but I did and feel proud of myself to have done it. I felt a fool for my ignorance but just to keep the peace had omitted to retain any financial control - a mistake but I got over it and so will you.
I do have children and care of a grandchild which I know is a privilege but also holds me back from the activities I had looked forward to in retirement and these are all there for you to take and will help fill the void.
Counselling is a great idea and a chat with a solicitor if need be and support from so many who have been through the dark place and come through to a better life.
With every best wish.

By the way, it helped me enormously to right down what I was feeling but maybe that was just me.

'write' not 'right'! My brain knows how to spell but my fingers have forgotten.

Kitspurr. I do feel for you. On a practical note, CAB will help you sort out the financial things if that is a problem. Also, RELATE will help you with the marriage ending. I agree with the other gransnetters there is light and and new life waiting for you but it will take time to get there. Take care of yourself. hugs

Kitspur

I have been through what you are experiencing. At the time some said 'there will be a light at the end of the tunnel' I did not believe them and felt suicidal. That was thirty years ago. It was true I did find a light at the end of the tunnel. I did get married and divorced again. Started new hobbies and education courses. Retired in 2011 and moved to my retirement apartment in 2013 and you know what Kitspur? It was the best thing I have ever done. It is also the most content I have ever been. I am in the U3A(university of the third age) which gives me lots of interests. Eventually grabbing the bull by the horns, living an independent life is the best, doing what you want when you want. As long as you have good friendships,the world is your oyster.

Not at the moment are you ready, it is a bereavement. Remember you are as low as you are ever going to be and there is only one way to go after that UP. Onwards and Upwards.

Hi
I am really sorry to hear that your very long term relationship has ended and as has been mentioned previously you are now at the start of the natural grieving process. I am a qualified relationship therapist and have worked for nearly 20 years with individuals, couples and families who are suffering the effects of relationship breakdown and the potential pain and suffering evoked by these circumstances should never be underestimated. It is particularly difficult when, as in your situation, the decision has been made by your partner as it can leave the other partner (you, in this case) feeling helpless and hopeless. I guess be as prepared as you can be for a variety of emotions to ensue, with anger being a very natural part of the grief cycle and don't be afraid of seeking support from those you trust. It is natural to feel sad about telling people what has happened as verbalising it does confirm the reality, but just start with a chosen few and if it is too painful maybe a trusted friend could help you inform those you feel you need to tell. A visit to the GP seems a good idea and when you're ready maybe some counselling sessions. Your ex seems to suggest that it is your behaviour that is the reason for the breakdown of your relationship, just remember there are always 'unconscious collusions' in couple relationships and usually one partner can only behave in a certain way if the other partner 'allows' them to do so. Also your insight is correct your childhood certainly influences your adulthood and therapy would be exactly the right context to explore this. As part of my professional role I offer therapeutic group-work to women who are surviving divorce and separation and I am always impressed by their determination, strength and ability to support one another, so take heart you can get through this and there is hope for the future.

Imperfect21 nailed it. It is exactly like a bereavement. We had 33 years behind us and I now look on it as his moment of madness. We survived the storm but I am certain that if he dies first, I have already had a dress rehearsal of the pain I will go through. Your doctor is an important port of call. Mine told me as the stage when I thought it was all over, that it would take me two years to rebuild my life. Be very kind to yourself and also allow yourself to feel the anger. From your post it would appear that he is laying all the blame at your doorstep which is ridiculous as it takes two. Sending you a big virtual hug and lots of positive thoughts. You will be amazed at what you will achieve if you go out there and challenge yourself. I am nit the doormat I used to be!!!!!

Don't dwell on any criticisms by your ex, they may be made to alleviate the guilt he is feeling for hurting you.
Many of us have been in your shoes, remember ' what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' X

So sorry this has happened. A very dear friend of mine has recently been in a similar position and from her experiences I can only join in saying do see a Solicitor, when his guilt at leaving starts to wane you really need to know how you stand. Lots of hugs.

Hi Kitspur, my husband of 45 years did this to me just over 2 years ago, he had met a woman on line from the USA who he decided he wanted to have a relationship with. The shock was enormous, the hurt and pain almost unbearable, like you I reached out to the wonderful members on gransnet. They were brilliant, I know how much you hurt and how bewildered and frightened you feel but do take legal advice as soon as you can.
My divorce is still not finale it has taken a long time to get a satisfactory financial settlement sorted, I have managed to find a way to buy him out, so at 65 I can remain in my home. I started with CAB, as other gransnetters have suggested.
my best advice is, get your legal advice, take your time making decisions about your future, take each day as it comes, it is o.k. to cry, it is o.k. to be angry, you deserve far better than this betrayal. It really does get better but it takes time, I think this is worse than bereavement, when your partner dies, they are gone and you can grieve, but when they leave you, you can still see and talk to them they just don't want you anymore, the rejection is so cruel.
You will get through this, a big hug from me

Well, my relationship of 35 years is over but it is me who is instigating the break up. We are just not a couple any more, we have grown apart and our mindsets and interests are quite different. I am hoping against hope that our break up will be amicable, though presently my husband is experiencing all the hurt you describe. I have been unhappy for a very long time and have thought about what I am doing long and hard, but the fact that I am in the driving seat is difficult for my husband and also he has not had so long to process what is happening. I am guessing it is the same for you and your husband.
In my own circumstances, I can see no reason why, if we each acknowledge the end has come, that we cannot both move forward and each have a better life. I agree with HannahLoisLouise that you should do everything you can not to let proceedings sour the relationship with your husband and if you can, trust that he does want what is best for you both. I definitely want what is best of us both.

My first marriage ended after 13yrs. I lost weight, I began doing stupid things like driving down the MI to the next junction and crying in a layby, then driving home. I suppose I was wanting to get away from our marital home. I wrote a list of the silly things I was doing and took it the Dr's. His reply was that if you can make a list like that, you can also put everything right. No help at all. Lots of advice from well meaning friends and some not so well meaning friends.
But what did the trick for me was... I felt for weeks/months, I was living in black hole. Then one morning I awoke and it was as if the sun had come out and I could see my future in a much clearer light.

There will be lots of pain and hurt but take care of yourself. Weed out the people who just want to 'feast' on your pain from those who genuinely want to help you. This is a new chapter in your life and what ever that means, learn from it and one day, the sun will come out again, I'm sure.

I'm so sorry. I'm going through this at the moment but we are still living together (but separate lives). He will not leave-he expects me to. Bugger that (at least, not till I'm ready.)

I agree with a pp that he is using his guilt (or manipulativeness) to minimise his behaviour. Please don't get sidetracked by that, and see a solicitor right away.

Take whatever support you can. Friends, family, GP, counsellor, therapist. Keep talking and keep posting if it makes you feel better. Remember your life is about you now.

You are stronger than you think. You will get through this and learn lots about yourself. Take support from all who offer it. I know this from experience, and you really do recover. Above all, stay positive.

Be kind to yourself try to stay occupied and in time you might even look upon this happening as a new chapter in your life it happened to me after 27 years but I was the one who initiated the break up but I still felt bereft at times of what was gone.

My relationship (17years) has also ended. It was a hard Christmas and New Year without my partner. Luckily, I have family and friends who have supported and guided me through these past four months of grief. I have good times/days and bad times/days when I wonder why me? We never argued over anything and everything was good between us. I now live in hope that a new man in the future will treasure me more than the last one has!

I don't think people realise the devastation which is caused when a long relationship ends, unless they have been through it. My husband suddenly ended a 30 year relationship 9 years ago. I advise you to take your time to deal with this, don't allow anyone to suggest you should "get over it" more quickly. This is a huge thing, and you will need a lot of support. The pain will get better, but the good thing is you will grow as a person over time. This is an opportunity for you to be the person you really want to be. Take care.

I'm so sorry; OH and I saw my MIL through a similar experience (father worked abroad coming home every other w/e), but always told OH that although there was someone else, he didn't intend to break up the marriage. All was well till we came back from our honeymoon and he expected us to pick up the pieces - we told him that it was his responsibiity to tell MIL the truth. He did, then disappeared. We've seen him once since that day (angry that he and girlfriend saw our baby once, and never showed any interest since). Eventually there was a divorce, but we had to support MIL a lot in the couple of years while their financial affairs were sorted, including spending almost 5 years living with her because she couldn't easily sell her house. There is life after marital breakdown and hope you come through this stronger & happier - give yourself a big hug and tell yourself you're better without him!

Dear Kitspurr so sorry you have to start 2016 with such devastating news. This thread has a lot of participants sharing and giving good ideas. Do hope this has supported you to draw up a plan. Go to Citizens Advice and get a free half hour with a family law solicitor f you have not got one of your own. Get your gp's support and a referral for NHS counselling etc.

Enroll with the University of the 3rd Age they generally do classes as well as trips to the theatre, lunches out etc.

If there is a chance to learn assertiveness skills somewhere I think this might help you.
According to the Maoy Clinic USA
www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2

Advantages of the ablity to be appropriately assertive are:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
Understand and recognize your feelings
Earn respect from others
Improve communication
Create win-win situations
Improve your decision-making skills
Create honest relationships
Gain more job satisfaction
Learning to be more assertive can also help you effectively express your feelings when communicating with others about issues.

All the very best to you Kitspurr may your future be good.

I had all those emotions you mention when me and my ex split after 26 years together. I can now say that it was the best thing that happened to me. I have met people and been places I would never have met or been. I found a job and gained promotion. I enjoy my independence. I like who I am now... Take each day as it comes and think positive...

Yes -life is strange-some lose a loving relationship in death-others in separation unfortunately.Is there something to be said for going back to those toddler/infant days on which the Sun never set I wonder?-although-come to think of it I was never satisfied then either as the toys always broke or became stale.

downtown earth how bad did you think things were and why?

Sorry downtoearth predictive txt ?