Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Celeb As has been said many times, GN is a public forum and anyone is entitled comment on any post.
I commented because I'm actually shocked that you can write something vindictive like that ('let's hope one of your daughters treats you that way') at the same time as maintaining you have an entitlement to see your granddaughters.

It's illuminating in a way, jane. I wonder whether (part of) the aim here is to pursue a relationship with the grand-children in hopes of turning them against their mother. Visiting retribution across the generations, as it were.

Almost biblical, if so.

sounds more like a vendetta going on...

celebgran why post horrible stuff knowing full well that your ed reads this page?? arent you just adding fuel to the fire? you certainly arent going in the right direction for a reconciliation with your ed!

Jenty 61 that will. NEver happen too much hurt and we have moved on with our lives, we worry for welfare of little ones given the fact ed has cut off her entire family and that is rather extreme.

Garlic if you want to be biblical the commandment honour try father and mother springs to mindl

celebgran but you havent 'moved on' you keep dredging it all up....''you say ed has cut off her entire family and that is rather extreme.''
its not extreme at all not when your posting such harsh comments about your ed!
re your grandchildren you say you are worried about their welfare do you know if they are being ill treated? it comes across that you are punishing your ed by your comments which obviously just keep pushing her further away...

Jenty please read just strolling by posts. Most normal people don't cutoff their e tire family parent, siblings, aunts uncles cousins loving godparents etc.

It can't be in interests of the,children to push all that love and supprt away

Even more old friends too have said she no longer in touch with them

So wrong to people to throw comments in when they have no idea and why should they of the full story.

Celeb the 'full story', whatever the truth of it, doesn't justify your vengeful comments.
However provoking someone's actions may be, it's never wise to put yourself in the wrong too.
In fact if your D were to read your earlier comments, it would probably simply reinforce her belief that she had done the right thing in cutting off contact with you.

I'm a little uncomfortable about your last post Celebgran. I am as normal as the next person, I was unlucky to meet and form a relationship with an abuser.

I joined this thread as it seemed there was a possibility your DD is in an abusive relationship similar to mine. In that she has been so cut off from everyone in her family.

If this is true, then she is a victim herself and needs help and understanding.

In my posts I made it clear that your DD may not be being allowed to be in contact with you or respond to gifts.

If you have accepted my posts so strongly that you are going to use them to support you, how can you post that your daughter is being rude not to say thank you?

If your daughter is in an abusive relationship and then reads posts saying you hope her daughters cut her off in her future, I can't imagine how abandoned and isolated she must now feel.

You are right. Cutting off a parent isn't a normal thing. She is either in a deeply abusive relationship OR she has chosen this path herself. It cannot be BOTH.

I am lucky that my relationship with my mother is fully repaired, if not stronger than ever, after what happened. I can't imagine her ever writing such things about me publicly though, she's my MOTHER.

Just strolling I don't actually believe my ed is being co trolled but if she is surely she wouldn't have driven away from her dad?

I will always care about her and wish her well but I am only human and we have,tried so very hard to reach,out to her, she has assassinated my character via legal letter and it is so very very painful to be on receiving end

4 years we drove her 400 mile round trips to uni and I worked in rubbish jobs to give her food money I was proud to do it. however the last 7 years have been an absolute hell and we need draw line in sand as her godfather said,

I am sorry you had such tough time, and appreciated you sharing it. Las t thing want to do is make you feel uncomfortable.

I guess what I don't understand and admit put it badly is how as a mum herself ed
Can put her own mum through such a living hell. There is no pain like it as any estranged mum will tell you.

If we don't stop trying now we will sacrifice what is left of our own lives,
Hope that,makes it clearer just strolling

Celeb, I take it that you're speaking out of your hurt and anger. (((HUGS))) I hope ED will understand that if she reads this page.

I agree that COing a whole family is "extreme." But what I'm wondering is what does it mean? Could mean a couple of things, I think. For one, it could mean that she is being controlled by SIL, as JSB talked about. But if you think that's the case (I'm not sure if you do, but you referenced JSB, so maybe), it's not really her fault and no anger should be directed at her. I may not know the full story, but wouldn't it be better to just let her know that you still love her and are there for her and the kids if ever she's ready to reconnect?

Another possibility I've read on MN and elsewhere is that some people CO those who defend others that they've CO or try to get them to change their minds. So, for example, the godparents kept trying to persuade her to reconnect with you, then she might CO them. Then if, say, an aunt stepped in on behalf of you and the godparents, she might CO the aunt. And so on. So, in that case, it's not so extreme. Or the extreme thing would be one person after another getting after her, even having seen the pattern. Also, IF this is what happened, then while these people meant well, they were just irritating/aggravating her and I can sort of see her pushing them away. Saying things that upset her more won't change that.

And it certainly won't help the kids if you're concerned about them. If you feel the kids need to be reunited with you and the extended family, then first the adult relationships need to be repaired. It's just not going to happen without that.

Is there a clue in what ED said in the support group as to why she distanced you and how you could begin to heal the rift?

But you say that's no longer possible, and I understand (that is, if this CO was truly ED's choice). But then, well, what can I say?...

On a more general note, everybody, since this is a support thread, I think it's not unusual for someone to unload their negative thoughts and feelings here. But it's not unusual either, I've noticed, for even the most supportive posters here to say, "Whoa! You've gone too far!"

Thanks wendysue you spot on ref hurt and anger i do feel that ed being so Ill and still rejecting us has to be the end of road finally.

We are only human.

No her godparents aunt etc didn't ever try to intervene they were wary of making it worse.

Her brother tried for year or so but now feels so upset at me being upset if you follow that he refuses to contact her. He is lovely man and would not knock her back if she contacted him but says has to come from her,

How we were treated when visited after hearing ed so Ill really devastated him. That ed drove away from her dad and we had door slammed in face with poor husband holding orcnid and flowers he felt was despicable his words.

Well GarlicI don't understand being snarky on this post but I do agree that maybe rereading the past posts will help you understand some of us. As for my DD's divorce I have been through all the bad stuff with her. What I feel bad about is that she has two children who will not understand . Maybe I wasn't clear in my post. My GC love their dad and don't understand drugs, drink etc. They will just see the loss. I know my daughter is doing the right thing but Celebgran just reinforced my belief. There is nothing to feel good about in a divorce. I feel bad for my GC, my DD who will now be struggling, and I even feel bad for my SIL who is sick and can't see the truth about himself. No one wins in a divorce when you have small children.
I totally get what Celegranis saying about her ED getting the same treatment. I sort of feel the same way about my ESS. It's only human for us to want to some sort of revenge. No one said it was right , it's how some of us feel. I believe its called Karma.
And as someone mentioned m, what happened to honoring your parents? Or how about having a conversation with them instead of running away and hiding like a scared child?

Or how about having a conversation with them instead of running away and hiding?

These conversations have been attempted, haven't they. When we hear of "character assassinations" and "saying vile things", we're hearing about the times an AC expressed their hurt and anger.

When someone does that to me, of course it's very upsetting and of course there can be a strong urge to either deny everything or retaliate. But the reasonable thing to do is consider why the 'attacker' says what they did - after a cooling down period, perhaps, and after talking to some less involved people about it. If there is some truth there, whether I like it or not, the grown-up thing is to come back and say "You had a point about where I was selfish/thoughtless/rude. Can we talk about that?" Even if I'm of the opinion the 'attacker' was way wide of the mark, I can say "I'm sorry you were hurt by XYZ. Have we had a misunderstanding?"

^ That was too many words! Boiling it down, I mean that "assassinated my character" and "said vile things" aren't informative statements. If all you heard was the person having a go, then you got nothing to work with and you were the one refusing the conversation.

There have been some people in my life who seem unable to 'hear' criticism properly, even after cooling down. It's a distressing experience - in the end, you're faced with a choice between never saying anything that might make them angry or keeping your distance. For your sanity, you have to create a distance. I'm not saying any of the posters here are like that: I don't know them or their relatives. But it does look like the EC tried to have the conversations.

It's even possible that both the GM and the EAC are unable to 'hear' criticism! You'd never get a conversation that way, but the 'fault' would be even on both sides. And either side could have broken the impasse, whether by simply shouting at one another until they were both worn out (!) or making the effort to listen to one another's specific problems.

It's complicated, for sure. But it's not true that nobody tried to explain.

Blimey, that was an essay Sorry.

Garlic, you have obviously spent a great deal of time reading and learning about relationships, and their various outcomes. This is good if it helps you to understand and come to terms with those that have impacted on your life. Not so good, however, to try to adapt that knowledge to those of complete strangers. There is no one size fits all. Psychology is not an exact science. Even the most revered psychologists are actually only expressing their opinions. Yes, based on years of experience, but it is their experience. If you follow the various schools of thought you will see how these eminent men and women disagree with each other.

With the greatest respect, I question your input on these particular threads. Or more to the point, your reasons for same. Are you a grandparent? A parent even? I sense that your posts are causing some of the estranged grandparents to be uneasy. These threads are meant first and foremost to give support. If anything further is needed, then I would hope a qualified therapist would be consulted.

I repeat, no one size fits all, and I say that as someone who has been a psychotherapist for many years. Again "A little knowledge.....oops silly me, learning.....is a dangerous thing"

I really haven''t said anything that your average counsellor or self-help book wouldn't say, Rosy. I'm surprised that, as a professional, you're so defended about it.

Well said Rosyglow. About time someone said that. Too many 'armchair psychologists' now appearing out of the woodwork (oops......)

In my opinion there is now too much crossover from Mumsnet into Gransnet these days.

I am tempted to write, Shoo!

If I seem defensive Garlic, it is only because I have often seen the results of well meaning, but unqualified people dishing out their own brand of "help", with disastrous results.

What I think we are missing on these previous posts is that because people are adults doesn't mean they will act like an adult. We can't expect an AC to admit to being selfish or rude when they haven't been mature enough to look in the mirror and say that they don't like this or that about themselves. It is easier to run away from a problem than to confront it head on isn't it. I want to always improve myself and I always question if I did the right thing. Maybe I'm too analytical but I'm willing to see my faults. For those that don't like confrontation and reality it's hard to do. As for the support and advice given here... well we can choose to take it or not. It's interesting though to hear what others have been through and have to say. I feel supported.

I dont think advice is the right word to use it is peoples own experiences and how they have coped with their estrangement......I know what its like having a daughter cutting herself off from the entire family and it was her choice despite my attempts to build the rift...For obvious reasons I dont give too much detail in my postings ....Of course I still live in hope that she will one day make contact with the family but it was her choice to walk away and I have to respect that wether I like it or not! the door will always be open...

No JentyIf you look back you will see that suggestions or advice IS given on top of those telling their own stories. Why are some people picking on everything someone writes in these posts? I'm getting a little annoyed today at the lack of judgment.

And now that I am fired up ...this is supposed to be a support group not a " knock down and pick apart the words or phrases people say day."