Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Thank you Rhinestone I just watched the video & the abc interview after, it was very interesting. I'm sure I read his book 'When parents hurt', a few years back, must have been on Kindle, as not on my bookcase, so I may re-read or buy if it's not in my Kindle library.
for your 1st year :-'(

I read when parents hurt too still got it Yogagirl.

I find that author Joshua Cole a. bit irritating as he was t really estranged from His daughter and it all turned out OK and so find his comments patronising.

I found video on YouTube about daughter very sad have shared it Yogagirl o. Facebook for T.

How is your friend Yogagirl ? Devastated I would think.

My ex neibor who passed l 7th funeral. not til 18th have just written to family and we will go, it will be so sad with 4 children.

Sorry rhinestone anniversary like that is not good but only a year there is hope,, X

Morning Celebgran
I'm reading the book now on Kindle, Skipped a bit that wasn't relevant, I'm finding it very interesting, how he says that the adult child cuts you out to show he/she is an adult! I'll see if I can view the clip you put on FB. I'm actually fed up reading things on this subject, 3.5yrs is enough! Reading a nice book last thing at night called 'Poisonwood Bible' about missionarys in Africa, as I lived there for 6yrs, I can picture it all and understand what they are talking about, I find it very interesting & funny, unusual book! If I read about alienation before sleep, it gives me nightmares!

Warn you Yogagirl will make you cry will try share it again if not look on my page.

Off acquacise now. ??

Good Morning and I hope everyone will have a good day. Well I went to my podiatrist and he took X rays of my foot. It seems like my ligament came away from the bone taking a chip with it. Ouch! So I still have to be in that boot for a few more weeks. Boy all this from falling into a boat.
It's early here in the states and I'm listening to my DH snore wondering why men can sleep through any worries or circumstance while I'm up trying to solve the problems of the world. Well at least the problems of estrangement. I just cannot fathom the fact that children do this to parents who weren't abusive to them. It's been a year but I still can't wrap my head around it. Are they proud of themselves or do they feel bad for what they are doing but just can't bring themselves to confront us and say they are sorry? My friend who works with my ESS says she can't look at him anymore knowing what is going on. She will retire in two years and says if we are not reconciled by then she has to say something to him. I have known this woman for fifty years and I have never known her to be this mad for me.
I am mad enough for all of us here. Will this ever go away? Thanks all of you for thinking of me on this anniversary . Wish it were something to actually celebrate.

I've been looking through here and saw a couple of comments addressed to me that I must have missed. So I'm replying to them now.

Yoga, you asked me if I've ever been on mumsnet. No, I haven't, but I have looked at one or two other parent/DIL sites and yes, I've seen some stuff about COs. A few times I've read really hairraising stories of abuse, either physical or mental, and I can't blame the AC for pushing the guilty parent out of their lives. But mostly, I've seen stuff about repeated offenses (in the younger person's eyes) and "last straw" incidents. Often it's, "I told my mother/MIL several times to stop criticizing how I raise my kids. But she keeps doing it, so now I've cut back/cut out the visits." Or, "We've had a lot of talks with DH's/my parents about following our rules with our kids, but they persist in breaking them. Last month, MIL/FIL/GPs broke (fill-in-the-rule). It was the last straw! We haven't seen them since"

So most of the time, it seems like a build up of tensions over time. I don't know if that reflects anybody's situation here though.

Rhinestone, in a reply to me, you said what upset you about SD were her several lies. I don't blame you! I've noticed there are some people who think that when they don't know what to do, the best thing is to lie. I have a feeling your SD is one of them. Foolish young woman! Sad...

It's also sad how the estrangement is widening through no fault of DH's. Why do people like your ESS have to try to tear others apart, too? I'll never understand that! My heart goes out to DH (and you and DD, also).

Oh, and I never see them say their spouse "made them do it" or that they made their spouse do it. They always say it was a "decision we made together." But who knows?

They often spend a lot of time talking about how they got their spouse to "see" their viewpoint. Or how they went for counseling and worked it out there. So obviously, there is some spousal influence.

Celebgran only just seen your warning re the clip and yes it did make me cry! My friend is in bits, re her husbands sudden death age 55yrs!. They were together since they were 17yrs & knew each other at 14yrs! Having a business together makes it all the more hard!

Rhinestone Och! re your foot, hope it heals quickly. I don't think this alienation hits fathers as hard as the mothers, after all we gave birth to them and suckled them.

Wendysue it's definitely my nasty s.i.l & his mother that brainwashed my once loving, close D into cutting off from us, she wouldn't have done it on her own. Reading that above mentioned book sheds new light on the subject.

Smilelesss hope you're OK

for all

So sad, Yogagirl... so sad...

I'd love to think that no one could have brainwashed me into cutting off my parents. We had our issues, but there was so much good, as well, and, of course, lots of love. I can see opting for more "space," and I did, at one point, but completely COing them? No.

But I guess if you (general) are around certain people every day and they keep talking your parents down and giving you "reasons" why you need to break away from them, it could happen... shudder... Again, I'm so sorry...

About Joshua Coleman - I watched the video, too, out of interest. And read some excerpts of his work online. I agree it's very good though I worry about the idea of continuing to contact an AC cuz of concerns about a RO. I'm also not sure I buy the idea of AC cutting parents off, just to show that they're adults. That sounds to me like a dad who still hasn't fully accepted that his DD is an adult, even though their relationship is better now. When I sought more space from my parents, years ago, it was cuz they weren't treating me as an adult and I needed to get away from that to clear my head and figure out how to handle it. It wasn't to prove to them that I was an adult. And DH and I had our own home and so forth, so it had nothing to do with that. If I had CO them completely, it also would have been to remove myself from the situation, not to make a statement about it.

But that's me. I realize it may not be the same for everyone. And I'm NOT suggesting that anybody here failed to treat their ED or ES or their spouses as adults. Just expressing how MY experience differed from what Coleman is saying.

I haven't read any more of the book, as I won't read it at night, so little time other than before sleep to read, bit I will do. My s.i.l being a drug addict, skunk & cocaine [that I know of] makes him rant, on and on, so I can see how that would wear you down & eventually brainwash you, I have always said I could never be brainwashed to do that to my M&D or S&B, I would leave!

I wrote to David Eagleman of 'The brain' channel four and asked: 'If a brainwashed person can get their mind back, lift the brainwashing over time, even if still with the brainwasher?' I would love to hear back with an answer!

TGIF ladies I haven't posted all week but I've been reading; it's just been a very strange week for me, not sure why but it seemed to start after Mr. S. and I watched the link Rhinestone put on, thanks by the way he's very good and insightful.

So much of what he said supported the conclusions we'd made about her role in this mess and as I was watching it I felt OK but once it was over and I started thinking about everything I began to feel really down. I've always thought that even if we knew why this has happened, it wouldn't make any difference, wouldn't make it any easier to cope with, but I suppose I'd never considered how crap it would make me feel, having our suspicions confirmed as far as they can be and knowing that there's not a damn thing we can do about it, and there never was. The war was lost before we even knew it had begun.

On a brighter noteMr. S. and I went out for lunch on Wednesday to Scarborough and drove past a beautiful house that was for sale. A mid terrace, 3 story town house, with big beautiful cemi circular bay windows and I said that was a house I could live in. We parked the car and set off to walk down the sea front and there was the estate agents that was selling the house so went in and got the details and it looked pretty good.

We drove past on the way home and stopped to have a better look. I could tell from the photo's it wasn't being lived in and as we were looking through the window the owner turned up and let us inside. As soon as I walked in I fell in love with it. We're going again for another look on Wednesday and all being well will make an offer and if it's accepted we'll put ours on the market.

This is pretty huge ladies, never thought we'd find a house we'd love enough to leave this one and if we do decide to take the plunge it could mean that we never have to lay eyes on them ever again. I mustn't get ahead of myself I know but it would be wonderful if we moved, it could be a new chapter in our lives and enable us to put the last painful one behind us.

to get your weekend off to a good start.

How exciting Smileless to fall in love with a house like that and just know it's for you. It will be a big project, the move and decorating and probably just what you could do with. Hope you go for it. I am still looking for the right place and will know as soon as I see it that's it I want it. Really want to leave this house that used to be so happy as it is empty without the ones I love.
Joshua Cole came over to me as smug and I just couldn't relate to him, wanted to tell him to stop walkng around and look at his audience and I felt he put all the blame and solutions on the parents, if it were only so simple. However he seems to help others do it is probably just me. Yogagirl, I listen to the Archers on the radio, or should I say used to, it is all about a clever, articulate women being brainwashed and having all her confidence taken away, by the creep she married, there is nothing her close family can do as they think the sun shines of their manipulative sil. I had to stop tuning in as it was so creepy and controlling that it upset me. Ultimately the sil has alienated her from her friends and her family so she is reliant on just him. I really feel for anyone in that situation, it seems it has to run its course until the victim gets the courage to break free.

Morning Smileless nice you're back. How strange about that house, like it is meant to be! Life by the sea would be lovely, my dream, even though I'm only 20mins from sea here. Yes the video & book are upsetting, I've stopped reading everything under the sun on this subject now, it just fills up your brain & makes for another sad day! so I only read pleasant stuff now. I am reading the book though, read a little yesterday on my day off skipping lots, as, as you say S makes no difference now! and yes the war was lost to us before we knew it had began!

Good question, Yoga! Hope you get an answer and share it with us!

Smileless, that sounds wonderful! The way you feel about the house and the fact that if you get it, this will make your estrangement easier to bear. I so hope it all works out!

Thank you for that Luckylegs about the Arches, I'd like to listen to it but too late now, wouldn't know where to start! Our post must have crossed as I've only just seen it

Had a busy day yesterday, two classes, then babysat my delicious GD I had two females crying on my shoulder yesterday, my friend who lost her husband through heart attach last Sunday and then in the morning one of my students who's husband left her for her 'best' friend!! I said to her 'bad things happen to good people!'

Morning ladies.

More stress I now have floater in left eye and feeling very low and upset about it. G took me to hospital they referred me eve clinic, not serious unless I see flashing lights apparently. It is just so upsetting.

Smilelss so pleased you found a lovely house I think it may well be good idea to move to different place it must be strain so close to Es.
Well done for that sorry you felt Down.

Luckylegs you not alone i feel Joshua Coleman very smug and pretending to have gone through a lot when I. Reality his daughter is not estranged at all it was never in same league as our sad stories. Also this business of tiptoeing round Estranged children like only they matter and caring parents are totally unimportant to be treated like rubbish.
Mmmmm not my kind of philosophy.

I had few tears today as such a strain yesterday waiting round in hospitals and part of. ME still misses T regarding when serious stuff happens she used to be so close in old days.

Her godparents coming for meal so keep cancelling them so get it over with ??

Poor husband keeps trying be supportive but he has no idea how upset I am having this black thing wizzing over left eye.
Nothing can be done apparently age related?

Our dear elderly neibor and friend Joanne offered write T again seems little point but didn't WA r hjrtnhernfeelkngs, she also offers to go knock on her door yo uncertainly find out your friends and T godparents are not in That category, if I had t known her so long would let is slide.

Hope Sunday pans out good for you all and some will help tonight ??

Had a busy day today, already 'spoken' to Celebgran so wont repeat.

Had another tearful female today, gave me a big box of chocs & a lovely Thank you card, with lovely words in, saying .... you are the absolute best yoga teacher... will keep that card, as when you have had such rotten, terrible things said to you by your once beloveds, that a pierce your heart, it means so much to hear something nice said about you for a change.

In my next class, I had a new student, lovely young healthy looking girl, I always ask new students, if they have any health problems I should know about, even when they look really healthy, this young girl had MS! she was there with her mum. So surprising, the things folk have wrong with them and you would never realise; broken neck, back all sorts!

From there I went to visit my mums resting place, as it is her b/day today. Popped into Aldi to get some flowers, as it was nearby, it was mobbed!

My poor little Lilly didn't do too well with her walkies today, just a walk up the rd. and back as I felt too tired to go to the park.

Happy Sunday

Aaghnyogagirl sad day remembering your mum

Dinner party went well but huge row with dh before guess I am under so much strain, what with knee, h AIDS then this damn floater!
No excuse he does t deserve. ME losing the plot.?

Was good evening one ting about t godparents they are so appreciative.
It is pleasure to cook for them.

Off bed now.

Oh poor you CelebI can't imagine how frustrating that must be, do you just have to wait for your eye to clear up on its own? I thought of how wonderful ES used to be when I lost my little cat; he'd have been so sweet and would have given me a big hug if things were the way they used to be. Glad you enjoyed your evening with T's God parents and had a better end to your weekend.

How nice Yogagirl, it's lovely to know that you're appreciated isn't it. I wonder what your mum would have thought of what's happened with your ED; I often wonder what my gran would have made of it all.

I've had a really busy day today, 2 classes at the gym this morning and then spent the rest of the day painting the study. It really needed doing and we bought the paint before we saw the house last week so I thought I might as well get on with it. Mr. S.did the ceiling yesterday and I'd decided to do 2 of the walls in a fab ox blood red. Yep, really good idea, don't get me wrong it looks great but needed 3 coats, thank goodness the other 2 walls just need a fresh coat of magnolia so at least one coat will see them done.

Trying to think about 'the house' too much but really looking forward to seeing it again on Wednesday; oh well what will be will be (just hope it will be the be that I want it to be)

Sadly smilelss it won't clear up it may get less obvious but specialist said they dont go away?Feel quite low about it whatever next??

I don't think Sunday looming Mother's Day will help much but Gra has booked take me for lunch and we planning buying some champagne from marks as half price from tomorrow I like that one so got keep cheerful.

Also got day out see Anton and Erin. Dance at Southend, shame can't see Yogagirl while we there ??

Well done s illness. On decorating.
I lost another 1lb is long haul.
Then we went for lunch and chose some new nets keeping positive.

My dear husband got me breakfast In Bed first he is such good man after me upsetting him so yesterday when I lost the plot.?

Celebregran, the problem with your eye sound like when I had PVD (posterior vitreous detachment) when it happened to me I thought I was going blind with flashing lights and everything, I got checked out at the Eye Hospital and was told it was age related and would get used to these floaters caused by the Jelly at the back of the eye becoming detached. After 4 years I can see floaters all the time but have learnt to live with it, do I hope you will get used to it in time.

Thanks luckylegs you may had had worse trouble than me, as I have not had any retina detachment, or flashing lights. Did you have laser treatment. For that?
They told em age related and i would get used to it hopefully seeing optician in 3 weeks hope he is more helpful specialist was bit abrupt as he has fitted me in as emergency.

Sadly it made. ME quite down as always thinks of T my ed When stuff goes wrong stupid as she doesn't care just old habits I guess.

Anyway had an amazing day today absolutely loved the Anton and Erin got a dance at Southend theatre it was brilliant, fantastic 18 piece orchestra too.
Nice lunch and bit retail good day! Worth the ticket price which was bit steep.

Hope Yogagirl and smiless and rhinestone too doing ok. How is foot now rhinestone ?

Oooh, you are keeping busy Celeb, so pleased you had a great evening; it isn't easy getting on with other things and keeping positive but it is the only way.

Speaking of 'getting on' Mr. S.and I went for a second viewing yesterday and I'm still in love with the house but Mr. S. is right, there are some issues with access in particular that don't seem to be easily overcome. However, it so happens that there's another estate agents opposite so we looked in there and hey presto, another house, quite possibly even better than the other one; certainly bigger. It even has a drawing room!!! Of course, the fact that we're even considering it could mean that we've finally totally lost the plot. Why else would we have booked to view it next week, a house that is quite a bit bigger than the one we have now where we raised our family.

The problem is, we've done a lot to this one and due to the extensions and converting the garage, we have a lot of downstairs living space and to get similar means going BIG. We haven't totally disregarded the first and have decided to put ours up for sale to see what happens.

ES is going to get quite aI should think. Funnily enough, a lady who lives a few doors down and who attends one of the classes I go to overheard me telling a friend we were thinking of moving, and after she'd asked me about it she said "what a shame". I thought it was an odd thing to say at the time but thinking about it, she probably knows ES wont have anything to do with us and that we don't have anything to do with our grandchildren, well people do talk don't they and it's difficult to keep everything secret when you live in a village.

Forgot to say, the postman delivered a card today all the way from Oz which I wont be opening until Sunday, and the first line of the address wasn't Mrs. ........, it just says Mum; isn't that sweet.