1st Grandchild's Christening

My Ex has contacted my daughter in law regarding this snd his response is as follow -
The response on fb "his mother has told me that her fella is going I cannot be in the same room as him as I know I will not b able to control my feelings so I won't be able to make it, I never want to fall out with you or my sons so going stay away.

My DIL conversation with me was " Well its up to him. He's been asked to attend? He's trying to emotionally blackmail. Probably hoping he will guilt us into getting S not to come. Not happening"

She went on to say she feels for my son and luckily my granddaughter as is not old enough to be effected by it. She will probably ask questions when she's older. What happens when she has parties or gets married?

She hasn't replied to his message and will be advising it's his choice, should he change his mind he's welcome to attend.

I found out recently that my Ex has more or less only seen my granddaughter egg. I've invited him to take her out with me for a few hours, he rarely asks after her. I now see it that he uses my granddaughter to have contact with me and I will now be withdrawing from my invites that were made in an effort to be a 'normal' family.

My OH is known as Grampa snd my Ex as Grandad.

As its been said what us her going to do when further family functions arise now he is setting a presidence?

Our second granddaughter is due at the end of this month also, fathered by another of our sons

It's good that your daughter in law sees her father in law's behaviour for what it is.

I disagree with the view that somehow a "blood" relation has "rights" despite their dreadful behaviour. Children have rights and their parents and other relatives, particularly grandparents have responsibilities, or duties. One of the most important things adult family members can do for children is to model what put simply is 'good' behaviour. It sounds as though this particular crisis has resolved itself. Given his behaviour, your decision not to spend time with him and your granddaughter is wise. As a number of others have advised, minimise any contact you have with him. Leave any invitations and decision making around those invitations to your sons and daughters in law. He needs to grow up doesn't he.

I do think these situations are awful and you must feel like you can't win whatever you do. I think I would have another word with your son and DIL and explain that you and your new partner would love to attend the christening but you do not want to put them in a difficult position. Let them say that if his father decides not to attend that is his decision. I have just attended my grandsons christening and my son in laws parents were in a similar position to you. The grandad (the innocent party) attended the church service and sat with a family member. When the service was over he left. He had explained to his son and DIL what he was going to do prior to the christening and he made it clear to them that attending the church service was more important to him than the after party. I must say he left looking very dignified. Good luck

millymolly so pleased to hear that your DDIL is so astute. Now just keep out of it all, relax and enjoy. Be the best GM that you can be and make sure your family relationships are as solid as you can make them.

And another little DGD on the way too! More congratulations to you all.

OP, you've mentioned that 6 members of your ex's family may stay away 'in solidarity'. Would your son/DIL want them there? After all, they are presumably his aunts/uncles/grandparents? That's pretty poor behaviour on their part, would they actually stay away, or would they attend if appealled to personally?

I don't think they will be approached personally based now on my Ex's comments that they won't attend if he doesn't this confining his behaviour and making him a martyr.

My DIL has said great uncles and wives wouldn't be invited in any respect now as 1 uncle & partner has not even seen her and the other couple saw her just after her birth at GGP's home when they took her to visit, uncle & rife used the visit as selfie opportunity for FB, no cards or gifts celebrating her birth have been received.

My Ex in laws therefore have seen her once when she was taken to visit them, they are both mobile and active.

My DIL has said the important people will be there. If my Grandaughter means enough to people then they will make the effort

Tribalism and stupid clannishness lives on.

That's not a comment on you, milly, just the sillies from your Ex's side of the tribe. Enjoy the christening.

I agree with you thatbags - so very silly but so very common unfortunately. Thank goodness millymolly's dil has got her head well and truly screwed on. Sounds like a great gal to me. Hope all goes well and a really lovely day is had by all attending

I would advise the parents to take the baby to the church with just the godparents, and sod all the ridiculous squabbling oldies.

milly despite what I said earlier about it being his decision to attend or not, I do have some sympathy for your ex. It's all very well us saying to you that he should accept that your partner has also been invited, but if he truly believes your partner is to blame for your marriage ending, then I can understand why he doesn't want to be in his company. Even if as you say, he has admitted to his failings as a husband and father, 30 years is a long time to be a couple. I can imagine his pride has taken a bashing knowing not only have you chosen to be with your new partner, it's clearly working out well for you and the rest of your family. To make matters worse, he's had a number of unsuccessful relationships, so he's not in a great place compared to you.

I do wonder if the situation might be different if you had remarried, as this would have drawn a line under your marriage to him. Although you are divorced, a couple married as long as you were have a lot of history together, and it's not until one of you remarry that things truly move on to a new stage in your lives. I saw this happen with my parents.

I'm not saying you shouldn't stick to your guns, especially as only you know the level of emotions going on right now, but it might make a difference if someone he respects had a quiet word with him about whether or not he really wants it to be like this from now on, because if he doesn't change his mind he's going to be cutting off his nose to spite his face. Just an idea.

Hello and congratulations on the birth of your grandchild! Such a happy time and yet a family occasion which is the first of many family celebrations to come... with baggage from the past. Speaking from experience, no one wants a scene. As people age they have issues, especially health issues which often lead to oversensitivity, which in turn can expand into deep emotional issues. The emotional health of everyone is at a turning point here. No one wants to create a crisis where walls are built and the family is divided. If yours is anything like my situation, I survived a stressful 20+ year marriage, with a husband who was impossible to live with, only to enter into my 40s with broken health and almost didn't make it. I ended my marriage just to cope with life. My adult kids could not forgive me and grew distant, preferring my ex with his new super wife. I could not cope with this new family arrangement where I was now a persona non grata. I lived in another city trying to educate myself to become self-supporting in spite of my health issues; and could not see my adult kids regularly. Even my new daughter-in-law was closer to my ex's new wife than to me. I was the outsider. Now I cannot go to family gatherings because she has replaced me with my own adult kids and only grandchild, and now with my daughter-in-law. For mother's day she is honoured over me. I choose to stay out because it would become heart-attack material to be present where I am not wanted. My ex is a deeply religious individual and yet this is not extended to me, the mother of his children. He has taught our kids by his example to put his new wife ahead of me, his children's mother. There must be some kind of lesson in this, not sure where it can lead, but when there is a hurting parent, where there is no support, it leaves an unhealthy pattern of disrespect and ultimately to a family division. Ask yourself this: do you want to alienate your ex from his adult kids? Do you encourage them to be equally loving to their dad? Would you be happy if your ex disappeared from your kids' lives? If he is feeling insecure have you made him feel that way? He has feelings and whether you agree, he has expressed them and perhaps they need to be dealt with in another way with a counsellor. He does not seem to be happy in his life, perhaps is alone without a happy relationship as you have (if you were alone and he brought a new partner how would you feel about that), and most likely feels humiliated about the past. All the best to you and may everyone have a happy ending in this one!

Yes, this is a hard one, for sure. I agree that there needs to be something done to make the ex the grandfather feel comfortable at his family's gathering. He should not feel unwelcomed but loved and accepted.

He has been invited, as has your new partner, and has refused, so I'd leave it at that.

If your son and daughter- in- law were upset that he wouldn't be there, it might be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If he's really keen to be part of his granddaughter's life he'll see that he'll just have to make the effort.

They are grownups. Why should they need handling with kid gloves? Just declare it open house, and let those that want to come, come, and those that don't, stay away.

As regards food, freeze any that turned out to be not wanted, and have yourselves another party later on.

A Christening is not really the time or place for this kind of thing. Remember what it's about?

I find it uncomfortable judging this man when all we know is he was married for thirty years , then divorced and ex wife now living with a man who she knew before the divorce and the ex husband believes the lover was the cause of the divorce , he may be a horrid man, he may be a man who has not yet come to terms with the end of his marriage and his ex wife living with another man, easy to say he should accept and move on but not easy to do

Hoping it's all working out as per your DDIL sensibly is handling. as regards the comment about ex being hurt and it was a 30 year marriage. someone said to my ex, who was behaving in similar sort of way, no-one walks away from a happy situation. So wise and so true. So that puts his behaviour squarely in controlling technique and not be tolerated.

Have a lovely, peaceful, happy day milly molly.

I hope there are people reading this thread who will realise that there is no magic easy answer to ending a marriage, especially a long one involving children (whatever their ages). People often have an idea in their mind about how wonderful their lives would be if they weren't married, yet for most people that vision includes a new 'untested' partner who often turns out to be pretty much like the last one after the first few heady years are over! Then you are left with the children's weddings, Christmases, christenings, grandchildren's birthdays etc, all those family occasions which should have been wonderful but are marred because you aren't a 'proper' family anymore. I know so many ex marriages where at least one of the couple is very unhappy years after their marriages broke up.

I'm not getting at you personally Millymolly! I'm divorced myself and happy with a new partner but it would have been lovely if we could have had joint children and grandchildren, nothing beats that.

The one regret I have is that I don't have joint grandchildren. OH is brilliant with them and they call him Uncle Grumps! He's never had his own so hats off to him. Second husband was a brilliant stepfather while their own father was pretty hopeless. I had been looking forward to being almost joint GP with 2nd who for various reasons is now totally estranged from me and I intend to keep it that way, he does see my DGCs quite regularly which I don't have a problem with. Now 1st ex and I do get together when we can with our DCs and DGCs very amicably. But it is not the same as with my longterm married friends with joint grandchildren. It all gets very complicated.

I'm also a newbie millymolly, so hello and welcome.
Stick to your guns I say.
My ex husband (25 yrs since) used to make ultimatums like that, telling me I couldn't take my children on holiday if my partner came, sulking at birthday parties if my partner was there etc. etc.
Recently my daughter married and asked my partner to give her away instead of her Dad because she realised that my partner had been the one who'd always acted like a grown up and been there for her, whereas after a few years of sulking (even though he had a new wife!) my ex decided to take himself off to live hundreds of miles away and rarely saw the children - his loss, silly man.
Your ex will either have to accept the situation and get on with his own life or end up alienating his children and grandchildren - his decision and not your problem!
Enjoy the Christening and your new grandchild x

Definitely call his bluff ! Your partner has, as you say, financially helped your family so it would be a real snub and very hurtful if you exclude him from the Christening. It is definitely your ex husband's choice and as three years have elapsed since your divorce you and he have no connection - apart of course through your children. If they are ok with it, then you have no reason to feel guilty.

Again I think there is judgement against a man no one here knows, if the boyfriend has helped the sons with money in the last three years, how many years did their father support them , we just do not know.

If I had divorced I wouldn't be happy with my grandchildren calling my ex husbands girl friend grandma

I think I agree with you actually Anniebach. But he is bringing it on himself by not attending.

Perhaps he should be gently persuaded by kind words.

Perhaps Jingle, but he may feel somethings are for him unforgivable , he could grit his teeth and sit there I suppose , I don't know if I could , just don't know, but being judgemental I think perhaps the boyfriend could stay away and allow the grandfather to attend , I think I would

Yes. I agree with that ab.