should the children be more important than the relationship

I think perhaps today mums are just as keen as dads to get time away from their offspring. Perhaps leaving a child in nursery when you return to work makes you tougher and much less inclined to think no-one else can look after your child. Mums now leave young children with their father whilst they enjoy a spa day or even a weekend away. Dads have much more involvement with very young babies and are often equally responsible for their care. So perhaps both parents want time together.

I did change my name on gransnet early on because i forgot my password and had to re-register. GN would not let me use the same name. Perhaps something like that happened to Ethelbags? Anyway we never left our children until they were lot older eg 10, 14 and 16 as there was no one able to look after them (grandparents in poor health) but did go out for evenings with babysitters - i think it's really important to nurture relationship between husband and wife. DH And I are still very happy together After 46 years. Having said that we did look after our 4 yr old grandaughter for a week when her brother was having a serious operation. Mostly she was good and happy but we did have a few tears for Mummy . She became very clingy with her Mum for a while after that( shed been looked after by a variety of other people too for several weeks)

This is not a mathematical equation, as the elements are variable, and priorities change with circumstances. Sometimes the child/children will take priority over the relationship/partner, and vice versa. This is not a "cop-out" answer, it merely recognises that being part of a family is always a balancing act.... all the best Circuses have them... :-)

Well done ethel for opening an interesting debate and reading everyone's points of view regarding their family relationships.

My conclusion is there is no right way or wrong way, all families work it out as suits them best. Those who have not moved far away from their families think that they have the best relationships, but it is not necessarily true. With work and travel, DC and DGC may not be physically close but they can still be close in our hearts.

Some believe that the only way to bring up a confident, happy child is to let them stay with GPs, other family or friends. It isn't the only way and my DC are proof of that. There was no-one to look after them and DH worked away, i don't remember needing a break from them or the need to nurture our relationship [very 'newspeak'!), we didn't go away without them for 15 years when DMIL volunteered one weekend.

Thanks ethel, enjoy your weekend and don't fall out of any trees!!

Must admit my DD goes away with her partner child free more than I ever did I would of felt guilty not spending the time and money on the children having said that they have a good relationship and it doesn't see to bother my GS that much depending on what present they promise on their return.

You are right J. Like I said, my two did, on occasion, have the tears at bedtime, especially the older one. But they're both fine now. Couldn't have done them any harm really.

We are very good at creating storms in teacups on Gransnet aren't we!

I like it when DS & DDiL have a weekend away. I get my DGC to myself for the weekend. DiL is with them full time so I reckon she needs a break. It's a win- win .
Just enjoy them & give them special Grandma time.

Oh dear what a hornets nest. Am just intrigued what the reaction would be if mum and dad needed to be absent for medical reasons, or is that so different?

This child is blessed with a grandparent who can care but with respect appears A little lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high. Projection of our own feelings onto a situation and how we would personally resolve an issue, or what is right or wrong is not always helpful.

..... And I think Ethelbags sounds dreadful too, so with you on that one.

Apart from one, who is grownup anyway, all ours live at the other side of the world. So I hardly ever get asked to babysit.
Except when oldest grandson was born, they asked me to come to Kuwait to look after the 6 week old baby. They had to go back to work, and their live-in Nanny had to return to Goa because of a bereavement. I hope I didn't ruin his development!
To add to all the other comments, I think the old arrangement of the extended family all living together is a good arrangement. There's always an adult around, and the other adults are free to go to work, or away for a few days, as they share the childcare. The child has the benefit of learning to adapt to a variety of loving people.
The nuclear family is prone to so many risks - death, divorce, unemployment - whereas in the extended family those are shared.

Maybe the men shouting for attention had a mother who made them number 1over their partners and now they want it from their own partners. Everyone needs attention and many relationships founder after the children leave home because the husband/wife bond has not been nurtured

It is very important for a couple to spend time with each other, if they have reliable,capable carers- who better than grandparents- they should take the opportunity to have time away. The children grow up and move away. Parents are left to grow old together and this relationship needs to be worked at. From someone married for over 50 years

I would never have dreamt of going away without my children, I would have missed them too much. The happiest times of my life were spent with them & I have memories I cherish.
They grow up so very fast & then there is plenty of time to go away with your partner/husband.
I remember the first time I went away with my husband when our children were in their later teens & stopped wanting to come with us, I felt quite sad remembering the last time we were at the same place with them when they were younger, it just wasn't the same. Of course, I got more used to it after that first time & have had some lovely little breaks/holidays with my husband.
Having children is a blessed gift & we should treasure each moment we have with them. My heart goes out to those who cannot have them.

I never managed a whole weekend with under 3s but once the older child was 6 (younger 3), Grandparents collected them once a year and took both of them on the train to Devon where they lived for a week. They asked if they could, children were excited and we got time off for romance, decorating, etc. 45 years on, DH and I welcome the distant DGC to stay in the summer. It seemed to work for us.

My gorgeous grand son has had weekends with us on his own since he was two years old. Last half term, he spent a week with us, aged 4. He wasn't home sick, we loved having him to ourselves and his parents had a bit of a rest and time with the baby. Win, win. My children didn't have the benefit of having grandparents, so we need to enjoy and give as much as we can.

" Izabella Fri 12-Feb-16 11:46:47

..... And I think Ethelbags sounds dreadful too, so with you on that one."

Eh???! I hope you just mean the name.

Again quoting Madame Snooty Izabella

"This child is blessed with a grandparent who can care but with respect appears A little lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high. Projection of our own feelings onto a situation and how we would personally resolve an issue, or what is right or wrong is not always helpful.

What does that even mean? Who else's feeling are we supposed to use?

ethel/reiki - you really do hate men don't you!! I don't - I think they are great!

Reikilady. Do you practice Reiki on men?
And I have to say that I think your a little bit jealous of your Daughters relationship.

I think everybody is entitled to their opinion about choosing to go away without their children. The reason I was so taken aback with Ethel's posts is her saying

I informed my late husband that once we had our child he was in second place and all my life was centred around DD

If the male is such a spoiled brat that he demands his partners attention then I think it is a mistake to be with him.

After children leave home I think its a time for yourself not to spoil a self centred grumpy old man who wants a mother substitute which is what most men are.

I see older couples every day going shopping together, going out and I feel it is not my scene, I like my freedom Im glad I dont have a man hanging on to me like a big toddler.

These thoughts are hardly a normal view of marriage and I'm not surprised so many people have taken offence.

She hasn't posted on this thread since Wednesday night, when she made all of her posts. I wonder why. I feel very sad that she should feel this way.

Perhaps Ethelbags original post was a joke or a wind up???!
If not and she is serious I hold with the views of Wilma above.

Well, she certainly got everyone going, didn't she mumofmadboys

As for Izabella's post, it sounds more like a computer generated reply than from a real person. Remember those awful school reports given out at the end of year 11 before sixth form? They were generic, computer generated clap trap.
lacking in insight at the moment with feelings running high Que? Can't see any feelings running high in the OP, but plenty in subsequent posts . The OP is just puzzled that parents of a small child need 'me time' by the sounds of it, as many of our generation did not.

MaryEJB nice sensible post.

I'm not surprised so many people have taken offence
Not sure why anyone would take offence though WilmaK, those are ethel's views, and other people have different ones, which is fair enough, and if we were all the same it would be a very boring world indeed!

sorry, didn't mean to highlight it, will get used to and soon

My DH must be a rare case. He always put our 2 children above anyone else. He said that as long as I treated them right we would get along with no problems. Although this meant that if he disagreed with how I did things he would criticise me.