A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

Shazmo, part of me also thinks exactly the same thing.

I am putting myself in the son's shoes. If I were him, how would I feel about being told? I think once over the shock, it wouldn't be too bad, because he'd experienced two parents bringing him up with love. Then as an adult he could decide whether to do some searching or accept that the man who'd always been good to him hadn't let him down. It might, as others have mentioned, help him appreciate our friend a bit more.

Or of course, there could be profound psychological trauma!

Would our friend feel guilty rather than relieved once he'd told him, and feel awful for letting down his late wife?

Who'd be an Agony Aunt!

Day6. I believe that every child (or person) has a right to know who their biological parents are even if they are dreadful criminals or whatever. This in effect would comfirm your friend as the stepfather. Surely your friend knows who the biological father is, or knows people who would know. Yes, of course it could be devastating to both of them and perhaps speaking to his GP, with planned counselling, could be a way forward. Your friend took the son on, with all its responsibilities, and I see the only way forward is the truth, which could have a positive effect on their relationship in the long run. Living this lie has gone on for far too long and only fair to the son.

I would want to know. I wouldn't love my father any less.
He has respected the mother's wishes and now, after her death, should be able to set the record straight.

What if the mother hinted at it or even told the son? Maybe he knows and so just uses him for cash. Maybe not but knowing would help him to perhaps make sense of the distance they now share. I think he should tell him. He is a grown man. He has a right to know about himself and the mother should have told him instead of mis-treating the man who helped her... and her son.

I think he should be told. If he isn't, how then will he be able to truly answer questions about any genetic health problems that may arise. We've all been asked those over the years - 'does any one in your family suffer from this that and the other'. If the son can trace his biological father he will also be able to track down biological grandparents and other relatives. So, however much it's going to hurt, I think he should be told.

Has anyone considered this dilemma from the point of the biological father and subsequent family he may now have: does he realise he has a son? This could be a shattering experience for his family , all supposing he married, discovering a 30yr old child/sibling. There have been several TV programmes documenting such reunions and not all are by any means welcome or successful. there can be bitterness and resentment. I was adopted at 3 weeks old (apparently a wartime "one night stand" and although it may be useful to have any family knowledge in respect of health issues, I could not bring myself to seek out my biological mother ( father unknown) in case it brought distress and a rift in any family she may have since had. I have never felt the need to run this risk.

And telling him means him learning both parents lied to him

I'm going to go with the idea that info about the bio dad is key. If it's not available, what's the point?

IMO, Day6, your coworker was used by this woman. And that's unfortunate. But he allowed it to happen. Besides, it's not the young man's fault (and he is a "young man," not a "boy").

A lot, I think, has to do with motive here, especially if info about bio dad isn't available. If their relationship is strained, coworker may feel the young man would be relieved to find out the truth. But if C is just looking for an easy way to stop the sponging, IMO, that's just cruel - and cowardly! He should have started saying "no" some years ago!

The young man is now 30 and, hopefully self-supporting. If not, IMO, C should work out an agreement with him about what he will/won't pay for. If/once the younger man has his own income, he needs to live within his own means.

Besides, telling him the truth won't necessarily stop the requests for handouts. This is the man the younger guy is used to turning to and that may not end so quickly. If it does, that may be a nice fringe benefit of letting the skeleton out. But, in the main, this should NOT be about money.

Sometimes kinder to let sleeping dogs lie. Truth can sometimes be hard to live with. If this man was prepared to allow himself to be named as the Father then it is similar to be an adoptive parent and supercedes the original circumstances.

Such a shame the mother didn't do the right thing and tell him herself. She is the one with the answers and he's going to have lots of questions he wants answering, and only she had those answers.I feel this will make him angry/ and frustrated. But I do think he deserves to know.

I think he should be told due to the potential health benefits (genetics) and so forth. He may well be able to trace his biological father with a bit of digging or even using a Private Detective. Also, it sounds like your friend has had a miserable life. Maybe he needs someone to talk to in order to give him the confidence to stand up to his adoptive son. The boy has his eye on his pension lump sum. The money is for him to enjoy his retirement, not to be given away. If he has enough money, he may choose to help if needed, but it's not for buying adult kids motor bikes. Biological child or not, it's not right to sponge off a retired parent. Maybe the poor guy needs to hear someone tell him that it's okay, and even desirable, to say No!

This thirty year old man should have been told when he was a very young child, at least now he should be told. He won't die of shock, he will probably not be happy he wasn't told years ago.

I know two people this sort of thing happened to and they both were not happy they hadn't been told the truth.

I'm my husband's second wife. He doesn't want the children to know he was married before. I told the children a very long time ago, but said that it would be better if their father didn't know... It would be a dreadful shock to find out on our marriage certificate. Beside, i think things like that are better known from "always".
It is up to the putative father to make a decision, not ours. Whatever one tells him isn't the right thing. he had to make the decision himself.

Oh what a dilemma. It's very rare that only one person knows a secret. Maybe other family members know or suspect and if the truths comes out by someone else the chances are the son would question why his 'father' never told him.

Definitely be honest. My mother told me a few months before she died that my father wasnt my real father. I was 54. They are both now dead and i have no idea who my real father is. However after getting over the shock of the truth (I did ask) mother has actually done me a favour. I had never felt as though I belonged and always suspected things were not right. What a relief to know I was right all along. Suddenly everything fell into place. Perhaps this gentleman's ' son' feels the same but has never felt able to ask. Its not easy to drop in the conversation. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage... too long in fact. He should be told in my opinion.

Out of the blue a few years ago DH received a letter saying I think I may be your half sister! DH had grown up thinking he was a the eldest of 6. It turns out their father had been married before and fathered this daughter before divorcing and no one knew. We emailed said letter to other siblings and arranged to meet new half sister-who is absolutely lovely. She met us at the door with "I've invited 2 of our daughters and their partners and children just in case we don't get on, it will dilute things a bit" I roared with laughter and said we are definitely going to get on-and we did. If only she had been part of the family while they were all growing up it would have been so much better and perhaps the family wouldn't have split up now.
Only one other sister keeps in touch with her now but she did get to meet brother when he was over from Oz and is the image of their Dad so that was v good for her too.
As others have said there's always someone who knows secrets. . . .

Supposing the 'son' meets the love of his life and she turns out to be his half-sister. I think he needs to know.

That could have been happening for many years. Adoption has been around for ages with father's not known.
The son of an acquaintance of mine gave dozens of sperm donations when at university, I don't know if this still happens but his mother saw no problem with this, I was horrified.

I feel so sorry for the young man here.
For what ever reason, love or respectability, your friend agreed to become the unborn baby's father; and for thirty years, he has treated the boy as his own. The young man had no choice in the matter, and to him, your friend was his father.
His mother and 'father' had ample opportunity to acquaint him with the true facts while he was young enough to absorb and accept the truth, without being upset by it. That actually happened to me, and I accepted the whole thing without question.
Of course the young man is rather acquisitive. He was spoilt by his mother, and his father went along with it.
He needs to learn to stand on his own feet, and your friend would be within his rights, (as would any father) to restrict the flow of cash to a trickle.
But I feel that it would be unnecessarily cruel to shatter this young man's feeling of identity, just to clear his own conscience.
Should, in the future,the problem of genetic inheritance arise, that would be the time to drop the bombshell.
Your friend and his wife made a commitment to her unborn child, and your friend fulfilled his commitment; being, in fact, his true father. The baby's genetic father was simply a sperm diner.

Sorry, sperm doner. Predictive text strikes again.

I know someone who was adopted but not told about it until 30+ years old.
The relationship between this person and the parents has never been the same since.
Trust has gone.

That's another concern - the trust factor. How will the son feel to know he was lied to all these years? Does your C care?

I hope you keep us posted on any developments in this story, day6.

grandmattie . I too was my husband's second wife. There were no children from his first marriage and our children were always aware that Dad had been married before I came on the scene. They have very little interest in his 'previous', in fact I don't think any of them have ever asked anything about it. It just doesn't bother them.
The question Day6 poses is a very difficult one to even comment on; I can see reasons both for and against but couldn't begin to come down on one side or the other. A terrible dilemma for the poor man.

I have to say that everything I have read here in reply makes perfect sense to me. Whether for the son being told or not, al the reasons you've given have struck a chord.

As mentioned, it's a dreadful dilemma for my friend, and it's going to come as quite a shock to the son if he does tell him the truth.

There are very good reasons to tell the son, good reasons for my former co-worker to tell him, but the opposite also has to be considered too.

I think it's interesting that some of you say a secret is often shared. I bet some of the boy's REAL relatives know the truth, and it could come out I daresay. The son might find out from someone else, in which case it would be better to get the truth from the man he assumed was his father.

Personally, I hate lies and deception. I even find it difficult to tell a white lie. I really feel two rather thoughtless adults didn't think this through when they agreed to keep the truth from their son. That angers me a bit. I feel the young man should have gone into adulthood knowing the truth. I have lost some sympathy for my co-worker because of this. Often you have to summon up the courage to do what is right.

However, he is a genuinely nice bloke. I think he was far too soft for his own good as far as his overbearing wife was concerned. He allowed this deceit to run. He should have talked it over with his wife long ago, or perhaps it just didn't occur to him that the boy needed to know.

The freedom he is enjoying now as a widower is tangible. We are meeting again for lunch, in June, as a group. I must say I am VERY glad he didn't tell me alone. I can chat with the others he's told. It really is his problem though and only he can decide what to do. If he does tell his son the truth I hope he handles it sensitively, and yes, this young man, old enough to support himself, must stop seeing his father as a bank.