A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

You obviously know this chap quite well and we cannot so it's a very difficult one but he must be an unusually forgiving and dutiful man to marry a woman who was pregnant by another, give the child his name and live in abusive relationship for over 20 years! He has brought the boy up as his own presumably, so I would guess that only he can really know why he is considering telling him the truth now.

To all intents and purposes, this gentleman has been a "dad" to this boy, even though it is said the relationship is not close. The fact that this gentleman's wife was abusive and unappreciative is not the son's fault. There are, I'm sure, many father/son relationships that are not especially close but nevertheless your parentage is part of your identity and just because this person is not the "biological" father he is, in the true sense, his "real" dad.

I can understand this gentleman perhaps feeling that if the son is made aware of the true situation he may appreciate all that his "dad" has done for him. I don't think this is the correct motivation for revealing the truth - and it will not necesarily bring forth gratitude.

I think the son has a right to know the truth for a number of reasons - not least because people need to know of any hereditary health issues - and there is a possibility that at some stage the truth will come out anyway. But I feel that such a revelation should be made sensitively and with love - for the benefit of the son, not in order to possibly discourage any requests he may make for money.

Why do people always want the truth?The Father ( the adoptive one) needs to think about this carefully.If he tells his son, the relationship will change for ever.
is he prepared for this? What about the son and his feelings? his Mother has died and all he has at the moment is his Father.If his real Father is not on the scene then it won't even be helpful for future medical conditions.I would say nothing if he values his relationship with his son.

Being a Father means more than just being a biological Father( which means zilch in itself.)

I agree fully Rosesarered, there also the fact that he will lose his father but have to accept his mother has lied to him

I think the fact that he has told you means that he really wants the truth to be out there, I think he probably hopes that you will encourage and support him when he tells his son. If he wanted to keep it secret he wouldn't have told you.

Too right roses my own sons biological (late) father was never a father to him at all . He was always referred to as "the sperm donor " .

We just do not know the real reason why he wants to tell the son, he has waited seven years , why now

The colleague of Day6 may have been told by his wife who the real father was.

Which leaves the questions - was he a married man , is he still married, and why after seven years is there the desire to tell all. It seems the husband disliked his wife , is this hitting back at her by hurting her son? This isn't a criticism of the husband,

That argument only holds if one assumes that the knowledge will 'hurt' the son. He might find that the knowledge increases his respect for the man who helped bringnhim up in a secure home, and he might, as well as curiosity about his biological father (which in itself won't do him any harm) think his biological father must have been a jerk.

There's no way of knowing what effect the knowledge will have on the son.

I wouldn't assume either that the adoptive father has negative reasons for wanting to tell his 'son' the truth about his biological family. That's something else we can only guess at.

I agree with roses that there doesn't have to be a biological link for a man to be a father. We have 2 examples in our family. But if the truth comes out later how will the 'son' feel about his 'father' having lived a lie for so long.

I have had another thought about this. As it wasn't a happy marriage I wonder with the passing of time the husband wants to say " your mother wasn't the wonderful person you think she was". Regardless I still think he should be told the truth in a calm and reasoned way. As so often happens I think the son has his suspicions.

I just feel the young man has a right to know his history, and it is, after all "HIS" history, and knowing where we come from does matter. The man who brought him up has obviously done a grand job over the years, and I think for both the man and the son, the truth needs to be told, perhaps it will create a stronger bond, perhaps not, but for the man's sake I think the story needs to be out in the open.

The man may have kept quiet up to now because of a promise bullied out of him by his late wife. Perhaps he's now seeing the injustice of that and realising that it wasn't a proper promise so he isn't restricted by it.

A promise is a promise , what is a promise which isn't a proper promise

A promise that is extracted from someone under threat/bullying is not a promise.

Anyway, all that was just speculation on my part. We don't know if it ever happened.

Just so thatbag, we do not know

Wow, some really interesting insights there, many that hadn't crossed my mind.

All we know is, our friend has been a lot happier for a while. It's been noticeable that his life seems to be richer these days. Apparently he has now turned one of the bedrooms into a hobbies room and has joined clubs. He told us he's also taken a patch of the garden and turned it into the vegetable plot he's always wanted.He said he had to keep the garden as his wife wanted it. I suppose he is doing his own thing now and (perhaps) is beginning to find himself.

He revealed his secret and said it was a relief to speak about it at last. He isn't a vindictive or spiteful man. He is very mild mannered and easygoing. All I can think of is that maybe the worm has turned and he is going into retirement as the man that (may have) been repressed for most of his life.

I have been chatting on the phone with the two women friends who were with me and we really don't know what to make of it. They think he is right to tell his son the truth. We are seeing him again next month when we have a get-together.

I get the feeling he is going into his new life as a free man, his authentic self, and that is such a good thing to do. I expect many of us know the strange freedom that ageing brings. Things that used to seem important no longer do and you do your own thing, not comparing yourself with others and not really caring about what people think of you. It's a strange sort of liberation and I wonder if being honest with his boy has come from that? I have no idea if this is a sort of kick-back at his late wife. Although she wasn't particularly nice to him, (he says) he stuck it out to the end.

I didn't get the impression that he wanted to hurt his son at all. He did mention they have grown apart, but most of us have some distance between us and our adult offspring because they have lives of their own and may have moved away. He did say his son rarely gets in touch and doesn't enquire much about how he is getting on. He tends to be the one who has to check that his son is OK.

I get the impression he wants to get his life sorted out, but I agree that springing a shock on his son because he needs to get it off his chest might be selfish. On the other hand, why have his son live a lie, and why should he go into retirement carrying this secret?

If there is an option, my mantra is to go for the kindest one. Is it kind to tell his son the truth? Part of me says yes, part of me wonders how the son will react. It could actually be a good thing for both of them, or the truth could devastate the son. The truth can also liberate. What a cleft stick of a problem!

The truth may well liberate the Father, but as you say, is not the kindest option.
In the end, I don't think this man should expect others to advise him, he should shoulder the burden himself , and as he has kept the secret all these years,what's a few more years?But the decision is his alone to make ( and he may blame you for making the wrong one for him.... People do!)

You know, haven written that above, all I am now thinking is that this is an issue which has been left to fester!

Why on earth didn't they sit their boy down when he was younger and gently tell him the truth? He'd have had two loving and protective parents around him and would have adjusted without awful pain.

Family secrets can do so much damage. I am not sure if he had to promise not to tell his son, or whether they made a pact that his parentage would remain a secret forever. When I put it like that I see two rather selfish and deceitful grown ups who could have outed this skeleton in the closet in a much kinder, honest way a long time ago.

He needs to be told...It will be a shock but if there is still a chance of him finding his biological Dad then it needs to be done..

Good point rosesarered.

I think the main purpose of telling us was so he could unload his burden. He needed a listener. We mentioned at the time the decision had to be his. I think he welcomed the discussion though. I must admit the Grandparents here who've replied have given me lots to think about! Discussion is good.

I have just read about a woman who hit her husband on the head with a green frog ornament thirty years ago and wrapped his body up in bin liners and kept him in the shed.

Last year when she was dying of cancer she got a neighbour to help her carry the baggage up to her loft, saying it was a clinical skeleton

She told her hairdresser when she died everyone would be talking about her.

That is a real skelly in the cupboard !

i AM NOT CONDONING WHAT SHE DID

I think he should be told. The only risk is he will sever ties with your friend but would that be so terrible as it sounds as if they have a distant relationship anyway. The boy MAY feel he should be a bit nicer to him but I doubt it. The real thing is the biological thing. If he ever gets something nasty he needs to know that his genes are not those of his believed Father.

A tough call.