A skeleton in the cupboard. What would you do?

This man is the father, he took on that responsibility over 30 years ago, there is alot more to being a father than the act of procreation and this man seems to have fulfilled all of them with that one exception.

I don't see what money has to do with it, if they were biologically related would it somehow make it OK for him to be asking for money but because he was accepted as his son he is less entitled (not entitled at all but a blood link wouldn't make him entitled either.)

How many men have brought up another man's child without knowing? I think its too late now, could be very traumatic to discover this in your 30s and what good would it do?

It's a wise child that knows it's own Father!

The young man must stop seeing his father as a bank, as Day6 says, but that should not be connected to his being told of his true parentage.
How hurtful it would be to say, in effect, I won't give you any money because you are not really my son. That would leave the son feeling doubly rejected, and as if he has only been told the truth as an excuse for his father to stop giving him financial help.

rosesarered, yes that saying is very appropriate.

FarNorth, exactly and he lost his mother when he was very young so it would be a hard blow to deal with.

The young man should know the truth, do not believe it is the right thing for anyone to live with such a lie. It is his birthright and up to him where he goes from there. If his biological father has a sound marriage his wife will stand by him, if he loves the man he calls dad the same. He should have been told from when he was old enough to understand, like adoptive children should be.

What if the biological father has had more children and the son starts a relationship with one of them unknowing of who he really is? For this reason alone, the truth, no matter how unpalatable it may be, needs to be told.
As for the husband, he sounds like a saint. He may well have been but surely there have been other opportunities to tell the son the truth before now? With his mother dead, he can't visit her for all those details she never revealed.

a boy at my daughter's school only found out he was adopted because of a biology lesson on genetics. Something to do with the colour of his and his parents' eyes. Rather a shock for everyone at the time.

Grannytomine you are so right in what you say about parenting. I always cringe when I hear birth parents described as ' real ' parents.
As an adopted child myself I think the man should be told of his birth father but advice should be taken on the best way to do this. It should not be a case of I'm not helping you any more because I'm not your birth father.

nina59, what if no one knows who the father is? The mother is deceased and it isn't on his birth certificate. Do you think he should never have a relationship just in case? I know a woman conceived by donor insemination and this fear blighted her life and stopped her having a relationship. When you think of how many people there are in the world it must be a very small chance, don't you think?

Christinefrance, yes I agree to say I'm not helping because I'm not your birth father would be awful. The son needs to learn to stand on his own feet but that isn't anything to do with genes.

grannytomine, I'm guessing the adoptive father knows the identity of the birth father. But I could be wrong. There again there are so many blended families these days, genes are probably already being stirred up in one big incestuous pot.

Grannytomine, that young woman conceived by donor insemination, how very sad but understandable. I think it a normal human reaction to want to know where we come from, even if we might not like it. That is why I think the child or potential child's needs should always be considered before your own. I know a few adoptive children, who have been told as soon as they could understand, about their biological family and dealt with it well, after all they were chosen and were definately loved and wanted so always felt as much wanted as any other child.

It's a wise man who knows his own father.

Helpful?

I think the saying is a wise child, not man.

My grandfather used to say 'It's a wise child who knows their own father'. A lot.
I'm now wondering why!

LuckyLegs I agree adopted children should be told as soon as possible, this young man is in his 30s so they have missed that boat already.

His mother is dead and he can't ask her about it, he might never be able to contact his biological father if no one knows who he is or if he has moved on or if he has died so I can't see the point. Other people might feel differently but I guess we are all likely to be influenced by our history. I know that young woman who was conceived by donor insemination was caused real anguish by her need to know something that she could never find out. I think she finally came to terms with it in her 40s but she had struggled for over 20 years. To be honest with you it was painful to listen to her but she was so obsessed by it that people did tend to lose sympathy eventually. It was sad.

One more thing, I am always very suspicious of men who run their ex wives down, in this case, late wife. Who knows if this man's wife was so awful, it is very common for these saintly men to have abusive wives. Don't believe everything you are told, this colleague could have been abusive to his wife and she might have stood up for herself, so therefore he calls her abusive. He can say what he likes, she is not here and can't defend herself.

A decent man would never speak of his late wife like this man has. He doesn't sound saintly to me, he sounds passive aggressive. He is also weak, too scared to tell his son the truth. Everyone has a right to know, his descendants have the right to know who their ancestors were. The adoptive son might be very happy to know this man is not his father.

The way a lot of young people behave nowadays, going to be tricky for a lot of offspring to know the truth.

In fairness Faye, he was never very critical of his ex wife although I completely agree with you that running down your spouse to others isn't good form and it means nothing, as we can never really know what happens behind closed doors.

I only met her a few times and she was definitely a force to be reckoned with. She was loud and bubbly and didn't mince her words. However, that description could also be true of many of us I expect! . My ex colleague always was a fairly quiet, gentle man. He was very industrious and when I think about things he was often the one to look for a positive spin on workplace dilemmas/upsets. He was also kind and would go out of his way to help others with lifts and changing his days off to make life easier for someone who needed the day more than he did. he provided a shoulder for me to cry on once and has never broken that confidence, as far as I know.

I get the feeling he's found himself a bit more, out of necessity maybe, since he lost his wife. It was nice to see him feeling so energised and full of plans. Perhaps his impending retirement is the reason. Our little group is meeting again next week for lunch and I am keen to find out what he's done in the meantime regarding his son.