Support for those estranged from family members. Moving on together,

Here it is - www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/

There has been a slight thawing in my estrangement, but I think it's for the wrong reasons, just how it looks to other people. I know I don't mean anything, so much verbal abuse, banned from their lives and denied my granddaughter, years of it, I have missed all the milestones and feel like a stranger. I am too frightened to go forward, no apology has been made and never will. I wish in a way this doorway hadn't been opened, I just don't think I have it in me for the past not to have mattered, it changed me as a person to how I am today. I have been shown I don't matter, letters unanswered, phone calls not picked up., I couldn't treat anyone like that. So be careful what you wish for, sometimes it is just too late."

ignored, cut out if family life, feeling worthless, I have had years of grief and am scared to go back there, people don't really change

Oh Lucky, I am so sorry, and I know exactly what you mean. As I said in my previous post, unless there are at least explanations given, it is asking too much to expect you to forget all the unbelievable pain you have suffered. I am so lucky that I'm not estranged from my son, although I am in a way, having no real part of his or his little one's life. However, the cruelty that his wife has meted out after I treated her like the daughter I would have loved, has changed me beyond believe. She hasn't allowed me to see my granddaughter since she was three months old, and she is now three. I am not allowed to send gifts, although money is OK. I'm not stupid, this is because money doesn't need explaining, whereas the Peppa Pig bike I tried to send creates a real person to the child. When my son suggested bringing her to see me on his own, he was abused to such an extent, in front of the child, that he gave up on the idea, and spent time away. Like you, I have had to be strong after losing my precious other half, and then having to deal with the frightening scare with sepsis recently.....which, despite my spending almost four months in hospital, my daughter in law never even acknowledged. I am scared of her now, and have to protect myself from any more pain....and so must you. If you feel you can do this, and still recreate contact, then I pray that happens.

You will make the best choice for you, but I would need some honesty before I could open myself to possible further pain. You know what? You wouldn't allow a stranger to treat you this way, and really that's what your beloved children have chosen to become. Much love.x.

Oh Luckylegs I know what you mean and how you feel. I too am a changed person. I have lost confidence in myself and worry in the event of reconciliation whether I could trust them again.
Although they are our children who we loved, cherished and nurtured there is no excuse for their behaviour towards us as adults. Nobody has the right to make us feel so worthless and anxious. I am going to my GP to ask for antidepressants - I have never been depressed in my life but I feel close to tears all the time. I wake up in the night thinking about them, wondering where I went wrong, wondering if they are happy, worrying about them, thoughts whizzing round until I have to get up and watch telly just to stop them. Then I feel exhausted all day.
I used to get palpitations each time the phone rang or when I checked my messages/emails in case there was more abuse. Now I have blocked them from my devices - but I end up feeling guilty in case something bad happens and they can't reach me! My heart was in my mouth when I saw the tram crash in London as my ED moved down there this year. It's just a never ending roller coaster of emotions.
I was a confident, outgoing person and I do have lots of lovely friends but none of them know about my secret life. We really do have to try to look after ourselves and stay healthy and invest our love in the ones who do care about us whether they are friends or relatives. Love and best wishes to you xxx

Thank you to everyone who took the time and trouble to respond to my post. I am very much aware that I am in the fortunate position of seeing my DS and my DGS and I find reading some of the sad posts on here very humbling.

I have just revisited the email my sons partner sent to DH and me last year. After insulting us about our babysitting (DGS had woken up, but I got him back to sleep within 10 minutes - apparently he wasn't supposed to wake up. Work that one out!!) she goes on to say that because of the things we had said and done, we can't expect everything to be just fine as that is ridiculous. This email arrived during my post hospital recovery from meningitis and sepsis from which I nearly died.

It was so wierd as, hand on heart, we had done NOTHING! I had been ill for the previous 3 months and spent six weeks in hospital. We had offered to babysit as they hadn't been out for months due to my incapacity which prevented me from babysitting (and all the other helping out I did) In fact it was the first time we had been to the house in several months.

My internet research suggests to me that she is a 'high conflict personality' and that she 'projects her own wrongdoings on to other people in order to make herself feel good.'

DH and I have talked about this endlessly since we got this out of the blue email invite to Xmas Dinner, and have finally decided there is no way we can sit down to such a special meal with this woman, so we are going to say that we already have other arrangements. My son will guess the truth but will not hold it against us - he totally understands our feelings about how she has behaved. He, quite rightly, never believed the wild accusations she levelled at us. It caused an issue between them at the time but I understand she has not tried to bad mouth us to him since as it gets her nowhere.

Oh dear, sorry for the rant but thank God for Gransnet. It feels good to write it all down.
Thanks again for the advice. I am now going to try and forget about it and enjoy the rest of my hols.

I have the same feelings as you Ucan and no doubt the other Grans on here too. I too worry when I hear on the news that yet another young person has lost their lives on the London roads, being knocked down off their push-bikes, as that could be my Son! I am without doubt a different person after this torturous 4yr sentence of silence from the ones I loved more than any in the world, [along with my ND&baby of course] and feel I could burst into tears at any moment, especially this last few weeks as the 4th ann. of my being cut-out' is this Wednesday

So sorry Rosy & Lucky

Fairydoll sorry to hear how ill you were and glad to hear you are recovered now, to get that email whilst you were so ill must have been terrible! As much as I long to see my estD&GC, I could not suddenly spend Xmas day with them, dropping in for an hour would be more in line with what has gone on in the past years. Maybe your nasty d.i.l knew you wouldn't accept the invite, so that's why she sent it, to appease your Son. I had done absolutely nothing too!

I feel do sorry for those of you have had really serious health problems whilst dealing with the stress of bein cut out of your child's lives. The estrangement alone makes you ill and I am sure it affects your immune system so you are likely to pick things up. When you have been so cruelly treated over many years, how can you make a new start without finding out why they behaved as they did. In my case I would have to feel grateful she has deigned to speak with me whilst never bringing up the suhject of the last years. if I was to try, the abuse and hysterics would start once more, so I might just as well bye pass that step as I am unable mentally and physically to cope.the lonliness has been unbearable and it would be easy to go back to spasmodic contact just to be in the picture, but it would make me ill, backwhere I was years ago.

Hello ladies? hope you are all well? I was just reading through your posts (as I often do) I like to keep up to date on how your all doing, although I don't post very often?
Fairydoll, we received a text from our dil this time last year (after 2yrs no contact - even though in the beginning I did try to reconnect - but to no avail) anyway we received a text completely out of the blue, asking if we would like to move forward (she said due to the time of year, it was a time to reflect upon things) I promptly replied and said yes of course we would like to move forward. She asked to meet up, but unfortunately due to the way we had been treated and excluded from so many important events in our sons life (ie. our Gds first Xmas, first birthday etc... Their wedding) I just couldn't do it, just jump in with both feet, and so I said I wasn't ready to meet just yet and would like to communicate via text, phone, email for a while until were on more of an even keel! She agreed! So I asked for our sons new mobile number - she declined and said our son wasn't ready to give it just yet!!!!! I asked for their new address - she declined and said they didn't want us to have it just yet!!!!
Alarm bells began to ring but for a while I continued to text etc, to which SHE always replied, but never, never did they ever initiate contact. So unfortunately I stopped texting etc and now I only text Xmas, their bdays and gds birthday! We never receive any texts on our bdays and to this day have never heard directly from our son, it has always been through dil. I do feel guilty because I chose not to meet up when asked, but I wasn't ready! And I feel that they are saying 'well, we tried' the thing is about a week after they/she made contact a work/tax/letter came for our son, that they obviously wanted. (Don't know what they thought I'd do with it but hey ho I'm obviously the bad person they seem to think I am) So they came round for it, she came to the door and he sat in the car and didn't even look at me - well that spoke volumes!!! So fairydoll I would be very cautious but I truly hope their intentions are all good.? smileless I hope you enjoyed your holiday in Florida and better still you have settled into your lovely new home - time for a new start and a time to make new memories. Well everyone enjoy the rest of your evening ?? xxx

Oh gosh it is all so confusing and distressing reading these posts!

I a feeling v low as back so da n painful ? have started taking the ovamorph I had for severe groin pain.

Gosh lucklegs do you mean you have heard positive moves from your estranged ones?
I hope so but do understand would be impossible to forget all years of insults and hurt,

Yogagirl [fowers] gosh 4 years but we are 8 next March too long to have it still so painful,

We managed ourndsnce fri and night away but back is not good, have dr appt fri rang today X-ray showed wear as tear right but is so bad a pinched feeing base of spine whenever I move or stand hell, she offered me cancellation tomorrow but want go acquacise only excercise I can do at moment and prefer dr will see fri, ore experienced,

Surely it will settle and improve soon.? What hell of time we nad lately.

I do agree that the stress and strain of estrangement lowers our immune and tenses our muscles leading to ill health,

Welcome back mums seventy what a dilemma at least you have one mobile contact we have no phone contact at all for first year we had old movie or s imlaw but,that went dead.

In my opinion I find that many people can't say they're sorry and that an invitation can speak volumes for them. What's the worse that can happen Fairydoll ? You have all ready been estranged so if it doesn't work out, things would be the same. I have another idea. You could tell her you have several commitments that evening but you will be happy to come by. That way you are easing yourself into it. Even if you don't like her, she is making an attempt. Good Luck

Celebregan, so sorry you still not well. Yes, she has reached out, there will be no explanation or apology and we can never go back. So I have decided to have whatever small contact I can, re open the doors of communication. I don't know how I will feel after so long and it will be hard not to have questions or feel resentful for all these lost years. All I know is that if I don't take a chance there might not be a second. If there us one thing I have learnt it is that I really don't matter and I will never be a reel part of there lives and have to have my own interests, friends and life, and never ever have expectations, the estrangement has affected my health and confidence and if there was any small contact it must be better than total exclusion. I will keep you posted as to what happens. Just so very glad I can come on hear and speak with other mothers who have these difficulties.

Smile less - where are you? You are missed. Hope this longed for move going well.

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Four long years of grieving for my precious grandchildren and daughter. The pain never get's easier!

I really wish you well Lucky. You are being very brave.You have obviously given the matter a lot of thought, and decided on acceptance, and I truly hope everything turns out well.

I stupidly went out to my car in the dark, and the rain, and tripped and fell. My knee has ballooned and I have cut my hand. It's at times like this that I most feel the loss of close family. I never tell my son about such things, as he is too far away to do anything and would only worry. He has enough of that already. I treated myself to a big bar of salted caramel chocolate instead....my secret vice! Should be available on prescription!

I too hope Smileless is happily settling into her forever home.

I'm not estranged from family members at the moment but the way things are going with my brother and sister-in-law it will only be a matter of time! The biggest problem is my 15 year old nephew who is what my brother would have become without an older sister (me) to keep him in check. At his 10 year old sisters birthday party last month, he did his utmost to spoil her day by behaving like a 5 year old but only when his parents(who are the only adults he takes notice of!) were not in the room. As a result of his bad behaviour (upsetting DGD among other things) DS and I left without saying 'Thanks' to my SiL for the meal, My SiL then refused to come to my DD's birthday celebration as she was 'upset'. Eventually, against my better judgement(and a heated text exchange with my mum) I sent her a text saying thanks. Next day we discovered(by accident) that my brother is having a 50th birthday party and hasn't invited me, DS (who wouldn't go anyway) DG, DGD and unforgivably our parents. I know my dad isn't that well but they should have invited them ( I have a great picture of my dad and DGD doing 'Oops Upside your Head' at mine) . They didn't come to mine because they were away but at least I invited them! SiL is 'Upset' - 'really' I'm beyond furious with them. I rather spend Christmas with just DS and a microwave roast dinner than darken their door ever again

Oh dear NannyK you may not be too bothered now, but years down the line I think you will regret not sorting it out now. Nip it in the bud now, even if you decide to be not so close. Good luck.

Rosy sorry to hear you had a bad fall, hope you're a bit better today. I had a bad fall about a week back, the bruise was as big as a football and as black as a black bird, thought I'd broken bones, but all ok, thank God. And yes it does make you feel along with no one to help

Hello dear friends. On line at last, now everything is unpacked, sorted, put away or stored I've decided to sit down this afternoon and catch up with you all. When I've finished posting I'll read all of your news; I've missed you all.

The house is simply perfectI'm the happiest I've been in 4 years, sleeping well, waking up without that terrible feeling of dread. I can hardly believe what a huge difference this move has already made to both of us.

Mr. S. was 63 yesterday, his first birthday in our new home. It was also our youngest GC's first birthday, if you remember he was born on the same day as the grandfather he'll never know.

TBH I hardly gave it a second thought yesterday. We posted a birthday card for him, getting two so one can go in their memory box. This relatively small distance, only 30 miles from where we used to live has made such a difference. Mr. S. was in our old village the other day seeing a customer and popped into our old house to make sure everything was OK. He said when he turned into our road and drove past their house, he felt quite sick and wondered how on earth we managed to live just down the road from them for more than 4 years.

My greatest joy is that Mr. S. loves it here as much as I do. If not for me, we wouldn't have moved and I was so worried that he'd regret it, but he thanked me the other night for persuading him as he said it's the best thing we could have done.

I'll go now and catch up with all of your posts. It's great to be back.

I'd forgotten Yogagirl, the significance of November 16th to you as well as to me. The date you married, the date you were cut out of your D's and GD's lives. Your posts make meas your pain is as evident and raw as it was when I first began to post on this wonderful thread, when you and dear Celeb first became my friends and shone a light into my darknessfor you.

Your soon to be SIL sounds like a really lovely man, someone who'll love and care for your DD and lovely GD and who'll appreciate his wonderful m.i.l., knowing what an important part of their lives you are and will always be.

I hope you're enjoying your time in Florida Fairydoll. You've made the decision I would have made. TBH I hope never to hear from estranged S and d.i.l. again because I know I'd never be able to have any contact with her for any reason, not even to see our GC. As for our ES, I cannot conceive of anything he could say or do that would entice me back into his life. There is a part of me that will always hope to one day know our GC and if having contact with him enabled that then I would but that would be the only reason.

Celebremember dear friend that you are not just a mother to your ED, you're a mother to your DS, a loving and supportive wife to your DS, a wonderful sister, aunt and great aunt to 2 lovely children.

Don't feel guilty Mums70. There's no shame or guilt in protecting yourselves as best you can from further pain. Your d.i.l. was clearly being disingenuous; why refuse to give you your son's mobile number and their new address? If she was really looking to 'move forward' she'd not have done so and sending birthday cards to you and your husband would have been a simple yet effective way of reassuring you of a genuine intent.

I'mat the ruling for your DD's soon to be ex to have the children 10 nights a month Rhinestone; I'm not surprised you're overcome with worry.

I think your idea of a photo journal is brilliant UkeCan. I'm going to sort through all of our photos and do the same thing for our GC, it will be another addition to their memory box. How did you get on at the doctors? I hope you've been given something to make things a little more manageable.

How are you doing after your fall Rosy? It just goes to show how easy it is to do real damage with something as simple as a fall.

For what it's worth NannyKasey I think your s.i.l. is being particularly childish and vindictive. OK, you left without thanking her which anyone of us would have found upsetting in her shoes. I wonder is she was aware of her son's bad behaviour, associating it with your early departure and was embarrassed about it. You did the right thing by thanking her later; are family members to be cut out for such small misdemeanors.

You said in a recent post Luckylegs that "sometimes it is just too late" and for me and our ES son, sadly it is. Last week, our first week in our new home I kept dissolving into tears. Poor
Mr. S. was worried that I was regretting our move, that I was unhappy, that moving had unleashed something previously hidden. In a way he was right with his last thought. Safely away from their home, from the home in which he was raised the pain and grief of the last 4 years hit me with unbelievable force.

I finally faced the extent of that pain and now can only wonder how we, how all of you have and continue to survive. Catching up with all of your posts showed me once again, one of the things that has helped me; all of you on this thread.

Knowing that in my absence, I was in your thoughts means so much; thank you.

thanks Yogagirl and Smileless2012 - I'm upset for my parents, I think my brother is expecting us all pitch up on his birthday as if nothing has happened (it's not happening!). My mum told someone today 'Don't see why he should invite me to his party I only gave birth to him'.

I don't think my brother and SiL are aware of his bad behaviour, before it all kicked off about the party I did ask my mum to tell my brother what happened and she refused. I would have been annoyed if DD and/or DS had behaved in that way and she h

hanks Yogagirl and Smileless2012 - I'm upset for my parents, I think my brother is expecting us all pitch up on his birthday as if nothing has happened (it's not happening!). My mum told someone today 'Don't see why he should invite me to his party I only gave birth to him'.

I don't think my brother and SiL are aware of his bad behaviour, before it all kicked off about the party I did ask my mum to tell my brother what happened and she refused. I would have been annoyed if DD and/or DS had behaved in that way and she hadn't told me

There is no way back and I'm sad about that

So good to see you posting again Smileless,. And great to hear you are enjoying your new house and feeling more at peace. Long may it continue! Are you still off to Aus for Christmas with your other son and DIL?

Enjoying our holiday here in Florida, but dear DIL has managed to cast a shadow over it really with her out of the blue invite to Christmas Dinner, which arrived just two days after we landed (she knows we are here). It just shows how irrational she is. We are going to decline of course but then we will be classed as the Bad Guys - still, what the hell, it was ever thus!

Although on holiday, still can't resist having a peek at this thread from time to time to see how everybody's doing.

So glad you made the right decision Smileless. It is so easy just to get into a rut. I am treading carefully with my daughter, it is hard not to think of all the misery she has inflicted, I cannot justify it in any way, but I will try to just go forwards. Things can never becas they once were , the trust had gone, but some relationship will connect me with my beautiful gd.
Won't be on here for a while as now on holiday and it's not easy to keep in touch.
To all of you going through the pain I would say this, I wish I had severed contacted when itvfirstcstarted, I waited too long and enabled more horrible things to happen. I would never go back there, will never be treated that way, rather be on my own.
Speak soon.???

Hello Smileless so good to hear from you, I was worried that you were both feeling blue in your new house as such a big thing to do after 25yrs in the home where you brought up your boys, so pleased to hear how happy you are, you never know how you'll feel until you do it! I wonder if your nasty d.i.l bothered with all the balloons etc. outside their house, now you're not there to see it all [Flowers] for your new home.

Smileless Thank you for your kind words. It's also my friends wedding anniversary on the 16th, that date She sent me a message on the day saying that she had thought of me the night before and sent me her love and blessings, I felt I couldn't wish her a happy ann. when I replied to thank her, didn't seem fitting, so maybe I will today.

Fairy & Lucky enjoy your holidays.

Celebgran hope you are ok today

Off to Old Leigh now, meeting up with ND as she is getting her eyebrows done, think it's hyna. Wedding is next Saturday, so lot's of finishing touches to do. The wedding is going to be fabulous, lot's of entertainers, as that's my [soon to be] s.i.l's business

here they are Smileless