Regrets about being estranged from people..

I think the situation is more complex than that, redheaded mommy. Physical abuse, as it is classed now....would consist of smacking. Sometimes as a kid, I was smacked when I felt it was inappropriate...maybe they made a quick assumption about a situation, lashed out..and had made the wrong call. Yes, that would be abuse but would that be a reason for me to break contact with them as an adult? I don't think so. But I can see situations where people with other grudge s might use something like that to break contact. So my sister, for example, doesn't like the fact that my mother talks about 'death' a lot. A lot of mothers friends are dying, and it's a topic that's on her mind. The sister takes exception to this because it's 'negative'. So she does things like: talk about death + smacks as a kid = reason to estrange. She piles up the evidence UNTIL is suits her case to estrange. And I've seen so many people act in this way with relatives..

Of course I don't get to decide what others do but in my opinion, it's toxic TO estrange from people, rather than healthy to estrange...because the fall out from it can be on so many levels, spanning such a long time.

Jem

It's not that people are owed anything, just because they are relatives, but it's that WE perhaps should treat everyone with kindness and respect and check out our own negative agendas... How others choose to act, is up to them, but as Rhinestone pointed out, sometimes those who we assume are being horrible for effect, are actually mentally ill.. If they were physically ill, would we abandon them and have our kids effectively abandon them also? just because it fits our agenda.

There are underlying personal agendas (sometimes petty, sometimes not) underlying most estrangements, I would assume, from experience of seeing mine and other families operate. It's as tho people think they've got all the time in the world.. And as I said in a previous post, we have to hope that those who we gather around us, and away from others....never end up estranging US, on the basis of a whim, or on the basis of the whim of a new partner....

Jem

I have a sister that dose not talk to me and I would pay a million pounds for some one or her to tell me WHY , I only met her 5 years ago as my parents split when we where little and meeting her and her little family had to be the hi light of my life , it ment the world to me and then it was nothing , no contact , rang and rang , no answers wrote letters , nothing , what did I do so wrong . Why is it that what you want so badly in this world you don't get , I can't even talk to our dad as he has passed away and my mum is not her mum , i miss my dad and now I miss a sister that I only had for a brief time , but at least I did get to know her and her little family , just wish it was more .

Perhaps there are families who just don't get on with each other. Perhaps can't be bothered to contact each other. Jealousy and greed does seem to figure large in some families.

Oh Gina848, some people really do only think of themselves... It's so so sad..

I find a lot of people are very much of the 'I'm alright Jack, so sod you!!'...mentality... And encourage others to be like that too..

I think someone else earlier said that the people who are estranging people and usually those who already have the kids, the support, the wider family - and those they're estranging are usually those who are lonely or alone. If only they could give 2 minutes to putting themselves in the other persons shoes.

Jem

jeminavintage I don't agree with your opinion that Life is too short FOR estrangements (apart from in very very ultra severe cases)...

I have never been estranged from family members, but my DH was estranged from his father for most of the time of his father's 2nd marriage. His wife wanted him all to herself and eventually that's what she got. There were no big rows, just a cold shoulder and being ignored. It took us a while to realise my FiL was being subtly forced to make a choice between her and everyone else. He is a gentle, simple man and I'm glad to say they had a very happy marriage for over 15 years, just the two of them on their own. At her funeral her son was the only person from her family who attended and he was supposed to be the devil incarnate (turns out he's not). She was estranged from everyone else and never knew any of her GC. Happily my FiL fitted right back into our lives and we are glad.

That said, the older I get, the less time I will spend on trying to make everything OK or everyone happy. It can become self-destructive. As someone who thinks counseling and CBT is a good thing, I now believe everyone is responsible for their own lives and happiness. I will always do my best for family (and friends), but sometimes that might mean estrangement. It will be a hard decision, but I would make it. Life is too short and none of us live in isolation, so why should other loved ones suffer because of one person?

very true Wilmaknickersfit, ( love the name lol)

There comes a time when you have to move on because bridges cant be built, no matter how much you try because the ones that chose the estrangement doesnt want to. The more you push for a reconciliation the further you push them away. Ive not closed the door Ive left it ajar and the family know where I am.

"The more you push for a reconciliation the further you push them away."

Yes, and the more you try to draw them into a closer bond, or try to get them to make up, the tighter the bolt on the door is drawn.

There comes a point where you have to just wait for them to take the initiative - or not.

Anya, you could be writing about two close relatives that I had. 'So sad - both dead now, having spent their last years as grumbling, bitter old women, estranged from the rest of the family because of...god only knows what was going on in their paranoid heads. Sadly of course it affects the whole family; the real tragedy of what might have, and should have been.

That's exactly what we did with my FiL. In fact, we realised our later attempts at a reconciliation only increased the pressure on him. When his wife died, we were the first people he called and we were right back in each others lives from that moment. We have never discussed why we were out of touch, but he feels comfortable enough to speak about her and I am grateful for that because he did adore her. We have to do what we think is the best and live with the consequences.

WilmaknickersfitIt all sounds so immature tho... someones new wife wants them all to themselves etc etc... It obviously happens like that at times.....but I'm making the point that all it causes is destruction of opportunity.... Of course, the person at the heart of the feud will feel a sense of smugness at having caused pain to one or more people, or whatever.....but ultimately, it can backfire. My ex-husband has never had any success in relationships because he's been so focused on his weird feud with me, and refusal to just 'be normal'. He seeks feud and estrangement.....probably feels completely justified in that....has poisoned countless peoples views/minds..including his own.. and for what? certainly NOT peace of mind...

Jem

My reply was to Mumsy and Elegran

But jem I don't think my FiL's wife had any regrets about being estranged from her whole family. I think she was happy to play the victim as a way of justifying why they had all, one by one cut her out of their lives.

not immature at all Jemimavintage! different families different circumstances, we all deal with estrangement as best we can.

Hi Jem,

As a counsellor, and in my own private life, I have come across this many times. Silence happens because, even though people want to get to talking again, it’s measured as ‘giving in’ or as a weakness. The truth of the matter is that being the first to mend the problem actually has a braveness about it as, while you hope it goes well, it may not, as the other party/ies may snub you and get a feeling of superiority from doing so. Believe me when I say that that feeling of superiority that they may get will be on the outside only. You, however, will be able to hold onto that attempt you made to heal the rift and no-one can knock you for that. My sister and I didn’t speak for twenty five years and, when I made that first move, our connection was instant, with an apology from my sister for what had caused the disconnection all those years before. While we lost those years, we now have the icing on the cake.

Not easy Dee when you make the first move and its thrown back in your face every time! Nearly 7 years now and I still get the verbal abuse! Im not putting myself in that position anymore, Im done!

Dee I think what you describe is true when two people have fallen out over a particular incident and have now calmed down, but neither wants to lose face or risk being rebuffed by making the first move and it is such a pity when pride gets in the way of re-establishing what is basically a good relationship. However, when one person continually behaves in a way that makes others unhappy, sometimes the only solution is to distance yourself from that person; particularly if they don’t feel they are doing anything wrong and protest that they are only acting out of care and concern. If they continually try to re-establish contact, but don’t make any effort to change their behaviour, it is just seen as harassment. In these situations, one person will always be unhappy if contact is maintained and the other person will be unhappy if contact is cut off, so there is really no solution, but sometimes, cutting contact with a relative who is causing distress to you (and maybe also your children) is the only thing you can do for your own peace of mind.

Jemima I can see how hurt and bewildered you are by the situation you find yourself in, but, from your description of your family situation, your daughter seems to be getting caught in the middle of the “weird feud” between your ex-husband and yourself and I wonder if she feels that removing herself from the situation is the best way for her to deal with it at the moment?

Jemima it was you (I think) who asked us to put ourselves in the shoes of the one who was alone and isolated. Often they are alone and isolated as they have brought that on themselves by turning on everyone.

Typically their new 'best friend' is tomorrow's enemy

Ah rosina ...'what might have been, what should have been' that's it exactly.

You're right notyetagran and it's also just as important that the person or people who've estranged themselves from you, don't portray themselves as victims. Our ES has spent the last 4 years casting himself as the victim of our abandonment when he's the one who abandoned us.

jemimavintage excellent posts, everyone of them.

Anya "Typically their new best friend is tomorrow's enemy"; our d.i.l. to a 'T'.

Dee, what wise words, I am so pleased you and your sister are now close after your long estrangement. Blessed be the peacemaker, for they shall inherit the earth. I am not religious but that passage sticks in my mind because it is so true. I have always done that, although it hurts to make the first move when you feel the injured party, I do it and swallow my pride. Pride is so futile, unfortunately it hasn't worked for me, but at least I did everything I could, I love my girl so much but cannot alter what is in her heart and am more than sorry she feels that way, but want her to be happy, that doesn't include me in her life, somewhere along the lne I must have let her down, but I did my best. I have to respect her wishes.

No no no Luckylegs you mustn't think that youve let your daughter down!! It was your daughters choice that she doesnt want you in her life likewise my daughter to. As you say we have to respect their wishes no matter how much it hurts.

The meek get the earth. Peacemakers get called children of God.

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