Regrets about being estranged from people..

Deewbw - I've just come on to say a similar thing.. My husband had a rift for years from his mother, caused by his ex-wife. His mother is in her late 80's. As a result, there was also a rift with his brother, and his brother had actually tried to do something very bad to my husbands business (wind it up through the courts), out of spite... so all quite horrible really.

One day I was thinking to myself: this is all so bloody petty, and all because the ex-wife wants to cause mayhem for good and decent people, out of pure spite. Life IS too short for rifts.

I wrote to my husbands mother asking her to meet with us on his birthday. She said yes. We've since had years of a good strong relationship, no problems. We've been on holiday together, dinners out etc. If I hadn't have made that move, and written to her.....she would have been in her late 80's going into 90's with no relationship with her son. No-one deserves that. Reading about this term 'flying monkey' - that's a very very negative spin to put on the behaviour of people who might just want to make the situation better in some way. Why have even these people got to be labelled by those who feel that throwing people out of other peoples lives is justifiable.

My husbands brother contacted us recently after 10 years of estrangement. I'd sent him xmas cards etc but he'd always ignored them. He asked to meet us. We went out for a curry. Neither me, or my husband had any feeling of animosity towards him, despite him very very nearly finishing us off, business wise, and costing us thousands. It just all melted away at the prospect of a very nasty rift being able to heal. It was absolutely fantastic.

To be clear, if someone has to be estranged from someone because of something very very serious, then so be it. I would not be advising people to be friendly...in situations where they feel they have done all they can, and the other person really is dangerous. But in petty circumstances, I feel it's usually the agenda of one person......who normally has a lot of support themselves and feels that the person they're trying to alienate is superfluous to THEIR needs... The fall-out from that is massive - multiple family members have to suffer simply because of the attitude of one nasty person.

Jem

The fall-out from that is massive - multiple family members have to suffer simply because of the attitude of one nasty person.

Completely agree.

To be clear, imo no-one should be estranged from anyone, simply because of the whims of one individual who calls others toxic and seeks to create rifts, but is intact, very 'toxic' themselves..

Jem

Completely agree.
When my DH was a child he had no family on his moms side or his dad's side as MIL had cut everyone of them off, both sides!
In her mind, it was everyone around her who had the problem. He had no grandparents growing up, aunts or uncles. It was only after the birth DD that his Auntie from his dad's side got intouch and arranged to meet up.

If MIL hadn't allianted everyone around her when DH was young then things would of been so different for him. Abit like now really.

disagree with that Jemimavintage, 'whims' dont even come into it! rifts happen in life more so in families, some can forgive and forget others wont. It only takes one toxic person to destroy the relationship.

We fell out with my SIL over something that started very small and escalated to the point where we had no contact for 10 years! In the end it was DD's wedding that prompted me to be the grown up and write to her saying we should let things go and try and make amends. She responded very positively so we arranged to meet up and things have been fine since. Sometimes it just takes someone to make the first step for things to be resolved.

Jemimavintage, your posts are very thought provoking and I have decided to get in touch with my sister because of some of the things you have posted. I might be making a big mistake (again), but it is time to reach out. It might take a while to pluck up the courage, but maybe our frequent fallings out wasn't all her fault.
The update may take some time, but thanks for making me think deeply about it.

Well done Pollengran. That is a really positive outcome for Gransnet. Hope your sister can respond lovingly.

I would never underestimate the power of making the first move.

Donkeys years ago my Dad and I fell out. He said something that crossed the line for me and I got up and walked out of his house. The look on his face was utter shock.

Our family is very opinionated and my Step-Mum avoided conflict like the plague and would not give him a good argument - which frustrated him big time. So when I visited, he would try to press my buttons so he could get his opinion out there. Most of the time we just had a healthy argument discussion. This time though he went too far.

We had no contact for 3 months, which was a major thing for the family. My two brothers told my Dad he was out of order and he should apologise, but he was far too stubborn. I hated that we were not speaking, but I was not going to be the one to apologise. I told a close friend about it and she told me about a similar situation when she'd fallen out with her sister. Basically she got back in touch with her sister and never mentioned the fall out, they simply moved forward without ever mentioning it again.

So, as it happened, my brother and his wife just had their first baby and my DH and I were planning on driving down to see my new nephew at the weekend. I rang my Dad and my Step-Mum answered the phone. She told my Dad I wanted to speak to him and I could hear in the background just how surprised he was that I was calling. I asked him if they wanted to come in our car to see the new baby and he did, so it was arranged. That was the end of the matter. We carried on as if nothing had ever happened.

A while later my Step-Mum told me my Dad was really shocked that I made the first move. He had no intention of ever being the one to do that and it made him think hard about it. Years later and after he died, it occurred to me that by making the first move, but not actually apologising, I actually got one over on him - and I think he had worked that out too.

Maybe this will give some people food for thought if their estrangement is over a row. Be the bigger person and make the first move - without necessarily apologising. Of course, it's a different story if the other person causes problems on an ongoing basis.

Wilmer, why do you think he would never have got in touch?

Jem**You are just that... a gem. You saw a wrong in the family , you made the call and righted it. How many in laws would do that and realize the pettiness of it all.to you for being the grown up.
I agree with many of you but in my case we have reached out to my stepson and his wife with voicemails, emails and texts. They don't answer and to me that is worse than telling us to take a flying leap. We don't know what we did. How cowardly to run and hide instead of having a conversation. I cannot make anyone talk if they don't want to. We are going on two years of estrangement. We have called to ask to see the grandsons but we get nothing. How could they rip those children from us when we saw the oldest one each week for three years? The little one was only born two years ago.
The longer this goes on the less likely I want to make amends. I would always be walking on eggshells and living in fear of another estrangement. I only care about the GC not their parents as the children are innocent.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosyglow you sound absolutely lovley

"The main reason I have decided to leave it is because, after lots of thought, I realised that I actually can't mend things. Why? *Because nothing was ever broken.*"

That sums it up really doesn't it. If its always been that way, you can't fix something that was never broken.

Lucklegs because I knew him too well. He went through life never apologising or making an apology immediately followed by the word 'but...'. It's who he was, but I still loved him. I realised a lot of men are like that with apologies. My brothers and husband rarely apologise for something without say 'but... '. My husband is better now though because we've discussed this, but not long after we married, I do remember being in the middle of a shop once with my husband. He was apologising for something and said 'but...', and I thought "OMG I have married my Dad!". It's a bit of a standing joke in our family these days when one of them is saying sorry for something.

Rosyglow your story is very sad.

Oh Rosyglow as you already know, through our exchange of pm's, my story mirrors yours in many respects particularly the illness, having a close call with meeting our maker, and the lack of contact from DIL. I am very fortunate, and not a day goes past when I don't remind myself, that we live close to my son and he brings our grandson to see us twice a week. (I don't want to sound smug so hope it doesn't come across that way). I feel sorry that he has had to assume the responsibility for this as his partner does not work and, before the estrangement, we could go round to the house during the day and see our DGS. All arrangements were made with son's partner leaving him free to concentrate on the important things - like working long and hard.

I won't go over the reasons for the estrangements but suffice is to say we tried very hard to be supportive but unobtrusive grandparents. In return we have been on the receiving end of insults and accusations that have left us shell-shocked. We have turned the other cheek more than once, but after a highly insulting email from her accusing US of being responsible for her and my son rowing ( because he didn't believe her lies about us),we have kept our heads down and not made further contact. We didn't hear anything from her until relatively recently when she has sent round 'things' for us. We thank her via my son but don't take it any further.

Like Rosyglow we're not sure if there is anything to mend. It's not a question of pride, it's just that neither DH nor me wants any more nonsense. I am happy just to be alive
right now and that, together with seeing our son and DGS, is all that's important to us.

I do admire you Rosyglow you have been so brave enduring what you have. Your DIL sounds so heartless and it's not hard to see why your son has lost respect (ditto mine!). Basically it's jealousy. Some young women just cannot bear to think that there's 'another woman' in their partners life. What they don't realise is that men who love and respect their parents usually make good husbands and partners. Unfortunately, they're usually too self-obsessed to see it.

Hi Roseyglow and Fairydoll - your stories sounds so like mine. Son is now desperate to leave d-in-law but knows she will make it difficult to see the children. In my more charitable moments I feel sorry for her - she had a lovely husband who adored her and would do anything for her and she has destroyed that - and I think it is very likely she will drive the children away too if she tries to control them as they get older. I think she`s going to be a very lonely old woman

Various members of my family have been estranged and I could never understand it. Life was too short and family is family. Maybe that is why I never really confronted my younger sister about anything, along with the fact that she gets hysterical and mean. However, I am now estranged from her after she did something so awful to my DD and her family because she had fallen out with DD. Her actions were completely spiteful and borne out of jealousy but my main reason is that I have realised that I can't trust her; without trust you really can't have a relationship. We have talked about what happened, against my better judgement, but she makes excuses for her behaviour and tells more lies. It broke my heart as I had been like a mother to her throughout our lives and I really thought we were close. I spent time in counselling because the grief was so huge but as time goes on, I realise a weight has also been lifted from my shoulders. I try not to make family events awkward so will be polite but apart from that, I am totally disinterested.

Rosy, one day that little granddaughter will want to find out about you, I know mine has, this is no consolation or comfort to you now, it is downright cruel in fact. Write your gd letters that you don't post, addressed to her, telling her how you watched her progress via your son, how you loved him so much you stood back as for some reason, your dil didn't want you in your lives, have solicitor give them after your no longer here. Tell her that if one day she is lucky enough to have a child, you always put them before yourself, which is what you have done for your son. This probably sounds hard on your dil and I don't believe in being vindictive at all, but she will wonder why she never saw you and she will at least know it was out of your hand to do so. Now with face time and social media she will probably be in touch long before that and the letters will never be given. I wish your son would stand up to her.
Fairy doll, glad you see your son and grandchild, I wouldn't be bothered about dil either.
These selfish, controlling women, what a bad example they set their children.

Doesnt always follow Luckylegs, my grandkids were brainwashed when they were growing up they are adults now and I dont see them!

This thread started off very fair and well balanced, but it seems to have degenerated into people just slagging off their relatives – and we already have a thread for that! When someone posts that everything is someone else’s fault, I think it is only natural to be aware that there is always another side to every story.

Rhinestone, when you say “I only care about the GC, not their parents” my immediate thought is that your stepson’s children are not your GC and these children will already have two loving grandmothers and a grandfather in their lives. For you to post hostile comments about a couple who are not related to you and then complain that this couple won’t let you see their children doesn’t make any sense to me. Perhaps it would be better if you took a step back from this relationship. I think you have also mentioned in previous posts that you are estranged from your own son and his family and I wonder if you are equally convinced that this all their fault – it does seem something of a coincidence.

Some GPs seem to think that once their GC are adults, they will have a burning desire to make contact, and these GPs will be able to open the children’s eyes to how horrible their parents are. Some even going as far as writing letters/cards but not posting them in the hope they will in time be able to show these as “proof” of their side of the story. It seems very cruel to be looking forward to trying to cause trouble between parents and their children and if the GC have had a happy childhood with loving parents, they will not want to make contact with someone who has caused their parents unhappiness. Also, the parents will only have to point to the derogatory comments made about them by these estranged GP to show a completely different side to the story. It is worth remembering that anything you post on the internet today will be there forever and I really can’t understand how bringing your grievances to a public forum can possibly help the situation. As for posters who have never met any of the families but vigorously agree that the estranged adult children are all to blame - how can you possibly feel qualified to make a judgement?

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True Madamecholet there are two sides to every story and its easy to be blinkered when venting when your full of resentment and anger. Its also easy for children and grandchildren to read whats been said and know that your the one being talked about.

What I have seen on the estrangement threads is that people dont want to move on, theres so much anger in their lives all they can do is vent. You have to get past that anger and let go as all its doing is destroying yourself and your family.

Ive not disclosed my circumstances re estrangement theres no point, Im past all that now my kids have made their choice, I still love them even though I dislike their behaviour towards me. My door will always be open for them.

I think I may of vented abit too much I just wanted to get across that there are 2 sides to estrangment.

My heartfelt thanks to those of you who have offered understanding of my situation.

I made the mistake of assuming that anyone with empathy would realise that, because of said situation, my life is full of regrets.

Pedantry is alive and well on GN.