Regrets about being estranged from people..

No, it's not pedantry, Rosyglow and of course it is understood that your life is full of regrets, no-one is saying it is not. That is why this thread was started - for regrets.

Rosyglow, those of us who are estranged also have a life full with regrets, we deal with estrangement according to our circumstances and as best as we can to the best of our ability. You are not on your own! No one is being pedantic its their way of coping!

The problem is that there are two points of view on this thread.

If you are the ones who have cut someone out of your life then you have an entirely different point of view from the person who has been cut out.

If you have been cut out unwillingly then it can be hard to understand why this has happened. If, on the other hand, you have chosen to cut someone out of your life then it makes perfect sense to you.

I'm talking about long-term 'cut outs' here too, not temporary ones that last a few weeks, months or even a couple of years. The ones that are final, bar a deathbed reconciliation.

"You are not on your own"...Thank you for your understanding, I am fully aware of that fact, which is why I looked on GN for others in the same situation, to see if I could make sense of things.

The pedantry I referred to is the making an issue of the fact that many of us failed to actually mention in our posts that we have regrets. As I said previously, I assumed - wrongly it seems - that regrets were a given.

Let's not get all gruntled or disgruntled about what's been said or not said.

Oh for goodness sake, please don't let this thread go down the route of one that was recently deleted by GNHQ.

Just let posters repent or vent. Absolutely no need to throw a spanner in the works.

Haven't we had enough of that already?

Fairydoll, this thread has helped me to think about my sister, and I have now written a card asking if she would like to meet me although I have not posted it yet. If she chooses not to respond then I will accept it. I won't dwell on it and at least I will have reached out, and it is thanks to jemimavintage starting it that I have done so.

The other thread has its uses, but I see this thread in a different light and like yourself I would hate to see it go the same way as that one did. There has maybe been a slight misunderstanding by some recent posters about the meaning of regrets on this thread, but I see it as a way of thinking about the possibility of making amends while there is still a chance, but others may disagree with me.

Anya, no one is getting gruntled or disgruntled about what's been said or not said.

Sorry Mumsy, I should have said hopefull they might get in touch and I do hope they do.
Madame Cholet you are probably better qualified than I with your interpretation on the subject. Of course, noone should slag anyone off, especially their isn't family, also there are two sides to every story. The people on here just feel at a loss as to how to get their families on track again. It us a situation you never expect to find yourself in.

Madamecholet.

Although I actually agreed with you regarding something you posted recently, I cannot agree that children who have a happy childhood will not wish to seek out their grandparents.

My mother was estranged not only from her father ((her mum died very young), but also her father and mother in law. I never saw any of my grandparents.

It's too long a story to relate here but not long after my mothers death in 2014, I discovered that my paternal grandfather had died the year I married DH and he was living only 5 miles from DH's family home - that was a bizarre co-incidence as he (my grandpa) originally lived over 100 miles away. He died alone having lost his wife, my dad (at age 32) and his daughter two years later at the same age. He must have been so lonely. My mum had a lifelong habit of cutting people out of her life on a whim. I cannot help but be angry with her for preventing me seeing or having a relationship with my grandparents. She should have given me more info as I grew up so that I could make the decision whether or not to see them. So, yes, my regret is that I never met them.

Really mumsy ? You could have fooled me.

Here we go again Madamecholet. Maybe I can clear things up for you.
I have a stepson that I have had a very good relationship with since he was fourteen.He married and had two children. He baca me self serving and selfish with an attitude of entitlement.We took care of his grandparents until the day they died. He saw them twice a year and never helped us with anything, but he found time by the grace of these grandparents to use their cottage on the lake when it suited him. They did not leave in the cottage. We babysat for three years every week picking up their child twenty minutes away and returning him thirty minutes away. Neither parent would pick up their child from our house. All we did was take care of three elderly parents and babysit his son and the other two grandchildren. He and his wife had ten weeks off every summer. We live twenty miles away but they never visited us. We did all the work, taking them out to eat, giving them money and free childcare. When their second child came my father in law was very ill. We could not babysit every week. It was too much. They had two unmarried non working mothers to help them. At one time we had three parents in three different hospitals. We were exhausted as my daughter had no one but me to help her and I was doing that. One night we went out to dinner and my stepson would t talk to his dad. We pretended not to know. The next day his wife said in an email that her boys deserved a better grandfather. Why? We don't know? We have tried to find out with calls, texts and emails and there is no response. And there wasn't even an argument. So that is why I don't care about them anymore. And Madame I have the right to feel that way. Why care about someone who doesn't care about you?
As far as my son is concerned he estranged himself from the family saying " its not us , it's him "whatever that means. So before you judge me missy be sure to hear the facts.

Rhinestone, you shouldn't have to reply to this person with an explanation. What you need, like all of us is support. How someone can judge without knowing the facts I don't know, but your not asking for judgement. If you didn't care, and was selfish, thinking you had all the answers, you would not be posting on here. I am afraid I responded to a post by this person, which I now regret, I usually just ignore the judgemental, negative people.
? To everyone.

People can judge because we only hear 1 side of the problem.

Blimey, go, that's a daft thing to say. Good job the legal system doesn't work like that.

I hope your sister responds Pollengran it's small comfort I know, but at least you'll know you tried.

I posted on this thread several pages ago and said that I'd always regret our estrangement from our son, my biggest regret being that our love for him wasn't enough to bring him back to us.

We have tried but to no avail. He wanted space, we gave it to him; he needed time, we gave him that too but that was seen as our abandonment of him. Despite being so desperate to see our GC when he was just a baby, we held back for fear of being too pushy as that was one of the things we'd been accused of. That was then taken as our lack of interest in our GS. Heads we lost, tails we lost.

I did something on Sunday that I'd always felt sure I'd regret if I ever did it; I emailed our ES and goodbye. I told him that he always was and always would be loved and that as heartbreaking as it was, I believed the time had come to say goodbye.

I regret and always will, the need to say it but I'm glad that I have. For the first time in 4 years I no longer feel weighted down by our estrangement and everything that entails.

In a matter of weeks we'll be moving from our home of 28 years, in the village we've lived in for 30. Living 350 yards from them has been a nightmare. Physically moving away and saying goodbye has set me free to move forward and hopefully find some peace.

I hope it sets him free too.

“Before you judge me missy be sure to hear the facts”. What we have heard may not actually be the facts, Rhinestone, it is your version of a family disputes that IMO would be better kept private. You sound very angry with life and seem to react strongly when someone questions you and I wonder if this is how you deal with other family members. As for calling me “missy” – what is that all about?

Luckylegs, you complain about a lack of support, but you already post on a “support” thread where you are all being left alone to sympathise with each other. Until recently this “regrets” thread has been a courteous discussion where posters have been able to express various different points of view, including posts from those who have estranged themselves and others who have been cut off. There are always two sides to a story and it has been interesting and informative to hear both points of view. Calling someone judgemental and negative because they express a perfectly valid opinion is not constructive and adds nothing to the discussion.

I agree with you, Fairydoll, and would also dispute Madamecholet's view that someone with a happy childhood will not need contact with estranged grandparents.

My mother would never speak about her parents, as she'd cut off contact in her late teens, before I was born. I loved my mother dearly, but she was a stubborn woman and I'll never know whose "fault" this was. I haven't even seen a photo of them, and would dearly love to have had at least that. Consequently neither my sister or I, none of my children, nieces, or their children, and so on ad infinitum, will know anything about this branch of our family. That's a big call for one person to make on behalf of us all.

LuckylegsYou are absolutely correct. I should NOT have responded to *Madamecholet*Whoever that person is seems to want to be the One who says mean things on this thread and the other that we post on. Some people don't want to listen. They just want to judge and be mean.

Yes, you're right Maggiemaybe that is a big decision for one person to make when it has consequences for so many. It's ridiculous to assume that children who have happy childhoods will have no need to know grandparents they've been taken away from.

It's not just the grandparents they lose out on either, in many cases they become detached from an entire family. At some point questions will be asked and answers will need to be supplied.

I think this is getting rather bitter which is a shame as this thread started off so well.

Please let's not assume that people 'want to judge and be mean'. As I said in an earlier post there are two different points of view at work here and so people are coming at the problem from one of two standpoints.

Those who have cut someone out of their lives usually think they have good reasons for doing so. Rightly or wrongly.

Those who are at the receiving end of being cut out are often quite confused as to why they have been treated like this. Some may not have deserved this treatment while others may have brought it on themselves - without understanding why.

So no one is being deliberately 'mean' they are simply looking at this from a different place.

I don't know why Anya but it seems that the subject of estrangement cannot be discussed without bitterness being present. All too often it seems to be less with what is being said and more to do with the way it is.

When you are the person who has 'cut someone out' which is a horrible phrase, you always get people who assume we are jealous or, have mental health problems, or want to control situations.

Honestly we just wanted a quiet life. When you feel bullied, disrespected and put down by the same person for years something will snap, somethings got to give. When that same person sees nothing wrong with what they are doing, where do you go from there? If you can't communicate what happens then?

Madamecholet

It may not be your intention, but reading your posts on this thread and the other, now defunct, support thread you seem almost determined to 'judge'. You made a sweeping statement regarding children from happy families not needing to seek out their grandparents. On what basis do you make that contention? Based on my experience that is simply not true

Yes of course people post about private family matters which concern them. For the most part posters remain anonymous and it is cathartic for them to say exactly what is in their heart and what bothers them . What is wrong with that? The fact that you don't know 'the other side' is neither here nor there.

When confiding to a friend, you would not expect the friend to say, 'I need to hear the other side of the story before I can comfort you.' You wouldn't feel the need to justify everything you confided.

The Support thread that ran to thousands of posts had to be deleted due to posters who, I'm guessing (yes, JUST guessing) had most likely been the ones to instigate an estrangement and were seeking to justify it by turning the blame on the GP's who posted there. It really did seem like that. And then there were the posters who were so happy with their lot that they felt they needed to stir things up on the thread and cause a bit of controversy by winding up the regular posters.

IMO, a support thread is meant to be non-judgemental and 'supportive'. Please, please let it stay that way.

madamecholet

A little postscript....

Your message to Rhinestone. Of course she would post her version. Who else's version would she post?

I have to say that you seem a little bitter yourself - it really does come across like that....almost as if you're batting things away from yourself. Self protection, maybe?
Hope I'm wrong. I stand to be corrected, of course....