How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

Also it's boys - they may love us but will never feel as obligated as a daughter to keep in touch.

I haven't, despite assurances from my grown up kids.

If the Dawins sons can forgive their mother (canoe disappearing act) then others could follow their example. She admits she did a wicked thing by going along with husbands so called death. But slowly, along with amazing DiLs they reforming a relationship with her. The thing your son has not realised is that you did the best with the resources you had at the time. He might think he is a better parent, but wait till his grow up. You may or may not be around then, but he will more than likely regret how he has treated you. How gratifying it is to read comments saying we as parents are not perfect.

Sometimes it takes a kind strong woman to encourage their partner to forgive and move on. They are the best kind. Sometimes children want to go through life blaming anyone but themselves for their own failures in life.

Forgive yourself now for any mistakes you may have made and make the best of your life. You deserve it.

What's your definition of a great Mum then because the way in which you describe your early marriage and what you managed to achieve I think you were a bloody saint. I think that your family will need you long before you need them. Don't try to hard to build a relationship 'cos I don't think you have anything to apologise for. We would all like what we perceive as perfection but seldom if ever happens

I know exactly how you feel.
Our eldest son is the same. Apparently I treated him differently to his younger brother.
He has disowned us twice. The first time he did it I broke my heart. The second time, I decided not to beat myself up about it.
I did my best, and that's good enough for me.

It is very sad that your son has felt the need to criticise you and to refuse to empathise with your difficult circumstances when you were all younger.

I wasn't a brilliant mother in many ways although I adored my two children.

I was a full time teacher and mother and my DH was away from the house twelve hours a day so he saw little of the children. I was stressed and overworked and wanted the children to do well at school to escape the poverty trap I was in when I was little and my parents were arguing and divorcing. Thus, they had pressure put on them to do well that perhaps others didn't.

Now they are older my daughter often says, 'We were awful mum. I was really naughty.' (She wasn't, she was as good as gold - though extremely outspoken). My son made his disapproval of 'expectations' quite clear as he was growing up by doing little work at school and winding up his teachers though now he is lovely and seems to appreciate his privileged schooling.

I think most children come to an awareness of the efforts, goodwill and love their parents have put in when they themselves mature and perhaps your son has not grown up enough to see this yet.

My own parents were pretty lacking in many respects. My mother was loving but neglectful and my father was a great deal worse in his behaviour. When I was grown up I saw no point in upsetting them with accusations as they too were products of their own upbringing and both had fairly deprived childhoods.

Perhaps you could write a kind letter to your son outlining the difficulties you were under when they were smaller and saying that you always loved your childen and wanted the best for them. He cannot ignore the goodwill in a gesture like this and refuse to reconcile for the future, surely. It will put the ball in his court and require him to make the effort to reply with equal goodwill. If he refuses it will reveal to him what is true, that he is in the wrong and is being curmugeonly and sulky.

Good luck. It's a minefield. Gransnet seems to have a host of grandparents and parents who are suffering from the poor behaviour of others.

Out of interest Joyfully did the canoe couple's marriage survive after their prison sentences? Well done to those lads rebuilding a relationship after their parents did that and so publicly!

If your kids had a roof over their heads, clothes and food they were lucky, he really needs to grow up a bit and be grateful that you stayed there and struggled on..

Life is not easy for some people and can change in an instant so he may yet have struggles of his own to face, let him get on with his miseries and don't feel guilty.

I too had a similar life with my husband and 4 children. As they were older We both made amends to our kids and they were accepted by 3 of them telling us we did the best with what we had. We have a fantastically close relationship with those 3. Unfortunately the 4th child grew up resentful and angry and blamed us for everything that went wrong in their life. We don't have any contact and haven't seen the estranged grandchildren as they are used to 'punish' us. My attitude to all this is that some of my child's problems may have my name on them but at the age of 45 the solutions have their name on them. I wish them well but have no contact as its too toxic. My other children also because of their own problems with their sibling have no contact either. Sadly that's families !

bee63.....speaking as someone who had a pretty dire childhood due to our father I'd just say this. You cannot 'undo' the past but you can do something in the future if the chance arises.
The trouble with our family was that he never admitted he had done anything wrong and went to his grave seeing himself as the victim of ungrateful children.

Do not let that be your path. If your son really makes no effort to keep in touch you cannot force the matter but if in the future he does want to attempt any form of rapprochement listen to him and try to see it from his point of view rather than putting your views too forcefully. You might just have to bite your lip and let him have his say.

To be honest It sounds as if he has decided you were the villain when in fact you were just doing the best you could in some pretty testing times. He might prefer to blame you for things that he sees as all your fault and you will probably never be able to dissuade him. Sometimes its so much easier to be able to blame our own shortcomings on someone else!

Parent/Child relationships are fraught and as we all get older it can actually get more difficult. The idea of writing a letter is good....set all your thoughts out as clearly and as level headedly as you can and set the letter aside, read it the next day and if you still feel the same way - post it. You might find that putting it all down in writing and just putting the letter at the back of a cupboard, or even then tearing it up is actually enough to help you cope with this.
He sounds as if he may not begin to understand things for many years but please give him a chance if and when he does. In the mean time you can take huge comfort in knowing that just by wanting to try and by recognising how painful this is you are a million miles away from a Bad parent. You are fully aware of his pain and although times were hard when you were bringing him up you were just doing the best you could at the time. All the very best.

I think you are probably right that he blames you for staying with your husband. I find it hard not to blame my own mother for this and it is the one thing she would never acknowledge. It would have been difficult with three small children but as the child in that situation it feels as if the husband or marriage is put before them and the abuse enabled and acknowledging that you know that you should have left might help.

No one sets out to be a 'bad mother' . we all do the best we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. Time and reflection by your son when and if he becomes a parent may heal the rift - i truly hope so for both of you.

What's a good mum? Sounds like a similar position to mine. If I hadn't worked full time there wouldn't have been a roof over our heads etc. My eldest son continually complained that I sent him to school in short trousers (uniform he's nearly 50 now) when all the other boys wore long trousers. It was needs must they were given to me. I got so pissed off with him that I told him if that was the worst thing I ever did then he didn't do too badly. Tell him to get over it, sounds like he wants to blame somebody for his childhood so he's picked on you.

Bee63' I have a good idea what you had to go through to bring up your children, and you deserve a medal. I was a nasty, bullying alcoholic husband. I put my wife through hell, for the first twenty years of our married life. Why she stayed with me, I'll never know. My two daughters, must have thought they had some kind of monster for a father. I've been fairly sober now, for forty years. Fortunately, for my wife and family, I had a site engineer, on the job I was working on, and he introduced me to AA. I never looked back after that. My wife also worked full time, and raised three children. Our oldest daughter, held some resentment against her mother, as she felt our younger daughter was favoured by their mother, as she protected her from me, more than she'd done with our older girl. Our son was fortunate, as he'd come late and missed all my violence. My wife passed away after fifty five years with me. I know now, how hard she struggled to give our children, a home and love. I know there were times, she was short tempered, and got angry. No one could blame her, with the life she was having. She must have been in utter misery at times. I'll carry the guilt and regret, for the rest of my days, for what I did to my wonderful wife. I have some consolation, that I was here, to nurse her through a terminal illness, for the last if fifteen years of her life. But I wish every day of my life, that I could turn the clock back, and give her and my daughters, a better life. So Bee63, if you went through what I put my wife through, never doubt yourself. You were a wonderful mother. Never let anyone try to tell you any different. If your son, doesn't realise what you did for him, he must be so self centred, he is a lost cause. As I said you deserve a medal.

I think that you looked after your children the best way you could under very difficult circumstances. You say you have 3 children. Do you have contact with the other 2? What is your relationship with your husband like now? I think that he is projecting a bit here. Is he struggling with jobs, money, relationships?

You did not abuse him, you provided him with a home and took care of him and being exhausted and stressed is not your fault and understandable. I think I would write him a letter emphasising that your regret how bad your relationship is now and you did the best you could in difficult circumstances and the door is always open for him to contact you if he wants to try and rebuild a relationship as adults. Then put it to the back of your mind.

All we can do as parents is the best we are able to at the time.

What can I say. Redemption. Well done Balini, I admire your truthfullness and honesty. You can't turn the clock back, but seems you did everything to redeem yourself, so don't beat yourself up too much.

As mothers, we all did the best we could with the resources available at the time...

Bee63 what a lot of wonderful advice & insight on here, I hope it helps you. I think in your position I would write a letter saying how much you love your son & that you know how hard his childhood was but you did your best to give him a loving childhood. Leave the door open for him to ask questions (I know that will be painful) & leave the door open for him to contact you, I would not contact him further unless he wishes to talk - I hope this will make him think & perhaps he will realise he has to make some effort to maintain a relationship with you.

I had a different situation in that my H left me when DD was 5, we were going through some difficult times financially (he left me for an older woman - always ran away from problems!!).

I was on my own for 3 years with DD until I met the kindest, most loving man who had recently divorced (2 grown up children living with him).

We moved 250 miles away from my Mum & Step-father to live with him for 2 years & then we were married for 21 years until his sad death.

I made mistakes as we were both fond of a drink but we worked hard, my DD has always been supportive & loving - never harking back to the past (we have discussed it), I still have contact with my Step-daughter, SiL & 2 DGC, step-son on the other hand when his father was ill with cancer tried to take over "he's my father", my response was "he's my husband & I'm the one who has looked after him 24/7 until he went into Hospital". Even on the day of the Funeral he was only interested in some stamps of his Dad's (thought they were valuable) which I couldn't find. I later sent him a pair of his Dad's favourite cuff-links - no response!! Contact has ceased gradually, I no longer send Birthday or Christmas cards/presents to him, his partner or (obnoxious) GC.

Families are a minefield, I hope it works out for you but if not I would just shrug & say "it's his loss"

We can all look back and wish we could have done things differently; hindsight is a terrible thing, blighted by a view of the past which is distorted by today's
values. I only had two children and I still struggled. Goodness knows how you coped. Unless you beat up your kids or mentally abused them you need to lighten up. Your son sounds selfish, needy, ungrateful and too willing to blame someone else for problems in his own life. Blaming others seems to be the new norm these days. Don't let him do this to you.

Be63 I'm going through same thing but with a daughter. I pass her sometimes in the car but haven't spoken for over 5 years. It's broken my heart and I'm now having CBT. I was advised by a friend to phone Talking Therapy if they operate in the area you live in. Here we can just phone them no referral needed from GP. I am sure like me you did the best thing for your children that you could. I'm hoping that the help I am getting will help me cope in ways I hadn't thought of as I'm clearly not coping at mo. Good luck and I do recommend Talking Therapy if you have that.

I am sure you have found some good support from posters. There seems to be a fashion over the last 50 years or so to 'blame' parents. In the 1800's people just got on with life and tried to make something of it. Some children starting out to work aged 9!! Some of their occupations - chimney seep, coal mines etc were absolutely dreadful.

Part of growing up is to understand how ones parent did their best under the circumstances. Secondly to realize that what you didn't have by the time you are 29 you can give yourself.

It is up to your son now. He needs to realize that his difficult childhood has actually given him strengths that are useful in his every day life. Also that some of his characteristics are directly related to deciding to be better at some aspect of life. For me I try to be reliable as my parents - GP's before the health service were unreliable.

You must not beat yourself up. You may want to put together a life story photo album for your son with little comments about how you enjoyed a particular day or birthday.

One day hopefully he will get over his personal difficulties and be glad to have a mother who is as caring as you are.

If it's any consolation I was a full time mum, only taking part time jobs when the children were older. I put (or so I thought) my heart and soul into being a good mum and thought I'd actually found the one thing in life that I was good at. I was working half days but sometimes 12 hour days when my grandchildren were born, but was still 'on call' whenever I was needed, which sometimes meant driving to their house in the middle of the night and crawling into work shattered at 8 am. I've now been told that I'm an awful grandmother who doesn't care about the children and not a good mother either. DD feels that I should be be doing far more to help her balance work with motherhood, but I'm now struggling to do things that I did just a few years ago. As mothers, we just can't win IMO.

Like tiggerI had to go back to work when DD2 was very young. Husband made redundant .I found out much later that he used to shout at them a lot ,though never hit them or anything .Taking out his frustrations about not getting another job (was several years before he was in ft employment again .)I meantime rose quite quickly up the ladder but it meant I spent long hours in a very stressful job.I don't think he grudged my sucçess and was proud of me (and of course life improved financially)But looking back I know I over -proritised it and the children. There was little emotional or physical energy left for him .I think he subconsciously resented this -who wouldnt .
Interestingly as my DD s have got older (now late twenties) and have experienced some of the things life throws at you they are much more understanding of the pressures we were under and have a very good relationship with their father (the marriage did survive!).They understand he adores them and would do anything for them. Maybe girls mature earlier and are better at empathy? I suspectyour son doesn't yet have a family. Maybe he might display better understanding if/when he does .

Well this resonates with me
I wasn't a great mum
I was under alot of pressure in a demanding job and permanently stressed with a fairly weak husband
My daughter age 30 was not the most cooperative through childhood and teens and we had an equal part volatile and v loving relationship
She struggled with my divorce which was not handled well by we parents but every effort I made to compensate and fix things has been a struggle.even now she is a mother herself ( with her own monumental set of problems ) I am punished for my bad mothering only remembering the bad bits and having things thrown back at me 15,years on is hard . I have apologised for the past I have seen counsellors and I have tried very hard to move on. I Have moved heaven and earth to support her emotionally and financially .I suppose I am saying you cannot control how other people proccess their emotions or how they internalise their childhoods .you can throw buckets of love and regrets at them but if they cannot accept it yes you are stuck - with the guilt and the remorse . The past is the past but some simply cannot move on and using it as a weapon is their way of coping
I always tell myself I am doing the best I can -as indeed you are but it's painful I really sympathise X

Have you tried pointing out to him how you feel and why you struggled to cope. My situation was different - my mum never felt comfortable in the maternal role - but my 3 kids were taken into care (it's a long story) - my DDs never picked up the pieces and, sadly, are permanently estranged, but DS lived with his gran until he left school and then came to us. He knows that I don't feel I was ever a good mum, but we have agreed to work on getting to know one another and becoming friends. The best we can do, under the circumstances, but better than nothing.