How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

I agree with the person who suggested you write down your feelings (not a justification for the past but how you feel, how you'd like things to be and how you might get from here to there) and post to your son. Keeps the door open - and good luck. Sounds so hard for you

I don't think it's particularly helpful portraying bee63's son as selfish or the villain. Once he was an innocent CHILD who had no choice but to be raised in an abusive home, where at the very least, he was witnessing abuse (this is considered a form of child abuse), and probably felt terrorised by his father.

Being directly abused or witnessing abuse can be incredibly traumatic and damaging, and something that many adults, let alone children, struggle to deal with. Some never come to terms with it. Abuse is something that should never be minimised, and I'm appalled by the fact that some people think that it's something that victims of child abuse should just get over and stop moaning about. Maybe we should start telling victims of spousal abuse to do the same.

Bee63 has stated that she felt that she wasn't a particularly good mother, that her son had an awful childhood, and that there was ABUSE. So clearly, her son has every right to be angry.

Bee63, you were clearly in a terrible situation, but your son is probably angry with you for raising him in an abusive home, and not protecting him from the abuse. And as I've mentioned already, simply witnessing abuse is abuse. There is no such thing as a child being raised in an abusive home and not being negatively affected, often badly affected by it.

There is a chance that he doesn't want anything to do with other family members because they were enablers or continue to enable, e.g. covered things up; turned a blind eye; made excuses; minimised the abuse and told him to 'get over it'; called him a liar; were angry when he wanted to talk about certain things; didn't believe him when he asked for help; accused him of being a troublemaker, selfish or unforgiving etc. when he spoke out or refused to put up with bad or abusive behaviour. In an abusive situation, individual children can also be singled out for abuse, or can be expected to take care of the family, and are often blamed for the behaviour of the abusive parent, or expected to take care of the abused parent. This can be an impossible burden for a child to carry.

Bee63, you've stated that 'I haven't explained everything about my relationship with his father.' Your son has probably picked up on this and doesn't trust you as a result. If you do ever get a chance to speak with your son, then maybe honesty is the best policy. You may not get the result you want but at least you tried.

This is obviously a very complicated situation, but people blaming your son isn't going to help, and will only make matters worse. It is an attitude that will drive your son away. Also, I think it's important to remember that on the one hand, bee63, you are a victim of abuse, but on the other, your son is also a victim, and that mustn't be ignored.

Oh Bee please don't beat yourself up about the past. How brave of you to even discuss this.

My sister has a wonderful expression to describe mothers in general "a mothers place is in the wrong". This never fails to make us laugh, shrug our shoulders and say "yes, right!"

Your post says to me that your son is being extremely mean and thoughtless. Whether you were good bad or indifferent ..... So what. He's now an adult and should let the past go. I doubt he's the perfect human being as not many of those around.

My parents were utterly useless as parents/people. I never bothered with recriminations with them. Just did my (inadequate) best for them.

I'm wondering if counselling would help you to accept the present situation so that you can move on with your life. I would speak to your Gp & ask for help.

Wishing you a happy future x

No-one can be a perfect parent and it is all too easy for children as adults to throw things back at you, often casually, which can pierce your heart with guilt. No doubt your son did suffer as a child but as someone has said, adult children have a responsibility to do something about it (discussion, therapy) and not be perpetual victims. (And before anyone takes issue with this, I had a fairly traumatic childhood but decided long ago to not let it distort my adult life.)

Something I read once which has always helped me if a wave of guilt washes over me: "Good parents will always feel guilty about something or other - it's the parents who feel they have done everything right who are probably far from perfect."

Guilt is a corrosive emotion - all you can do is to get on with your life and let your son know that you will always be there for him come what may.

As adults, we should all be expected to take full responsibility for our own actions. This includes taking full responsibility for abusing your children, enabling someone who abuses your children, or raising your children in an abusive home.

Bee63, your situation was clearly a terrible one, but you still need to take some responsibility for raising your son in an abusive home. If you haven't done so already, you will probably need to apologise to your son for the choice you made. This may sound harsh because you were also abused, but this may be all your son needs to hear.

I agree with Frue who says 'write down your feelings (not a justification for the past but how you feel, how you'd like things to be and how you might get from here to there) and post to your son.' This way, you won't be judging or blaming your son in any way, because blaming your son or accusing him of being selfish, thoughtless, immature etc. will be the quickest way of completely destroying any chance of a relationship.

It's interesting that so many members are dismissing how your son was treated as irrelevant, but how he was treated does matter. The fact that he was treated so badly (you admitted to his awful childhood and there being abuse) should not be ignored, brushed away or treated as if it's nothing. It sounds as if he's still deeply hurt by what happened.

It does sound as if you're very sincere about wanting to rebuild a relationship with your son, bee63, as you've admitted to not being the best of mothers, and the abuse. Most parents in your situation would never admit to such a thing.

I really hope things work out for you.

Bee 63 ...you are not alone ! but you are very brave to ask for advice ! Lots of good advice on here ....some I will take myself ! Like Jasperis 1, my daughter has not spoken to me in almost 10 years. She told her friends mum I was not a good mother ....luckily her friends mum had known us both since she was tiny ...as had a lot of my other friends ...who wanted to call her and tell her what they thought of the way she is treating me ! I said no, leave it ! ....Bee and Jasperis ...you must learn to think like me ....I KNOW there was nothing I could have done any better ...I DID the best I could, having been left a single parent when she was 6 .....she never went without love, attention, things she wanted (as far as I could afford !) ...I even moved areas so I could afford a nice house and lifestyle to bring her up in. Luckily she loved the new area, and soon made new friends ...it was good that three new girls from different areas of the UK started at the new school on the same day and they are still (or were, last I knew !) friends with her. I sometimes see them on Facebook (and sometimes they post pictures of them all together ...which I love to see, to get an idea of what she looks like now !) ......It used to worry me, but having asked everyone, wracked my brain for reasons, now at last I have given up ...she has her life, she is an adult and it is obviously her decision sad for me though that it .....so PLEASE do not blame yourself ..in your circumstances I believe you did the best you could, as did I ....just hope that one day, before its too late, your son will realise that ....

MonitorMo33,

Its so difficult to see such a complicated matter clearly. So much depends on the individual whether it be child or adult. My siblings and I always felt our Mother was placed in an impossible position - even as children we 'understood' she was literally between a rock and a hard place. She tried her best to show us love but we knew that she did not have the strength of character to free herself. We all left home early and after a few errors along the way made good lives for ourselves. We never saw her as the villain - she was just as much a victim as us....and whether that's right or wrong....it helped us cope. We could forgive her ....move on and build sound emotional relationships with our partners and children.
Before she died there were conversations....she recognised the hurt and we all let her know we did not hold her to blame. Letting go....was part of our healing.
He, on the other hand continued to make our lives unpleasant and right up until his death (and afterwards with a spiteful Will) he continued to act as if he was totally bewildered by our unhappiness.

Living and surviving abuse of all kinds is a personal journey and there should be no hard and fast rules.

Don't beat yourself up about it sounds like Ito me like you did a great job in difficult circumstances. May be over time he will come round. No one gives us a rule book, and tells us what to do, we have to make it up as we go along.

Bee63 - I have nothing more to add but send you my best wishes
for the future

HildaW,

I was also raised in an abusive home. My parents abused me, and they also had an abusive marriage. Because my parents were abusive and didn't take responsibility for their own actions in the way they should have done, I often ended up parenting myself. Sometimes, I even had to parent my own parents, having to repeatedly take responsibility for their bad decisions, including their abusive marriage. When I was in my teens, I clawed my way out of the situation I was in without any help from anyone else, and made a life for myself. I too have been described as selfish, mean, thoughtless e.t.c. for not being in contact with my parents, despite the fact that the situation was dangerous. I have also been told to 'get over it'.

As you say, there are no hard and fast rules, but that does not mean that what happened to bee63's son should be minimized, and he should be automatically viewed as selfish, thoughtless etc. We don't actually know what happened to bee63's son, but his childhood was described as 'awful'.

'Letting go' can be part of healing, but sometimes certain matters need to be addressed before someone can 'let go'. Perhaps there are things that haven't been dealt with, and that's why bee63's son is still so angry, or perhaps he feels the need to protect himself from a situation we don't really know that much about.

As you can see from the posts I've made, I'm not portraying bee63 as the villain, but she does have to take some responsibility for raising her son in an abusive home. Even though she was in a terrible situation, being angry with her son, as she's been encouraged to do by some members, will not help. It will simply destroy any chance of a relationship completely. I think that Frue's advice actually sounds like the best course of action to take.

WE are on your side, thats obvious from the posts. You did your best and if he was the eldest then he suffered from being the eldest of 3 children, or was he the one that the other two left out.
In anycase he must know that he has to get over his mother working when he was a child, and the feelings of neglect which he probably has magnified with time.
Has he children? that usually helps the children to see some sense when they're parents themselves.
Hope he comes to see some sense and you start to stick up for yourself a bit.
It might help if you meet out of the house. Very often when you're on the sofa or at the kitchen table, these rows blow up. Next time, don't sit with him, find something to do, keep it short and don't go down that road.

I sense a lot of pent-up anger in your posts MonitorMo33. What a pity you have burdened yourself with this all your life. Many of us had less-than-perfect parents... I was adopted as a wartime 'What -are-we-going- to -do with- all -these illegitimate -babies ? ' My adoptive parents should never have been allowed within a country mile of children. I could write a book, but unlike so many I'm not climbing on the 'misery' bandwagon. I rose above it, left home asap and tried to be as far removed from their style of parenting as possible when it came to my own. And I made mistakes... the parent who says they never have is deluded. But I have never let it colour my life. I guess I was lucky... I met a man who had an almost idyllic childhood and that restored my faith in parents

I recently had an argument with my 48 year-old son when he told me, very hurtfully, that I was not worthy of respect. I have always backed him to the hilt, when he was doing postgrad studying abroad I sent him funds which I could ill afford: he has never paid me back, in spite of having a good job. I was so amazed at his attitude that I sent him extracts from my memoir ( I had a very difficult childhood) with a note to say that if he read it he might understand more about my response to people and events. I haven't heard from him since! We mothers beat ourselves up, but most of us are good enough mothers, and I personally did not get proper mothering myself, but I did my best. As a previous poster said, it is the son's problem not the mother's. He needs to grow up and try to put himself in his mother's shoes.

Willsmadnan,

You know absolutely nothing about me, and have simply accused me of having 'pent-up anger' because my point of view differs from that of yours and some others. Disagreement does not equate 'pent-up anger', and your accusation of anger does not mean that my point of view is invalid.

My posts have been far more balanced than most who have posted on this subject. I have acknowledged that bee63 was in a terrible situation and was a victim of abuse, but also acknowledged that her son was a victim of abuse. He had an awful childhood and was raised in an abusive situation, but that has been conveniently ignored by some members.

Most of the members who have posted have automatically assumed that the son is the problem and should just 'get over it', and have even used derogatory terms to describe him. I have done nothing of the sort, and neither described bee63 or her son in any kind of derogatory way. Also, encouraging bee63 to shift all responsibility onto the son won't help and will probably destroy any chance of a relationship that she has with him.

I have not been in contact with my family for many years as the situation was, and still is potentially dangerous. However, I am not angry about how I was treated and moved on a very long time ago, so your assumption of being 'burdened' is incorrect. However, I am grieved by the fact that we still make so many excuses for child abuse, and raising children in abusive situations. It is the 21st century, and we should be beyond such archaic and damaging attitudes.

It is perfectly acceptable for me to present another point of view, and explain that maybe the son has a very good reason for not wanting to be in contact. I have already wished bee63 well, as I believe that she is sincere in wanting to rebuild a relationship with her son, and am still of the opinion that Frue's advice is probably the best course of action to take. However, it is important that we all take full responsibility for what we do in this life, including raising children in abusive situations, even if it seemed to be the best thing or only thing that someone could do at the time.

I am so glad I read all these posts. I can totally empathise with all those mothers who were parenting in the best way they could under difficult circumstances . My husband left me when I was pregnant with my daughter and my DS s were 3 and 5. I brought them up on my own and the boys are now fine young men who I get on really well with. My relationship with DD was so good until she became a teenager but she changed and she left home at 16. We have tried to rebuild over the last 10 years and I have given endless support in every way I can and yet I am seemingly the cause of all her mental health problems . She has now labelled me as destructive and my second DH is so upset to see how she has effectively abused my love and support for her. She is getting support from other agencies because all the rest of the family have got tired of her constant problems and issues. It is hard not to keep helping her because of her mental health but I am now the only one that she is mean to . I have had to have counselling and have come to the conclusion that if I am so detrimental to her well being then I shall step back .
It's so sad but the responses here have made me feel stronger and more certain that I have done the best I can. She is 27 and I haven't closed the door entirely but I don't deserve the abuse when my intentions have only ever to help her feel loved and supported. Thank you to everyone on this forum.

I don't think your son has gained enough life experience yet to be able to see how well you actually did in very difficult circumstances. Life throws us all curved balls, perhaps when he's dealt with a few more in his own life he will understand. Till then try to just love him while cutting yourself some slack. X

I also struggled as a Mum when my children were small. My husband was abusive and I suffered from depression. I was working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet. My eldest son went completely off the rails with it all and I ended up having to put him into care at 15 because I had to put my youngest first. My eldest never spoke to me for years and when he did he was abusive towards me, even though I tried to explain. We all do the best we can with what we've got at the time. My eldest is now 37 and has three children of his own. He now understands completely and we have a really close relationship. He has turned into the most amazing son ever.
You hang in there Bee, he sounds immature atm. He'll change, you mark my words. I wish you all the best. X

How lovely Cazzajen that your relationship with your eldest son is so good! Well done to you both.

I think you did your best in difficult circumstances. Your description of yourself could be about me : stressed and exhausted by a demanding job, not enough money, a husband who was a violent alcoholic and after we parted when the children were 2 and 4 he had no contact with them, contributed nothing financially, not even towards his debts I was left with. My mother was critical and unsupportive. When my son and daughter have problems now I often blame myself, thinking if I'd been a better mother they may not have had those problems. Fortunately, now with children of their own, they recognise I did my best and how hard it was for me. I think your son should appreciate you did your best ! Is there someone who could explain that to him ? Perhaps he will come to realise how much you did for him if you keep the communication channels open and try to ignore his attempts to blame you for anything.

OH how I empathize with you Bee63! I had 3children under 2 years old and struggled like mad to keep going. Husband absolutely useless and ended up in prison. No modern facilities at all . Terry nappies permanently soaking in a large dustbin. No washer,no fridge bath in the kitchen . Open fire in the lounge of my one bedroom upstairs flat. No help whatsoever from anyone including my Mother whose attitude was-you made your bed now you lie in it.
Fast forward a few years and I remarried and had another son. He got to 24years old and was serving in the RAF and was killed in an accident in Cyprus.
Since then,21 years ago now my other 3adult children have had very little to do with me. Occasionally one daughter says she wants to rebuild our relationship but as far as she is concerned that means a phone call or maybe a short visit once every 6months. My son now aged 51 I haven't seen for 20 years.
I am sad beyond belief, there is nothing I can do .
Sorry I have gone off the point really. I just realize now that you have children to bring up but then they choose what they want and if it doesn't include you there is no answer.

Thank you all

I will try & rebuild a relationship with my son, but I have to accept that he may want a future without me.
All I can do is apologise to him, explain the extreme stress I was under & hope that he finds it in his heart to understand.
If a relationship isn't possible, I'll feel slightly better knowing at leat I tried.

Thank you again.

Bee63-try to have some compassion for your younger self. You were in a very difficult situation and did your very best.

Try also to see the situation from your son's point of view and perhaps write to him acknowledging how difficult it must have been for him.

When you were bringing him up the general advice was to try to keep the family intact. Women's refuges and women's aid were only just starting. Family attitudes were often of the "you've made your bed now lie on it" nature and our parents felt embarrassed by a family divorce. It can be hard for younger people to realise how different things were.

I would say all this to yourself but still be willing to listen to anything your son has to say and to take responsibility for your part in it without making excuses. It must indeed have been difficult for him growing up in a bad atmosphere as a child. He might still be angry if you had left. You did your best.

Yes, my mothers very words were 'you've made your bed you lie in it', she also said, 'don't think you're coming back here with 3 children' I was totally on my own, she even knew dh was abusive to me. But as you say, I'd have been an embarrassment.

He might see things differently and he may change his mind later. He may not.

I stuck it out with my parents, but I had the courage to say to my relatives " thanks for calling, but I just want to be alone now". This was a tiny sentence but it meant a lot to me.

I was being barraged with photo's, films and memories. They were well meaning and sweet but nobody lived in that house and saw all the arguments. My sister and I always pulled our pillows over our heads when we heard his key in the door.

I hope you reconnect b63. At least you have tried, and I think he will respect that in the future. Just give it time, and never give up.

Bee63,

I know that most have disagreed with my comments, but I applaud you for the fact that you are prepared to apologise to your son for what happened, and are also going to try to explain how things were. However, do not apologise for, or allow him to blame you for his actions as an adult. Even those raised in abusive situations (including me), should be expected to take full responsibility for their actions when they grow up.

I wish you the best, and really hope that things work out.