How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

You did your best, none of us are perfect. But I'm assuming he's a functioning adult with prospects, etc. You helped give him that. He should appreciate your hard work in giving him life and a future.
He's also lucky to have a mum who still cares for him. I lost mine when very young. Would have loved to have her around to moan about about!

Even those raised in abusive situations (including me), should be expected to take full responsibility for their actions when they grow up.

How I agree with that statement, Mo33. I had a very unsettled childhood with a mother who had an unpredictable temper, an appetite for men regardless of their suitability as partners or fathers and had no real empathy with anybody else's feelings. This obviously negatively impacted my childhood and early adulthood but after a while you just have to take responsibility for your own stability and happiness. I always say, she messed up my childhood, I'll be damned if I let that mess up the rest of my life.

I feel incredibly sad for you Bee63 because at least you are prepared to admit that everything wasn't perfect. I think that goes a long way to help than someone like my Mum who justifies everything she ever did. Hopefully your son will get to a place when he feels like he can open up a dialogue and I wish you the best of luck.

I think I know how you feel bee63. I wasn't a very good mum to my first child. My priorities were all wrong - keeping the house clean, cooking nutritious meals and all those practical things - and returning to work made me even more exhausted and stressed. My daughter says I was emotionally distant and, with hindsight, I have to admit that I was very impatient, not at all affectionate and spent very little time playing with her. I do feel guilty but I have done my best over the last twenty-five years or so to go some way towards making up for those earlier deficiencies. Nevertheless, from time to time - if there are any disagreements, I am told what a rotten mum I was.

I think you had a much tougher time than me - caring for four young children at the same time as working and dealing with an abusive husband, I think you were marvellous to be able to cope at all.

I think there must come a time for adults when they stop blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives - unless, of course, they have experienced serious emotional or physical cruelty.

I am sure you did your best in very difficult circumstances and although I know from experience it is easy to fall into a pattern of self-blame, I don't think it really serves any useful purpose other than to encourage adult children to continue seeing themselves as victims - which is really not that helpful for their own self-development.

How interesting that so many of us, myself included, feel we were not the best of mothers to our children. Bee63, do write to your son and tell him things from your perspective, reminding him that you have always loved him. The rest is up to him. Good luck! It sounds as if you were as good a mother as you could possibly be under the circumstances. Perhaps your son will understand better when he becomes a parent himself!

Re adult children blaming their parents for all their ills, I once had an older colleague who, aged 60, still blamed her mother for all that went wrong in her life! There comes a point when ( apart from real abuse of all kinds), adults must take responsibility for their actions.

Such good, supportive comments from all posters above.

I really feel for you, your life sounds like the perfect mirror image of mine, my son left school and done NOTHING but sit on his playstation whilst i worked 17 hours a day.After 9 years (i know) i threw him out and let him get on with it, by this time he was 26!, he hasnt spoken to me since but to be honest at first it hurt now after nearly 3 years i see it as a relief, i didnt undrestand the stress he brought to my life.Now i come home and my house looks the same as i left it, so i dont walk up the path dreading the mess that he would have made ( he sat in squalor, in his room). My other children work hard and are lovely well adjusted adults. He will find his way back at some point

Tough love grannypiper.I hope he can emerge from his difficult situation and one day be grateful to you for giving him the kick he needed.x

mumofmadboys, thank you, lets hope so

Rinouchaka, I do so agree with you about....there comes a point we must take responsibility, and stop blaming our upbringing and/or parents.

I found myself dissolving into a weepy heap in the Doctors about something and she took the time to listen. A recent event had stirred everything up again She recommended a Counsellor who I then went to. My over riding feeling was that I was just so angry at carrying everything around and how it still impinged on my life and my enjoyment of everything good that was happening.

The sessions allowed me to draw a line....emotionally tie it all up in a knot and throw it away. We are all individuals and I did not need to 'dig it all up' I did not need to seek any apologies....I just needed to give myself permission to say 'enough' and walk away. Its worked. I do not need to dredge it all up now....its in the past, he cannot hurt me NOW and I can see the good in the world and enjoy my family and future.
Now and again something might happen that could have sent me back on the route to misery memories - but I just say to myself its a waste of time, nothing can change....look forward. The stories we tell ourselves, the memories we drag up can create so much pain that we just have to say ENOUGH....and move on and enjoy what's to come.

I wish I could go back again as a Mum, as I didn't give my boys the best childhood and it has affected them We have talked about it recently and I've said sorry, they are good with me.

Long story, it was the fact that their father was not a good Dad (not abusive, but not loving/proud of them) I stayed with him, thinking best not to have a broken home, but now realise it would have been best for them if we'd split when they were young.

One boy is now suffering from depression and childhood inadequacies still affect him, he is working hard to sort his head out and be happy in life.I can't help feeling guilt, but now do all I can to support them, even though it can't be much financially.

Bee63 I'm sure you did your very best in the circumstances, he has no idea what you had to contend with. Would it help to write him a letter saying how you feel, and some of what happened then? You could say you will always love him and want the best for him, and hope one day he will want to see you again. And then, try and put it to one side, and do some lovely things for YOU.

'It sounds as if he has decided you were the villain when in fact you were just doing the best you could in some pretty testing times. He might prefer to blame you for things that he sees as all your fault and you will probably never be able to dissuade him. Sometimes its so much easier to be able to blame our own shortcomings on someone else!'

Bee63 could it be that he is emulating his father and blaming you for everything?

Looks that way to me...

Being a 'good mother' is a relative term, not a clear definition.

As my mother said, you try to be the best mother you can be under the circumstances. It seems to be clear that that is exactly what the OP was, the best mother she could be under the very difficult circumstances she was faced with.

No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes, our children vary in character and personality. About a month ago, DD was chatting to me and suddenly, quite dispassionately told me how I had failed her as a mother when she was in her teens. She then resumed our previous conversation.

It was so sudden, unexpected and odd, I was gobsmacked and didn't even mention it to DH for several days. He immediately pointed out several inaccuracies in what she had said. This corroborated errors that had struck me at the time. I also discussed it with DS who is very close to his sister. His immediate reaction was also to point out other errors in her memory, and like DH quoted chapter and verse to support his comments.

DD and I continue our close and affectionate relationship, but it is odd to think that one member of the family's memory of a certain period of her life runs counter to everybody elses. She does have a very bad memory and has said she can remember very little of her childhood. I can only assume she has memories of how she felt as a teenager and came to the conclusion, in the absence of memories, that she felt like that because of my 'neglect' and because she cannot remember me doing various things like helping her with homework, which I did, she has decided I didn't.

There is not much I can do to change her view of her teenage years, so I must live with it. The OP is in a similar, but worse position and I think, sadly, she just has to accept that that is how her son perceives his childhood and there is little she can do change it. However that does not mean his memories or view are right and none of us can go back in time to prove our point.

Sounds similar to my recent conversation with DD,the difference being that she is adamant that her memory is faultless. I'm still struggling with what was said.

DD is adamant that her memories are faultless, despite admitting how poor her memory is!!

The strange thing is that I was allowed no right of reply, where usually there is nothing she enjoys more than a good argument.