No presents this year from my ds and dil

I agree completely with the feeling appreciated thing, momb. I have that appreciation from my daughters and it is certainly a precious gift.

You are also right that it's what the gift represents that's important. So how about people whose kids visit them regard the visit as the gift of appreciation?

Changes of mindset are not easy but I think such a change might help people in the OP's position.

I agree with all you say bags but if this couple have an active social life I don't think it is too much to expect them to bring chocs or flowers or a bottle. I expect they will. Presumably son meant they weren't spending twenty or thirty pounds on each present. I agree Christmas should be about giving and not receiving but as mums we can get hurt easily!!!

Exactly mumofmadboys

True dat (as the young people say!)

The OP reports that they have an active social life. We do not know what they spend on their social life. It's possible to have an active social life without spending a lot of money.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for an adult offspring to tell to his parents that he and his partner don't want to spend money on gifts at xmas but that they're looking forward to visiting the Aged Ps on Boxing Day.

I think the opening post is very judgmental.

I don't think I've ever felt hurt by my offspring. They are not saints and neither am I but we trust each other and, I suppose, assume good faith in all our dealings.

That isn't meant to sound smug. It's like that because that's what my kids' fathers and I have taught them!

And because, being the lovely people they are [OK, insert smug emoji in here], they've learnt it deep into their being.

And the partner of the DD who has one comes from a family like that as well.

I think easily hurt or constantly worrying parents is a huge and unfair burden to place on offspring.

Sorry bags but that does sound a trifle smug, and not likely to help those who do feel 'hurt'. It's not an emotion that we always have under control.

I'll admit to being hurt by things that have been said or done by my 'children' - can't help that feeling, though I don't let it show,

Perhaps that's a failing on my part or perhaps you might see it as such.

FGS, the OP is hoping for a box of chocs, not a golden egg! Telling her to get real and stop moaning, and calling her post judgemental (pot, kettle?) is over the top as well as unkind.

Christmas isnt all about presents! at least your family are visting over xmas be grateful for that! Some of us dont have anyone at this time of the year!

I haven't bought for adults for years now. If they have god jobs they can buy what they want when they want it. Unless you were planning to go in for something really flash what's the point.

If they aren't buying presents then they aren't. and to be fair to all you won't be getting one either.

What sort of chocs would make you feel better, posh ones, Poundland ones ?

If they are coming over the holidays then that is lovely, be pleased to see them and don't let yourself be upset by a pointless ritual that inflicts worry on many at this time of year.

You can look upon the back operation, which I hope has been successful, partly as your present, who wouldnt forgo a box of chocs in such a good cause.

I wouldn't worry about it. Some people find it a bit difficult to think of what to buy, don't have the time, or just find Christmas a bit of a chore. I have 4 siblings and we all decided in our 20s to stop doing presents and just chill out at Christmas and spend time together. So much easier!

Yes, I think it's the way they are prioritising that's hurtful. Sadly I think it's the way of that generation. I'm not sure why, and it is a generalisation but younger people do put much greater store on friends it seems, than we ever did at that age. They also have a lifestyle that won't be curtailed for anything and if they can't keep all of that up, they consider themselves poor. I don't know the answer....maybe give them presents anyway if you want to. It's enjoyable todo that and no one should stop you but on the whole I wouldn't take it personally, even though it feels it at the moment. Sign of the times I fear.

just a small token at Christmas is appreciated but to make excuses is not good we all know Christmas comes round every year so there's no excuse for not being prepared I make sure I always buy for my nearest and dearest
I'm afraid they'd have a scant meal on boxing day accompanied by the words well you know how tight money is

I don't understand this idea of 'adults' that some people keep mentioning. Does that imply you don't buy a Christmas present for your children once they hit adulthood?

This is completely alien to me!!

To be honest I think that spending time with loved ones is more important than gifts (although I agree that a token present would be nice). So many people don't see their families from one year to the other therefore I think you should be happy that your DS will be with you on Boxing Day and staying over. I often see comments about younger people spending money on trips etc but - certainly in my family- many of them want experiences such as weekends away or possessions such as designer handbags rather than save . My own DS was pleading poverty a few weeks ago but is away to Prague this weekend!!

Never mind all the platitudes, they could surely afford a small gift which obviously means a lot. Make sure you spend any inheritance they may have expected is my advice

I think throw-away comments are often made in the spur of the moment and are not actually thought through, so perhaps the mention of Christmas presents just caught DS on the hoof and if he is anything like many men I know, present buying is not something he relishes, so perhaps he just said it without actually having made a conscious decision with DIL about it? I would do as you want to do and if they do arrive empty-handed then you will know for next year and can perhaps pre-empt it in good time with an agreement that presents are now off limits and time together is what matters. Please enjoy your time together - we none of us know what is round the corner (sorry for cliché).

I have no interest in people buying presents, they are not important, my favourite part of Christmas is getting my family together for a nice meal as they all live far away.
I feel your family has been through a bad year and it's a valid enough reason for not giving. However, whether it was family or not I would never not bring a bottle or chocolates as a sign appreciation for the work on your part.

Re reading the OP I quite agree with Scousegirl. Its a matter of prioritising. Finding the money for attending the stag weekend and wedding of friends as well as their social life of weekends away really does make them sound self absorbed and selfish. This is thoughtless behaviour. They've put the poor OP at the bottom of their list of priorities. I don't mean to make poor Scousegirl feel worse, just justified in her feeling unappreciated which is rotten.
bags btw you really are sounding smug!!

grannyglasses

Don't be upset....you might not know the whole story. If you wish to buy them a present I suggest you buy, on their behalf, two places for Crisis at Christmas. It is a wonderful charity that does a lot of work for the homeless who live on the streets. Print out the email you will get and put it in their Christmas card.

Remember to leave their inheritance to the cats' home.

Rise above it Scousegirl. I think this generation are often busy, stressed ,selfish and thoughless at times. Even though you are hurt it matters hugely that they are coming to see you . Buy each one a LITTLE but meaningful and beautifully wrapped gift and say nothing. Make their visit fun and enjoyable and decide you and hubby are going to be happy so that they will want to return and not feel your resentment...though I do understand how you're feeling. In the past if I've felt a bit put upon with my lot I've said nowt and amazingly they seem to later make amends off their own bat. They are sometimes struggling with life themselves and don't tell you about that for fear of worrying you. Enjoy Boxing Day !