No presents this year from my ds and dil

I think a lot of you are missing the point. The son and daughter-in-law spend lots of money on going out and going away for weekends. I think it is selfish that they can do that and not even buy their parents a Christmas present. That is my opinion

From a different perspective, in common with many people of 'our age', I have enough 'stuff' to see me out. Only yesterday I came across a gift my DDs had bought for me several years ago, and which I had 'stashed' away until I could make use of it. This is not the first time this has happened. I love buying presents for the family and fortunately can still afford to do so at the moment. However, I really wish they wouldn't reciprocate. I have asked them to donate to charity etc., but apart from my 70th birthday, a few years ago, they have never done that.
I appreciate this is veering away from the OP, but it just illustrates how tricky things can become if we let them. I wouldn't worry too much about the non-appearance of a gift and just be thankful to be able to spend time together. [tch grin] [tch smile]

Brilliant HurdyGurdy , poor Scousgirl must be feeling even worse reading some of these posts, alot of our generations children have come to think that they must have /do it all , it's almost as if they feel that they don't exist if they don't have & do everything that's on offer ? Should not be at the expensive of downgrading ones own parents!

HurdyGurdy has expressed it very well. Just a small point, why did DiL have to pay for back surgery? Are there lots of 'lifestyle choices' being made by this couple and which take precedence over OP and her DH? As others have said its easy and inexpensive to make lovely gifts. All it takes is time and thought. DS and DiL missing those perhaps?

Seeing them is worth far more than a present, they probably don''t know what to get you anyway. Just love being with them and try not to judge their lifestyle - most young people appear to have a completely different set of values to us. They are giving you the most important present - their time and love.

Join the club! We have never received a present or Christmas card off our son and DIL ever. We have always bought their children presents and cards.We don't retaliate Tit -for-Tat. We always send cards and take over wine and biscuits for them.Here too a box of chocs or Liquorice Allsorts would suffice.They earn around £70000 between them. We are pensioners. It used to hurt but Hey! Ho! if that's what they are like then so be it. Life goes on.

Ps,forgot to say we've stopped doing adult pressies , but think if you are visiting flowers &a a bottle of wine are a must, agreeing with others who have already posted the same

I think a small gift that has had some thought gone in to it would still be nice from you to give them on boxing day and the main thing is they want your company and are wanting to be with you.

I would be very hurt too, their priorities seem to be very different from ours and although I understand not buying for everyone in the family I do think this is thoughtless on their part . I hope your Boxing Day turns out better than you expect

Some very good replies.
I can understand you being upset too, Scousegirl. Our adult children do tend to take us for granted, 'Oh, Mum and Dad won't mind if we economise on their presents' etc.
They would probably be surprised if they knew how you feel.
One of ours is a bit like that, he's not very good at understanding people's feelings.

And to turn the topic on its head, would anyone here have dreamt of telling their parents that they wouldn't get a present at Christmas because they had a friend's wedding and stag do to go to? When we were bringing up our family and seriously strapped for cash, we could still manage to put some thought into presents for our mums and dads - a book they would enjoy, homemade sweets, a framed photo of the children.

Yes, Christmas is about the joy of giving, not receiving. What a shame that this young couple are denying themselves that pleasure.

This thread has really taken off, hasn't it?

I totally understand your upset. But I think you should be who you are honest to yourself, don't let them turn you mean and I think THATBAGGS above had a good idea treat yourself and offer them, you could even say a lovely young lady bought them for us (a new neighbour or someone). Your obviously a giving lady so don't change. I know what kids are like very selfish and hurtful and sometimes lack respect too. You know now so, make sure you think of yourselves first sometimes you have earn it. Have a lovely boxing day, try not to let it upset you. Not everyone has 100% perfect children.

At least you are seeing them, Scousegirl. My partner hasn't seen, heard from or spoken to his son since 2012. He has grandchildren he's never seen, and even his daughter, who lives close by, rarely gets in touch or returns his calls. Presents are immaterial compared to a hug, kiss or even a phone call or email.

I understand how hurt you are. I have not had birthday cards or presents from my son for years and I would be happy to get a small present (maybe a 50p primula in a pot) but to get nothing at all makes me feel unloved. I hope that you do get something, but I think I would be tempted to give nothing to them .

Absolutely maggiemaybe

We have cut down on adults this year , but it ll be fine as long as we all stick to it. Just kids and nice cards. If they are coming to visit, just be glad. It's not worth falling out over. Buy them a bottle and if you decide on the day not to give it, just everyone drink it! Or a hamper made of food they like would help them have less food bills? I'm helping one family member financially just now and have warned them I want a tiny gift ( I know they won't give nothing at all) .

I still think this "We are heartbroken that we come so low in their priorities that we don't even qualify for a box of chocs" is over-emotional. Heartbroken? "don't even qualify"? This hints to me that there is some lurking hurt in the relationship already.

The later sentence "I want to say something but I know it would end up with him walking out and we'd never see them" leaves me thinking the relationship is bad, or at least not good, to begin with. Feeling that insecure in a relationship (for whatever reason; I'm not ascribing blame here) is what's at the bottom of the hurt and I'm sorry for anyone feeling like that about any of their offspring.

It is not a smug sorrowfulness but an appreciation of my own luck. Thank you to those who pointed out some of my earlier posts came across as smug. I was aware that they probably would which is why I joked about what would appear to be smugness on my part. If appreciating one's luck with regard to family is smugness, then I'm smug. And not in the least bit ashamed.

Sorry you feel hurt. I think the male-speak wasn't helpful. Your son has just answered your question. A woman may have said ' well you know we have absolutely no money was wondering if we could all just perhaps not have big presents this year.' and you then might have said 'oh completely understand...what about small table presents when you come to lunch? Can't let you all not have anything to open at Christmas lunch'. This is not a mesage that you are low in priorities (they are coming to spend day with you on Boxing Day) It's just a busy man, confident in mother's love who answers a question straight forwardly. E-mail daughter in law with 'what do you think about secret santa/table presents/lucky dip this year'. ENjoy Boxing Day.

If they can afford to pay for a stag do and wedding present, they are not broke! The time has come not to buy presents at all except for the children. Although a box of chocs is always nice to receive!

I agree with granjura, when you get older there is nothing that you really need. My Son always asks me what I would like for Christmas and Birthdays and I just tell him there is nothing I need at the moment and I will let him know when I do. My daughter on the other hand does buy presents no matter how much I tell her not to, luckily most of them are useful. I agree that I would rather get nothing than let them waste their hard earned cash on something that will never be used, I would rather they spend their money on the grandchildren. I'm sure you will still have a lovely boxing day presents or no presents.

Just say - 0h good because we find this present giving a bit of a costly nightmare too. 0h and by the way can you bring something for the meal - like a bottle of wine or the pudding!!!
Ways and means!!

Sorry, but I think that parents come before stag dos - he could excuse himself from his friend's stag do, as I understand from my DC many do these days. Also, why did DIL have to borrow money for surgery? If she borrowed to go private, that doesn't make them hard up in my book! Having said that, I think it would be best not to say anything and agree with others you should buy small gifts for them. Perhaps mention sometime (not Boxing Day) that you're having to draw your belt in these days.

A) Buy yourself something really nice and if they turn up without anything for you show it to them and tell them that as you had been told you wouldn't be receiving any gifts you decided to treat yourself so as to not feel you were missing out at Christmas.

Or

B) My DS phoned me last week to ask what I would like for Christmas. The honest answer is that I don't need any more 'stuff'. The only thing I truly appreciate is time spent with him, something that is in short supply as he has a very demanding job which involves a lot of travel and I have to accept that he needs to spend such leisure time as he can find with his wife and children.

Several of my friends have recently had their loved ones taken from them too soon, either on the roads or through illness. Ask yourself would you rather your DS and DIL spent their money on something delivered in the post, or have your DS walk in your door and give you a warm embrace. Some things money can't buy.

There are only 4 of us and we club together to buy a "big" present on the want list of each family member, and each of us also buys a couple of stocking fillers for the other 3 - books, computer games, DVD or CD for one another.It means that we don't spend much more than we can afford - not more than £150 each - and the food is paid on savings cards/stamps/vouchers so it's all paid for in good time. The only reason we spend as much as we do is that MIL is 84 on 8 January and we know we won't have her for many more years. Once we don't have her any longer we'll just buy one family gift (e.g new TV needed, after renting one for over 25 years and no longer anywhere near up-to date, but we can't really justify it).