No presents this year from my ds and dil

Personally speaking I would far rather my children wanted to see me over Christmas than expect presents. I would not give a tinkers cuss if they did not get me anything. I have seen too much heartbreak over broken family relationships to worry about who bought who a Christmas present.

Well children are like this aren't they. Mine are great and I love them to bits but they say they are short of money ( not all of them) and the next minute they are going on holiday and buying new cars.
I have learned my lesson. NO MORE HANDOUTS.
It sounds as though he is your only son. You just have to grit your teeth and feel relieved that you don't have to buy them anything and SPEND your money on you, while you can.
Chin up and hugs.

There have been 6 pages from gransnetters so i won't add anything else to the conversation. I will just wish everyone a happy and peaceful Christmas and for those who are lucky enough to be with family enjoy what you have and for those on their own I send love and good wishes.

Yes agree it's all been said, but it would be great to hear from Scousegirl to know whether or not our comments have been of any comfort.

I have noticed on other threads that the original poster doesn't post a follow up of how they have or have not resolved issues it's a bit like losing the last chapter of a book .... is it just me?

It would upset me. I don't want 'stuff' either, but a small gift of chops, wine etc is lovely and inexpensive too

Everyone needs chops!

As I've grown older my family has inevitably grown larger, with 5 children, 3 daughters and 1 son-in-law, 8 grandchildren, one married and two with partners, one who has 2 children from a previous relationship. I would love to be in a position to buy them more expensive gifts,, but it wouldn't occur to me not to buy something for each of them, despite my children telling me not to buy anything for them.

I would look forward to their company on Boxing Day. To be with them and enjoying the fact that they are there are worth so much more than gifts.

Make them welcome, and share what you have with them sincerely. To have expectations is to be disappointed when they are not met.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas time. xx

The most valuable present I have ever received was from a friend who was virtually penniless. She saved yoghurt pots then went round the estates knocking on doors and asking if she could have a cutting from a plant in the garden. She gave me 20 such cuttings all in individual pots . It cost her nothing but time and effort and I love her for it. Presents don't have to be about money

Incidentally I agree with Scousegirl. It's not the gift itself which is important but the feeling that they have thought of you as more than the provider of a good meal on Boxing Day. In her position I would be inclined to buy nothing for them, or perhaps get something which you would like for yourself and only produce it if they do, in fact, bring you something. You could say that you have decided to follow their example regarding presents as it seems silly to spend money on them when things are tight for everyone. ?

Mauriherb that is beautiful what a lovely present!

I think this is very much a problem of habit.
For decades it has been a case of a one way valve, we have cared for them and put our hands in our pockets. We have trained them that that is the way things are and until something (usually a health emergency) gives them a shock they will carry on in the same old way.
They are not being selfish, just not growing up where Mum and Dad are concernedq

My eldest son does not spend much on me but I do for him his wife and two daughters.Not that I can afford it but he helps me in other ways if I have a problem in the house.Am also spending Xmas day with them,My younger Son does spend more but has a well paid job.He is away this Xmas as is in the forces.I gave him his wife and there little son their presents to take home when they came to visit me and and his brother and family last weekend. I think love is enough not the price of things.

As a family we agreed to limit spending on adult presents many years ago and make more of birthdays instead. It works for us, but certainly have to put much more thought in to buying a present now there is a limit. For me it's the family together which is the most important. For so many people Christmas is a stressful/lonely/ isolated time of the year and that is just so sad.

mauriherb what a thoughtful friend

Material things are just that...material and perishable. Experts agree that positive experiences are what give us the most happiness, not 'stuff'.
Spending time with your family is the greatest gift you can receive this holiday season. The holiday music, the lights, a glass of wine next to the hearth, the hugs, sharing stories with your loved ones....these are the worthy experiences to cherish; much more than mere presents. So, forget the gifts. You have something much better to look forward to...you will be celebrating with your loved ones.

It's the being taken for granted that hurts. The, "mum/dad won't mind" attitude.This what happens when you do too much for children after they've grown. "It's the thought that counts" except they haven't, have they? One year my daughter literally had a budget of only £2 per person (student) and I got a packet of chocolate raisins and was as pleased as punch. I lurves chocolate raisins I does and she knew that! ?

I love presents, but wouldnt expect from someone who didnt have enough money at the time, treat yourself to something and show your Son and DIL when they come, either they will think you can buy what you want anyway, or it may jog their concsience a bit, whatever way, have a Happy Christmas.

I enjoy giving presents to the people I love and yes, if I'm honest, I do enjoy receiving presents too. But what gives that pleasure is realising that someone who cares about me has put time, effort and thought (not necessarily a lot of money) into finding something I will enjoy and appreciate. So what would hurt me in the OP's position would be the thought that one of my children just couldn't be bothered to make any effort at all. Let's face it most of us like to feel appreciated, whether we admit to it or not.... and that's why sadly adult children sometimes disappoint us, they can sometimes be a little thoughtless, as we probably were ourselves at their age and stage.

Nothing to stop you buying, say, a big tin of biscuits to take home on Boxing Day - this might at least show that you value gifts as a symbol of affection, without making too much of a 'thing' of it. If you believe that presents show love, you could act on that, and 'pretend' you're OK if you find the gift isn't reciprocated. I've found that doing this can help with the feeling of miffedness, but if you put too much care into it and they still don't take any notice, you might end up feeling even worse. I once spent quite a lot of money on matching but contrasting Petit Bateau (designer, expensive) T-shirts for my husband's twin nephews when we first met them, only to have their mum pull the parcel open, barely glance at the T-shirts, toss them aside and then remark with an off-handed laugh that 'they have so many T-shirts they'll never be able to wear them all'. Of course, the first new baby in a family always has far too much, and if they are twins, they tend to attract even more gifts, but I wish their mum hadn't been so upfront about not valuing even the thought. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I have not forgotten this, even after six years ], and even though the poor girl must have been absolutely knackered.

Very soon your 'children', and you, will all have aged, and then you will have to put up with them wanting to 'help' you, whether you need it or not - they will know best! Right now, though, I imagine they are taking you for granted because you've always been there for them, and in paradoxical way you can reflect that it's because they know you're their rock. Enjoy that while you can!

I hope this helps, but if I've hit a raw nerve instead, please forgive me ... I hope in any case that you have a very happy Christmas.

No presents ...but presence would be nice !! let alone a card or a phone call !!

I regret posting now!! I had no idea it would stir up so many feelings! I have taken on board the comments both good and bad and thank you all for them. I do feel that perhaps my feelings have been miscontrued by some, but never mind. Family relationships can be very difficult at times but at least I do have a family, who I DO love and will be so glad to see them on Boxing Day, with or without presents! I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

petalmoore I don't think the OP can count on this selfish pair to 'help' her in her old age! As others have said -its the thought that counts.

Scousegirl, you've had a bit of a baptism of fire if this is your first time on Gransnet (forgive me if I'm wrong, I just haven't noticed your name before)!

Please don't be put off posting elsewhere. For some reason this thread has been very popular and, as you say, stirred up a lot of feelings, one way or the other. It's not usually quite so lively...

Have a very merry Christmas with your family

Just sounds like thoughtlessness. If they are coming to stay, great. I don't think grandparents need to be grateful that their children decide to spend time with them. I'm sure that you have both been great parents, done your duty etc.

Have a great Christmas, agree to not buying presents much easier for you in the future. Enjoy your own life, your kids are what they are and that won't change, better that you concentrate on the things in life that make you happy and leave your kids to develop their life according to their own values. No expectations stops future anger and anxiety.