My dil...

Maybe she's rude, maybe she's worried about you but why all this pussy-footing around on her part & yours. Just tell her with a smile, & chuckle & say you can see she is bothered about what you eat & tell her that you don't like how she is trying to tell you. Clear the air now before the fog gets too thick & show her how to be honest.

She is rude and she is a bully - don't let her "food policing" ruin family meals

Overweight people know that they are overweight - they do not need to be "fat shamed" and humiliated in public. If DIL was really concerned she would have a quiet and private word and ask if you were OK or if you needed help. Her behaviour seems to be mostly about making herself feel superior and virtuous by bullying you.

Hear, hear.

Next time she comes to you for lunch, I'd serve a very low carb salad with no bread, saying that you noticed this was her preference. ( Make sure you have a sandwich first though)

I have seen it suggested that it does no harm for older people to be at the top end or just over the approved BMI level (which is a grossly misleading statistic, but that is another argument). In fact older people at the higher level live longer than older people with weights at the lower end of the BMI range.

The reason is that it gives us a 'hump' to draw on if we are ill in anyway and go through a period when we cannot eat well. A friend waiting for major liver surgery was advised to put on at least a stone before his surgery, not because he was particularly thin but because his specialist told him that the post-operative period draws heavily on the body's energy resources and he would probably not be back to normal eating for a couple of months after his procedure.

So minimo point out to DiL that you are not overweight, on the contrary, you are at the best weight for a woman of your age and more likely to make a good recovery from any illness as a result.
For older adults, a BMI in the range of 23.0 to 29.9 kg/m2 is associated with optimal longevity www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4510467/

Seems to me that your daughter-in-law is making it a habit to make weight-related comments to you, and is cloaking her judgemental rudeness in sickly-sweet politeness! I have the opposite weight issues (bloody bony skinny at the moment and desperately trying to gain some weight - I look dreadful and can't understand why people would intentionally try to look like this!) I find the skinny bitch type comments sting and can imagine it's hard for you smiling through the digs. I agree with other comments made here, that maybe you could just politely but firmly inform her that as an adult you will make life choices, including food/weight ones, as you wish to, and would ask if you wanted anyone's opinion! Don't allow your daughter-in-law, or anyone else, to make you unhappy or stop enjoying meals etc - nobody has a right to put you down.

Being overweight, underweight or by how many kilograms is not the issue here. She could very well have told you what jewelry not to wear or what lipstick to avoid. Whether or not it's implied or direct, it is presumptuous for anyone to make decisions for you that you can and should make for yourself.

So the real issue here is this: Your DIL's behavior is both disempowering and disrespectful towards you.

Whatever you do, do not accuse your DIL directly...accuse the bad behavior instead. She needs to understand that her actions (as well intentioned as they may be) are nonetheless unacceptable! Her comments and actions are not just annoying.....you feel disempowered. These kinds of words and actions are an affront to your self esteem and your dignity. For so many reasons and and so many levels, they are most unwelcome and they need to stop!

I wonder why some of this bothers you so much? I never notice who gets the biggest/smallest slice of cake (although my sons carry on a joke from childhood each insisting the others have bigger pieces than them). Are you sure she only has salad when you visit and it isn't the usual family lunch? Maybe she is being annoying, maybe she is being rude but also perhaps she cares enough to be concerned and worried about you and finds it difficult to tell you, so hopes you will pick up the hints and act. I'd be much more concerned if she was stuffing you with calories and mentally clocking up how many years you were cutting off your lifespan. Maybe it isn't the best way to encourage someone to eat healthily, but she cares about you. As someone said if she was your DD and not your DIL would you accept her criticism and her actions more readily?

I am with OP. If anyone, DD, DDiL, DH or anyone else, started trying to manage me in any way, they would soon get told when to step back, gently and kindly if it was DDiL. A bit more briskly if it was DH or DD.

I think the OP within her own family is capable of knowing when her DiL is acting in away to control what she eats, particularly as DiL is constantly commenting on OP's weight 'problem', as DiL sees it. You do not notice portion size in your family Trisher anymore than I do in mine, but that is because it isn't an issue so there has been no need to watch how meals are being conducted.

I do not think the fact that someone cares about you is a justification for them to try to control any aspect of your life or try to force you into a course of action you do not wish to take.

Perhaps she is worried about your weight minimo but is too polite to tell you.

I would take a loaf of bread with me and pop it on the bench when I arrived saying you didn't want her running out as you know how you love your bread

I dont think its very caring to keep making an issue of someone's appearance.

Actually M0nica there is a long history of food problems in my family which I don't propose to discuss here. The reason portion control is not an issue with me is because I choose not to allow it to be. Yes there are a lot of emotional issues with food, but making the decision to ignore these and to concentrate on what really matters is the beginning of dealing with them. Things like the DIL controlling the OPs eating and bullying her only matter if she chooses to let them. Ignore how she behaves, stop worrying about it and just regard it as her problem and she might well stop.

Is this yet another thread where someone starts a thread (in this case the inappropriately named minimo) and then never comes back?

Sort of 'light the blue touch paper and retire!'

Haven't read all the posts, but did see that the op came back one time, Anya.

Op, maybe dil is being rude or maybe she really is concerned and thinks she's being helpful. Either way, she's out of line, imo.

I go along with those who say to remind her you're an adult and let her know you'll make your own decisions about what you eat, etc. If she continues in this vein, cut back on time spent with her or just politely remind her it's NOT her concern.

Rude!

The thread was started on Thursday afternoon and the OP posted again on Friday at 13.58.

Missed that post, thanks for explaining.

Think we're all a bit fed up with silly trolls recently, who think it's fun to block up threads with stupid requests for 'help', then sit back and laugh at the kind and supportive comments from the unsuspecting.

Glad to find that isn't the case here.

What do you mean she is not openly rude. She is completely rude and breaches all the rules of good manners and being a hostess. You are kidding yourself. Tell her where to go,

WOuld you be so upset if it was a DD doing this rather than a DIL? just wondering.

DDs seem to be allowed to say these things but a DIL can't without posters saying she is rude.
Perhaps she is being cruel to be kind and perhaps she doesn't like to suggest you may feel better if you do lose some weight?

The OP said She's not openly rude about it, and she's not a mean person so I know it's not coming from a bad place. It started off as being amusing and now has become really annoying!
I don't know why this is being interpreted as 'bullying' or worse still, 'disempowerment', as if the OP is some poor, vulnerable, defenceless shrinking violet.
There seems to be a danger that umbrage will be taken and the relationship spoiled when all that has happened is that something that started off as gentle teasing no longer appears so to the one on the receiving end.
OP, all you need to do is be a bit more assertive. If she asks if you think it's a good idea to have some bread say 'yes I'd like some please'.
If she gives you a small piece if cake, and you'd like some more, ask for some. Start from the position that you are quite happy with your weight, i.e. don't acknowledge that you realise she's having a dig at you.
I agree with someone else who said she may have salad for lunch every day. I do.

That's a really good point that Jalima's making.

'disempowerment' - that's a new one on me. Sounds like toppling a dictator from his position?

Why is everyone tip toeing about? Quiet words and whispers! Do not go to the house or say in no uncertain terms " stop making snide remarks" And whats your son doing? Keeping out of the way if he has any sense! He ought to tell you both to grow up!

How to make an enemy of your DIL missmelli!

If she asks if you really want that piece of bread say 'Yes, darling, I do!, I'm very hungry'.

Or '[gasp] is bread bad for us?'