My dil...

She is being rude and controlling. Her pretending to be charming and polite does not make her behaviour acceptable. It is clearly making you feel uncomfortable, so she needs to be put in her place and the grans here have suggested some great options for dealing with her (lack of) manners. There is no reason why you should put up with her ongoing passive aggressive superior attitude. Perhaps next time she gives you a skinny portion of cake, you should ask her whether it is rationed.

I would just say very nicely that you are not too bothered about your weight, but you will see what the doctor says next time you go. Say to her that you are fond of your food, but when you are out and about or visiting, you like to stop watching what you eat as it is a depressing not having lovely meals to look forward to when you are careful at home (even if you are not!). She may be being deliberately rude, but it may be real concern and perhaps rocking the boat too hard may cause more problems than it solves. DiLs can be difficult at the best of times.

I think she's being incredibly rude and insulting.

I would have a witty and cutting response ready for the next time she makes a comment. If that does not work, tell her how hurtful and bullying her behaviour is. And ask her whether she has an issue with weight.

It is awful for children to be seeing this as they will become overly concerned with their own weight.

Just RUDE!!
If I was you I would definitely be asking to see her badge as she's clearly joined the fat police!!
You are clearly upset by it or you wouldn't have posted on GN.
Before it becomes a huge issue pls find a way to speak to her about it ?

Minimo
What you eat is your business and no one else.
How important is your relationship with your dil.
Would it upset the 'apple cart' if you told her that you appreciate her concern but you decide what you eat not her.
Sounds like she has issues of her own where food is concerned.?
Why not invite her and your son, and if you have grandchildren, around for a meal making sure there is bread and cake available.
See if she comments then.
Just a thought hmm

Look up the bmi charts on line. If you are around 25 then that's fine. If much more, then yes, u need to drop a bit. I've recently gone down to 24 for my health. If you are sure she s genuinely trying to help, have a word in private, tell her it upsets you to get those comments.
If you think she s not genuinely trying to help, then work on a reply to say in front of others at table. E.g." Your comments are rude" .
It's a minefield, cos we re all easily upset by family remarks. Work out if the rest of the relationship is good , and if so, personally I'd just smile at her remarks, say nowt, but make a comment silently.

Minimo
What you eat is your business and no one else.
How important is your relationship with your dil.
Would it upset the 'apple cart' if you told her that you appreciate her concern but you decide what you eat not her.

Sounds like she has issues where food is concerned.?Why not invite her and your son, and if you have grandchildren, around for a meal making sure there is bread and cake available.
See if she comments then.
Just a thought.?

I think she is rude. My MiL used to do this to my SIL. i would go for a private word along the lines of. I know you think you are doing the right thing, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable when you try to manage my eating. Don't engage any further. If she tries to justify it say nothing more. Hopefully if she does it again, just say,"I thought we already discussed this".

She needs to understand you are a fully functioning intelligent adult, not some poor old dear she has to manage.

OP where are you?

I think I would take her to one side and explain that her actions and comments are beginning to upset you and you would like her to draw a line under it and move on, x

The idea of inviting them all round for tea and cake sounds great ! This is a fashionable thing to do, or you could do it for charity even !!! I always fondly remember the teas we used to have with my Grandparents, particularly the cakes, which were often home made. I imagine the D.I.L. will just eat salad.

You have got to tell us how this problem gets resolved, because it is such a good question, minimo.

I would do as justtrolljanet says and have a quiet word. It is when one person seems to think they can do say things which are upsetting and the upset person just lets it fester that greater problems occur.

My daughter is the opposite neversaydie. Gymn 3 times a week, vegetarian and this month she is trying vegan. Said she has more energy and is sleeping better. I like to eat sensibly and occasionally have a treat, I am a bit overweight but come the summer will be eating a few more salads. Life's is too short to peel a grape enjoy your food.

I would agree with jomarie - 'that you are old enough now to make your own choices and that if and when your doctor advises you to lose weight for health reasons then she can be assured that you will ask her advice on how to do so.'

I had a sister to tried this sort of food bullying. So at at family buffets if I went back she told me 'what are you doing to yourself!' Sadly this tends to make you want to eat more.

I have an arrangement with my GP that I consider a BMI of 25 too thin but do not want to exceed BMI 30. I say I am not happy with the values in the tables both because the population they are based on were years ago starting in 1830 see
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_mass_index

and I have shrunk an inch which would then require me to be thinner to get a BIM of 25. I point out that my bones and hips are protected by any additional weight under 30 BMI.
So stick to Jomarie's advice and repeat it if necessary.

You may have to accept the salad being served and cake slice being smaller just to be polite.

Seems the World Health Organisation is doing some research.

apps.who.int/bmi/index.jsp?introPage=intro_3.html

Perhaps your DIL is a lovely person but in this respect ...... Plain rude and patronising. Passive/aggressive!

I think you must be very even tempered to have taken these comments in your stride. All women know that weight is a subject to steer clear of.

Next time I might just challenge her. But my response would be unprintable! and would start with "FFS that will do" and probably end with me losing my appetite and going home.

Thank you all for your advice - I have laughed my way through some of them - "Life's is too short to peel a grape" might become my new mantra . I'm not terribly upset by her behaviour - I just find it annoying. I know I'm...round...yes a tad over the BMI but not (excuse the pun) hugely. I think I will take the advice to have a quiet word with her and try to make her understand it's not on. When do they stop treating us like grown-ups
Much appreciate all the well-meaning posts!

If it was me I would be asking her if she has a problem with my weight/size! When I first met my hubby, we would go down and stay the weekend at his mums as she lived a good distance from us. After a few visits she game me some 'Slimming books' she had and said she thought I might like them. I was fizzing and when I got back home I told my hubby he either had a word with his mum or I would never visit her again. I don't know what he said, but she never mentioned my weight again!

This is about respect, she needs to know she is hurting your feelings and as such should be put in her place. A good tactic to use is to invent an in -law story whereby your own mother in law would be treated like a guest of honour whenever she came to eat and served first.

Just say when you are my age you will find that you will put on weight as well as you will not be as fit and active as you are now.I want to enjoy my life and living on salad is not what I call enjoyable.

Just take your own sandwiches if she doesn't want to share her food.

Neversaydie, research has shown that many overweight people do actually suffer from eating disorders which are just as difficult to "cure" as anorexia and bulimia.
grannypiper I agree with you. My daughter has a problem with her weight which is replicated through the whole of her paternal side regardless of the amount they eat and exercise. She has found it extremely difficult to get healthcare for a congenital condition because of the patronising attitude of medical professionals. Dieticians have tried to force her to eat "healthy grains" despite the fact she is gluten intolerant, vilified her for not having dairy products when she is lactose intolerant and been vile to her for following the NHS Specialists prescribed FODMAP diet. A thin person would not have been subjected to this.
I am diabetic and struggle to control an urge to binge eat. I find when somebody says, "Is that a good idea," that the desire to eat that particular thing becomes far more pronounced. I think your DIL, minimo, is patronising and condescending so needs gently (or not) putting in her place. How very dare she!

It's none of her business and I would politely tell her so . You are an adult and do not need her to comment and it is actually very rude and undermining,My oldest son is very large but I wouldn't dream of insulting him and doing that and he's in his late thirties.
Whether you are or are not overweight , is up to you, as it whether you want to deal with it or not.
Unless you asked her for support I'm afraid she has seriously overstepped the boundaries as you would be if you gave her advice on how to raise her children,
Don't allow this!!!

Ask her "Why , do you think I'm fat?" ....if she says "Yes" tell her that you are aware your BMI is slightly above but you are comfortable as you are and yes you would like some bread....if you decide you are going to cut back or diet you'll let her know! If she says No say, oh, well why are you asking if having bread is a good idea then?

Your weight is none of her business. If you had obvious health problems caused by gross obesity (which is clearly NOT the case), a quiet word at some time would be understandable but it is not her job to control what you eat as if you were a recalcitrant toddler.

Next time you are served a 'suitable' salad, with bread withheld, tell her as you leave that what you like so much about salads are they are the perfect excuse for getting a takeaway curry/fish and chips or whatever for supper. In other make itclear that her unwarranted attempts to control what you eat makes you eat more not less elsewhere.