Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Jayana, it would seem your friend is over the top but undoubtably loves her family and you. It is such a pity that her daughter cannot just be straight with her in a gentle way and just say what she feels, you too for that matter, to just let a person drift out of your life because of their intolerable behaviour sometimes is sad, she is a whirlwind but doesn't realize it. There are not that many people that genuinely care for us. I absolutely hate confrontation and have been that person that drifted away, but I wish I hadn't been.

Well Daisydog, it's clear from Jayanna's last post that she's not sure if her friends D has actually told her in no uncertain terms. Perhaps as you have done Jayanna, she's been side stepping the issues rather than being direct.

Bibbity 'don't believe her'. What right does anyone have to accuse someone they don't even know of lying?

Luckylegs"to just let a person drift out of your life because of their intolerable behaviour sometimes is sad". It's also good to keep in mind that because we cannot tolerate someone's behaviour, doesn't necessarily mean that that behaviour is intolerable. I'm not saying this is the case with your friend Jayanna as in her place, I'd find it very annoying to say the least. That said sometimes it's someone's intolerance that can make the behaviour of someone else appear intolerable, when that isn't the case.

Jayana, how about, "I appreciate your weeding my garden, but I would rather do it myself - it's part of the fun of gardening for me?"

Jayanna I don't think the responsibility of your friend's tiring actions is yours.

Fading quietly, as you did - tea in cafes, would be the pleasant approach to intolerable behaviour. I find it kind when people don't speak negative thoughts.

As for her dd, she has probably already told her mum and mum didn't 'hear'. Mum can sort that herself or let contact go to birthday and Christmas - really plenty of visits anyway.

Jayanna's friend knows. She doesn't care because she knows best because she's one of those.

DaisyDog enough now. You've gone from thread to thread posting spiteful remarks that reveal far more about you than any of the posts on these threads. Leave them alone please. You've apparently got nothing helpful or kind to say so what's the point of just posting to be unpleasant and unkind.

Are you following? Wow, a fan club.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I very much doubt that anyone unfortunate to come across your posts would wish to be considered a member of your fan club DaisyDog.

Chewbaccaperhaps that is the point, an overriding urge to be unpleasant and unkind.

It's a shame that this GN message didn't appear when 'a certain person' was making obvious insulting jibes at estranged parents on a support thread.

I thought that too Fairy . It's about 48 hours too late.

Oh wish I hadn't started this. She is a brilliant friend who has supported me through all kinds of trials and sometimes I have been really glad of her whirlwind approach that just carried me along with it. I don't really care if she weeds my garden, not really. I just wondered if being up front and, let's face it, critical of her would be hurtful but better in the long run. Instead of just being soothing and sympathetic. But thank you to everyone that gave me thoughtful considered answers. Think I'll just hope a good moment arises for me to say maybe it's because.......... Cowards way out I know.

You started a good thread*Jayanna*, it's not your fault at all that it got hijacked by a poster with ulterior motives and a weird agenda. You sound like a good friend and I hope your pal manages to come to some sort of balance of showing her enthusiasm for her family and balancing it with their needs for privacy. I, personally, am not estranged from my children's families but, my goodness, I've learnt a great deal from reading the threads on estrangement and I'm grateful to all those who have posted on here, and shared their experiences.

A gentle way could be suggesting that she approach her children and say she's struggling to get suitable presents for Birthday/Christmas and could they please make a suggestion.
Then she buy that one item on those occasions only.
That way she's proving that she's respecting them and following their rules.
The problem now is they've already started to reach their limits so as far as they're concerned there's no compromising. She has to do what they tell her. She needs to do damage control.

Jayanna9040 Your friend's DiL problem is not very big in the whole of life. From what you say she sees her son twice a year and her daughter even more than that. What is it she wants from her fully grown children? It's a pity she's annoying, but you aren't her conscience. You're a good friend not ghosting.

Well it may not be "very big in the whole of life" to you SueSchrip, but these family situations can get out of hand and Jayanna is obviously worried that her friends situation may escalate.

"What is it she wants from her fully grown children?" to be a part of their lives, to love and support them, to know and love her GC and to be an active and fun to be with GM. I think I must have been transported to another planet when that became a crime.

I agree with Chewbacca it is a good thread and you shouldn't wish you hadn't started it. I think it's wise to wait until a moment presents itself, that way you'll know what to say and hooefully she'll be able to take it on board.

oops that should have been hopefully.

I agree with Bibbity "The problem now is they've already started to reach their limits so as far as they're concerned there's no compromising. She has to do what they tell her. She needs to do damage control."

Her obnoxious behaviour has gone so OTT, she needs to pull back, shut herself down.

Where did Jayanna state that her friend's behaviour was 'obnoxious.'
Rather OTT I agree, but I doubt Jayanna would remain friends with her if she was truly obnoxious.

She is clearly OTT and somewhat unaware of others viewpoints or the impact of her choices/behaviours on others ....thats not helpful but "obnoxious" seems a rather OTT description! Jayanna I wonder if she needs to be asked why she thinks her daughter is withdrawing ? If she says she has no idea then ask her she would feel if someone (describe one of her actions ) did that to her and she was left to deal with the outcome ....she seems to need help to recognise her own impact on others. I had a friend like that and did what I described above, with her ...it was hard and she struggled to listen but I persevered reach time an issue arose and things have improved ...and we are still in touch

Granmary18 Police my wording if you wish. I was not referencing a poster, but Jayanna's friend. I stand by my post, obnoxious was not referencing or unkind to Jayanna.

I do know what my DDs would think of such behaviour and what they have done about such behaviour. It was a cautionary bit, no more no less.

As with any other post, ignore what doesn't suit you.

Think you misread Granmary's post Norah - she was, like you, referring to Jayanna's friend

Norah I truly wasn't policing anyone ...not sure why it came over as that ...I didn't think you were referencing Jayanna! I think her friends behaviour is OTT and lacks self awareness as I said, but not sure I would call it obnoxious and as I don't think its obnoxious I think the response to it might be different ...and was suggesting a possible route for Jayanna. I certainly did not mean to upset/annoy you.

Have to agree with granmary maybe intrusive or ott but certainly obnoxious doesn't seem appropriate description for jaysnnas friend

Sorry I am not really following this but I too gave jolt when read obnoxious

All these guidelines for parents lucky we were more tolerant of our children s behaviour!