Estrangement / Cut off Mum

28th Feb 13.40 Good post Smileless

Obnoxious is a mumsnetter terminology aimed at poor grandmothers who have done a slight thing the mumsnetter dislikes, which doesn't make that action obnoxious to everyone else with a brain cell.

I feel I live a parallel life b0dhiTree. Except it's my son and grandchildren who are estranged, not a daughter. You're not alone, I cry every day.

Well, I would find ott behavior obnoxious if there were a lot of ott actions and it was constant. Friend must have some redeeming qualities if Jayenna stays friendly with her. But, imo, friend's ott behaviors are, in fact, obnoxious. Whether Jayenna or dd think that, of course, we don't know.

Marenn, my heart goes out to you. Bodhi doesn't seem to be here anymore, but others still are. (((Hugs)))

Granmary, I think you make a very good suggestion. Whether Jayenna's friend would accept this or not the way your friend does is hard to know. But, imo, it is worth giving some consideration, Jayenna.

I'm sorry Granmary18, I misunderstood. You and I define obnoxious behaviour differently.

B0dhitree

I understand how you feel. I'm in the same position. I don't want to go into too much detail because Gransnet is an open forum and with these things, such personal details are better in a closed group.
Besides, I've been through it all, learned to live without them and rebuilt my life and in fact, have gone on to become really very happy so it is possible.

Firstly, if you had a good relationship with your daughter before she met her partner, the problem isn't you. He's clearly a controlling influence who has succeeded in forcing you out of your daughter's life. This kind of behaviour is rampant. I used to run an online group for parents and I can tell you now that in no way are you alone. This cutting off of parents is happening right across the board.

What can you do? Well in my experience, not very much. We're almost a delinquent society where the value of relationships has reached an all time low as far as family goes.

What I have learned is to record a family footprint for grandchildren, ie keep a written history of where they've come from, who's who, etc so that when they're older, they can connect back to their roots if they want to.

Then I've had to look after me. I've had to let them go and rebuild my own shattered life. I say shattered because this is where it leaves you. It's important to remember that family is only part of your life, not all of it. I had to put my family in a box in a cupboard and literally go out very bravely I might add, and just embrace life again. I'm lucky in that I have a business and I'm also a writer which keeps me busy. I've a very good husband, other family members, some are long lost, bedraggled ones that have only recently showed up, and I've got hobbies.
By weaning myself away from all the heartache, I've been able to heal.
I'm not sure what I'll say to my AC if I ever hear from them again but I know I will NEVER be at their mercy again and this is where you need to place yourself.

Joining a group is good so you can pour your heart out with others in the same boat for a while. But eventually you will need to find happier groups so that you don't stay immersed in continual grief. But slowly life will take on new meaning and you will evolve.

I truly know how you feel but I also really want to say don't let them pull you down. None of them are worth it. xxxx

PS I have secret support group if anyone wants to join. N xxx

A secret group seems like a great idea, but my only worry is as it is now on a public forum maybe its not secret anymore?

Minty, I've always run a secret shelter group for abandoned parents. It's a Facebook group and while there are closed and open groups, there is the option to set the group to secret too. This means it's not visible online to anyone except the members. It's only a small group these days, if you live, eat and breathe the estrangement topic, you don't move on. But we're all friends and we all touch base and rant, share and support each other when we need to. If I see a lost soul out there struggling, I do invite them to join if they want to. We're all old hands at this estrangement issue now. x

A frank and uplifting post nina. When an EP had a close relationship with their AC up to the point where they married then it is as you say not the parent that's the problem.

"I've had to let them go an rebuild my own shattered life". This is something we all need to do, and it's the hardest thing of all. We have to live with the enormous void that their departure from us has left behind and can never be filled.

I know the pain that losing an AC and GC through estrangement brings. I know the comfort that comes from having another child who remains in my life. My heart aches for those who've lost their only AC or in some cases all their AC because of estrangement.

Being able to share this awful experience with others who've also become estranged is invaluable. We can support one another through the dark days and share the aspects of our lives that continue to give us pleasure and joy.

Like you, I don't know what I'd say to our ES if he contacted us or how I would feel if he ever stood before me again and like you, I will never be at his mercy again. It's taken me 4 years to come this far and every ounce of my strength. TBH I don't know how I've done it but I do know I wouldn't be able to do it again.

Smilelss that is obviously from the heart.??

I think you absolutely right, it is continual hard struggle to try and rebuild life.

We have good friends about become grandparents first time in May, and mynneart aches remembering that short beautiful time we were grandparents

The devastating lost and sheer pain of losing ed and little xxxxxxx will never leave us.
Like you I don't know how I have come this far. I accept I am a strong determined character and I thank god every day for my son and other family members who do still love us.

Nina support group is totally private I can confirm that.

Norah yes I agree, I think our definitions of obnoxious are different.

Yes, Granmary18, I believe my definition lines up with that of Starlady. Same approach to looking round at what upsets my daughters.

Hi Everyone- Just a quick hello as DH and I have been ill since coming back from our time away. Brother in hospital too.
Two of my friends are not estranged but are one step away I suppose. They both tell me when they ask their DIL's if they can see the GC the DIL's say they will let them know and then never do. Or they will ask their sons if they could all get together on such and such date but they never get a call back until after such and such date citing some sort of reason why they didn't call back. My one friend says she stopped asking and just shows up to the GC events.
They are getting the crumbs they are thrown. What a strange world we live in today. What would happen if any of us showed up at a public event that our GC were at?

Good to see your post Rhinestone but sorry to hear you've been ill and your brother's in hospital.

I've told everyone on the other estrangement thread that you'd posted here. Hope you'll be able to pop on and say 'hello'; we've missed you.

Hi again, Rhinestone! So sorry about your brother and that you and dh have been ill. Hope all are better soon.

It does sound as if your friends are on the verge of being co. Do they see their dss' families on holidays? That might mean that their dss and dils have decided to go lc with them, seeing them only on specific occasions. If they accept that, they'll probably be ok. If not, they could find themselves co.

Everyone has the right to show up to a public event. However, if the parents will be upset and a gp is not yet co or has a chance of reconciliation, it's probably better not to, imho. If there's "nothing left to lose,' then why not? Just my thoughts...

Smileless Am I in the wrong place?
What is the other thread? I don't know where to go when one thread ends.

It's the thread in Relationships with the long title about moving on etc. and living with estrangement. See you there soon.

This is an odd theory (I hope you don't mind me saying), Starlady. "It does sound as if your friends are on the verge of being co. Do they see their dss' families on holidays? That might mean that their dss and dils have decided to go lc with them, seeing them only on specific occasions."

When did seeing GPs on specific occasions become a possible CO or LC situation?

The process of us being CO of our son's and GC's lives began in the same way as Rhinestone's friends Norah. The possibility of being CO often begins with GP's asking if they can see their GC and their inquiry being ignored.

Seeing GP's on specific occasions isn't I agree an indication that being CO is on the cards, but having requests for visits and/or family get together's ignored, sadly can be.

Why do you suppose, Smileless2012, "CO often begins with GP's asking if they can see their GC and their inquiry being ignored." is an indication that a CO is in the cards not merely disinterest in meeting up more than once or twice a year? Time constraints, other activities, other friends, things to accomplish in limited time - other factors than a CO certainly factor in. People are busy and don't want to waste precious time more than necessary on disliked events.

I explained in my last post Norah that that's how it began with us and it's been a common factor for a lot of EP's and GP's. If you suggest a get together and the time suggested isn't convenient why not say so? Why ignore the suggestion?

I suppose Smileless2012 that the meet up is viewed as a waste of precious time and the asking is viewed as nagging. I know my daughters hate nagging, they rather like to do the asking.

It's not beyond me to ignore what I dislike, I find that normal.

To ignore a perfectly reasonable request IMO is bad mannered, not normal Norah. You say your "daughters hate nagging and rather like to do the asking", that's all well and good when they do the asking.

For many EP's, they're never asked, their invitations are ignored and the silence is deafening. You "suppose that the meet up is viewed as a waste of precious time" well if that's how some AC view spending time with their own parents it's not unreasonable to assume it can be a precursor to them being CO all together.

As I've already explained, this was our experience and is the experience shared by many EP's.