Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Of course I think one should be mindful of expressing an opinion that may cause offense norah, but I don't agree that a relationship that prohibits the expressing of views and or opinions, what ever they may be, for fear of them being over reacted too is a healthy relationship. Having personally experienced such a relationship I am relieved to be out of it and would never go back there again.
As for respect, it should be possible to respect another's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

Our DS and I have great debates on all kinds of subjects, often disagreeing and he certainly wouldn't expect me 'to firmly shut my mouth' or be loathed to listen and TBH I'd find that attitude extremely disrespectful.

Spot on GrannyRainbow; if someone is determined to cause a rift for eg with their in laws then everything that's said and done will be considered worthy of taking offense over. Taking offense because you said you missed our 'green and pleasant land' having commented on the beauty of your d.i.l.'s country illustrates how determined some of them are to be rid.

It is great that you continue to have a relationship with your DS and GC Fairydoll; seems that you are in a win win situation.

If it's any help to anyone here, I run a Facebook secret support group for estranged parents. By secret I mean it's not visible to find online and neither are the members. Most FB groups, even closed groups, the members are visible and this means their relatives can see which groups they belong to. It can cause problems hence our group is secret. It's only small, just a few of us. But we're all there to listen and offer words of comfort.

I've researched estrangement for 5 years and concluded that it's the age we're living in. For sure, in some cases where there has been abusive behaviour, some people have no choice but to steer clear. But in my experience, there is an epidemic of good parents not being just cut off and estranged but literally dumped by their AC who don't want to be bothered with them.
In the short term, the problem doesn't appear fixable especially if there is a third party in the mix controlling the situation.
So what I try and do is encourage parents to start their lives again by not focusing all their needs to be reliant upon their AC. It means looking at life through a different lens.
It's not easy. There are always birthday's Christmas, Mothers and Father's day to get through but there is also light at the end of the tunnel.
None of us know what we're capable of until we have to do it and I for one have rebuilt my life after my own family situation.

So, if any of you want more details, just PM me.

nina1959 I think you make a very valid point. It works the other way to as well. I hear my dds talk, I know they have had a time getting on after co their mils. Getting on is key to being happy, imo.

Some people can cause an argument in an empty room and can find fault with the most innocent remark. Shouldn't have to put up with such diva behaviour. I will always regret my estrangement but it is honestly better than walking on eggshells and changing personality for someone who was behaving irrationally. It is the making of a new life without that person you loved so long that is hard, learning to like yourself after being continuously knocked back, but like Nina said it can be done and it is little steps but I am nearly there.

It's terribly hard for the parents that have been cut off. And although it's rampant behaviour, in no way is it normal to abandon a parent simply because it's more convenient or easier to just close the door. It's wicked, cruel behaviour that leaves a lasting impact. On Mothers Day, I talked to two mums who felt suicidal. The day brings such a loaded pressure that echoes the pain of estrangement.
Even I, and I am to all intents and purposes fairly used to it, ended up sat in a Tesco Express car park on Mothers Day eating a pre packed sandwich. My poor husband had tried so hard to make the day nice but there was nowhere to go where you couldn't see families all spoiling their mums.
I honestly do not know how an adult child can sleep at night knowing the heartbreak they've caused to a loving parent.
But if you do the research, which I have, you'll see it is mostly this 30 something generation.

In past generations there was scuffles, rifts and tensions but people kissed and made up. Nothing like today where AC simply ghost their parents out of their lives.

But enough about them. My advice is to look after you and try and build a life where you are appreciated and wanted. Often charity work helps in lots of ways. Just giving to someone in need is always a kind thing to do and it helps nurture us too. Just keep moving forwards and know there is a light at the end of it all.

Norah Are you saying that both your DDs have cut off from their MIL's? Sorry if I have misunderstood. It ha made me wonder if one influences the actions of another in families as several on GN threads have mentioned being cut off by more than one of their children

Now I understand your posts Norah your daughter's have cut out their M.I.L's How strange is that, all your D cutting out their m.i.ls

Good post again Nina

Yogagirl I'm not saying my daughters all CO their mils for their awful toxic behaviour - it seems only the ones with a relationship can CO another. I do assume my sils CO their moms. It seems one was CO to his mom years before my dd married him, she has never met his mom. No affect to me and my dh.

Madgran77 I think one dd is CO to her mil recently, two dd were co to their mils for a few years, and my eldest dd has never met a mil. Sil CO to mil a number of years before dd met sil. It's vague to me, but that's my understanding. My dds all seem to do well and not be bothered much by dhs decisions regarding mils, that I know (after dhs put a stop to toxic). No affect is felt by us.

Norah, you wouldn't feel any effect would you? You're not the one cut off.

nina1959 No, I disagree. We would know if our daughters were sad or bothered, signs to us would make us unhappy.

signals to us of their discomfort (what I tried to type)

How very strange Norah and how sad that u don't appear to care about m I laws cut off as long as u ok!?

I would be very worried if my son cut off his m I aw it isn't normal or pleasant behaviour and for all 3 to do this ?.????

celebgran My daughters dhs mums are not of my concern, we don't really know them. Would you know them?

To be clear, my sis CO their mums, it's none of my business.

Why would Norah involve herself in a situation that has nothing to do with her?
Why should she risk her relationship with these adults?

Her SIL are presumabley adults? And so able to govern their own relationships.

Norah, it seems odd that all your daughters have cut off their MIL's.
That leaves you as the sole grandmother and matriarch to enjoy all the fruits of the family.

Bibbity, if I saw the unfair or unreasonable treatment going on towards another family member, I wouldn't hide my head in the sand. Sometimes I think it suits the other side of the family when one side is cut off. Well I don't think, I know it does. It makes the favoured side just as bad.
But don't get too comfy, things can change.

That's fine. Just know that you risk them turning around and telling you to mind your own business.
As Norah has stated. One MiL was never on the scene in the first place. So how is that Norah or her daughters fault?

To be honest Bibbity I'm glad to be free of all the manipulation that seems to go on in families today. It's difficult for those that are estranged but having witnessed those families that are 'together', walking on eggshells, being afraid to say no, being a slave to rules and regulations (whoever taught them to speak to their parents in such a way???), and if you dare to utter the wrong word or have an opinion, you too may be cut off, I honestly think I'm in a better place! It's the grandchildren I feel sorry for but other than this, I don't miss my AC.

Here's to freedom!

Oh no, not so, nina1959, none of our daughters have co anybody. And until recently we had 3 sets of GPs. Us and our mums and dads. And I don't know about and fruits to our family?

This is not what I said at all - "Norah, it seems odd that all your daughters have cut off their MIL's. That leaves you as the sole grandmother and matriarch to enjoy all the fruits of the family."

Norah your clearly said your daughters have co their mother in laws

Or rather you said s i laws have but surely your daughters would have say In This? I was extremely close to my m i laws.

It's quite clear Norah as nina says with your daughters cutting of other grans you are the sole one enjoying fruits of the family,

It clearly suits you to have that u healthy situation,

celebgran ...IF I said my daughters co anyone, I wrote wrong.

However, I don't think that is what I said. My sils co their mums.

What have my daughters dhs mums to do with me? Nothing.

Further, I said we had 3 sets of GPs. Us, and both our sets of parents.

What in the world is a "fruit of family"? We have none I know of.