Estrangement / Cut off Mum

Personally, I wouldn't classify someone of 55 as being a a peer of their 72 year old parent..

A peer group is definitel as individuals primarily of a similar age, similar qualifications and social status. One out of three doesn't qualify IMO.

I do consider us peers, close in age, same social status in our little area, and yes - we have no education. I also think I quit being a parent figure quite some time ago.

I don't need anyone but my husband to agree

Well, as long as your DH agrees, that's fine! Nuff said....

Anya I don't see how you read anything belittling into celebgrans post ! Am I missing something

Maybe I missed something too Madgran, Celeb's post began with apologising in case she'd misunderstood Norah's post.

Thanks fairydoll madgran and smilless ??
Rosie's op tomorrow really don't need any more hassle!

Not feeling great but had our precious little great niece for afternoon and it was delightful ? Two hours was suprisingly tiring, painted her nails, read story, and dh played hide and seek her favourite !

We feel so blessed.

Obviously.

No explanation then Anya!!!! It was a genuine question!!!

nina1959

I agree with a lot you have said on your post above - trying to rebuild after estrangement and now accepting it will never mend, I am trying to increase areas such as hobbies and interests, but I also would never want to be treading on eggshells to appease AC ever again. My estDS warned me as soon as he met estDiL that she was sensitive but didn't take prisoners, and my presence was tolerated once a year for a weekend.

I am new to this group - new to GN but this area of post has been a real eye opener as I now know I am not alone in suffering this type of estrangement.

nina1969 - would love to join your support group.

Smileless2012 celebgran hello

Madgran' even though you didn't put a question mark in your post, I'll assume that the 'am I missing something' was the question you asked.

I did answer it. I said 'obviously' ...meaning that obviously you missed something which I read into a certain post. You didn't 'ask' for an 'explanation' and therefore I didn't give one.

Fairydoll2030 Thank you, that what I like to think as well.

I thought about this Smileless2012 "I think it's quite disturbing to read posts from m.i.l.'s who talk about walking on egg shells and keeping their mouths shut for fear of upsetting their d's.i.l. What a sad way to live, to be worried about having an opinion and expressing it for fear of causing a rift."

Don't you suppose in any good relationship respect - keeping ones mouth shut on upsetting topics, minding ones own business, and not expressing ones unwanted opinions is the way to go?

This is a brilliant place to express unwanted opinions, ask questions that one would never ask in real life, and wonder. But with in laws? Not so good.

I think people think it's ok to express opinions to their children that they wouldn't express normally. Things like "You've put on weight." to son can be read as "You're not looking after him." by DIL. Or "I wouldn't have bought that table." "I've just tidied those papers up." "I don't think you should have any more babies." Things you wouldn't (I hope) dream of saying normally in the course of conversation.

I have opinions, but my daughters are loathe to listen. I firmly shut my mouth, just yesterday, regarding the ease of use differences between Stanstead and Gatwick. My DDs do have brains, though it may not seems so momentarily.

What some DIL's may regard as an innocent remark, others (including my son's partner), may deem an 'insult.'

I once remarked to her that my DGS (about a year old at the time) was 'developing into a real little personality.' She scowled at me and responded, 'Well, he's always had a personality!'

OK, so that was me told. My remark was just an observation about a gorgeous little man. Ah well, since she cut herself off from us we don't have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths.

Fairydoll2030 I think "insult" is key, is it not?

I have no idea what may insult a person I have not raised up from birth.

Or what their sensitivities are. I once made a joke about our comparative heights to my cousin's wife which she took badly. I had no idea she was sensitive about being small. I've always thought it must be lovely to be petite and feminine.

Anya the question mark got missed off by accident, but frankly its pretty obvious that is the question! No I did not ask directly for an explanation but the question suggests it ...still, never mind, maybe being obtuse is more interesting!!!

Not to worry Madgran ?

I find it wisest not to answer a question which hasn't been asked.

Obviously a relationship with an adult child's partner will be totally different from the one between said AC and his/her parent....and as such will require a lot of level headed thinking. That is so obvious it's hardly worth saying. However, a relationship between a parent and an adult child where one fears being honest with the other is, in my opinion, a relationship with something missing.

As for the partners, if someone is determined to cause a rift, any and everything will be grist to their mill. My daughter-in-law cut me off because, travelling through her country, I commented that it was beautiful, but I personally missed our "green and pleasant land".

When my DGS was around a year old I made, what I considered to be an innocent remark, 'Isn't he developing into a real little personality?' After scowling at me my sons partner retorted, 'he's always had a personality!

I swear that if I said the weather wasn't too good she would take it as a personal insult. With some people you just can't win.

Her estranging herself has proved quite beneficial. We don't have to think about every single word that we utter. Happy Days.

My first post on the subject of innocent remarks disappeared off the screen at the end of my typing it and didn't show on the thread, hence I posted similar again.

Sorry ladies!

Fairydoll I can't imagine how anyone would take that remark as an insult frankly! Taking the point made about not knowing what might insult someone not raised from birth, I begin to wonder how any relationships are maintained atall. I'm not sure why raised from birth would be such a game changer!
Anyway. I am sorry you have been CO ...not having to watch every word, can't possibly make up for that.

Madgran

We were only cut off from HER, not my son or DGS. I don't want to go into the details as I have posted those on GN before, but it was difficult at first because her lies about us caused problems between my son and his partner - and that worried us.
However I probably see more of my son than before and I would say we are closer too. We see our DGS regularly so it could be classed as a win win situation. Nevertheless, we cannot see into the future and things could change, who knows?

fairydoll glad you are able to see you son and grandchildren!