Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

This thread is a great advert for the mantra- 'try before you buy'. I never understand why people cannot see future problems will arise when certain behaviours show themselves so glaringly in your face in the early days of a relation. My family still treat my home as theirs and one of the first things I would do in a new relationship is get them to descend en masse- with adults, kids, pets etc. and see how the boyfriend coped. One thing I would also look at is how their relationship is with their own children and parents( if they have any as that is a good indicator of potential problems). Sorry, I don't have much sympathy with people who don't discuss potential difficulties before they can arise when all the evidence is there beforehand. With this man, tell him to go away for the day if he doesn't like it. It must be very hurtful to your family to see you putting him before them. One of the best pieces of advice I heard was- 'remove the audience'- so if he starts on grumbling, just put your coat on and go shopping without a word or a look back and only respond to him when he has something nice to say to you. Personally, I would have stayed living in separate households as things would have worked out better then. He seems a very jealous, childish man and his behaviour is worse than the grandchildren's who have the excuse of being real children!!

I've lived with a similar situation for years and feel for you. My daughter's husband and my second husband have never got on and are both very inflexible. I have never been able to enjoy happy relaxed family gatherings (and have also been excluded from some) for this reason. However I wanted to stay married so just had to accept that we weren't welcome as a couple. It caused me heartache, but I managed to see my grandchildren and my daughter on their own quite frequently, but that is also hard because my husband feels very left out especially now he is older and unwell. However neither of the men can compromise, so we're stuck with it. All I can say is I feel grateful that we're not totally estranged like some grandparents, but it's not ideal. Only you can decide what's best for you. I decided to put up with the situation & try to make the best of it. Both men are good people, but very different in their background, interests & attitudes and neither find it easy to change. Life sometimes doesn't work out as you would wish.

You say your husband has no idea how I feel so maybe he is just venting after a visit in an effort to cope. Sometimes I feel I have to have a huge moan to my husband about my stepsons in order not to keep mulling it over and building resentment. My friend's DP also feels and acts the same way as myself regarding her children.
Perhaps it is time your husband was told quite frankly how you feel about his attitude in order to give him the opportunity to make things right with you even if this means a compromise as others have suggested. I wish you well and hope you can sort this out for all your sakes.

Yep The Rolling Stones were right! 'You can't always get what you want'. Been singing that a lot recently.

Hello Manny.
Yes I know all about this family problem. My O.H. and I married at age age 60 after both being widowed and on our own for a few years. He had no children from first marriage and no experience of young children at all.
My daughter was used to coming to stay with her 3 young children as her husband was often working away on Oil Rigs. O.H used to get in a state when the kids dropped food at the table or had their toys everywhere. They were not particularly naughty, just young kids playing.
My daughter began to feel embarrassed when she came, so I decided to sort out O.H. after they left one weekend about 10 years ago. I just told him him that they will always come first, and if he persisted in being such a pain in the bum when they came he could either stay at his brothers or run the risk that our marriage would be short lived.
It was only two days every three weeks. Well it shook him !
I got him to play with the kids more and except that little people look at life differently to us.
Eventually he got the boys interested in Model railways and they used to take up all the floor. Over the years he has become very fond of the children and came to love my daughter as his own.
It took time but we got there. My daughter
died last year from Breast Cancer and he was devastated. Now the kids are teenagers we still see them but not as much.
So I would say you have to stand firm on this problem. Your family were in your life long before you met O.H.
It isnt easy but we worked at it, but I know I would rather have ended my marriage than ban my children from coming to visit. Good Luck.

People who have not had children often find it hard to cope with grandchildren etc, then you have to add in the factor of step families.
If it was lme, I'd go on my own for a few days at a time, after discussing with husband . He has the choice of coming with you and totally accepting the standards of behaviour you and the children's parents have set, or of staying at home for a few days quietness. That way it's his choice of what he does, but he has to accept the parents have to do the discipline. Good luck.

If you were still living in your 'own' house - would he/you behave this way?

Is there any chance at all that everyone would sit down together and talk about the concern you ALL have as family - you are all one family at the moment, right? Maybe bringing it out into the open will take away the power it has over everyone's behaviour. It sounds like his upbringing may have been very different to your style of grandparenting - and no one can say what the 'correct' way to be is - we are all different.

People change all the time - if there is enough understanding, support, skill and motivation.

Manny, I've read through all of these (in the main) helpful suggestions but not seen any that relate to what sprung into my mind (sorry if I missed anything). You said " We have been together for seven years. For four of those years, I lived in my own house. He spent a great deal of time there and I started to cook for him and to help with his business." My thoughts are that it might just work if you were to go back to square one and get a house of your own nearby whilst keeping the marriage (and friendship) intact.

Someone we know lived in adjacent bungalows; it worked for them.

I can see both sides here. Every time this sort of situation arises on Gransnet there is a surge of indignation and/or blame. As human beings we are NOT all alike and some will never have the bonds, love, closeness, interactions that most appear to have. I think this comes from the fact that most women are maternal and put family above all else. That is good and admiral, but please remember not everyone has either the back ground or life experiences to foster such relationships for whatever reason. I feel they need compassion and understanding. rizletts suggestion of a family summit may be a starting point. Or you could quote child development from the perspective that the home environment should be the place where children CAN test boundaries, make a mess and so on in order to explore/understand/be taught what is acceptable and how to share feelings and responses- hopefully resulting in adjusted and well balanced members of the family unit.

So sad a friend was in a similar situation her new partner said before they moved in tog.No grandchildren staying over even though he has his own grandchildren. Needless to say she stayed in her house and he has had to stay in his. Her's a house of laughter while his is deathly quiet. Manny I would go and stay with my daughter quite often!! And let your H stay at home on his own , see if he changes his attitude. Sounds like he is controlling you and your family by behaving like a spoilt child play him at his own game and ignore his behaviour. Go to visit them on your own you will enjoy it more and not be walking on eggshells.

I do go to visit them on my own quite often - going in a week's time. This suits, as it means I can give all my attention to them without worrying about him. He has never stayed with them: house too small and not enough bathrooms, in his opinion.
Sod the number of bathrooms! Other things are more important. I'm really looking forward to seeing the DD and DGC - and also my DS, his wife and little boy. Incidentally - they won't come to stay either!

I have often said to my girl friends that they are lucky to still be married to their children's father. I too have remarried and my DH makes scathing remarks when my son phones for a chat or advice. I go up to London to help with grandchildren every couple of weeks - again not appreciated at home. And yet - I have a brilliant relationship with his daughter and grand daughter and often help outwith child care and a shoulder to cry on. My DH has 4 grown up kids none of which he visits unless I organise it - seems he is of a generation where he expects children to fly the nest and not expect any help from mum and dad. I just grin and bear it - and try to turn the other cheek. Sometimes easier said than done. My son has recently asked if I/we could have the children overnight one weekend - we already have my step grandchild overnight occasionally - Touche - will be interesting!!

Just remember - you may be married but you're not joined at the hip! I hope he has some hobbies that will keep him happy while you go and visit your family whenever you feel like going (and think about suggesting some things to get him out of the way house when they come to visit you).

Dare I say this - do you think with some men there is a tad of jealousy - that they like being the centre of their wife's attention and are not when the family visit?

Sorry but I'm with stillaliveandkicking. Nobody would come between me and my children/grandchildren there's nobody more important to me. It appears OP has tried very hard and he has not tried at all. However after leaving a psychopath of a husband I'd rather cut off my arm than be in another relationship.

So that's alright then Manny. You get what you want - your family. He gets what he wants - not to be with your family. But you're unhappy and aggrieved because...
Just help me out here. I genuinely don't see the problem.

He has never stayed with them: house too small and not enough bathrooms, in his opinion.

He may have a point there. He's not their father/grandfather after all. We both find the lack of privacy when 'bunking down' at DD's house a bit of a challenge. It's even worse now the DGCs are all in their late teens and hog the 'facilities'

They're your family so you're obviously not going to mind a bit of inconvenience.

Far better that you visit them on your own.

I know we havent directly heard his perspective but to be honest he seems unable to provide any give and take here atall ....if he cares for you why cant he see that this part of that caring? Why does it bother him so much when a door isnt shut or whatever? To be honest he sounds like he needs to grow up a bit, compromise a bit, relax a bit ...and if necessary just clear off and shit up whilst they visit! Even if they can do no wrong in your eyes (in his view) ...so what? I do sympathise with you though, hard problem and hard choices!

Jayanna9040 "So that's alright then Manny. You get what you want - your family. He gets what he wants - not to be with your family. But you're unhappy and aggrieved because..." "Just help me out here. I genuinely don't see the problem."

Manny, your solution is good, is there a problem?

Not for me Araabra, but Manny is clearly still quite angry and unhappy. I think it's a great solution.

Oh but I do see the problem. The comment (is that a marriage) says it.
You know how to work around it, by separating him from them, but you would rather that he could grow to accept and welcome them. If he has agreed to counselling then perhaps he's open to it. But realistically he has a mountain to climb.
a) he's had no close experience of children
b) his own childhood was in the days when children were seen and not heard
c) he is understandably envious of the easy way you have with the children when he wouldn't know where to start
d) he is possibly a little jealous of the unconditional love you have for them (they do no wrong) when love for him is of course not totally unconditional

So to answer your question, yes that is a marriage.

I have read through all this about his/her grandchildren. My DH will not hear a wrong word about either of his own children. Whereas mine, they are completely riddled with faults in his mind. I know no-one is perfect but they are all really good people, happy, outgoing, adventurous, well-educated, and all except one own their own homes. There appears to be nothing he likes about them and this has gone on throughout our 9 year relationship. I imagined that the more he got to know them he would like them better but No. When my eldest daughter came to stay with her OH, who was then her DH and their son my husband didn't speak. However long they stayed he never spoke to either them or me. The sigh of relief when they left was like a switch. He came back in the house and began chatting to me again. I have had the conversation with my daughter who, obviously knew she'd caused some kind of problem and now they stay in either a hotel or at one of my other children's house. It makes me so feel so hurt and let down. If any of my children say they're coming over he says stuff like "What are they coming for" the atmosphere is so bad I'm almost glad we don't see too much of them all. His children live a long way away and he doesn't mind not seeing them.

I've not been here for a while and I've read through the whole of this thread quite quickly so Please forgive me if this has already been said. What a terribly sad situation, we all agree. My feeling is that even if the man agrees to keep his opinions to himself re the. grandchildren, there will still be a horrid atmosphere while he is around them. "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still" , my mother used to say, and the DD and her children will not want to come because they won't be able to relax. Things will not improve when they are teenagers either. Children and grandchildren are one of life's greatest joys,me end if we have to button our own lips sometimes. If finance is not too big a problem I know what I'd do....LTB

Does your DH love you, Manny? Does he want you to be happy?
If so, then explain to him how you feel and that you believe your DGC are as well behaved as can be expected and as you would like, so you would like him to think up a way of you being able to have them to stay with you, without upsetting him.

Maybe then he will come up with the idea that he could stay elsewhere during their visits, as a generous gift to you all of removing his grumpiness from the situation. (Or, if his imagination fails him, maybe you could suggest it.)

If he can do it as a kind action, that would be much better for everyone than if you have to order him out.

You haven't said but obviously your ideal solution would be for him to change his attitude and become happy and relaxed with them but I don't think that will happen.