Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

Like Hannahloisluke my second husband was lovely to my daughters then we moved in together and he became very strict and when they were in their teens downright nasty I used to think it was because he wasn't their natural father however we had a son together and he was worse towards him we split up eventually as it became obvious he loved me to bits but was very jealous of anyone else who I was close to he alienated me from most of my family I regret now the years I wasted on him hoping he would change and most of all what I basically let him put my children through in other words he may love you deeply but he obviously isn't bothered enough to compromise to make you happy.

Jalima wrote:
"Dare I say this - do you think with some men there is a tad of jealousy - that they like being the centre of their wife's attention and are not when the family visit?"
I agree, this could be the crux of the problem.
Our situation wasn't identical, but similar. He hated mine at first, I hated his. The children showed signs of jealousy too.
We had combined 2 families and spent years trying to sort out the various rivalries and jealousies. I was jealous of the love he showed to his daughter (perfectly natural), and he was jealous of my love for my children.
The final point that made us decide to stick it out was, we've only got eachother, maybe for a limited time. They've got their whole lives ahead of them (they were all teenagers by then.)
But everyone's nature is different, no cut and dried rules.

Hi Manny What helped me eventually stop feeling totally stressed & heartbroken (and the middle of the sandwich), was to change my own attitude & stop hoping he would change and just say "I'm going to see so&so today" - It might be a friend/family member he finds it hard to put up with in the (very small) house. I stopped any more debating about the issue and he does "lump it"'. He has his undisturbed peace and quiet. I'm sorry if this also means he feels bored/lonely at times, but that is his choice. I need my valued relationships to stay sane! I wish I'd had the confidence to do this much sooner! Good luck x

I feel so sorry that you have this problem. I have an argumentative 2nd husband. He can say sharp words to my grandchildren and I hate him for it. When they come round I have to prewarn him before they arrive. He hasn't got the love that the biological grandparent has.
One thing for sure, there is no way I would let his attitude interfere with my love and relationship I have with my g/kids.

Just read Harrysgran post. I agree it is definitely a jealously thing. The kids are yours and will never be his. The kids give you affection, he gets JEALOUS. Silly man, mucking it up for himself.

Seems like you both need to compromise, as wilygran says you have to accept the differences between you. Organise time with your family at home when he can retreat to another room after initial greetings or at their homes. Your family is a big part of your life and you should enjoy time with them.

There seem to be two camps here: one that sees the problem I have with the situation and perhaps has had personal experience of it, and the other that thinks that the marriage and the problems re GC can be compartmentalised. I do appreciate the latter point of view, but the crux of the matter is that I struggle with that. This is why I've initiated counselling. I should point out that I've had individual counselling for the same problem. I'm trying! (probably in both senses of that word!) I hope it will have some effect.
DH has no family left to speak of and we're both getting older. I had hoped that he might have been able to forge some sort of bond with the GC but now have accepted that this is not going to happen. Probably a naive hope in the first place.

I don't have children, I married a widower with three teenage children, and one is very disabled and I, from choice, am his main carer. I now have five lovely (usually!) step grand children.

Not having your own children DOESNT automatically mean that you can't love and understand children.

I spend far more time with my stepchildren and their children than their dad (my husband) does. It's far more to do with personalities, life experiences, etc, etc.

So please, some Gransnetters, please PLEASE stop being so hard on those of us who are either step-anything or childless. Life can be difficult enough for us, without stereotypical views from some people in this Forum!

There doesn't appear to be any thing wrong between you and hubby. The problem is that he has never had children and has a military approach to child rearing. I have no doubt that you have spoken to him about this and he is either not listening or he is convinced his way is the correct one. He won't change.
So how do you move on, well you have had happy times with your gc before and of course you wish to continue. If it is your house then perhaps he can. Move out when they come to stay or you rent a holiday cottage/ caravan so you can have holidays with your family without your partner. The only. Other option. Is to ditch your partner. In Favour of your family. You only have these options. Me if he won't listen then ditch him.

Manny

There is a life and a good life that doesn't need a man in it. At 66 I am at my most content. Retired and enjoying new hobbies through the U3A, and walking groups. I love to laugh and I find I do plenty of that. For me my 'compromising' days are over, as someone pointed out the definition of 'compromise' is someone else getting their own way. I am going on my first solo cruise in May.
Last year I went on holiday with my best friend and her husband and was shocked how he continually spoke down to her. We have been friends for 25yrs and she was such a strong woman at work. Now retired she as turned into a little no confidence woman.So sad.

No not for me to meet anyone again, Freedom is my greatest asset.

I'm very impressed he's agreed to go to marriage guidance. I think that is grounds for optimism. And if it's jealousy, perhaps the way forward might be to arrange for him to have time with the children himself, somehow encourage, nurture, support him in building up a relationship with them. If you try to keep them separate that will increase the jealousy, don't you think?
Good luck

merlotgran We both find the lack of privacy when 'bunking down' at DD's house a bit of a challenge.
It's the trotting along the corridor to the loo in the middle of the night that I find a bit of a problem - worried that I'll wake them up when I flush it

It was probably a shock to his system if he's been used to a quiet life, so include him when you can for short periods so that he feels he is 'included' and then spend more time with them on your own.

You want him to love them I think manny and I don't think that will happen especially if he has never had children of his own. Perhaps he and his wife couldn't and he feels a bit envious of your close relationship with your family (who are the children and grandchildren of another man).

It's very difficult for both of you and I do hope you can come to a compromise. Tell him you appreciate that he tries when they visit but tell him if he wants to moan about them when they have gone to go to the shed and have a whinge to himself there.

If your marriage is happy apart from this it would be very sad to have to choose (and of course you would choose your family although I know someone who didn't!) - and you could tell him that and ask if that is what he really wants.

I'm so sorry manny. Your new husband seems to be a self centered person who does not want to share your attention with any other family members. You say he is 8 years older than yourself. Sadly this means that you may well be come his carer in the future. I think you need to organise your exit and have a life..

I think you should continue with your counselling sessions, agree that you have quite different ideas and that this would appear to mean that you will need to return to your original arrangement of two houses and a good friend ship. Stand your ground in the counselling. See what happens. I think you will be moving out.

I just somehow felt that my husband's irritability and standoffishness had to have something different about them
and, after looking at all of the problems we have, my research pinned it down to Asperger's Syndrome. Apparently, a lot of people have it and many have gone undiagnosed (just accepted as being the way they were / are)all their lives, or it came to light in their later years. Look at the symptoms.

I have the same dilemma. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and he has known my children since the youngest was 6 and the eldest 12. Either he behaves or responds in a way designed to make them feel uncomfortable or and he won't join in at all creating an atmosphere of uncomfortable and uncertain. The next a situation presents I will keep both parties separate. It is very distressing especially as I now have grandchildren

My wife and I have always been 100% for our children and grandchildren. My wife's cousin's marriage broke up and we agreed she could stay at our house until her divorce had been completed. It turned out to be a big big mistake on our part. Her cousin told us that we were too soft to our kids and grandchildren and we should toughen up and not let our home be 'open house' I found out some time later that she have been telling my wife we should move away to stop the kids popping in so often.
When I found out my wife and I had a discussion and decided her cousin must go. The children are our children the grandchildren are our grandchildren not my wife's cousins. She was just so jealous of the bond we have with the family. I think your new husband is jealous of the bond you have with your family.

Can you look at this from a different angle? Just for one minute, imagine there's just you and him, your darling children and beautiful grandchildren don't exist (yes, I know!). Would you be happy sharing your life with him? If the answer is yes, then you have to find a solution to the problem but, if you still wouldn't be happy then perhaps you need to consider the direction you are taking. Good luck, you must feel like you are being pulled in 2 directions

I have never joined in any of these discussions before but read many of them with interest! I have no grandchildren and no husband so I have no idea why I think I have something to contribute in this discussion but my initial thought was that you should tell him your family are coming to stay and you would appreciate it if he could take himself off for the few days - book him on a coach trip and wave goodbye for a week! Then you can all enjoy yourselves! :-)

Its a horrible situation to be in. I am hoping it will work out for you. I have had the problem the other way round for 24 years. My husband's children have never acknowledged me. It was hard at first, but now I couldn't care less. My husband and I have always been strong for each other which has got us through this difficult situation.

I suppose it depends on whether you would be happy to keep your children and grandchildren apart from your husband? I'm sure that could be done, although not ideal, and could work.
It does seem a shame though, to have to compromise on such an important issue. How far would the compromise go? Does it mean awkward times if there is a family wedding or birthday?
How about if someone was ill, and needed looking after? (you, for example) Would your hubby and children still have to be kept separate because he is unable to stop himself from creating an atmosphere?
I would take the counselling as an opportunity to decide if the marriage is going to work, long term.

What an awful position to be put in by your H . Is he mean spirited in any other ways or just when it comes to your DC and DGC . It does sound a bit like jealousy and not wanting to share you , I would have a frank discussion with him , no holes barred and get it out into the open to see if either of you are happy with a compromise. You really can`t accept his behaviour towards your family as it is surely? would he be happy to take himself off while they visit , I think not . My guess is that he is not going to be able to change so it is whether you are happy to be estranged from your family to live with this grumpy old man . I know who I would choose .

f77ms, that's exactly what I wanted to ask.

Manny, putting the 'he doesn't have children' aspect aside, maybe your husband's response could be about jealousy/control/being the most important person in your life.

Do you have hobbies/interests/friends which don't involve your husband? If so, does he have any issue with you continuing them? If you could get to the root of why your husband reacts to your family in this way, you could perhaps figure out how to move forward.

Well, in fact he's the one who has very consuming hobbies which occupy a good deal of his time! I've learnt to take myself off and do my own thing. I suspect that, too, is part of the problem. In addition to his distance from my family, that is another area of separateness.
He can be a bit closed, if you know what I mean. We are only 8 years apart in age, but it seems like a whole generation sometimes - hence some of the attitude towards children.
Yes, he can be what appears to be 'mean spirited' - possibly for the above reason. Victor Meldrew???

maybe he just doesn't like children or has no patience with them ,we're not all the same and its hard when you're not used to them ,we were always very strict with our kids and my husband has little patience with the grandchildren ,one who is here half of every week ,he gets very frustrated when she answers back or refuses to do whats she's asked and often just leaves the room and sometimes the house.His war cry is we wouldn't have let OURS away with it...but they're not ours and its different times and parents have different attitudes to what ours were.It causes stress here and they are OUR grandkids so it will certainly be worse if your OH is not their grandfather and hasn't dealt young children before .I'd say find your OH something to occupy his time when they visit and have seperate meal times for the little ones.I know its walking on eggshells but sometimes thats all we can do