Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

I thought many of them had turned into Victor Meldrew by that age though manny
That's what DD calls DH when he gets grumpy, but of course, she is his DD so he doesn't stomp off, he listens to her even if he won't listen to me!

jenwren someone pointed out the definition of 'compromise' is someone else getting their own way
Compromise may be the enemy of achievement but it should not result in win-lose, i.e. one party getting all their own way.
A practised negotiator, as I'm sure we all are on here, should be able to achieve win-win, i.e. both parties may give up something of their original position but come out of it with something to their advantage.

I'm sorry for Manny and others who have problems with 2nd DHs and their DC and DGC. It's an increasing problem with so many divorces and remarriages. I must have been very lucky with my late 2nd DH as he loved my DSs and then my DGDs and we saw more of them than his family, who I did what I could for and often babysat. The nearest I have to this is my son who has never left home and works shifts so doesn't like my DGDs coming most weekends.
Manny, it sounds as if the easiest thing for you to do is to visit your family and leave your DH on his own while you do so. It may not be ideal, but we can't all have everything we want and that's a good compromise.

Granmamoira , What happens when the OP is older and cannot take herself off and visit her family or becomes ill etc . I would say the best idea is to tackle the issue now while she is strong enough and young enough and before she may need help from her DD DGC . I think we have to nurture our relationships with our children , we may not always get what we want but should make sure we get what we need and that is a relaxed , happy relationship with our children and grandchildren . This man is a grumpy, self centred old bore from the sounds of it and should be told as much

How about a holiday, even a long weekend occasionally with your family,leave your spouse at home. hope everything works out for you..

He is trying to cut you off from your family, that's intolerable. He sounds controlling and unpleasant. I would rather be alone than with someone like this.

I was speaking to my sister about this yesterday & she laughed & said her husband is and always was the same with his own children and grandchildren. She said she always just ignored him! (Though it did irritate her). What a blessing it can be to be determined & bossy!

This all reminds me so much of why I am happily divorced . I can have my family here whenever I want and for how long I want . It all sounds so depressing Manny and I really feel for you , please get this sorted asap for your own sake . It will cause a rift and your DC must be so hurt by this mans behaviour towards them .

I'm with those who say to see your dac and dgc away from dh. If that means only visiting them at their homes and their staying in a hotel if they come to see you, then so be it.

Should you leave your marriage over this? Only you can answer that. But will your ac and families be there for you on a daily basis as dh is? Or are they too busy with their own families? Are there other problems in your marriage or is this the only one? If your marriage is good for the most part, perhaps it is best to stick with it and just keep dh apart from your ac and their families.

It's not just a case of making other arrangments to see the AC and GC.
It sounds as if Manny feels it is an important part of her character to be able to offer relaxed hospitality to her family, in her home.
That would be why she asked the question "Is that a marriage?", as it seems her DH is making her give up on something that is very important to her.

Some have said "You knew what he was like before you married him". Maybe not, if he wasn't around when the GC visited, but he must have known that those visits happened and that they are important to Manny.

I don't really see why you should be forced out of your own home in order to see your own family, although you could go out with them more.

Lots of men become miserable grumpy Victors as they age; of course if you have a lifetime together and the family is his as well as yours you just tell them to stop being a grumpy old so and so and to find something they will enjoy doing with the DGC, or do something that the DGC will enjoy helping with eg gardening, woodwork etc. It doesn't have to be all games and play, the DGC will learn by copying what adults do too.

If you have an otherwise good relationship don't be worried about telling him you won't put up with his moans about the family. He knew you had a family when he married you.

Why does the majority think men "become" grumpy. My experience is that once a grump always a grump and that means a selfish uncooperative person.

He's never been a grump, or perhaps we were both so busy working I never noticed before

not at all selfish or unco-operative

There is such a phenomenon as Grumpy Old Women too -just read the politics threads on here--

OH is never grumpy. Nor am I. We love our life, our AC and GC. I get tired of childminding, but I forgot to say no.

He grumps about politics, street lights being left on in the day, the cats in the garden, the hammer when it hits his finger etc etc, not at us!
There is a difference

Manny Another theme that we haven't flagged up is that children of divorce (even grown up ones) can also be jealous of their parent's allegiance to a new partner and actually put you in the position of being pulled two ways. They may not do it consciously, but all the little family jokes & comments about a new partner are a way of testing (and in some cases, undermining,) your commitment to the new relationship.
It's a horrid feeling to be in the middle of the sandwich, but with hindsight I think we make it worse by trying to please everybody. We have to be honest with ourselves, whether we want to be with our partner or not. However I would be wary of thinking children will always be there for you. Grandchildren grow up move away& have their own busy lives and your children's first commitment is to their own partners' needs when push comes to shove

A PS. I hate it when people called others' children brats or other's husbands nasty & selfish. Sadly, it says more about the poster than the actual topic under discussion.

f77ms I agree, my second DH now ex would dictate who I could or couldnt have around to our - my home, and what a relief it is after divorce to have the freedom to have who I like around including relatives and friends.

At one point he tried to tell me I could only see adult DS (who lived nearby) on weekdays, as he wanted weekends to himself.

Well he got his way!

I agree with someone else posting thats it best to sort this out now - or to ignore him and have family including grandchildren around, trying to isolate a spouse is not good.

I agree with wilygrans PS post.

For myself I'd think about what matters most to me, seeing my AC and GC at my home once in a bit or living every day with my spouse. Only manny knows which is more important to her. I'd be perfectly content visiting with my dds and gc in their homes if it kept my OH happy, but maybe manny wants something different than that dynamic.

Goodness , Atalanta would you really let him dictate who you could have in your own home and if indeed you could ?!

Yes, I said I'd choose a happy spouse and visit my dds and gc elsewhere. He means more to me than any other. Leave and cleave and all. I also said only manny can decide for herself which is more important for her, a spouse or visiting ac and gc at home.

I know exactly how you feel I have had a similar problem for years now I try to limit visits to around 3 days max that's as long as I can walk on eggshells trying to keep everyone happy my husband is good in many ways but laid back he is not , it's his rules and regulations in his house(he forgets it is half mine) My daughter and grandchildren now know how to keep on the right side of him by just agreeing with everything he says whilst they are here it's annoying to me they have to do this but it keeps the peace and is far better than the arguments that used to occur with them storming out of the house vowing never to return It's difficult I know but I do manage to visit them for a week at a time when we can be our easygoing selves without any conflict and I would recommend this to you if you want to keep everyone happy Both you and I are missing out on family life as it should be but the alternative is to leave and if all other aspects of your marriage are good this seems a drastic step to take.

You must assert yourself Manny, he is bullying you all. Do have the children and their parents to stay for as long as you want to. It's your home as well as his. He sounds rather unpleasant, selfish and (like many men) believes he is always right. Don't let him destroy you and your loving family relationships. Keep it all going and tell him to shut up.