Gransnet forums


How much should we tell them of health issues

(82 Posts)
dewy5 Sun 26-Feb-17 15:56:27

I have two sons who both live some distance away. I see them, and their families, probably every 4/6 weeks. I speak and facetime with them regularly and feel that we are fairly close. As my DH and I are beginning to have small, niggly health issues I do mention this to them, but wonder if I should. From my own experiencies, I know it's hard to accept that ones parents are ageing, so wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing.
They have their own family issues to deal with, of course, and I'm not asking for any help, but wonder if I'm placing an additional burden on them.
Just wondered what other gransnetters views would be.

whitewave Sun 26-Feb-17 15:59:19

No I don't bother. That's life. Things begin to fall off, and aches and pains a way of life. You will just become a boring old fart if you give them a blow by blow of your ailments.

nanaK54 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:03:13

No not just the 'niggly' things, I would share anything serious though.

tanith Sun 26-Feb-17 16:03:48

I've had the same thoughts dewy5, I was talking to one of my daughters about my imminent hip surgery when I realised I was doing exactly what my Mum used to do to me and frankly I remember thinking at the time for gods sake Mum I know what you are going through but I don't want to talk about it every time we speak.
So I do tell them about the big things going on but don't update them on every appointment or development. If its just a niggly thing I keep it to myself. Every family is different of course and your children may not mind you updating them I just know I dreaded hearing the latest update on my Mums little niggles every time we spoke.

dewy5 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:05:05

I definately do not do that!! I was meaning slightly more serious matters. Yes, it's life to grow old with aches and pains, which just become part of the daily routine! No need to share that information, I dont think!

whitewave Sun 26-Feb-17 16:07:25

Oh well I would tell them say if my breast cancer returned or something equally awful we phoned when our hearts caved in, but anything less serious I don't bother.

dewy5 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:08:08

Thank you tanith - you got the gist of my post! I think being men, they're on a different wavelength anyway! And yes, we do seem to turn into our own Mums!!

MissAdventure Sun 26-Feb-17 16:11:13

My daughter always asks me about how all my ailments are. Its only just occurred to me how she must feel when I give her a full rundown! blush

shysal Sun 26-Feb-17 16:12:14

I rarely talk about any health problems to DDs. If I do mention anything in passing, they never remember to ask how I am later! However, I am sure they would be supportive if anything major cropped up.

Grannybags Sun 26-Feb-17 16:14:01

No, only the big things. I wouldn't want them to stop getting in touch because they got fed up listening to all my woes!

janeainsworth Sun 26-Feb-17 16:14:13

I think the question to ask yourself dewy is
'If the DCs had this condition, would I want to know?'

I don't want to know if my DCs have got a bit of a cold - but if the one who lives near me had flu I might want to go round to administer TLC, if she would let me. The other two live too far away for me to offer assistance, other than in the direst emergency.

Obviously I would want to know about something life-threatening.

Between those two extremes are non-life-threatening things which nevertheless might have an impact on how active you are or on your independence in the short or long-term.

I generally operate on a 'need-to-know' basis as I think the DCs have enough to worry about with their own busy lives.

dewy5 Sun 26-Feb-17 16:29:49

Well, jane, my DCs do actually tell me if they are suffering from anything. Both having children under 8, there's always something going round. I was kind of meaning what I mentioned before about parents being ill, as I feel that maybe offspring don't want to accept that one day, they too will be ageing. Perhaps I'm overthinking it!

MawBroon Sun 26-Feb-17 16:45:58

If they are indeed small and niggly, (such as par for the course for our ages) no way. There is nothing more depressing (or off putting)!than hearing an "organ recital" from an ageing parent grin
If on the other hand there are major health issues it is only fair to share with adult children.
But it is possible to talk about other things!

Norah Sun 26-Feb-17 16:55:45

I don't talk about our little health related issues with my daughters. They have children and GC of their own, I don't want to bore, worry, or burden them. I suppose if either of us had a real health problem I'd mention it in passing.

merlotgran Sun 26-Feb-17 17:06:38

DH has some health issues at the moment which could be serious but we won't know until after tomorrow's chest X ray and echocardiogram. The family knows as much as we do at the moment. They've sent him some good luck messages on facebook and I know they'll be expecting an update from me tomorrow evening.

My mother used to drive me to distraction with her health anxiety yet she lived to the ripe old age of 96. I think that's the main reason I hold back because what good does it do giving other people sleepless nights when it may all be for nothing?

NanKate Sun 26-Feb-17 17:09:08

My DS's mother in law died on 1 Jan and most times when he speaks to me now he asks if we are both ok. It has made him a bit jumpy. He was none too pleased when his 4 year old said to my DH, 'when you die grandad can I have your mobile?' grin

We rarely mention our aches and pains but we hear about every cold, stomach upset, rash etc experienced by DS and his family. hmm

Christinefrance Sun 26-Feb-17 17:10:21

I only mention health issues if they are serious. If I need tests I don't mention it until they are done and I have the results. One daughter is an extreme worrier so I am careful what I say to her.

NanKate Sun 26-Feb-17 17:10:48

Hope all goes well for your DH tomorrow Merlot

dewy5 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:13:05

Good luck for tomorrow, merlotgran. Hope there's only good news to pass on!

NonnaW Sun 26-Feb-17 17:46:24

I didn't tell my sons when I had a sigmoidoscopy recently, I would only have said something if it had highlighted some serious problem. Naturally we told both sets of DC when DH was diagnosed with the prostate cancer. Anything else just gets ignored by us.

Luckygirl Sun 26-Feb-17 17:52:58

DDs usually ask about these things as OH has degenerative disorder and I have had a few health hiccoughs. But I usually give a brief reply and get stuck in to finding out what they have been up to.

As we live close to two of them, they do tend to know if we have appointments etc (usually because we have had to say no to child care!) so they are up to speed and always ask how things went.

But I too am very conscious that we do not want all our conversations to consist of health issues.

Mind you they are very very perceptive and pick up on things even if I do not mention them! - and I am also conscious that they would be cross if they were not kept in the loop. So it is a bit of a balancing act.

shandi6570 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:53:34

No I don't speak about small health problems, but if there is something diagnosed which can be hereditary, however minor, such as high blood pressure or glaucoma etc, then yes, I do mention it simply because it is part of their family health history and they should know.

Luckygirl Sun 26-Feb-17 17:53:51

And good luck with OH's results tomorrow merlot.

grannysyb Sun 26-Feb-17 18:11:40

DD once said to me "I never ask Grandma how she is,because she tells me!" So now I try to remember not to bore her about any niggly health issues.

TriciaF Sun 26-Feb-17 18:36:14

I'm careful what I tell my children, and remember what I used to keep from my own parents, when I was having marriage and health problems, back in the 70's.
But I did ask oldest daughter and oldest son to come and stay when I had a hip replacement 10 years ago. To help my husband. Not sure why, I must have been scared about operation.
But current little things - I was talking to DD1 on the phone this morning, explained why I felt unsure of coming to stay with them because of my sleep problems.
They have their own health problems now, into their 50s.