Cowardly and cruel?

All done and dusted, the only person that was offhand was my ex husband, actually, offhand is an understatement!

radicalnan the sash and press cuttings are no longer in my possession, they were left behind when I left exdh, who probably consigned them to the tip when he cleared the house out. I asked DS1 to ask his father if by any chance he had kept them. My son did a good(ish) job re the funeral, and I complimented him and thanked him, although the Vicar and I agreed that "Abide with me" is the sort of hymn that people choose when they can't think of anything else!

My dearest friend (can't believe she is 70 next month) & her husband left home at 7.30 to drive down, I'm so glad she was there, even though she is a very bad influence on me!

(We were banned by the headmistress from sitting next to each other at primary school events, as we were both prone to giggles.)

Well, the coffin came in,more bling on it than a rappers stage costume, carried by several elderly chaps from the funeral directors, who appeared to be struggling. I know my mother was not exactly svelte in later years, but they did seem to be making rather a meal of it.

Then just as they were about to set it on the trestles, one of them collapsed (the trestles, not the bearers) I could not look at my friend, although I was aware of a slight shaking of her shoulders.

What would they do?, they could hardly let go of the coffin, or sort of leave it at half mast, luckily the senior undertaker saw what had happened and stepped in.

So on we went. Bit of a kerfuffle when 2 people arrived halfway through the service, having gone to the wrong church, but speaking as someone who once went to the wrong funeral, these things happen.

Down we went to the burial plot, which is in the lower part of the churchyard, involving a bit of negotiation of a slope and an awkward turn. By now my dear friend and I were convinced that at least one of the seven dwarfs bearers was going to take a tumble, or that Mother would end up sliding down the bank.

But all was well, burial went ahead, although at one point it did seem as if she might have unwelcome company.

There was no after service gathering, but my dear friend, her husband & I repaired to a nearby hostelry for a restorative glass of sauvignon blanc (her and I) and a double tomato juice with extra Worcester sauce for him.

I was glad that I went to see the Vicar this morning, as she was able to include some of the things that I told her, i.e. that despite everything I WAS proud of my mother, and I was also able to change some minor things that DS1 had got wrong, and insist on a reference to DS2, who had not been mentioned.

So many thanks to all on here, and those that might think this post is flippant and possibly irreverent, well, that's my way.

My heart goes out to you Phoenix. After my Mum died my Dad moved up to live near me. So I did all his housework, did his shopping, cooked his meals etc while having a full time job and my own family. I was glad to do it but when he fell ill with cancer he cut me out of his life. To cut a long story short, he left all his cash (a considerable amount) to his money grabbing sisters who lived in Scotland. He went up by ambulance to live with them for three weeks and then died. My brother and me just had an answerphone message that he had died. My mother would have been furious as it was her money (left to her by her brother). I was very distressed for a long time - but have now forgiven him as I know I did nothing wrong. I have never worried about the money as I would have spent it on my family anyway. Do forgive yourself and your Mum. You will hopefully feel better in yourself. You are obviously a very good person so please don't blame yourself but live your life and be happy. I hope the funeral went well.

Sorry phoenix not appropriate I know, bu the thought of the coffin slipping off the trestles.... and you and your friend giggling like naughty schoolgirls has really made me smile. Glad you got through the day.

Just seen your message Phoenix. So glad the funeral went off well - good to hear of the antics which must have taken the edge off it a bit but so glad the coffin didn't take a tumble! Lovely to have friends with you to support you. Do take care of yourself.

Thanks all, just to clarify, we were banned from sitting next to each other as adults, attending events at the school our children went to! To turn up to an event to have headmistress announcing "ah, Mrs F, would you come and sit here, and Mrs B if you would sit over there" was rather fortifying

Mortifying, damn auto correct!

Although............

Well done phoenix, you got through the funeral with your decorum intact, although I expect the giggles came with the sauvignon blanc! And why not indeed? Laughter is a great healer x

So glad that your friend was there to support you; and that everything went off without incident - even if only just!

There is often humour to be found in sad situations (ask any comedian) - thank heavens we can find it and pick ourselves up from the depths with it.

At my Dad's funeral the chief undertaker was a woman and how silly did she look with her tight black suit (she was a substantial lady), black high heels and top hat with ribbons - my Dad would have laughed his head off. She looked perfectly ridiculous - like something out of a panto.

Swanny, the wine was after the service!

Well done phoenix getting through that with sense of humour intact. Your friend must have been a great support.
Don't dwell on things now it's all over move on with your life, friends and family.

I'm so, so sorry. Please don't read the letter, it will only hurt you more. Try to put it all behind you, slowly and gently, and think of the admiration you have always had for your mother. I wish I could give you a hug but instead just send my love and sympathy.

Thank you for letting us know how it went and in your usual style too.

Don't forget that we are here should you need us!

Well done Phoenix and I am so relieved to hear that I am not the only one who once attended the wrong funeral!!!!

I don't know how it happens but there is always something comic in a funeral. At my mother' s my uncle stopped the funeral car to give some one a lift. At my mil's the hymn was a very obscure one to all except mil who obviously wasn't singing and my DDs and us (school hymn which at a rough guess we had sung at five times a year for 13 years and so didn't need the hymn sheet) and the vicar recoiled as we belted it out heartily while the other s mouthed silently.
Well and bravely done Phoenix.

You did it Phoenix. Good for you. I love the sound of your friend, you certainly have a relationship to cherish. Your description of the trestle made me smile, there's always something. The wine sounds good hope there is more for this evening, you deserve it.

Phoenix As your mother has given everything that should have gone to you to your son, surely he would be decent enough to share the inheritance with you?! He was incredibly lucky to be given a house, let alone be the main beneficiary of her will. You deserve it.

It's been said before but the funeral does help with the grieving process. Humour was a good response to what could have been an extremely stressful day for you, thank goodness for your dear friend.
Good luck with moving forward pheonix

Sleep well tonight Phoenix!

At my MIL's funeral we got lost on the way to the crem after the church service. We were following the hearse and reached a motorway junction and, not believing that the hearse would race down the motorway, I carried on over the bridge, only to see the hearse winging its way beneath us. We found ourselves going the opposite way up the motorway and there was not a junction to be had for miles and miles. Needless to say we missed the cremation.

It was like the Keystone Cops and we were all laughing our heads off - MIL would have appreciated it!

I do believe you can contest wills if they have been unfairly shared. So if you leave all to one child and not another, generally the courts will over ride the will and share it out.
My mother died leaving next to nothing but the ensuing trouble meant I would never talk to my sister again.

amt101....In UK (tho not Scotland) a will can only be contested on two grounds. Mental/Medical incapacity and there needs to be proof or what is called coercion also with proof. Coercion basically means someone forced you to change the will against your wishes either undue pressure or similar....and its very difficult to prove. People are perfectly entitled to share their estates as they seem fit. Its different in Scotland where there is a law that if children are disinherited they can apply to get a share.

Well, after reading your latest posts, it seems that the day went much better than you could ever imagined, although I'm sure you still found it traumatic. As mumofmadboys said, get yourself a good night's sleep and tomorrow's another day.
You will obviously have to make decisions in the future but can I say, if it were me, I would try and build the very best relationship with your dear son and his family. Don't allow the past to ruin your future and, if you are given the letter, might you consider burning it. You deserve a happy future.

So glad that you got through the day better than you expected phoenix. Sometimes a bit if irreverance is just what's needed. At my MiL's funeral we followed the hearse, only for the very experienced driver to go round the next roundabout and head back the way we'd just been! He'd suddenly realised that he was taking us to the wrong church!

Just to add.....you choose your friends.....I know from experience that this is so true,and when times have been so hard for me the mantra that resonates with me is..and this too shall pass.
I'm not particularly religious but it will pass...but you have to let it..hugs xx