Arriving unannounced

I live in the Granny flat in DDs house, I always send a FB message if I am going upstairs, just 'ok to come up', and we always knock on each others door.
The only time we do not seem to do this is in the summer when all the doors to the shared garden are open and we just wander in and out of each others homes.
It is just a bit of consideration for their privacy really.

I would never turn up at my sons home without prior arrangement...out of nothing more than good manners...and his freedom...the last thing you want is your mother on the doorstep if throwing a lunch or dinner party or indeed meeting with his clients at home, as my son often does. I keep a spare key to his home for practical reasons, but would never dream of using it without prior permission.

Thank you so much Caro I have the 'no more tears' baby wash, sitting on the bath tub waiting

Well Notanan when I opened the front door, all their bits and bobs were there, so knew someone was in and also my D&GD hadn't long moved out from living with me, so it was wonderful to have them back, if only for a few hours [till the argument with her H had blown over & he came to collect them

I just avoid dropping in. Announced or otherwise. Its fatal and can lead to me being roped into all sorts of things.

My DS,DDiL and the children lead such busy (often hectic) lifestyles that by even just dropping something in at theirs can mean you're there for hours, with either DS or DDiL having the sudden desperate need just to pop out somewhere.

The children spend a lot of time at my house though. sometimes can't get rid of them

I have my own front door and internal door key, tho I do tend to message I'm on my way [only 2 min walk] and often get messages asking me to pop in n pick something up to take to her at work lol

I think people are missing the point of the OPs question? She clearly said she NEVER drops in unannounced but has done so only once (with a good reason). The fact that her DD felt it was OK to drop into her parents' home when they were out (never mind unanounced) and used the printer etc smacks of one rule for her and another for them.

As others have said, sounds like something deeper going on.

I find it odd that you would (or many of you) expect family and close friends to knock the door and wait until its answered.My door is never locked from we wake until we go to bed.Everyone who knows us knows to open the door and yell as they enter,usually are you in,but sometimes strange other things .Even the postman does it and the lady who delivers parcels regularly from a courier .I wouldn't have it any other way .

I think that if someone wants to take offence.....on any issue....they will. Trying to put one's finger on what caused a deep rift is often very difficult. Its better to try to draw a line and re-negotiate the relationship looking forward, not back. However, both parties need to want that to happen for it to work.

I assume my DDs are like we were at their ages. I don't care to walk in on naked in the lounge.

maybe there will come a time in our lives when we would all welcome anyone to arrive unannounced!!!

There seems to be a lot of issues around OP's estrangement from family. I think a lot depends on "family culture" some have a drop-in culture whereas others have a culture that you prepare for and host guests.

There was one bit of the OP that I was a little unclear about which was when OP wrote We normally give a quick text or call if we are calling in you you mean that you call and ask if it is OK to drop in or that you call/text and say that you are coming anyway? If it is the latter then that could be perceived as rude as they may have had other plans or feel they must drop what they were doing to prepare for guests.

Unannounced drop ins can also lead to unintended consequences. There was a thread on another board where a FIL just let himself into his DS/DIL's flat with the spare key and strolled into the bedroom to talk about DIY where his DIL/DS were having an "intimate moment" in bed!

Poly, any chance of your coming back in and letting us know your thoughts on some of what posters have been saying?

NannaM, sorry to hear about your estrangement, too.

Hope all the rifts discussed on this site heal in time.

I don't understand what "so doesn't want to accommodate us" means.

I agree best to phone or text before dropping in as it may be inconvient or they are not home. Does she not want you to come to her house at all? If so you must except it but still make her welcome at your house.

I don't understand how your DD can go to your house and do things without telling you. She could at least leave a note saying she had been and what she had done like mum just dropped in to use the printer.

If they are still coming for their Sunday roast and lasagne I think you are going to have to discuss this. As others have said there is more to this than appears and she has a problem and estrangement is making her more isolated.

I wouldn't dream of calling on anyone unannounced particularly not daughter or son - just bad manners

Dropping in unannounced is customary in many cultures even among non family members. I lived outside of the US for fifteen years so I speak from experience. Having said that, I always found it mildly irritating and disrespectful if someone just drops in and I'm not ready for company.

No wonder there's an epidemic of loneliness

I can imagine nothing more lonely than driving some distance to see someone - and finding nobody in because you hadn't checked whether they would be there.

I can remember when I was 8, coming home from school half way through the morning because I was not feeling well. When I got home, I could get in, but the house was empty, my mother had gone out to do the shopping. I can remember even now the sense of utter desolating loneliness that engulfed me until my mother returned 20 minutes later. Had I known that she might be out, as happened at other times, I would have been fine.

I would never risk inflicting that on myself again. Especially today, in the age of mobile phones.

Not sure what a few mutually agreed social parameters have got to do with increased loneliness. Far better to be a welcomed guest and a welcoming host because you have both worked out that its convenient to visit.
Mind you I am one of those people who delays making a phone call to people I have not yet got to know because I'm worried whether I will catch them at a bad time!

My children usually check before they appear, mainly to save a wasted journey, but I'd be horrified if they thought they couldn't just turn up. I would never be cross with them for just walking in and in all instances would be delighted to see them. They just walk in and shout "Hello". Long may it continue.
They all still have keys and know they would be welcome to use it if we were not here, it was their home for many years and I like to think it still feels that way.
However, I would never walk into their homes unannounced and would always check before going, just to make sure they were not doing anything else that I would be disturbing.

Dear Poly580,
I don't think you are rude at all.
As others have said it is down to individual families how to arrange visits but my dear old Mum was always welcome and she welcomed me unannounced too.
Your daughter does need to return her key or change the locks and invest in a keysafe.
She helped herself to food from your freezer????

I'm intrigued by this notion of catching people 'at a bad time'

I'm guessing that it's very rare for unannounced visitors to arrive first thing in the morning when one might still be undressed, unwashed and somewhat unwelcoming. That I can understand.

Likewise late in the evening when one might be plugged into a favourite TV show or engaged in something more physical interesting. But who visits unannounced after, say, 9.00pm.

So what could possibly be a cause for inconvenience or arriving at a 'bad time' during the day? Do we perhaps have an aversion to being made to stop cleaning the house to attend to the uninvited or is it a case that some of us adhere to the Miiss Haversham school of housework and are ashamed to admit guest into our abode for this reason?

Perhaps they might be interrupting our attempts at the Times crossword? Or an interesting book or, surely not daytime TV that slippery slope (with apologies to bags) into lethargy.

Could we be kitted out in thick gloves tacking the garden, pruning and weeding like dervishes? Or up to our elbows in homemade bread kneading? Running our own business from home or perhaps stripping wallpaper and redecorating?

I'd love to know just what is so important in some people's lives that they can't strip off their pinnies/gardening gloves/goggles/turn off the TV and put the kettle on for a family member or friend, especially those that turn up with cake.

Please tell me as I'm absolutely intrigued

Anya It's called SEX! yes during the day

Ah ha! Wondered about that yoga now all is clear AND we now have a good idea of who's at it!!

Anya, what is a 'bad' time to arrive?

I had an uncle who was a very early riser (4.30am) and had an aversion to traffic. One weekend my parents invited him and my aunt for the day. Their journey was from London to Berkshire. On the day concerned there was a ring on the door bell just after 7.30am - and there they were. Our family were barely out of bed, my father went to the door in his pyjamas. They were told politely to go away and come back at 10.00am.

Bad times for me would be when I have limited time to do something. In the past this included things like completing a task of gardening/decorating/housework, before leaving to collect the children from school, visits as I am just about to leave the house for an appointment, visits when I am not well, especially when I have migraine, when I am in the bath, when I am having a sleep, when I have work that needs to be completed and handed in to meet a deadline, when I just wanted a quiet morning/afternoon to myself. There are no end of reasons why a visit may be at a bad time.

DD works from home on a shift system, such is the nature of her work she does not even answer the door when at work. She has explained to all regular visitors; postie, regular delivery drivers and they know and leave parcels round the back or outside the door, giving her a wave as they go by the window where they can see her working.

I find the idea that we are all archtypal 1950s housewives, dancing around our houses in little pinnies with feather duster, with nothing in our heads, and nothing to do that cannot be dropped the moment someone calls quite bizarre. Everybody has demands in there lives, whether in their own homes or outside and visitors should have the common sense to realise it.

It strikes me as being very selfish of someone to think that if they choose to knock on someone's door without warning, that the person inside will immediately drop everything, no matter how urgent, to present them with a smiling face, a cup of tea and an hour or so of their time.