living with adult children & grandchildren, can it work?

I find it impossible to advise as no two relationships are the same. None of us would have had my mother to live with us long term. She was the most manipulative person I ever knew and had us dancing to her tune until the end, but in her house, not ours. Her mother was taken in by my uncle and a granny annexe was built on the side of the house for her. She made life hell for my aunt and my cousins attribute her early death to the stress of it.

However here I am, their direct descendant, with one of my offspring and her toddler living in my house. It isn't easy though I love them both but it doesn't feel like my house any more. I have a lot of responsibility for the little one and am really a second parent and behave as such, though I try to not criticise her ways. We both have to bite our tongues frequently. There are no partners to consider and I doubt if it would work as well as it does if there were, in fact I am sure it wouldn't if my ex were still around. Not his thing children, in anything more than very small doses. It isn't forever but I am unlikely to be up to much by the time she can afford to buy a house and leave.

I know a family where there were three generations living very happily but it was a big house and the grandparents had an annexe. They were a lovely couple too and grandfather took over the vegetable growing for the family. It's a lovely arrangements if it works.

My ex dil lost her mother a couple of years ago. Her father took to going over to her and her partner's house every day, eating all meals there and not paying a penny towards anything. In the end they thought it would be easier to move in with him and rent out their own home. I'm pretty sure she regrets the decision. Although his will leaves everything to her they will no doubt have earned it as although he has many health issues he is wearing his daughter to a frazzle.

I've done this. Sold my house and moved in with my daughter and son in law. It was the only way they were ever going to get on the property ladder. They lived with me for two years previously to save for their wedding after moving down from Leeds. I have my own space and they have theirs. We all get on really well and help each other out. In a couple of months time my eldest son, wife and dcg will move in for four months whilst they have building work done. Happy families ! I'm divorced btw and intend to stay single until I pop my clogs.Of course this wouldn't suit everyone but I've never regretted my decision,

My husband & I brought a house with my mum years ago, we brought the house but were ten thousand short of purchase price, which my mum paid so we could all move in together. Mum had her own lounge & bedroom but we shared the kitchen bathroom etc. We had 2 younger children, most of the time it was fine we all muddled along ok. My mum lived with us for 16 years. Alas when mum died there was an amount of discord between my sister, brother & I. Mum made a will which I knew about, which left my brother & sister 15 thousand each any other money left was to be divided 3 ways, thus didn't happen as my sister felt she was being short changed as our house had increased in value more than their share left to them. To be honest think there was only a few thousand left after their money,but I don't really know as I was told in no uncertain terms I had had more than my fair share.
I'm sorry if this sounds like self pity, I'm not trying to do that honest, just to warn you of what could be problems in the future if you have other children.

Everyone's circumstances are different, but it can definitely work.

My mum lived with us for seven years, until she died in 1994. She was particularly close to my youngest daughter, who regarded her as a second mum. I was very glad she was with us, particularly towards the end of her life when she began to need extra care due to her heart problems.

Our youngest daughter has always lived at home and, eleven years ago, her partner moved in with us when he moved across country to be with her. They've been here ever since and now have their two little girls, aged seven and five. I have helped to look after them ever since they were born, and do so whenever their mum and dad go out, as they do most days. The girls are now being home-educated and, as their mum is often busy with running her partner's business, a lot of the teaching falls to me. They do keep me busy, but they also keep me interested and give me a lot of affection.

Yes, there have been a few spectacular rows - usually between my husband and daughter, both as hard-headed as each other - but no more than in any family. In general, we rub along together pretty well. I would miss them terribly if they moved out.

When I retired, I bought a bungalow with a garage. This was converted and added to and made a very pleasant annex for me. My daughter and granddaughter (5) live in the rest of the house. We all get along well, I babysit when needed, my daughter does all the washing (only washing machine in house). I own the house but daughter paid a lot towards fitting a new kitchen & bathroom, flooring etc. in her part. I feel secure and she knows it is all left to her when I go. If I am ill she will look after me, but hopefully I'll have a long time yet (69). It works for us but having only 1 child makes it a lot easier I think.

I wouldnt go down that road. Be very careful before you decide on anything, it all sounds fine, but who knows whats around the corner. Good Luck whatever you decide.

Like childbirth and the dentist, all you ever hear about is the horror stories. Yes be very careful, yes work out the finances carefully, yes have the legalities tied up nicely, but this thread has actually stressed out people in the middle of this change in circumstances. 3 generational living used to be the norm until 60/70 yrs ago

Yes, maybe Hm999, but without hearing the (true) horror stories on here, many people might walk blindly into the arrangement and get even more stressed out!
fionaj raises a interesting point that if the elderly parent puts say £100,000 into the house pot to live with one child and 10 years down the line the value of the house has trebled, are other siblings entitled to their share of the new value in the house ie. £300,000. If the parent had stayed in his/her own home then there may have been no argument about each child fairly inheriting their share, but with one child alone sitting on the pile, things could get messy.

Hi we had our D, SIL and two grandsons (2 and new baby) live with us for eighteen months when they had problems with the flat they rented. This was on the whole a fantastic time seeing the boys everyday. But we also found we had no personal space and found ourselves making excuses to go out for a bit of peace. In then end they also needed to be a family on their own.

What might happen if you need residential care?

I think it best to be independent,to keep your friends and get out there, a little distance is a good thing. However, it can work if all sides want the same thing, it can also cause lots of problems, what happens if you need residential care or one of you wants to move house or the parent has an illness that requires care or if the older parent becomes demanding?

3 really big disadvanges i seen happen to freinds
1
Older person met someone what to either move in with them and let another family member have their living space or have new partner move in . And of course the adult child was not happy with either option. In the end older person stayed put .

2
Adult child get divorce .
It 50 /50 they would keep the house .
In the end the judgement when the older person dies the ex gets his %
3
Adult child wants to down side there will be no money for older parent so they will have get council place . Which has not happen yet . They don't realises they going to have sell up and make the older parent homeless before they can get a council place . Who wants to be dealing with that in your 80s .

The older parent has had years of a 3rd of bills . So thinks they have had a good deal.

we started the process to buy a house that was big enough to have a seperate flat for my son and his daughter(7) and an annexe for my MIL ,last year.Sadly the people selling the house changed their minds and took it off the market.We're still looking for a replacement.We are all looking forward to being in the same building but having seperate living areas.I was born in the 50's and my parents and siblings and I lived with my granny ,two sets of aunts and uncles and two cousins all under one roof and we were all happy with the arrangement.We moved to a home of our own when I was under school age and my elsdest sister a young teen ...and granny sold her house and moved in with us.I dont remember there being any major probllems apart from her saying the house sounded like a fairground because of music playing in every room..lol.I have many happy memories of the time she was with us and I look forward to having my own version in a house that suits us all ....when I find it .

Paddyann, I do think you are the exception rather than the rule, I have heard of lots of problems, that is not to say there are not families like yours that can make it work, but rare, I miss company a lot now widowed after a life of being the carer for elderly in laws and children, but I still could not live with a lot of people, there are times I really value peace and quiet and my independence. That mean test pissibly one day I will end up in care, hope I go before that happens, but even so I wouldn't want any of my family caring for me.