The lost friendship

That is such a sad thing cheneslieges and I feel so sorry that people were nasty to you on GN. They should be ashamed of themselves. Broken friendships can be very painful as I know well myself. However, if you still feel you want to make contact, I would have another try though be prepared for rejection. Never let it be said you allowed things to drift. It is highly possible your friend had or had some sort of illness or crisis and I'm sure you'd want to know if this was the case. I'd send a card each year, telling her you still think of her and that you hope she's okay. Just leave it at that but leave the door open. Sending you lots of good wishes. xxx

Your post touched me so much that I'm putting on my first ever post. I remember your post as I found myself in a similar situation. I had a friend of 25years with whom never a cross word had been said. She was Godmother to my daughter and like family. Without going into lengthy details she betrayed me and let my daughter down very badly.She then began manipulating mutual friends in a popularity contest. I'm not a confrontational person and tried to resolve the issue but she wouldn't acknowledge any wrong doing. Gradually friends stood back and her unpleasant behaviour became more and more open. It has been an incredibly harrowing experience but I have come through it. Good friends have kept me strong. I do still on occasions still think about it. I think my daughters boyfriend summed it up when he said that she wasn't the person he thought she was. In retrospect the signs were there in how she dealt with others but I think it's very easy to believe the image of someone they put forward especially if they don't give you personal reasons to doubt it. I think you must try everything you feel you can to repair the friendship but you also have to haverify a cut off point otherwise it will rule your life. Sadly you may never know why she behaved as she did, but hopefully if ithe isn't resolved you can move forward and value the love and friendship that you have elsewhere

I am really sorry that as upset as you were some gransnetters said even more hurtful things to you. It shows a lack of empathy sadly. In my career as a therapist I have seen many people with similar problems. I can reassure you know that this is your friends problem and not yours. She has not been flexible enough or emotionally mature enough to explain why she wants to the friendship to end. That is the fact. You have tried your best to rekindle, but she has moved on, albeit with unresolved issues around the friendship. Here is a really good technique I ask my clients to do. First of all you see this from your own perspective, then sit in another chair and be your friend, speak from her perspective. Use the words, 'I feel that', then stand up and imagine you are know listening to a wise mentor who is non judgemental, and just wants you to resolve this situation. Then sit down in your own chair and see how you feel now. Obviously it often works better when you are with a therapist, but give it a go. In your mind, wish her well, and then imagine you have let it all go as if it were a helium balloon flying away.

Now concentrate on any good friends you have now, or make new ones. Only give your energy to those who receive it willingly and caringly.

There are many kind gransnetters on here. Disregard any upsetting posts, they don't really know you well enough. Xx

Jaycee5 I think your comment sums it up and your final is the way to go. Chenlieges, just send a short message with an apology and the fact that you miss her. If there's no response, let it go.
Unequal friendships are always tricky to balance and I know I've been offended by the return of a gift although the 'friend' just said she didn't like it. I was always too busy answer emails, phone calls, or to meet up for quite a while after that.

Dear sunnym - I wish we actually knew each other! It sounds like we are twin souls - always doing the giving, and others doing all the "taking". Thank you for your lovely long response - I feel a whole lot better now, thank you.
Dear hulahoop - thank you - yes this has helped a lot.

I'm really sorry to hear of your plight, and even sorrier that when vulnerable and seeking support, your peers did not give you what you felt you needed. Some odd things do get written on social media! Try not to take it personally (easier said than done)
I'd say give her one last chance, but accept that it's unlikely to work. Don't let this hurt you again. You've then done your best to be a true friend.

Dear Dorsetcupcake61 - Thank you for your kind response. It has been a much better experience for me this time round (here on gransnet) and I feel a whole lot better about things, AND myself. Thank you.

If you don't try & contact her you will always wonder what would have happened.
I suggest you try again- maybe a nice card or letter first to give her time to think & them a phone call.
Good luck- I hope it works out for you.

Oh, it is such a shame when this kind of thing happens. I, too, lost a 'very good friend' when I split up with my first husband. I was devastated and we got on so well. She told my ex that she couldn't cope with us splitting up, but she remained friends with my ex.
My ex and I are still very good friends, as the split was mutual............I have tried to put out the olive branch a few times, and although I receive a response to emails etc., nothing more comes of it................

Life is too short for this!! I have to remember the good times we had and call it quits!

Dear judypark - I may have explained myself badly last year, and it did sound insensitive in places - but if you had known how we were, you would see it differently. I know she does NOT have dementia, and in fact I had been helping her through two different serious illnesses for a number of years (Thrombocytopenia and Hiatus hernia operation which went badly wrong) - I was her "go to" "consultant" as I used to be a nurse - and since she has no computer, she always turned to me to "look things up" when her Specialists were a bit vague.
I think after all I will let "sleeping dogs lie" - she will no doubt be really struggling now, having no one to do all her research re her health problems. I do feel immensely sorry for her - she has lost such a lot. Mind you, so have I.

Dear Hm999 - Thank you very much. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

It sounds as if, over the years, you did most of the giving. You were better off and were very generous to her beacuse you were so fond of her.

Sometimes this inbalance causes resentment. It is not your fault. By the sound of it, she could not afford to reciprocate and this may have made her feel that she was being patronised, even though that was never your intention.

Another possibility is that she has a health problem, perhaps a mental health issue, even the beginnings of dementia. Is there a family member or mutual friend you could speak to?

My final comment to all you gransnetters - Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my heartfelt plea. I do appreciate it. I know that most of you last year totally misunderstood me and maybe I did come over badly - but I truly loved this person - I still do - and I would have done ANYTHING to get back to how we were. When I was back in France this Summer, I longed to share it all with her again - sitting on the Terrace, thinking "Linda would have loved this sunset" or "Linda would have loved to see that Hoopoe" (we were both avid bird-watchers) - Life is so very, very hard now. I miss her terribly.

I have been hurt by great friends so often, to the point where I no longer have friends; it's too risky to try to make them again for fear of being hurt yet again. I do feel for all you lovely people who've been treated in a similarly hurtful way, but I suppose I have to concede that people change for various reasons and I have to accept that.

I'm one of those who provide a shoulder for those who need one. I do have very broad shoulders and am a good listener (so I'm told) but of course whenever I've needed to cry on one of their shoulders, they're off like a bullet.

I'm lucky in that I have the most wonderful DH who is my soulmate and best friend, but it still hurts to think of those old "friends" who left.

chenlieges I do understand how you feel, and I think you've probably already decided to give things another go. I wish you all the best, but be prepared for things not to go the way you would wish.

Try once more by sending a letter....it's the only thing you can do and if she doesn't"nt reply you will have to accept that the friendship has run its course. I don"nt remember your original post but have since read it. It did sound to me like your friend was upset by the returning of a gift she sent you, and was hurt by it. She may have mellowed since then and be happy to reignite the friendship she had with you.

I thought joyfully's post about sitting in a chair and seeing the situation from two perspectives was really interesting. You obviously felt you knew your friend really well cheneslieges and were totally thrown by her response. What do you think she would be saying if she was posting on a thread here on this problem? I'd really like to know what you think her thoughts might be.

So sorry about your situation with your friend. I can sympathise on two counts. Sometimes some comments l see on some posts seem very scary and over the top so l feel nervous that if l post a problem myself the replies might make me feel worse not better! Friendships don't seem to get any easier the older you get and the longer the relationship the harder it is when things go wrong. I was recommended to write a letter to the person and say everything l wanted to say honestly to get it out of my system but then instead of posting it rip it up, burn it anything that feels right as a sort of resolution to the issue then to move on ?

I would give it one more try, simply concentrating on saying that you miss her, and hope that she will be able to contact you so that you can catch up. Perhaps not refer in any way to what has passed - if she wants to offer reasons she will and if she doesn't it might make things worse.

What I really did want to say was that I am so sorry that you have had negative, cruel and hurtful comments having previously posted this problem. I just don't understand how any woman can read about another in distress and then be spiteful - they must have something seriously wrong with them. Unkind remarks cut deeply; I have never subscribed to 'sticks and stones may break my bones ..' etc as catty and horrible remarks do hurt so much and do stay with you. Perhaps these people boiling in their own bile might like to share why they said these things - or how they thought it might help you.

I'd send a nice card, simply saying u miss her and it would be great if you could renew your friendship, and ask her to get in touch if she agrees. Then wait. If she doesn't reply, u ve done ur best. I do know how it feels. I had to end a friendship because it became toxic and was making me ill. But I. Ve never stopped worrying over this even tho it had to be done . Different circumstances I know, but it did upset me and still does .

I agree Rosina, bile never did anyone any good. But sometimes a bit of straight talking is helpful! My first post on Gransnet was about a relationship that was troubling me and I was very touched by the understanding I received. But I was also greatly helped by somebody who gave another point of view and made me realise my thinking was somewhat adrift. I suppose it depends whether you are seeking reassurance or a solution to the problem. That's why I thought joyfully's post was good and I shall her suggestion myself in future!

I hope people will read judypark and Jaycees comments about your last post before criticising gransnetters. As they have said the general consensus on a very long post was that you should look at your treatment of your friend. So many gransnetters could not have been that wrong.

As for blaming everything on being a Leo that is incredible. "And she has lost such a lot!" Glad you mentioned and so have you.

I feel very hurt that you now post a very critical picture of what was written by gransnetters and how hurt and upset you are by it and that so many gransnetters misunderstood you. In this past year you don't seem to have understood how your friend felt.

Before you try contacting your friend I really think you need to read your last post again and try to understand how she felt.

Smileless2012 Well don't keep us in suspense!!! Why the hell did she cut off contact for 10 years???!!! I was expecting you to say so, but nothing!

I didn't read your earlier post, but needless to say it isn't nice to post hurtful words on sites like this.

I have to ask this - why are you hanging onto this situation that continues to make you miserable and sad? Life is short - very short - when we hit our 80's. There is much to be thankful for to have reached this stage in life.....the simple fact that you wake up each morning is a gift. The more you concentrate on the grief of this situation, the deeper the hurt will go. Be thankful for the friendship that you had - and be grateful for the friendships that are still in your life. The consequences of hanging onto deep hurt and sadness will eat away at you have such a negative effect on your health and mental state. Your ex friend is not responsible for your ongoing happiness - you are!

I would write a simple letter, apologise you upset her and wish her well. Dont say too much about it. Less is more. Make sure your contact details ie phone no/email are on the letter and then wait and see.

Explain why you sent the flowers. From how I read it was a kindness cos you weren't living near her now and wanted to show your love.

If she doesn't contact you then at least you know you have cleaned your side of the street (so to speak) and you will beable to let it go.

Keep the letter simple with no blame or recriminations etc. Expect nothing back so if you hear it will be a delight.

Much love to you. I am sorry your original experience wasn't good last year

I dropped a friend 10 years ago,i think I was less critical when younger.Not many people liked her,and as I got older I got very judgemental her flaws and faults magnified to me and I just didn't want to be in her company.We had no argument,I just didn't make contact.Strangly she didn't either, so perhaps she had enough of me,we where friends for 40 years.