The lost friendship

Yes hulahoop, this experience has been a whole lot more understanding - thank you!

I can totally empathsize with you grannylyn65. It is horrible and so un-necessary.

I find that my friendships seem to have a shelf-life of 15-20 years and then fizzle out. these have been with really close friends but we all change and adapt as our lives and circumstances change and we realise that we no longer have much in common. I have been very sad , although also a little bit relieved when a friendship reaches it's natural end. I can honestly say though that other friendships have come into my life with equally nice people, whom I might never have met if I had hung on in unsatisfactory relationships where each party no longer nurtured each other. Perhaps this will be your experience too.

ajanela I agree. It is sad that so many people would believe that so many Gransnetters were simply unpleasant. I think that people are usually very careful to try to give the OP a different perspective of things and very often posters will say that they had not looked at things that way and thank the responders. Sometimes people are looking for sympathy and take offence if they get something different. That does not mean the responses were nasty. They really weren't.
I have had fundamental with people (especially on politically issues) but I have only once had a genuinely nasty comment and I have posted here quite a lost.
It is disappointing that people are so quick to judge us.

fundamental disagreements ...

Sorry about the typos. Think you will be able to interpret.

Like many of the others I don't see any harm in a last attempt to put things right. At least you'll know you've tried. I also lost a good friend. I supported her through a nasty divorce but she very quickly started a new relationship and I was forgotten. I still see her occasionally but not one to one and we are polite rather than friendly

I haven't read all the posts so I'm sorry if I repeat what has already been said. Firstly I'm so sorry that you have lost your good friend. Secondly I'm sorry that you were upset by some of the responses on GN. As others have said there will be lots of different opinions and sometimes these may be expressed to seem more harsh than they were meant to be. Have you apologised to your friend about returning the gift? I think I would write, one last time, take all the blame if necessary, if you really want her friendship back. Good luck. Also to all of you who have lost good friends for whatever reason.

Of course have one last go if you want but I wonder if having moved so far away she has now made a new life so be prepared not to hear. I am afraid the returning of a gift may have been the last straw. So sorry

I referred to a lost friendship in a post on worrying yesterday because I have always had a tendency to worry about offending others. I didn't go into details yesterday but the "friend" cut me off and bad-mouthed me afterwards to a mutual friend.

I too am a Leo and we are very loyal friends, but I have had to accept that although I didn't intend to upset this person I clearly did, and although she'll talk to me if we meet by chance, she won't initiate or maintain contact again. She is a bit nutty and I still regard her cutting me off as completely disproportionate to the "crime".

I have accepted that no amount of apologies by me or assurances that I never meant to offend her will ever change her mind. I've "crossed a line".

I feel for you as it is horrible when this happens. I am sure you are not a bad person and don't deserve this "treatment" but if tshe wants to cut you out of her life there's not much you can do about it.

I tried to find out what I'd done wrong but she refused to discuss it. I decided not to demean myself further by pursuing it or begging her to forgive me and to resume our friendship.

You know this person better than any of us so if you feel there is a chance that she'd be willing to start afresh, by all means go for it. Personally I wouldn't bother.

I didn't ever read the first post so I don't entirely understand the situation but if someone choses to move 300 miles away to end their days near to their family then surely they are never going to be so close to the neighbour they left behind no matter how many expensive gifts they were given in the past. I'm sure there are also younger members of her family who can also look things up on the internet for her if need be. I also don't understand why a gift was returned because if someone did that to me it would be the last time I bought them anything.

Perhaps her daughter could be contacted to find out the real reason you have been side-lined in this friendship.

What harm could a handwritten note simply saying 'I really miss your friendship' do? And maybe include your email address in small lettering somewhere on the page.

I really think there has to be an explicit acknowledgement of the hurt caused before her friend can even begin to move towards a reconciliation. That's probably why the flowers were rejected. They didn't actually say "I got it wrong and aIm sorry"
I haven't read the original thread. This is probably old ground.

Never say never. I have renewed a friendship from almost 50 years ago ( best friends at school). Can't remember why we fell out. Now back to great times together. Worth a try, you have nothing to lose.

I would write to your friend saying how much you miss her. Perhaps a card with I 'Miss You, please forgive me' in very large letters, so it is the first thing she sees as she opens the envelope (even if you don't feel it was your fault) and put a letter inside to explain where you think things went wrong. I would also be tempted to employ a little subterfuge in addressing the envelope so that she doesn't recognise your handwriting and rip it all up without seeing the 'Miss You' message. You have been very generous over the years and I wonder if the affection you felt for your friend was not reciprocated for the right reasons? There is no doubt at all that you have provided your friend with luxuries over and beyond the call of friendship and in your place I would feel equally bereft. But if she does not reply I think you will have to accept that she is a ingrate who has abused your friendship.

Isn't it odd how we see things differently. You see an ingrate Coco and I see someone who just for once wanted to do something for her friend and had it thrown back in her face, who was dreadfully hurt by someone that she thought was her friend. Ah well, we'll never know the truth of it.

Am I odd to find that posters who freely admit to having not read the whole text of this post feel free to post advice already posted and ask questions also too answered?

Dear Chenesleiges.
I had a what I thought was a good mate, this is many years ago now, we had so much in common, even the same first name. She came round my house one day giving me a sob story of not having any money, unhappy marriage, and from memory a pending hospital visit. I gave her a £20 note and insisted I didn't want it back, this was just to help her out at the time. Not a lot but something, I thought. Then no contact. Weeks went by, I rang her, left messages, emailed, then out if desperation I wrote her a letter, basically asking her if she was ok. I had an awful letter back, saying I was treating her like a mother hen and to leave her alone, that I should know what it's like to have problems. I did just that, never heard from her again. I was gutted but didn't reply to her horrible letter. End of friendship.
Plenty more fish in the sea. Take care, try once more, then leave her alone. X

Give it one more go - write a letter saying how upset you are and how you miss such a valued friendship. If she doesn't respond, or responds negatively, then I think you will probably have to accept that nothing further can be done.

Although I vaguely recall your original post, I can't remember the details. If you told her not to send presents it's possible that she felt hurt and humiliated because, given the generosity you have shown her, it was perhaps her one opportunity to give something back. It may have felt like a rejection of her or her taste.

I am sorry that some of the responses to your original post were upsetting. I don't think the majority of people mean to be hurtful.

You sound a very caring and kind friend, sorry that people upset you. It obviously still means a lot to you, so maybe one last try might be in order, keeping the door open if she ever wants to re establish contact. Unfortunately, life and circumstances can interfere with even long friendships, letting go is hard. It looks from an outside perspective that maybe your friend might be suffering from some sort of early dementia. You can do no more. Try not to let it get to you anymore, you can not alter things, you have tried everything and you owe it to yourself and husband to put this to rest after a last try. My best wishes to you for the future.?

I too remember the original post and the variety of replies some of whom were suggesting you look at it from the other persons point of view. It can be upsetting for some people when you don't get wholehearted support from other posters, while one person might learn and understand by listening to a different perspective another might find it unhelpful and hurtful.

I'd say the friendship has run its course. Perhaps she doesn't need you in the same way she once did now that she has her family close by. It could be that what you experienced was the real her, and it is possible she had been harbouring feelings towards you that she had kept hidden for years.

On the other hand perhaps life wasn't all rosy, things weren't working out being so close to family and she was regretting her move. Perhaps you caught her at a bad moment.

Think very carefully before you make a move. If it means a lot to you, and you are prepare for a knock back, then perhaps a brief note saying you were thinking of her the other day and you hope she's happy in her new life. Invite her to give you a ring if she feels up to it. Keep it brief, light and to the point.

Do let us know what you decide to do.

Your ex friend seems adamant that she does not want anything to do with you, it's sad but you will have to accept her decision. Even if you had both decided not to give any more gifts to each other, perhaps sending one back was not the best thing to do. I would send her a letter, perhaps saying how much you miss her friendship, then wait and see if she replies. You might have to accept the fact that the friendship is over.

I know what you mean about those judgemental comments some people feel entitled to make. I vowed never to post a problem again after it was apaprent a few people had no concept of sensitivity and understanding. I can tell you are very hurt and sad. You've been grieving. Please look at that grieving process model and see where you are. Acceptance will come to you eventually. Your denial that this friendship is over is obvious. Honestly this will always be there and can you trust her again? Please get some help for your grief before it turns to anger or depression. You sound a great friend to me.

I suspect your action of returning the pyjamas she sent you a last straw. And it's sad for both of you. Life is difficult. I think your only hope is to beg for her forgiveness on the grounds of your thoughtlessness. It is very hard to be in a close relationship when you don't feel equal in giving and receiving. I can imagine that being the last straw. Good luck.
I had a Leo mum who was so generous but could only give and not receive, and a best friend (I hoped) who somehow often made me feel like the poor relation so I can empathise with your friend. But don't think for a moment that what she wanted over everything was the presents....as lovely as they might be ...but to feel equal. To be the recipient and to be grateful is wonderful but not forever. I think you have to really understand what you might be sorry for. You have a husband for support too, is she alone? And I do hope this isn't hurtful because I can't see the point of going on the forum without getting a big hug. So good luck again and a big hug.

Final comment to all you lovely people who have written good comments for me ... especially to Ramblingrose22 - you're obviously on the same wavelength as I am, and being a Leo makes this very pertinent. Thank you a lot.XX

To Coco51 Luckylegs9 Anya Palliser65 and grannygranby and many more too much to mention, I am very grateful to you.

Thank you all. But I am going to take Ramblingrose22 's advice ... and this comment by her is very valid: "I decided not to demean myself further by pursuing it or begging her to forgive me" - also I like this bit " I still regard her cutting me off as completely disproportionate to the "crime".