The lost friendship

Very good post Anya

cheneslieges good that GN has helped you.

Thank you so much for your response. I so often wish I knew what had happened. Very good luck to you. Please do believe you will come through.

so sad to hear your story - particularly gransnetters response . I really think that you need to put as much of this behind you . You do not deserve to be treated like that and she is the loser in the long run .
It seems to me that your quite lonely so maybe try and find something locally to do like volunteering in a charity shop to try and make new friends and not have so much time to think about her resonse . I know that's easier said than done

What's the worst that can happen if you contact her one more time? She won't respond, and you'll know the friendship is over (unless she turns up years later like Smileless' friend).

But maybe she'll be glad to hear from you and will want to resume the relationship. Worth a shot? Only you can decide.

I think it is though, so I'm with those who say to go for it. Like Jaycee, I think it should just be a short message - hello, apology, "miss you" and ask how she is. Don't even mention maybe getting together again yet. See if/how she responds first.

If she doesn't, put it behind you - maybe grieve the lost friendship for a while first, but then, let it go and move on.

I can see why your friend was hurt when you returned her gift (hope I've got this right) but it's well worth trying to contact her again if you are prepared for another rejection. My best friend and I have known each other for ever 60 years but there was a time shortly after I married when she cut herself off from me. We had no contact for a couple of years when suddenly I received a card to say that she and her husband had adopted a baby. I got in touch and we met up again and have been as close as ever. I never knew what had gone wrong between us and she can't remember! Good luck ?.

Yes having a gift that you chose returned would be extremely hurtful, especially as you say she did not have as much money as you. You know how you felt about the bouquet. I would I think have a final go at repairing your friendship by writing a note apologing for your actions and saying it was wrong but not meant to cause offence. Say that because of your ages and valuable past friendship you don't want to waste any opportunity to get together again. I think that to
get peace of mind you will have to 'eat humble pie' and take the major part of blame for the misunderstanding but it will be worth it if you can achieve a reconciliation. Tell her honestly how must you have missed her.

Cheney, good for you. You apologised, nothing more you can do. Move on and be happy.

nuttyasfruitcakenan I am definitely not lonely, as we are still working full-time at our Accountancy Practice, even though I am 78 next week - I have loads of wonderful friends and our Clients are in and out of our house every day - they are more than just clients - they are also like family.

judylow No, you are quite wrong in your assumption - here is part of a reply which I sent last year to another gransnet-er, where you will see the true picture:-

""In fact, everyone else has totally mis-read what I put ... I did not, in fact, return the pajamas ... I only asked her if I should, to which she actually texted me thus: "Just take them back to any shop and get a bottle of Gin instead" - to which I replied "But I have no idea where you bought them ... how can I take them back? It's a long way to Colchester!!!" When I then suggested returning them to her, she texted me "OK" - and that was it. That was her last contact with me.
I have actually put the series of text messages on "save" on my mobile phone, they are still there - I will never delete them because this gives me some comfort in that I DID treat the situation with great kindness, and I hope one day we might be in touch again, and I can reassure her that I love her, and would never do ANYTHING to hurt her feelings. We had much more than an "ordinary" friendship - my husband too frequently sent her some money at Christmas-times etc. and he often paid for her Flights to our mobile-home in France. She was part of our family - that is yet another reason why we are BOTH so very hurt and upset. My husband did actually manage to get her to answer her phone one day, back in late August - and all she would say was "Maybe I did over-react ...!" that was all he could elicit from her."

That sets the record straight for everyone on here - read and learn!! I never did anything to deserve the way she treated me.

glenfinnan Please read my other responses regarding this - you have got it all so wrong. I did NOT return the gift of pajamas.

luluaugust Please catch up! I did NOT return the gift of pajamas!! See my other posts.

quizqueen I did NOT return the gift from her!!! You have all got this so wrong - and most of you have misred my original sad story.

Sorry chenes but frankly the text you quote from your previous thread sounds awful to me, I'm not surprised she cut off communication Also you confirm that, whether you followed through and returned them, you did suggest it.

Having said that I would send her a note telling her how happy you would be to be back in touch, and see where it goes.

Although you apparently didn't return the pyjamas, you seemed to say that you didn't want them and entered into a discussion about how you could return them. That is to my mind the same as returning them.,

I do think it was insensitive of you to do this and I can undertand your friend feeling hurt and humiliated.

You seems to be dwelling on the fact that you and your husband have been very generous to her - with gifts, treats and money. In my view, that does not negate the fact that you hurt her feelings.

You have asked for people's comments and I don't believe anyone has been rude to you but they have given their honest opinions. Some of those opinions do not accord with your view that your friend is unreasonable, but that is the way it goes when you ask for other people's views.

O my goodness chene I think you are getting yourself all upset all over again? I think you are a very sensitive person - you try so hard to reply to every post if you can. I think you have made up your mind how you are going to proceed, stick to that decision - for what it is worth I think it is the right solution - and don't beat yourself up any more !! So, from me (another very sensitive sole) I send you my Best Wishes for the future. Love From Danni xx

I looked for your other post about this by putting your name into search as I thought you had sent the pyjamas back. Your words in your first post were " I text her to say I would post them back so she could get her money back. " Things then went Pearshaped.

So yes you are right you didn't send them back but it was your full intention to do so until things went pear-shaped and the damage was done.

We all get unsuitable presents and it is kinder just to say thank you. You were very generous to your friend but it wasn't an equal friendship. The post about the scones I think illustrates how your friend felt. On your last post the gransnetters tried to show you why your friend felt like this which was challenging for you.

You seem to have a busy interesting life and lots of friends. Sadly these things happen. As others have said try sending a note but if she responds try to make this a more equal friendship

Oh dear. You state that we have all misunderstood the true picture. After two years and numerous measured replies you finally disclose the final details of the last correspondences with your friend.
This post also is littered with how generous your husband has been sending money at Christmas.
You cannot buy a friend however many expensive and monetary gifts you throw at them, in fact the gifts of moneys to me would seem demeaning.
Your friend has moved on and I'm sorry to say to you has freed herself of of your shackles.

That's a bit harsh.

"We all get unsuitable presents and it is kinder just to say thank you"

But this doesn't seem to be about an "unsuitable present" - it seems to be about a gift that was given despite an agreement not to give each other any more gifts. The op was "relieved" not to have to buy anymore, so I imagine she felt she had to hold firm by returning the gift. Her friend should have realize this might happen, imo.

But maybe friend didn't really "agree" to this new plan deep inside, op? Or perhaps she didn't take it seriously. Either way, I think she was hurt even by the idea that you were thinking of returning it. And I think you should have realized the chance you were taking by suggesting that. At least, you should have known, imo, that she might get angry or hurt. A little more thought would have gone along way on both sides.

Regardless, I still think it's worth a try at contacting her briefly, op. Will she welcome it or just ignore? Only one way to find out.

I think Anya has given wise advice as have others. I do recall your previous post and I have reread the whole thread. You read some of the advice as harsh and unkind but I really do not think that was the intention, I think posters were trying to help you to look at the situation from a different perspective! I personally think that, having had years of receiving wonderful gifts from you, to then have her personal chosen gift returned and to be told to get her money back ...was probably the key to this! I wonder if you can in any way, put yourself in her "emotional shoes" as to how she might have felt when you retired her gift? I truly believe that unless you can truly listen and admit you were wrong to her and say sorry (if she agrees to speak to you) then there is no hope of a reconciliation. If you can look at your part in this friendship and the dynamics over the years then there might be hope. All I have said is meant with kindness. Let us know how you get on

Just one final FINAL comment, before I close my gransnet account - over the 30+ years we were friends, my ex-friend and I have exchanged numerous presents, and all have been received - in both directions - with good grace and happy gratitude. In fact, when I sent her a "Betty Boop" T-shirt three years ago, it also was too small for her, (just like these pyjamas were for me) and she just gave it to a Charity Shop - we have done that sort of thing frequently. These Disney Pyjamas were NOT - I repeat NOT the only present she ever sent me. I have a wardrobe full of things she has sent me over the years.
I am now closing my gransnet account and you will no longer be able to upset me with your comments and incorrect assumptions

Move on from Gransnet. Probably for the best. The GNers can't be relied on to offer total agreement to everything you've posted. It's just a pity that you can't accept the valid advice and empathetic suggestions offered with good intentions.
Move on. From Gransnet and from trying to repair a relationship that the other person moved on from long ago.

It is sad when listening/ self refelection seems so hard ...misunderstanding of particular descriptions are not a sign f unkindness ...a shame for chenesliege123 but maybe a sign f the problem. This threw and how it has ended has made me feel quite sad for some reason!

I think the OP only really wanted affirmation of her opinion that she was a lovely, generous person.

Er this thread!!! Wish we could edit!